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Waning Crescent

I woke up shaking with anxiety this morning that followed me most of the way to work. It eventually leveled out, which was good because Gary tried to help a lady in the office with a printer issue, and it quickly became my problem. Luckily Kyle walked in and it then became his problem when we discovered the switch port was tagged incorrectly, and the printer had been set up differently than whatever standard they eventually chose.

I fought slow deployment tests all day, but took a break to take Maggie to lunch with Jim. Somehow when I pay for her, we end up spending enough to feed three or four people, but it was her birthday. They both asked about Summer after I took the day off, so I shared a little bit of what we’ve been working through, and Jim joked that it sounded like we were married.

The afternoon went by pretty quickly and my single image test failed what I was trying to accomplish. On the way out, I got to see the giant lizard Maggie told me was living under the sidewalk. I headed home through some fairly slow traffic, stopping in Atkins to swing through Casey’s to redeem a freebie. Summer and I had discussed dinner earlier in the morning, so she had a shepherd’s pie in the oven when I got home. She was sitting at the dinner table doing some work on her laptop with a look on her face, so we talked a bunch more.

We mostly talked in circles over the same things. She said she was taking some time away from work just to stay away from the public for a bit, and I was glad she got to see some support from her team and leadership. I don’t think any of the talking was actually helping at that point since we’ve always had trouble communicating. We stopped for dinner with Eaddie, and the shepherd’s pie turned out awesome. Afterward she had to go to Tech to prepare for a concert. I tried to take Muad’Dib out for a run, but it started raining and we ended up sitting on the porch together instead. Summer came out and we got burned out from talking again, so we loaded up to go watch Eaddie’s Tech concert.

The concert was long, but the band was great. We were both pretty exhausted from the stress and the lack of sleep. I know my head dropped at least once while I had my eyes closed, listening to the music. We got home, shared some drinks, and wound down quickly for bed.

I got my change behind the bed, in a coffee can I throw my nickels in. ☄️

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Wants and Needs

By all counts, it hasn’t been a bad day. I actually woke up fairly early with an intense pain in my left hip. I found Summer on the porch having a cup of coffee, seemingly unphased by her night of reckless abandon. I don’t recall our conversation specifically, but I found half a cup of coffee later in the evening and was told that I said something upsetting that prevented the completion of the cup.

We talked a lot, sporadically throughout the entire day. Things weren’t bad by any means, but we had a few difficult conversations. Nothing had really changed, but my goal was just to get us talking. We’ve been so focused on surviving the day to day that we haven’t made time for anything else.

Most of the day was kind of a blur, but we did make it to New China for lunch. After that, we went to the car wash so I could get rid of the bug splatter. As we left there, I thought we’d just let the car take us for a drive wherever it wanted, so I activate autopilot and ended up going south down Highway 331. Summer didn’t seem at all interested in the adventure, so I had the car take us home where we settled in for the afternoon. We eventually started to assemble a bookshelf I had gotten from Vine, but I ended up completing it alone.

As the sun went down, I knew I had to take Muad’Dib out for a run. We did our usual route and he didn’t bother spending much time in the creek. We visited with Dad, then continued home for the evening. I had texted Shawna just to check in, but didn’t get much of a response. I drank with Summer on the porch for a bit to enjoy the weather, then came in to settle down.

Eaddie came in and only saw us briefly to check in on how we were doing. She’s an incredible kid, with a better head on her shoulders than what I’ve got. I ended the night with some tipsy tea to calm the nerves, and everyone went to bed super early.

In your wake I stumble on, but the smoke is nothing that I haven’t seen.

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PGA Tour

After the intensity yesterday, I knew I’d have to medicate today to keep the shakes down. I was early, so I just let the car do its thing to get me to the office, and from there I was actually pretty focused. I continued working in SCCM to fix some issues with Jim’s laptop deployment, but was still delayed by the network latency. At this point it would be much faster to just go to the high school and test my task sequences there.

