Tag: anger management

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Are You Sidereus?!

I slept in a little bit today after a fairly long, rough day yesterday. Time had lost most of its meaning anyway. Summer was having coffee in the living room, and I think Eaddie went to school at least for a little while. Shawna actually responded back to my checking in on her lack of checking in. I said my peace, which went predictably about the same that it did fourteen years ago. At least it provided a bit of closure so I could keep my eyes forward.

Summer went to work for a while, and I took a shower and then put on some music while I assembled a metal locker I got from Vine for our dog accessories. Later in the afternoon, Summer met me at the Genesis Blood and Cancer Institute when she finished her workout. I had to pay a bunch more money (big surprise!) for reasons that could not be explained (when are we expecting America be great again?), and then we sat in the waiting room for nearly an hour before going back for vitals and then a chat with an eerily chipper Dr. Chen.

He entered the room with a cheery, “Hey buddy!” that had me dreading the worst news. It must be incredibly deflating to deal with a terminal as a profession, but he had good news. I now had too much iron. He dropped my supplements, and then suggested an SSRI for my anxiety attacks. I was leery of too much tinkering, but I’m no science-denier. We’ll try it his way.

We headed home, but it was too rainy to run Muad’Dib. Summer took a bath, and then we went out to Check H for dinner. We watched a Ricky Gervais Netflix special when we got home, then started for bed. Eaddie called late because she had lost the keys to the Murano and was stuck at the high school. I actually had a bit of dialog with Shawna to wrap up the night, and wrap up whatever the fuck happened there.

Hopefully we all learned a little about each other, and a lot about ourselves.

🚩 Took me 20 minutes lol 🚩

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Costly Affirmations

Today was mostly fighting parasitic thoughts after a fairly rough night. An attempt was made, to be sure, but it was all rumination on betrayal and disillusionment. Summer’s been unreasonably supportive throughout the entire thing, but that’s not without problems as well. We did manage to have a pretty good breakfast of pancakes, eggs, bacon, and sausage, but I could hardly keep myself from staring into space.

Eaddie got around and left for church and Summer went to the gym while I tried to draw focus. I cleaned up a little bit, broke down some boxes, and took out some recycling. At some point I did manage to get a shower, and later installed a light strip in the trunk of my car.

Summer got home from the gym and did some deep cleaning of her own, but things got really tense when I called out her poor substitutions, like cleaning with apple cider vinegar when she couldn’t find any white, and leaving furniture polish streaks on glass. I never try to make her feel bad, but she just doesn’t seem to get things, and I feel like I’m drowning.

The kids went out for a band picnic, so Summer thought we’d have some old frozen salmon fillets for dinner. I took over for her and thought I’d steam it and some veggies over some rice. I couldn’t find my steamer basket though, so I ran to the old house and ended up grabbing a different rice cooker that had its basket. While I was on the way over, I got a voice message from Mitch that he was in Little Rock for work. I called and talked to him for a bit, but ultimately decided against driving out for just an hour or so before he had to go to bed.

I started the rice and salmon, then ran to the Neighborhood Market for some quick frozen veggies to steam, then took Muad’Dib for a run. We went backwards to avoid an old lady walking a tiny dog, which was fine. We visited my parents, then went through the basin and back home. It was a bit chilly and quiet out, which might have been more peaceful if I hadn’t already felt incredibly uncomfortable.

We got home and Summer came out to eat. Dinner wasn’t great, but it was edible. At least the fish cooked all the way through. I laid down in bed with Summer for a while just to try and relax, and I started to pass out while she was scratching my back. I got up to wrap up the evening, and then Eaddie came home and wanted to chat with us for a bit before we all went to bed.

Sold Here

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Toad Eye Four

We got up early and Eli came over so we could head to Conway for Summer’s Toad Suck Daze 10k. We got to the high school and dropped Summer off, and once the race was started, I took the kids to Sonic for a snack. We ate at the picnic table outside, then got back to the race just in time to find a place to watch Summer coming in for the finish line. We waited around for awards, but left once she found out she wasn’t getting anything.

