Tag: anger management

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Unvaluable

Eaddie accidentally locked Muad’Dib out on the wrong side of the baby gate last night, so at some point I woke up and he met me on the other side of the closed bedroom door. He slept well with me after that, and I was only a little bit disoriented when my alarm went off to get ready for work.

I stopped at McDonald’s in Atkins for a bagel and made it to work a little late, as planned. My desk had already been scavenged for parts, but I still had my docking station and a couple monitors. I got things set up, and then Randy immediately had me start imaging a couple of laptops for him. I had to fix the OS deployment in SCCM after they had changed some things, but I got everything working well enough.

I probably worked more today than I did the rest of the month. Randy also needed the web server fixed to host student photos, which was easy enough to do. My biggest concern was getting what I wanted copied over and brought home.

Kyle really wanted a Chinese buffet for lunch, so Randy drove us all the way up to Jacksonville since there didn’t appear to be a closer one. Maggie and her youngest, who had been hanging out with us in the office all day, met us there. It was called “New China” and looked very similar to the one in Russellville, but I think they had a better variety of foods. I really liked it. The only big disappointments were the thinness of the egg drop soup and the temperature of the fried fish.

I cut the afternoon short because I had to get across the river to have my blood drawn before my follow up appointment tomorrow. When I got to Genesis, they seemed confused that anyone would tell me to just walk in and have blood drawn, but they got it done after a short wait. I continued toward home after that, through a little bit of rain, and decided to stop at Bitec to confirm my start time and whether I needed to bring anything else with me for my first day. Joel appeared to be the only one there, and suggested that I might bring my two forms of ID just in case any paperwork wasn’t completed.

Summer was making cupcakes when I got home, and Eaddie was preparing to have some friends over for an evening of Guitar Hero. They had me order some Domino’s at a near-extortionary price, which I then went to retrieve with Muad’Dib, because he really wanted an adventure.

Eaddie had one or two new faces over, along with a couple other familiars. They stayed in her room to play while Summer finished the cupcakes. Earlier in the day I suggested that she might just make sure to have some free time to spend with me, but it ended up being a really rough night of aggravation and confirmation of misalignment.

I took out some trash and discovered a nearly-full dumpster. Eaddie had thrown away a bunch of stuff when she cleaned out her room, and an unsurprising amount of that stuff was perfectly good to keep, sell, donate, or reuse. Much of it was brand new, and several were types of things we had recently purchased more of because we didn’t know we had any. I pulled out a small box full of stuff before I became frustrated enough with the constant swarm of flies and mosquitos, and came back inside. I cleaned up a couple of messes that were left behind, fixed some things that were done poorly or outright incorrectly, completed some abandoned laundry, and finally sped through my “me time” before going to bed.

Just because they’re intrusive doesn’t mean they’re wrong.

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The Flamboyance

Summer disappeared this morning to run some errands, and Muad’Dib finally got up from between my legs, freeing me from my splayed prison in the night. He crawled up beside me, then pushed himself into me to be the little spoon, so I had no choice but to lie with him a little longer before getting up. It was his birthday, after all.

When Summer got home, she had already picked up most everything she needed to throw Eaddie’s pool party. She had a little bit of prepwork to do, but all I really did was pull out the collection of flamingo gifts and take a shower. Eaddie got up and left for something, so we just got everything ready.

Summer had to leave for some new wrapping paper, and she left all the food on the floor, so Muad’Dib helped himself to a bag of hamburger buns, then hid what remained of it in his little spot by the fireplace. By this point, I couldn’t do anything but roll my eyes. For some reason, she also bought huge Ball Park buns to go with the cheap, shrinking, frozen burger patties, and somehow that was the more upsetting part.

We eventually got everything to my parents’ house, and we started blowing up balloons for a big flamingo arch. Neither of us had ever done that before, so we didn’t really know what we were up against. There were a ton of balloons, and our air pumps were woefully underpowered. Dad pulled out an electric pump for inflatables, but it didn’t push out enough pressure. I ended up blowing up many of them by mouth, but I was so hot and sweaty by that point that I didn’t really ever hyperventilate.