I offered to take Maggie out to lunch for her birthday, but she said she had plans to meet a friend. She ended up disappearing for much of the day, so it was just the two old men and me, sipping my sweet tea all day. I didn’t eat my banana, and I wasn’t hungry for lunch, so I just plowed right through. I tried to stay hydrated, but somehow the lid to my cup popped off and I spilled 32 ounces of ice water all over the floor right outside our office. All I could do was shrug. I broke my cup and lid in the process, and to add insult to injury, they don’t seem to keep a mop in the closet with the other cleaning supplies. I had to use a rag to wipe it all up after wringing it out repeatedly.

The afternoon dragged by slowly, but quitting time eventually rolled around. I was exhausted and a bit dazed, but the car was a champ again. Eaddie called and wanted to know if we were going to go to Nebo with her, Eli, and my dad to take some more senior photos, so that was our new plan. I got home and tried to lay on the couch with Summer for a bit since she had gotten home fairly early. We started talking, and that continued off and on all night long.

The kids got there, followed by my dad, and we loaded Muad’Dib into the Pathfinder to drive up the mountain. Summer had to use the restroom, so we found the bathhouse first, then took some pictures at the overlook there. We still had quite a bit of daylight left, so we went around to the waterfall and took some pictures there. Our last stop was sunset point to get a few more shots as the sun set behind the clouds. I spotted a lone lady sitting on a rock staring into the distance, so I made a point to walk down by her with a smile and wish her well. I shared with her that I had spent many evenings there alone, and hoped that she was doing okay.

We stopped one last time at an overlook on the way down the mountain, and then headed home. My chat with Summer had kind of gone back and forth all day, but really took a defeating turn on the drive home. The way she digs into me and refuses any help unless somebody is forcing her makes me worry that I’m doing more harm than good just by being around at this point.

I didn’t find out until later, but Summer robbed my liquor cabinet on the way to take a bath. I warmed up some spaghetti for Eaddie and sat in the kitchen with her for another really great talk about how she basically wished we would split up. Coming from either of the other kids might have been an insult, but I knew what she meant. She just wants us both to be happy, and has a logical enough mindset that she sees a path forward for all of us. She recognized the decline of our relationship, especially after moving in together, and identified the core differences in our values and priorities. She especially didn’t want us sticking together on account of her, and hated that we’ve both been so unhappy in spite of how Summer says she feels. We discussed sitting down as a family to share our feelings, which is something I’ve struggled to get Summer to do even one-on-one, but Eaddie has proven time and time again that she has insight that both of us could use. She really is the daughter I always wanted.

I started to wind down, but heard Summer whimpering in the bedroom. By the time I got there, she was absolutely hammered and sobbing into her pillow from finishing my bottle of cocoa cayenne Bird Dog. In nearly eight years, I had never really seen her cry, and I’d definitely never seen her that drunk before. We “fought” for over two hours, mostly about me trying to get her to drink some water. I needed her to be able to open up emotionally, but in a more constructive way. We both called in to work, and I guess we’ll see if we can actually have an adult conversation tomorrow, but I’m betting on at least one hangover eating into that productivity. She is such an incredible woman, and we both learned and grew from one another a great deal in our time. I would still be broken in a big way without her. I never expected this to come to a head in this way. I’ve tried so hard, but I just don’t know if we can truly be good for one another in this kind of relationship.

Older than the ocean. Older than the night sky, I am.

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Whiskey Business

I was absolutely riddled with anxiety all day long. MacLeod got me to work safely and I did my best to settle in. I’ve been really surprised at how quiet things have been, and I wondered when the techs actually got any work done since Jimmy and Gary have been spending nearly all day, every day at the office. I got into the script server to run a manual sync for a new sub, which prompted a call from Randy while he was out on bereavement. I had it handled, so all was well.

Time seemed completely irrelevant, and I continued to wring my hands and tap my feet because I think I knew what was coming. I skipped lunch and tried to focus on Mosyle until I had to stop and help Jim with an OS deployment on one of the new Acers he got for the high school.

The drive home was the worst, as tics slowly took over all motor control. Then, as if I had been building up to this moment all day long, Shawna texted and then called to set expectations. Selfishly involving her in our own troubles had caused more harm than the help I was meant to provide for her. It would have been different with any other person in the universe, but there was no way she had thought of me the way I had thought of her for all this time. I couldn’t help but to freefall.