I thought Randy was going to meet us, but we missed him. We went downtown early, before the festival was officially open, and wandered around the block for a bit. We finally landed at the Toad Dome where Summer wanted to watch baby races. The kids went to get a funnel cake, and then we all made it into the tiny bleachers to watch the toad races. They called for first-timers, and Eli got pulled up to race in the first round. He ended up getting a tiny toad though, and came in next-to-last place.

After that, we wandered down the block again and ended up having lunch at R&M Southern Eatery. They had a Cajun menu that pleased everyone. Eaddie got a huge pasta that she shared since she wasn’t actually that hungry. My gumbo was heavy on the rice and light on the gumbo, but tasted great. Eli had a pretty small looking chicken sandwich, but he said it filled him up. Summer was going to get chicken and waffles, but I talked her into chicken and beignes instead, which she loved.

After we ate, we headed across town and let the girls shop for a dress at Cato while Eli and I went to Dollar Tree for some snacks. That got us to the theater just in time for Thunderbolts*. I thought the movie was pretty good, but I wished they had spent some time explaining how they made Bob.

We left the movie and went across town so Eaddie could do some dress shopping for graduation. I got a pair of shoes to use an expiring reward, and Eaddie finally found some dresses at Old Navy. We headed home after that, and then I took Muad’Dib out for a run as the sun started to set. It was nice and cool out, so he was practically flying. We visited my parents for a little while, and made it home where I sat with Summer in front of the TV just briefly before she went to bed.

I want to be the one everyone can rely on if they make a mistake.

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Chasing Lightning

It was a bit rainy on the way to work, but the drive wasn’t too bad. Lightning rippled through the clouds a few times, creating a fishing net of light cast across the sky. I arrived fairly early and Randy was already hard at work with the domain controllers. I mostly sat back so we didn’t have too many hands in the cookie jar, and instead fought an issue for our Cenergistic guy who couldn’t figure out how to remote into the system I set up for him. He eventually came by the office so I could take a look at his laptop, and it looked like he just couldn’t save the connection because of rotating credentials.

Randy and I met Jay, Charles, Kyle, and Hunter at Cotham’s for lunch, and I think my burger was even bigger than usual. It was great, and I tried to impart as much wisdom onto Jay as I could. I was feeling a little frisky, so I almost approached a girl for him, who he was eyeing, but I figured that would be best saved for another time.

Randy left for the day after dropping me off, and with Maggie out all day, things were quiet at the office. Time got away from me a bit, and then it was an aggravatingly slow drive home through traffic. The kids had just finished eating some leftovers when I got there, so I took Muad’Dib out for a run.

We went all the way out to Casey’s so I could redeem a free slush. We encountered an old lady walking a rather unruly dog, and she pointed at us saying it was bad because her dog didn’t like it. Muad’Dib stayed right by my side with hardly a look, and waited patiently outside while I got my slush. Tracy saw me walking out and said hello, and I thought the number of call center throwbacks has been wild this year. Muad’Dib and I rode down the sidewalk and crossed over without any trouble, and I decided to swing through the Ridgewood Brothers to see if anyone was home.

Failing there, we continued past Kroger, across town, through the basin for a dip, and down to see Dad for a while before we made it home. Seven and a half miles, and he loved every bit of it. The kids were gone, but Summer got home shortly after we did. She ate some leftovers, and then we wound down pretty quickly. Eaddie tried on her graduation gown when she got home, and it was off to bed before the Toad Suck race in the morning.

’cause the love that you lost wasn’t worth what it cost

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Day Drunk Productivity Suite

We got up for breakfast this morning, but Eaddie left for church and it was just the two of us. I thought Summer was making pancakes, but she had actually planned to make biscuits. We ended up scratching the bread altogether and cleaned up some hash browns with eggs and sausage links instead. Then we had a couple Jumex Hard Nectars to get the party started. I was determined to drown out the heartbreak with productivity, so I cranked some tunes, started some laundry, and cleaned up a whole bunch of random stuff that had been sitting around for ages. Summer went to the gym, then came home and wanted to mow the yard while it was nice out.

