Tag: disappointment

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Shame on Me

I managed to lock in this morning and had all screens going for maximum efficiency. Each answer led only to more questions, but that is often the case with so many hands in the cookie jar. I brought some leftover pizza and munched on that throughout the day, so I didn’t go to lunch. I just kept digging for our unknown domain controller, assuming that our problems were due to misconfigured DNS, and Kyle wasn’t able to articulate anything to help. I think I’m on top of something big, though.

The afternoon went by pretty slowly, but there were people through the office all day to keep things from getting too dull. Traffic home was horribly slow. Just after I got into town, a storm blew through and I could barely see ten feet ahead of me. Within my last mile I saw several large branches go down, and our driveway was flooding into the garage when I made it home. If I had realized how high the water was, I would have left the garage door closed and just run into the house by way of the equally flooded front walkway. At least the step up there would have been high enough to prevent water from coming into the house.

Summer was warming up leftover spaghetti while I ran around trying to direct the water from the driveway around the north side of the house. Eaddie and Eli tried to help just inside the door as I ran for things like the leaf blower, squeegee, and eventually a towel to keep from dripping all over the house. I don’t think there was any real water damage after that, and I got almost all of it out the door.

I ate with Summer while the kids studied in the living room, but she finished pretty quickly. As of last night we had plans to meet Shawna at Crystal Bridges on Sunday, but Summer said she backed out today because she has a new boyfriend with pictures to prove it. I wish that was more of a plot twist than any of us expected, but I just hope she finds what she needs.

Summer went for a bath while I spent some quiet time with Muad’Dib in the rain. I took care of some chores and then set up a new wireless microphone for Eaddie’s flute, which also involved testing out my old PA system. The kids played with that for a bit, then I cleaned up a bit in the kitchen before bed.

The sun doesn’t give light to the moon assuming the moon’s gonna owe it one.

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Unbreakable

I woke up just before my alarm this morning and made it to work pretty early. I really thought I had to get Jim’s imaging issue fixed, but he called me away to babysit a Google Meet interview in the boardroom. You would think with so many educated people in a room, they could figure out how to click the button to join a meeting. I wasn’t even that surprised to find it was the interviewee who couldn’t figure out how to show our video, but I could at least have the chief of staff pull the Meet up on his phone and prove that our video was broadcasting correctly.

After that, I decided to give Captain D’s a try since I was already on that side of town. The girl at the counter could not have been more disinterested, but somehow the food was really great. I stopped at Walmart for some drinks on the way back to the office, and finished out the day in relative quiet. I had also picked up some dog food on clearance, but was overcharged, so I stopped by Walmart again on my way out of town to correct that.

I got home and Summer and the kids were on the couch watching gymnastics. I went out to play with Muad’Dib for a bit. Eaddie left to go stay the night with her father, and Summer came outside to sit with me for a little bit. Things have been super volatile, which made it a terrible time to try and discuss any of our issues, so she yelled at me and stormed off. I gave her a minute before following her to the living room, and she yelled at me a bunch more. That was when I saw she had gotten a new tattoo that said “Unbreakable” on her left forearm, and it crushed me.

Once we had cooled off, she sent me to take Muad’Dib for a run. He did great, didn’t chase any geese, and got to play in the creek for a little while since I just needed to be in the air for a little while. We made it over to my parents’ house to visit with them, and he got some more leftover pork before we headed home. Mom had leftover bún thang, so I asked Summer to come have dinner with them. We used to go visit much more often, and it’s been a big issue for me that it seems like she never wants to make the time with my family. I explained this again, and was super happy that she agreed this time. It was a great visit and great food.

We talked a bunch more when we got home, and things shifted from good to bad and back again several times. I got some laundry done, and she got some sleep before her 5k in Dover tomorrow. I was ready to pass out at any moment, but had things to do.

You gotta give them to the land

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Wants and Needs

By all counts, it hasn’t been a bad day. I actually woke up fairly early with an intense pain in my left hip. I found Summer on the porch having a cup of coffee, seemingly unphased by her night of reckless abandon. I don’t recall our conversation specifically, but I found half a cup of coffee later in the evening and was told that I said something upsetting that prevented the completion of the cup.