By the time I got inside, I was shaking pretty violently. Summer was warming up leftover spaghetti for dinner, but found me shivering in the corner of the closet. I don’t know how long we talked from that point, but after an anxiety attack, I wasn’t in a position to interfere with anyone or anything else. I quickly found the Fireball to keep myself from making any surprise trips out of town, and sat down to eat with Summer.

After our expectedly awkward dinner, I took Muad’Dib out for a run. He was amazing even when we encountered other dogs, including a loose poodle around the basin. He took a quick dip in the creek, and then we went back up and through the roundabout before making our way to my parents’ house. Dad came out with some leftover pork loin for him, and then we made it home where Summer and I sat out on the porch together for a bit.

The evening wound down pretty quickly after that since I wasn’t fit to put much brain power into anything else. Eaddie got home late and came to visit me briefly, and I eventually found my way to bed.

But what if it had actually worked???

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101 Problems

Summer got up and finally made the Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits that followed us in the move from her old house, along with sausage patties and eggs. Of course I got up too late and had to wait an hour after taking my medicine to eat, but the food was still good. Eaddie got up and went out with Eli, and I just tried to spend a bunch of time with Summer.

The weather wasn’t looking great, but it never got bad here. I started some laundry and then took Muad’Dib out for a run before it started raining. We took our normal route backwards so he could visit Dad before we went to basin to play in the creek. It was a really good run, but Summer had been simmering all day long. We both had some drinks to get some emotion flowing, and we tried to put together some cheap furniture I got from Amazon Vine.

I eventually threw a pizza in the oven so we wouldn’t be drinking all of our dinner, and as usual, things were good until they weren’t. Summer has been so vacant and depressed lately, but also belligerent any time I’ve tried to get her to think positively about herself. I’ve been exhausted by it after this many years, and through my own efforts of transparency, it ended up pushing Shawna to withdraw herself from the situation. Not willing to leave well enough alone, Summer reached out to her and had her call me, so I made Summer sit with me while we talked on speakerphone. It seemed like a pretty good conversation to me, but of course Summer was still mostly absent. Hopefully they can find something to bond over if they follow through with dinner later this week, because I’m drowning and I can’t handle her alone.

It’s a war of attrition.

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Swing, Swing, Swing

I went to bed super late and woke up when Summer made her coffee so I wouldn’t waste the day. We spent some time with the dog, and then she went to the gym while I tried to clean things up a bit. Suzanne and her godmother came over to return the old turtle tank I gave her, but I ended up telling her to just sell it and keep the money rather than let me put it into storage since I still have two large tanks that are unused.

Eaddie went out with Eli for an Easter service, and Summer and I eventually made it to the Neighborhood Market to get stuff to make salads and spaghetti for dinner. When we got home, I continued cleaning while she cooked. Then I took Muad’Dib out for a good run and returned Dad’s sledgehammer. I felt like that extra weight made my feet hurt on the Onewheel even more than usual.

The kids got home and we all sat down to eat a really great spaghetti dinner, and everything turned out really great. Summer cleaned up afterward, as I dealt with some minor aggravations. Later on, Eaddie went to chat with Summer in bed for a while, then came to talk to me as well. We ended up going to sit in the living room and had a great talk for a couple of hours until I started trying to fall asleep.

I should have known from the start.

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Nine-Tenths

I was severely sleep deprived, but I managed to get going and made it to work almost right at seven this morning. Gary was the only one that beat me there, but he was still smoking in his truck as I walked in. Johnny had called me just as I was taking my exit, so I continued to talk to him for a while after I got to my desk. Randy was out, but there wouldn’t have been much going on even if he was there.

Ben texted about lunch, so I met him at Flyway Brewing near the arena, and we shared some fried deviled eggs, and both got their smoked chicken wrap special. Everything was kind of “elevated” in some way, and tasted super good. We chatted for a while, and then I had to wait in the parking lot while a truck pumped something out of a hole in the ground.

The afternoon was super slow, and everyone snuck out a little early. I stopped in Morrilton for some beer, and then Summer and I spent some time together once I got home, before I took Muad’Dib out for his run. The weather was really nice for our ride, and he did pretty great. Once we got home, I sat on the porch and had some beer with Summer while we chatted. As it got dark, I set up my table tornado fire pit and we chatted until Eaddie got home.