Once the balloons were inflated, she went outside to set up and I assembled the arch. It came with a neat little plastic strip that hooked onto the knots, and I just went down the line filling in the best I could. I had a giant one blow up, and a couple others fall off, but we eventually got it mostly done and carried it outside. That was when the fireworks really started.

I don’t know if it was just the heat, or shifting of the things in the wind or against other objects, but balloons started randomly popping loudly enough that it scared Muad’Dib. He pretty immediately ran away, and nobody seemed concerned enough to chase after him. At one point he actually ran out the fence and started running toward home. Luckily Eaddie and Eli saw him on their way over, and stopped to pick him up.

From that point on, he stayed mostly in the cabana. It was hot anyway, so he didn’t have a great time. We took a dip in the pool, I had to run home for a couple things. I took Muad’Dib with me because he really wanted to go. He just stood at the car door and waited to be let in. We got our stuff and headed back as others showed up.

I had to restart the charcoal at some point, but eventually got things going. I was getting smoked out, but people were also crowding me at the grill, and I couldn’t get out of it. My eyes burned on top of the sweat that was already irritating me. Julie and Kevin took over the grill after that.

Overall the party was a success. The kids seemed to have an okay time, though things did seem less centered around them due to the limit on outside friends that could be invited. We all ate, Eaddie opened presents, we had mushy milk cake, and then people filtered out. Summer, Dad, and I cleaned up, popped all of the balloons we spent so long filling, and eventually got loaded up to go home. Just as we were about to leave, Mom decided she wanted some hamburgers and I had to partially unpack the trunk to get food for her.

We finally made it home where Eaddie and Eli were hanging out. They had plans to leave for the evening, but I had one giant, stuffed flamingo left to gift her that we had forgotten at home. Once they left, I made Summer and myself a couple drinks and thought we’d get to sit down for a moment, but then I realized how late it was. I left her on the couch and went to wrap up my own chores, but apparently I wasn’t vocal enough about it and she got her feelings hurt.

She went to bed, I did my thing, and then it was off to bed.

Flocking fabulous.

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Re-Store

I struggled to get rolling this morning, but I had one big task I wanted to complete, which was getting blood drawn for my upcoming appointment. I had some leftover hibachi stuff I had made on the grill, then got cleaned up for a trip out. Eaddie was trapped cleaning her room all day, so I took Muad’Dib and went to the hospital.

As luck would have it, the Genesis Cancer and Blood Institute was closed today. It didn’t even cross my mind to check their hours, but evidently they’re only there Tuesday through Thursday. We left there and ended up going to Summer’s storage unit on a whim just to see what she had moved.

After a few frustrating minutes of finding my way into the facility, locating the building, and then locating the storage unit, I was in. She had rented a fairly large space and piled up a few boxes of my stuff in the corner. It seemed to take her multiple trips in her Model Y, so I was worried at first, but I was able to fit all of it in my Model 3 even with the dog in the back seat. We headed home and I told her to cancel the rental.

I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening going through my stuff, reorganizing and familiarizing myself with where things were. Being highly dependent upon spatial awareness, having my shit moved is incredibly jarring. I managed to figure out most of it, and separated a few things to sell in the process. At one point I started digging through the dog’s locker and had a pretty quick anxiety attack.

Eaddie left for the gym and Summer got home late after closing the lube. It started thunderstorming just as I had decided to take Muad’Dib out for an acoustic walk, so we were stuck inside. He hadn’t had a good run in a week, so he took a long bathroom break out in the rain, and I decided to give him a good bath. He did fairly well, but then got distracted when the kids got home and ate a bunch of leftovers.

Summer has a run sometime tomorrow, but with the storm rolling through, it’s anyone’s guess what actually happens.

What a Shock. Top dinner.