We talked a lot, sporadically throughout the entire day. Things weren’t bad by any means, but we had a few difficult conversations. Nothing had really changed, but my goal was just to get us talking. We’ve been so focused on surviving the day to day that we haven’t made time for anything else.

Most of the day was kind of a blur, but we did make it to New China for lunch. After that, we went to the car wash so I could get rid of the bug splatter. As we left there, I thought we’d just let the car take us for a drive wherever it wanted, so I activate autopilot and ended up going south down Highway 331. Summer didn’t seem at all interested in the adventure, so I had the car take us home where we settled in for the afternoon. We eventually started to assemble a bookshelf I had gotten from Vine, but I ended up completing it alone.

As the sun went down, I knew I had to take Muad’Dib out for a run. We did our usual route and he didn’t bother spending much time in the creek. We visited with Dad, then continued home for the evening. I had texted Shawna just to check in, but didn’t get much of a response. I drank with Summer on the porch for a bit to enjoy the weather, then came in to settle down.

Eaddie came in and only saw us briefly to check in on how we were doing. She’s an incredible kid, with a better head on her shoulders than what I’ve got. I ended the night with some tipsy tea to calm the nerves, and everyone went to bed super early.

In your wake I stumble on, but the smoke is nothing that I haven’t seen.

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PGA Tour

After the intensity yesterday, I knew I’d have to medicate today to keep the shakes down. I was early, so I just let the car do its thing to get me to the office, and from there I was actually pretty focused. I continued working in SCCM to fix some issues with Jim’s laptop deployment, but was still delayed by the network latency. At this point it would be much faster to just go to the high school and test my task sequences there.

I offered to take Maggie out to lunch for her birthday, but she said she had plans to meet a friend. She ended up disappearing for much of the day, so it was just the two old men and me, sipping my sweet tea all day. I didn’t eat my banana, and I wasn’t hungry for lunch, so I just plowed right through. I tried to stay hydrated, but somehow the lid to my cup popped off and I spilled 32 ounces of ice water all over the floor right outside our office. All I could do was shrug. I broke my cup and lid in the process, and to add insult to injury, they don’t seem to keep a mop in the closet with the other cleaning supplies. I had to use a rag to wipe it all up after wringing it out repeatedly.

The afternoon dragged by slowly, but quitting time eventually rolled around. I was exhausted and a bit dazed, but the car was a champ again. Eaddie called and wanted to know if we were going to go to Nebo with her, Eli, and my dad to take some more senior photos, so that was our new plan. I got home and tried to lay on the couch with Summer for a bit since she had gotten home fairly early. We started talking, and that continued off and on all night long.

The kids got there, followed by my dad, and we loaded Muad’Dib into the Pathfinder to drive up the mountain. Summer had to use the restroom, so we found the bathhouse first, then took some pictures at the overlook there. We still had quite a bit of daylight left, so we went around to the waterfall and took some pictures there. Our last stop was sunset point to get a few more shots as the sun set behind the clouds. I spotted a lone lady sitting on a rock staring into the distance, so I made a point to walk down by her with a smile and wish her well. I shared with her that I had spent many evenings there alone, and hoped that she was doing okay.

We stopped one last time at an overlook on the way down the mountain, and then headed home. My chat with Summer had kind of gone back and forth all day, but really took a defeating turn on the drive home. The way she digs into me and refuses any help unless somebody is forcing her makes me worry that I’m doing more harm than good just by being around at this point.

I didn’t find out until later, but Summer robbed my liquor cabinet on the way to take a bath. I warmed up some spaghetti for Eaddie and sat in the kitchen with her for another really great talk about how she basically wished we would split up. Coming from either of the other kids might have been an insult, but I knew what she meant. She just wants us both to be happy, and has a logical enough mindset that she sees a path forward for all of us. She recognized the decline of our relationship, especially after moving in together, and identified the core differences in our values and priorities. She especially didn’t want us sticking together on account of her, and hated that we’ve both been so unhappy in spite of how Summer says she feels. We discussed sitting down as a family to share our feelings, which is something I’ve struggled to get Summer to do even one-on-one, but Eaddie has proven time and time again that she has insight that both of us could use. She really is the daughter I always wanted.