I replaced Eaddie’s shower head with a dual rain head and handheld sprayer. Summer went to the store to get some salmon, Brussels sprouts, and sweet potatoes for dinner. I had a minor meltdown over a spice cabinet in complete disarray while I was trying to prep the salmon, so I had to reorganize everything before I could get the fish on the grill. My silver lining was that I was able to clean up at least three different seasoning mixes that we’ve had for ages. Summer whipped up some awesome sides, Eaddie had Eli over, and the four of us had a really great sit-down meal. Everything turned out super good in the end.

Muad’Dib and I went out for a run after dinner, but he was really only up for a casual jog. The first leg of our ride was eerily quiet, but we eventually saw some people and a couple of cars in the road. For a moment it felt a little too Twilight Zone. We got through the basin for a quick dip, then stopped to see my parents. Dad has had some leftover meat that Muad’Dib has been loving, so he didn’t get any extra treats when we got home. We sat on the porch with Summer, who was sitting back in quiet contemplation.

So much has been up in the air over the past year, and the past couple of months really brought out a lot of pain points that we’d just been kicking down the road. On top of all of that, she finally has her MRI tomorrow and she’s been super nervous. We’ll just have to attack each day as it presents itself.

You and I stargazing

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101 Problems

Summer got up and finally made the Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits that followed us in the move from her old house, along with sausage patties and eggs. Of course I got up too late and had to wait an hour after taking my medicine to eat, but the food was still good. Eaddie got up and went out with Eli, and I just tried to spend a bunch of time with Summer.

The weather wasn’t looking great, but it never got bad here. I started some laundry and then took Muad’Dib out for a run before it started raining. We took our normal route backwards so he could visit Dad before we went to basin to play in the creek. It was a really good run, but Summer had been simmering all day long. We both had some drinks to get some emotion flowing, and we tried to put together some cheap furniture I got from Amazon Vine.

I eventually threw a pizza in the oven so we wouldn’t be drinking all of our dinner, and as usual, things were good until they weren’t. Summer has been so vacant and depressed lately, but also belligerent any time I’ve tried to get her to think positively about herself. I’ve been exhausted by it after this many years, and through my own efforts of transparency, it ended up pushing Shawna to withdraw herself from the situation. Not willing to leave well enough alone, Summer reached out to her and had her call me, so I made Summer sit with me while we talked on speakerphone. It seemed like a pretty good conversation to me, but of course Summer was still mostly absent. Hopefully they can find something to bond over if they follow through with dinner later this week, because I’m drowning and I can’t handle her alone.

It’s a war of attrition.

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Goulashes

It was a rough night, but I still woke up early to check on Muad’Dib. He had his head down all day, and it broke my heart how depressed he looked. I almost wished he had gone too, just for the sake of not being alone with whatever trauma he witnessed. He just hasn’t been right since we lost Stilgar, and I feel similarly. I tried to go back to bed for a while, but just laid awake with my mind rolling.

I eventually got around and spent some time outside with him before getting cleaned up to go for a run. I had been slowly organizing my thoughts for our Indianapolis trip, and needed to visit Dad to see what he had planned for taking care of Muad’Dib. We rode straight over to their house to visit, and then I took him backwards around the basin trail. He did great off-leash until we encountered a young guy spraying something on his lawn. Evidently he had an infant in a car seat in his garage floor, and Muad’Dib made a beeline for the kid as soon as it started crying. I ended up having to zap him multiple times to stop him dead in his tracks right by the guy, and I apologized profusely as I grabbed his leash and took him back to the road.

We got back home and I had a burrito for a late lunch and then paid my stack of medical bills. Eaddie came home and ate some of those leftovers with some Fritos as well, and then thought I should cook something with the extra macaroni that Summer made the other day. I eventually got back out of the house, washed my car again, then went to the Neighborhood Market for some hamburger meat and a bunch of snacks for our trip.