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Destinare

I slept pretty hard last night and didn’t set an alarm, so it was lucky that I woke up just in time to get cleaned up and hit the road to make it to Stephen’s visitation. We decided to take Muad’Dib with us since Eaddie had plans to go boating with some friends. Summer and I just drove ourselves and planned to meet my parents and Julie in Bismark.

We made it to Ola where we stopped for some Chester’s Chicken and a dried up chimichanga to tide us over. The drive down Highway 7 was mostly fun, but before we got to Jessieville, a Camaro and I got stuck behind a long line of people driving 15 miles under the speed limit. The internal monologue was not kind. The external monologue wasn’t much better.

Once we got into Hot Springs, I decided to stop at the Franklin’s Charging Station to get a little bit of juice just in case we were stuck out in the middle of nowhere for a while. I figured we would be leaving Muad’Dib in the car for a while as well, and I wasn’t sure how much power that would take. It wasn’t as nice of a place as their Little Rock location, but it was fine to be in a place just outside of town.

We made it to the Bismarck First Methodist Church just after the rest of my family, and we let Muad’Dib out to stretch his legs. He made a quick loop through the church before we put him back in the car. I wasn’t terribly impressed with the service because it felt very impersonal to me. We didn’t really even stay long enough to visit with the family for very long. Once they had the flag unfolded and folded back up again, we left.

Julie was pretty hangry, so I suggested Fisherman’s Wharf for their dog-friendly deck over the water. When we got there, I was surprised that there wasn’t a wait for outside seating, since there appeared to be a line of people waiting to sit inside. We made it through the restaurant to our table, and Muad’Dib had lots of fun looking around, and staring at geese in the water. It took awhile for our food to come out. Letting our waitress, named Destiny, choose my entire meal seemed only fitting.

My food was good, but Julie complained about her fillet. I ate what she didn’t, and I agreed that it was overcooked and under-seasoned. The gator tail appetizer was also an incredibly small portion of incredibly small pieces. At least they tasted pretty good.

We parted ways after our early dinner. Julie took Mom and Dad back through Little Rock again, and Summer and I went into Hot Springs to wander around. I first took us through the car wash a couple of times since I wouldn’t be back again, presumably ever. Then we made it downtown where the Tesla chargers were all occupied. Luckily, the power pole right behind the available spot had a piece of plywood with multiple varied outlets available. I got my mobile connector out, and wouldn’t you know, the very first plug I tried was energized and we were up and going.

Muad’Dib had a great time walking the strip off-leash with us. He behaved super well, except for one moment when he wouldn’t stop sniffing a poodle walking the other direction. I held onto his e-collar remote after that, and he immediately returned to my side any time I beeped him. We walked down a ways, crossed the street, and walked down to find some ice cream. Summer asked for a pup cup, and though that wasn’t something they normally did, the girl gave her a cup of whipped cream anyway. We sat outside, fed him, and shared a banana split. Then it was back to the car.

Take my hand!

Take my hand!

I filled up some water bottles, and then we loaded up to head home. I let the car drive the entire way home up Highway 7, and it did fabulously. Muad’Dib appreciated not sliding back and forth in the seat from hitting the curves at three times the recommended speed, and Summer didn’t have to stop to throw up. I just accepted that the drive would be less exciting, and more relaxing instead.

I stopped at Casey’s for a freebie, and then we made it home. Eaddie was back and didn’t bother coming out of her room to greet us. I took Muad’Dib out in the dark for a short, cool, evening run. We went straight to my parents’ house, then a modified route back home. He did great, and was ready for bed once we got home.

My Vine reviewed appeared to be up to date enough that my review period was over. The girls both went to bed, I vacuumed Muad’Dib and gave him a spritz of cologne, and eventually went to sleep.

Choose your own adventure. Or not. Whatever.

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Pack Rat

I heard something making a racket in the kitchen this morning, and after sneaking around a bit, I discovered a small rat in the dog food bag. After that many failed attempts to get out, I thought I might be able to grab the bag and move it outside, but of course as soon as I approached, it was able to leap out without a care in the world. It scurried under the kitchen table, so it might as well be gone forever. I set a live trap with all of my remaining hopes and dreams, and a bit of peanut butter, and got ready for work.