I started to wind down, but heard Summer whimpering in the bedroom. By the time I got there, she was absolutely hammered and sobbing into her pillow from finishing my bottle of cocoa cayenne Bird Dog. In nearly eight years, I had never really seen her cry, and I’d definitely never seen her that drunk before. We “fought” for over two hours, mostly about me trying to get her to drink some water. I needed her to be able to open up emotionally, but in a more constructive way. We both called in to work, and I guess we’ll see if we can actually have an adult conversation tomorrow, but I’m betting on at least one hangover eating into that productivity. She is such an incredible woman, and we both learned and grew from one another a great deal in our time. I would still be broken in a big way without her. I never expected this to come to a head in this way. I’ve tried so hard, but I just don’t know if we can truly be good for one another in this kind of relationship.

Older than the ocean. Older than the night sky, I am.

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Whiskey Business

I was absolutely riddled with anxiety all day long. MacLeod got me to work safely and I did my best to settle in. I’ve been really surprised at how quiet things have been, and I wondered when the techs actually got any work done since Jimmy and Gary have been spending nearly all day, every day at the office. I got into the script server to run a manual sync for a new sub, which prompted a call from Randy while he was out on bereavement. I had it handled, so all was well.

Time seemed completely irrelevant, and I continued to wring my hands and tap my feet because I think I knew what was coming. I skipped lunch and tried to focus on Mosyle until I had to stop and help Jim with an OS deployment on one of the new Acers he got for the high school.

The drive home was the worst, as tics slowly took over all motor control. Then, as if I had been building up to this moment all day long, Shawna texted and then called to set expectations. Selfishly involving her in our own troubles had caused more harm than the help I was meant to provide for her. It would have been different with any other person in the universe, but there was no way she had thought of me the way I had thought of her for all this time. I couldn’t help but to freefall.

By the time I got inside, I was shaking pretty violently. Summer was warming up leftover spaghetti for dinner, but found me shivering in the corner of the closet. I don’t know how long we talked from that point, but after an anxiety attack, I wasn’t in a position to interfere with anyone or anything else. I quickly found the Fireball to keep myself from making any surprise trips out of town, and sat down to eat with Summer.

After our expectedly awkward dinner, I took Muad’Dib out for a run. He was amazing even when we encountered other dogs, including a loose poodle around the basin. He took a quick dip in the creek, and then we went back up and through the roundabout before making our way to my parents’ house. Dad came out with some leftover pork loin for him, and then we made it home where Summer and I sat out on the porch together for a bit.

The evening wound down pretty quickly after that since I wasn’t fit to put much brain power into anything else. Eaddie got home late and came to visit me briefly, and I eventually found my way to bed.

But what if it had actually worked???

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Tempestas Fugit

I got up this morning and considered taking Muad’Dib out for a bath, but as soon as I started petting him, even more hair came right out of his coat. He’ll need to get further along in his shedding before we bring him in for any length of time. I had plans to be pretty productive for the day, but it just didn’t happen. Summer was up and we were able to have what I thought was a long, meaningful chat. Eaddie had to prepare for prom when she got up, so all I really did after that was eat some tacos and then wait around for her.

Eli’s mom came over in the afternoon to do Eaddie’s hair and makeup. As they finished up, we got some pictures and then went outside to wait for his dad and sister to come and take pictures outside. I took Muad’Dib up the street for a quick jaunt just to burn some energy, and he jumped into Eli’s opened driver-side door when we got back. He knows cars are for adventures now, and he’s not afraid to go for it. The kids did great, and even Muad’Dib sat still long enough for some photos before they left.

Summer and I chatted some more in the evening, and I eventually got outside to grill a couple of burgers for dinner. It was dark by then, so I took Muad’Dib out for a run and tried to catch up with Shawna for a bit. We stopped to see my parents and their new kitchen countertop, and then it was a fairly quick night to bed. The kids came home to change before going to the after-prom party, but neither of us could stay up as late as they would be.

So taxing.

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The Umpire Strikes Back

I had a belly ache for most of the day after eating two buffets yesterday. I got to work and everyone was already burned out for the week. I actually tried being a little productive at first, with a cup of black coffee to get things moving. Just as I finished that, Randy announced that he was going to Burns Park to watch some autistic kids play softball, and invited me along.