I ended up making a sort of goulash I found online, but with a twist of Rotel instead of diced tomatoes. I let Muad’Dib hang out with me in the kitchen while I cooked, and he was a super good boy. The girls were thrilled when they saw him inside, but I told them he couldn’t stay, especially while he was still dirty and untrained. The goulash was super easy, and the girls really liked it. It made a big pot of food, so we’ll have something to eat as soon as we get home.

The girls packed up and I took Muad’Dib for a quick night run back to visit Dad. Then I packed once we got back home. The girls went to bed super early as usual, and I just did what I could and powered through an anxiety attack.

As in the best it is.

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The Breakdown

I got up this morning to an empty house and checked on Muad’Dib. I didn’t have any messages about Stilgar, so I got showered and took the Pathfinder to visit Animal Control to see if they picked him up. In hindsight I guess I could have called again, but I was desperately hoping I’d get to bring him home. As soon as I got into the car, I saw how filthy it was from all of Eaddie’s junk in the passenger seat, center console, back seat, and trunk. There was crap everywhere, and the gas tank was empty to boot. I wasn’t even sure I’d make it to the shelter, so I turned around and went to Casey’s for some gas first. I redeemed a birthday donut and ate that in the parking lot, then made my way to the shelter.

The two ladies that were working said they hadn’t picked up anything like Stilgar, but immediately knew of him when I mentioned that Nancy had called 911 the day before. They said they had a couple people call about them killing cats, and that one of them, presumably the man, threatened to shoot them if they came around again. I think I knew it all along when Muad’Dib showed up by himself, but it really sank in when I got home and found the “final warning” door tag they had just left on our front door before I drove over.

I brought the leashes in from the car and had an absolute screaming fit before going outside to hold Muad’Dib. He hadn’t been eating, but he would take a few kibbles out of my hand if I offered them. We went out riding around to look for Stilgar, but didn’t hear a thing in the neighborhood. It was almost eerily quiet. We went all the way up Inglewood and visited the bank so I could pay Dad back for writing my sales tax check to the DMV. I realized I didn’t have my wallet once I got to the window, so we had to ride back home to get that, then made it back to the bank.

We waited longer the second time, but eventually got the cash and rode back to my parents’ house to give the money to Dad. That was when I realized they shorted me by 95 cents. We got back home and I got Muad’Dib situated in the backyard. Then I changed clothes and decided to take some returns to The UPS Store and then wash my car before going back to the bank for a third time.

The UPS Store visit was short and sweet since I took care of all the re-taping at home. The car wash was mostly out of soap, so it was a short wash. As I sprayed the side of my car, I noticed a fleck of white appear on the driver side rocker panel. Paint had actually flaked right off under relatively light pressure. I suspect they’ll try to deny it under warranty, but I feel like it’s worth pressing. Finally, I made it all the way back across town to get my missing 95 cents, and took Aaron for a ride in the new Model 3. I took him to our house since he had driven down Inglewood anyway. After I dropped him off, I went by the Neighborhood Market to get some hamburger meat to make tacos and clean up the veggies we still had at home.

I was unboxing Vine deliveries when Summer came home, and I was nearly shaking from the confrontation I knew we were about to have. Then she hit me with, “Why have you been ignoring me?” “I’ve been exhausted and in a tremendous amount of pain from riding 25 miles looking for my dog.” “You’ve been ignoring me all week.” I trembled as I yelled at her to leave me alone, and had another screaming fit in the laundry room after she slammed the back door going out to see our one remaining dog.

I eventually gathered myself enough to try and talk to her, but then after nearly eight years, she finally felt something strongly enough to yell at me. She was mad that “everything was her fault.” Ironically, that was precisely why I was mad as well. Of course she was wrong, but of course I wasn’t going to give her a list of all the stupid things she’s done on a daily basis to make my life more difficult at best, no matter how many times she asked me to name something. It was mutually assured destruction.

I had to clean myself up and went back outside to hold Muad’Dib, but knocked on the door to tell Summer she could come out too. She had calmed down and wanted to go to the gym, but I told her I had stuff to make burritos and that I hadn’t eaten anything all day. Then I asked her the question that’s been buzzing in my head for weeks: Did she book a hotel in Indianapolis with car charging?

“I don’t know.”