I was running a bit late, but Maggie and the two old men were the only ones there. Nobody asked anything of me, so I quietly stared at FortiAuthenticator documentation for the entire day. I had an anxiety attack at some point, but otherwise it was uneventful. We’re officially on four ten-hour days, but that actually worked out to about nine and a half. I left briefly for some McDonald’s since nobody else wanted to do lunch.

While I was at work, I saw Summer shuttling back and forth between the house and Added Space Storage. I guess she figured that was an easy midway point between both houses. I couldn’t tell what she was moving, because none of the large, obvious things were moved out of the house. She didn’t respond to my text, so I made it home for the surprise.

The laundry room had been cleared out, which seemed like an unimportant space to me. I changed clothes and started to take Muad’Dib out for a run, but Summer asked me to sit with her. I sat in the floor and pet the dog while she finished her episode of Grey’s Anatomy. Then we left for our run. I wasn’t particularly hungry, but I needed something different, so we rode to Ridgewood Brothers to see what they had cooking.

Wouldn’t you know it was burger day, so I had another hamburger. I’m sure that it was better than my Double Quarter Pounder Delux, but I was buzzing too hard to really tell. They gave me some scrap pulled pork for Muad’Dib too, so he climbed up to sit at the picnic table with me and we had dinner together.

After dinner, we stopped in to see my parents. Dad had come over to help Summer find the dead rat in the house, which was different than the live rat I found in the morning. Summer had candles burning to cover up the smell, but I hadn’t smelled it when I left in the morning anyway. I’m sure it was a nasty discovery though.

We made it home and I took out the recycling and trash before wrapping up for the night.

I’ve got doodles I’d undo.

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Orbital Anomalies

I thought I’d go for a change and stop at McDonald’s in Atkins this morning, and I had a much better experience than I expected. It was a bright, anxious ride in to work just to learn that Randy was leaving at lunch. I got LAPS working on my test devices, but then struggled to choose a battle for the rest of the day.

Since I was on my own again, I just went to McDonald’s for a late lunch date with a Big Mac. It felt fittingly depressive, and then I sipped on my punch all afternoon. When I got back to the office, everyone was standing outside due to an evacuation alarm. The fire department showed up and gave the all-clear, but we never did figure out what triggered it in the first place.

I ended up working just a little bit late since I would be meeting Mitch for dinner. He said he had some extra crew in town that was going to grill at the hotel, so I figured I could grab some steaks on the way over. I stopped to charge for a few minutes outside the Baptist Health building, but it ran even slower than a regular outlet. I finally went to Walmart and picked up a couple T-bones, some chips and dips, and a couple ears of corn, and went to Mitch’s hotel to wait for him.

They ended up having outlets on the outside of the building, so I charged faster there than I did at the Baptist Health chargers. Mitch showed up, went to change, then came back down and sat in my car. Evidently he changed his mind and wanted to go out, but I misread the message and bought food. We changed plans back to grill, but then he wasn’t sure when the other guys were cooking.

We ran to a gas station so he could get some beer, then went up to his room for a bit. We talked for quite a while, and I never realized he dated Rachel seriously way back in the day. He said they broke up and she turned right around and married Jacob, who later divorced and married Sarah. It felt like the layers of the Matrix were being pulled back before my eyes. It’s all a construct.

We had finally given up on cooking and I was just going to let him keep the food and go out instead, but as soon as we pulled into the Cactus Jack’s parking lot, he got a text that they were ready to grill and we headed back again. One of the other guys had the grill going, so we let him take care of the steaks. They actually turned out perfect in spite of the trouble he had with the wind blowing out the propane. It was a decent time, though Mitch had Alyssa over and it ended up being the three of us eating alone.