By then it had gotten fairly late, so I put Summer to bed. Just as I sat down to wrap up, Shawna messaged to check on us, so I called and we talked for quite a while until bed.

Crash Time

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Keep Summer Safe!

I made it to work early again, but it was a sleepy drive both to and from after missing some sleep. I dug into SCCM some more, but didn’t really make any headway with my issue. The whole day just dragged on since it had felt like it should be Friday for the past three days.

Randy took me to North Bar to meet Jim and Kyle, and then Jay showed up as well, so I scooted to the adjacent table with him. I was super disappointed in the burger I got, due to the size and limited toppings. It was the most basic hamburger you could imagine, with almost nothing on it. I ate Jay’s fries and hushpuppies that he didn’t want, but his coleslaw was awful too. Overall a terrible experience.

The afternoon dragged on the worst until I headed home. The drive was long and dull, and I kept wanting to fall asleep. The car got me home safely though, and I took Muad’Dib out for a run before Summer got home from the gym. Dad was out taking senior pictures with Eaddie on Mt. Nebo, so we made it straight home where Summer was reclined on the porch with a glass of wine and her laptop, updating her résumé after a tough day at work.

We chatted for a bit, and then I came in to warm up some leftovers for us. I combined some meals into the gumbo and split it with her, and it turned out really good. After we ate, we talked for quite a while longer until she went to bed. Then I caught Shawna up on all the details and got her feedback. I did eventually make it to bed, but not for long.

My function is to “keep Summer safe,” not “keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe, and stuff.”

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One Ring to Find Them

The onramp was open this morning, so I actually made it to work pretty early. It’s been a little demoralizing that the old guys have just been sitting in their cubes watching reels and playing solitaire for most of the day, but I guess I’m not doing much better. I actually did have to work on a couple things today, but still spent most of my time waiting on unqualified users to complete simple tasks.

Randy and I met with White River and a guy from SkyPBX to chat about a new phone system, and then Randy had to disappear to help resolve an issue with receiving something like 17 pallets of Chromebooks. I worked through lunch and ate trash pizza. The afternoon dragged on forever.

The roads were wide open on the way home, so I stopped to wash the gigantic bug splatter off of my car as soon as I got into town. Summer was home early after getting almost all of her hair chopped off, so we visited for a bit before I took Muad’Dib out for a run.

It was nice outside, so I spent some time brushing him at a bench by the trail again, then we visited with Dad before making it home. I finished up the tacos while Summer had some of her gumbo, and then she finished up work from home before bed. I wrapped up pretty early myself, but didn’t get to bed much earlier.

Dig in.

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Look at the Stars

I thought I’d make it to work a bit early today, but the onramp was closed again, followed by nearly stop-and-go traffic from Conway all the way to Little Rock. I still made it before anyone else of importance, so none of it mattered. I spent the whole day doing Vine reviews again, so once they post, I should be up over 70% from what I can tell.

We had a lunch-and-learn with Howard and a vendor at American Pie Pizza, and I ate way too much. It was a strange mix of chips, cheese dip, salsa, wings, and pizza, but it was pretty good. The pizza was mostly cold by the time we got to it, but it was also free.

The afternoon was more of the same, but went by quickly until quitting time. We were supposed to meet with Diana about the house again, so I tried to stop by Blue Barn Bakery. I assumed the door was only a back door, so I didn’t try turning the handle and left empty handed, but then Summer texted just as I got home to say that she was feeling chest and throat pain. I texted Diana to let her know we probably shouldn’t meet if Summer was sick, and we decided to reschedule for another time.

Power had been out for most of the afternoon, so all I could do was take Muad’Dib out for a run. Summer made it home and rested all evening while we ran. It was super nice out, but the entire neighborhood was lit up with the sound of generators on every block. I brushed Muad’Dib out while we were at the basin trail, and then we visited Dad before making it home. I reviewed my final tax forms and got those paid, and eventually made it to bed pretty late since Eaddie wasn’t home until nearly midnight for state concert assessment.

And all the things that you do