Eaddie got home just as Summer left for the gym, and we talked for a while as I cooked. We both ate, and then I had to go back to the store to get some Theraflu for my parents. Everyone was pretty much off to bed by the time I got home for the night, and I was up late stewing in my head for the next few hours.

Broke the Bank

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Stilgone

I didn’t get to bed until nearly four o’clock last night, and I awoke around 9:30 to a text from Dad that his neighbor Nancy had called 911 to alert animal control about the dogs again. Seconds later, Summer walked in and said she had been driving around looking for the past half hour looking for them before coming back to wake me. I immediately took off on the Onewheel while Summer went back out in the Tesla.

I had ridden about 14 miles when Mom called to say they were there, so I sped back to their house to find Summer and Dad with Muad’Dib. Stilgar was nowhere to be found, and Muad’Dib had blood on his front-left leg, and walked with a bit of a limp. I took him home slowly, calling for Stilgar along the way, but we never found him.

I had to take a break after that to charge the Onewheel, so I cooked a couple eggs to eat with the mushy rice that Summer made a couple weeks ago. Then I had to rush through a shower so we could make it to Tech for Eaddie’s send-off concert. It was just their two Indianapolis groups having a practice concert, and then we went straight back home so I could ride around some more while Summer went to the gym.

Muad’Dib and I went all over the neighborhood, and I let him go off-leash with the hopes that he would lead me somewhere. He behaved super well, but was slow, and I felt like he knew he was in trouble. Between that outing and then going out again after dark, we totaled nearly 24 miles but still could never find any sign of Stilgar.

The girls spent all night doing laundry after that. Summer got into her feelings at the gym, but I didn’t have the time or patience to deal with her. I did what I could to try and find Stilgar, and we’ll just have to hope I find him at Animal Control tomorrow, but I just couldn’t imagine only one of them getting picked up because they go everywhere together.

That’s a dome light.

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Chain Gang

Summer was worried about the dogs getting out, even after hammering all of her stakes into the ground, so she tried tying them up this morning. She didn’t talk to me about it first, so it wasn’t surprising at all to find that she had made nearly every mistake I could imagine. I’ve been beyond frustrated with her wasteful, poorly thought-out tactics. Stilgar immediately chewed through the brand new rope leash I made for them, and was loose in the yard. Dad had to go over and try to fix it, but by the time I got home, they were so wrapped up in the brush pile that they couldn’t move.

There was a wreck around the 430 interchange, so I was nearly an hour late to work. I wasn’t surprised to see some woman on the side of the road in full pajamas, top and bottom. Then I was left to sit and stew all day at work until lunch time when Summer was done with her meeting in Little Rock and wanted to go to Red Lobster with me. Just prior to that, I had to deal with a staff member who failed to see numerous red flags on a poorly designed phishing email, and proceeded to input her username and password into a Google Form.

The afternoon went by reasonably quickly after that. I Supercharged quite a bit since I knew Summer would be needing a lot of juice when she got home as well. I was still up late to swap cars, so I was glad I charged as much as I did.

I made it home just after her, and had to shoo her away from the dogs so I could actually see how badly they were tangled up and make the appropriate adjustments before she contaminated the crime scene. I ended up running my long steel cable from the deck to the tree like I had explained to her multiple times, and then found two shorter steel cables to attach them to the long runner. There’s still ample opportunity for them to get tied up, but I think less so than today. Besides, her cheap wooden stakes should have kept them in anyway, according to her thought process.

We had a door hanger from the animal shelter that basically called out the city leash law and said they were accused of “killing neighborhood cats.” We left it at that, hoping the new runner would fix the issue, and then went on a run. They behaved pretty well, but it was odd without their prong collars. The shock collar works great now that I have them mounted on the fronts of their necks. Dad buzzed us with the FPV drone while we were on Promenade, and we stopped to see him before making it home.

I had a bunch of stuff from Vine to catch up on, and Summer had been sitting in the dark watching TV since I started working on the dogs, so she was out of my way. I hurried, and went to bed as soon as I could switch chargers on the cars.

Fools Errands