I got home quickly after that, stopping in Conway to charge for just a couple minutes. I couldn’t handle much more of this tiny universe. These bodies orbit much too closely.

I have Trusty Shoes

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Back to Bassics – Mother’s Day

I woke up today and tried to choose joy, or at least keep myself hyped up enough to get the house in order for guests. Summer got up for some coffee and went to the gym, and I blasted some music throughout the house and got to cleaning. Eaddie eventually got up and left for church, and I had to prep the grill for some twice-smoked potatoes, asparagus, and New York strip steaks for the family.

Summer got home and I tried to accept a minimal amount of help from her, but she did lend a hand a few times. The grill was stubborn to get going again, but after a few starter cubes it finally picked up some heat. I smoked the potatoes for about an hour at 400º and then dropped them to about 225º while I took a shower. Then I smoked the steaks at 200º for about an hour before they got a little hotter than I intended. I pulled them off to rest and then cranked the heat up to 700º to cook the asparagus before throwing the steaks back on to sear.

Julie and Kevin showed up first, but Mom and Dad weren’t terribly late. I was in a rush to get everyone eating though, since I knew the steaks didn’t take on very much heat from the sear and would likely be a little cool to eat. Julie brought a salad and Dad brought a pumpkin cake. I thought my steak was pretty tough, but it wasn’t bad. It was by far the best I had cooked for them though. I failed to replicate the greatness of what I grilled for Noah and Michael a couple months ago.

After we ate, people started griping at me about still having things at the old house. I’ve been paralysed for a number of reasons that ultimately don’t matter, and I need to get it done. Then somehow we got onto the topic of money/rent/equity again, and for as hard as I’ve tried to just let it all go at a loss, they just kept wanting to dig in more like I’ve just always been in the wrong. Somehow, Julie said she had missed the singular point that I had ever made during every single argument we’ve ever had about it, and didn’t realize I was of the understanding that I was building equity. Mom kept asking to show her the paperwork where we officially agreed to anything at all. I ultimately had to just close my eyes and concentrate on breathing until it passed.

Once everyone left, I pushed Summer out of the kitchen because she was trying to clean up. Then I took Muad’Dib out for a long run and brushed him out a bunch at the basin before we circled around and made it home. He must have been tired from all the scraps, because he didn’t want to run much. Once we got home, I finished doing the dishes and then cleaned up everything outside before winding down for bed.

I’m sure it’s nothing but some heartburn, baby.

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Are You Sidereus?!

I slept in a little bit today after a fairly long, rough day yesterday. Time had lost most of its meaning anyway. Summer was having coffee in the living room, and I think Eaddie went to school at least for a little while. Shawna actually responded back to my checking in on her lack of checking in. I said my peace, which went predictably about the same that it did fourteen years ago. At least it provided a bit of closure so I could keep my eyes forward.

Summer went to work for a while, and I took a shower and then put on some music while I assembled a metal locker I got from Vine for our dog accessories. Later in the afternoon, Summer met me at the Genesis Blood and Cancer Institute when she finished her workout. I had to pay a bunch more money (big surprise!) for reasons that could not be explained (when are we expecting America be great again?), and then we sat in the waiting room for nearly an hour before going back for vitals and then a chat with an eerily chipper Dr. Chen.

He entered the room with a cheery, “Hey buddy!” that had me dreading the worst news. It must be incredibly deflating to deal with a terminal as a profession, but he had good news. I now had too much iron. He dropped my supplements, and then suggested an SSRI for my anxiety attacks. I was leery of too much tinkering, but I’m no science-denier. We’ll try it his way.

We headed home, but it was too rainy to run Muad’Dib. Summer took a bath, and then we went out to Check H for dinner. We watched a Ricky Gervais Netflix special when we got home, then started for bed. Eaddie called late because she had lost the keys to the Murano and was stuck at the high school. I actually had a bit of dialog with Shawna to wrap up the night, and wrap up whatever the fuck happened there.

Hopefully we all learned a little about each other, and a lot about ourselves.

🚩 Took me 20 minutes lol 🚩

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Costly Affirmations

Today was mostly fighting parasitic thoughts after a fairly rough night. An attempt was made, to be sure, but it was all rumination on betrayal and disillusionment. Summer’s been unreasonably supportive throughout the entire thing, but that’s not without problems as well. We did manage to have a pretty good breakfast of pancakes, eggs, bacon, and sausage, but I could hardly keep myself from staring into space.

Eaddie got around and left for church and Summer went to the gym while I tried to draw focus. I cleaned up a little bit, broke down some boxes, and took out some recycling. At some point I did manage to get a shower, and later installed a light strip in the trunk of my car.

Summer got home from the gym and did some deep cleaning of her own, but things got really tense when I called out her poor substitutions, like cleaning with apple cider vinegar when she couldn’t find any white, and leaving furniture polish streaks on glass. I never try to make her feel bad, but she just doesn’t seem to get things, and I feel like I’m drowning.

The kids went out for a band picnic, so Summer thought we’d have some old frozen salmon fillets for dinner. I took over for her and thought I’d steam it and some veggies over some rice. I couldn’t find my steamer basket though, so I ran to the old house and ended up grabbing a different rice cooker that had its basket. While I was on the way over, I got a voice message from Mitch that he was in Little Rock for work. I called and talked to him for a bit, but ultimately decided against driving out for just an hour or so before he had to go to bed.

I started the rice and salmon, then ran to the Neighborhood Market for some quick frozen veggies to steam, then took Muad’Dib for a run. We went backwards to avoid an old lady walking a tiny dog, which was fine. We visited my parents, then went through the basin and back home. It was a bit chilly and quiet out, which might have been more peaceful if I hadn’t already felt incredibly uncomfortable.

We got home and Summer came out to eat. Dinner wasn’t great, but it was edible. At least the fish cooked all the way through. I laid down in bed with Summer for a while just to try and relax, and I started to pass out while she was scratching my back. I got up to wrap up the evening, and then Eaddie came home and wanted to chat with us for a bit before we all went to bed.

Sold Here

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Toad Eye Four

We got up early and Eli came over so we could head to Conway for Summer’s Toad Suck Daze 10k. We got to the high school and dropped Summer off, and once the race was started, I took the kids to Sonic for a snack. We ate at the picnic table outside, then got back to the race just in time to find a place to watch Summer coming in for the finish line. We waited around for awards, but left once she found out she wasn’t getting anything.

I thought Randy was going to meet us, but we missed him. We went downtown early, before the festival was officially open, and wandered around the block for a bit. We finally landed at the Toad Dome where Summer wanted to watch baby races. The kids went to get a funnel cake, and then we all made it into the tiny bleachers to watch the toad races. They called for first-timers, and Eli got pulled up to race in the first round. He ended up getting a tiny toad though, and came in next-to-last place.

After that, we wandered down the block again and ended up having lunch at R&M Southern Eatery. They had a Cajun menu that pleased everyone. Eaddie got a huge pasta that she shared since she wasn’t actually that hungry. My gumbo was heavy on the rice and light on the gumbo, but tasted great. Eli had a pretty small looking chicken sandwich, but he said it filled him up. Summer was going to get chicken and waffles, but I talked her into chicken and beignes instead, which she loved.

After we ate, we headed across town and let the girls shop for a dress at Cato while Eli and I went to Dollar Tree for some snacks. That got us to the theater just in time for Thunderbolts*. I thought the movie was pretty good, but I wished they had spent some time explaining how they made Bob.

We left the movie and went across town so Eaddie could do some dress shopping for graduation. I got a pair of shoes to use an expiring reward, and Eaddie finally found some dresses at Old Navy. We headed home after that, and then I took Muad’Dib out for a run as the sun started to set. It was nice and cool out, so he was practically flying. We visited my parents for a little while, and made it home where I sat with Summer in front of the TV just briefly before she went to bed.

I want to be the one everyone can rely on if they make a mistake.