I welcomed the change of scenery, and we drove out to the park to check things out. Jim was out there helping. The sun was shining and the wind was blowing, which caused some of the sand to kick up into the air. It was still a beautiful day to be outside, and we watched as they finished up their activity day.

We were a little early to get to lunch, so Randy drove me around the whole park, which was pretty neat. Then we slowly made it across town to Brewski’s where we met Maggie, Kyle, Jay, Corey, and Hunter. I thought I’d get out cheap by splitting some wings with Maggie, but what she ordered ended up being well over $20. I should have just stuck to myself. I was still stuffed, but the wings were pretty good.

The afternoon was pretty dull back at the office. I walked out a few minutes early so I could get home to Muad’Dib. I really wanted to take him to the lake and then get him a bath so he could come inside. Summer was supposed to go, but was an hour late getting home, and said she was tired and in pain. Ben called me while I was outside with Muad’Dib, so we talked for a while. Then I ended up just taking him out for our normal run, and he did much better than yesterday. I think he just needed a day to recover. We stopped at the basin and I raked out a bunch of the hair he was losing.

My parents weren’t home, so we continued on toward home where we crossed paths with Tasha, her husband, and baby who were all out walking their tiny dog. I stopped to chat with her for a little while, then made it home for the night. Summer was laid out on the couch, so I sat down with her and tried to watch the Netflix Kill Tony episode, but it was pretty awful. Then I put on Resident Alien and got a few laughs. She was done after that. Eaddie was out pretty late with Eli, but I caught a glimpse as she made it home just before I went to bed.

So let us stop talkin’ falsely now.

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What Is

I got very little sleep last night, but made it to work at a “normally” late time. It was not a day for accomplishments. I went to McDonald’s with Randy for some breakfast and had a steak, egg, and cheese bagel. That got me through to a late lunch with him and Jim at Louisiana Famous Fried Chicken just up the road. They liked their food pretty well, but my jambalaya was poured over rice that simply wasn’t cooked.

I guess the afternoon went by pretty quickly. I charged a little extra last night so I wouldn’t have to stop on the way home now that my free Supercharging is expired. I took Muad’Dib out for a run and did two laps of our usual course while I took a phone call

Completely out of the blue, Shawna sent me a friend request over the weekend, so I entertained her message, fully expecting to be phished or scammed in some way. To my absolute surprise, it really was her, so we had been catching up since Sunday. I think in hindsight, that conversation went fairly predictably. Then, again by chance, I got a call from Johnny and I talked to him for a bit as we made our way to my parents’ house to see Dad, who had gone out for a flight with Julie since she earned her next step in her licensure.

We made it home for the night and I brushed him out. I desperately wanted to take him for a bath so he could stay inside for the night, but we dawdled too long and didn’t make it. I threw myself a pity party and reminisced as I gathered myself for bed.

What Should Never Be

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Hair Combs the Groom

I went to bed late and got up early so I could take Summer to her mammogram this morning. That went way faster than I expected, so we decided to get some breakfast before she went to work. I had to wait a little bit longer after taking my iron pill before we left, so we went home first and then drove separately across town to the new Hardee’s. It was a cute building with not enough parking and a tiny lobby for dining in. I was glad to see familiar faces behind the counter, since those old ladies did a pretty good job of running the old place. We saw a couple people from the school district while we were there, but didn’t really chat much with either.

After we ate, we had to squeeze out of the parking lot and Summer went to work while I went home to change so I could take the dog out for a run. We ran straight over to Ridgewood Brothers and I gave Robert the convex mirror I got from Vine. I didn’t really get much out of it in the garage since I remembered how I used to park without scraping the bottom of my car. It was a beautiful morning, so I decided we’d make the trek across town to see Summer at Superfast. She was super excited to see us, and then we headed back toward home, stopping to see my parents first. Mom gave Muad’Dib a couple Ritz crackers, which was a big turning point for her.

I didn’t have a ton of time to kill after that because Eaddie and I were going to take Muad’Dib to meet Summer at PetSmart for his grooming appointment. They disappeared him into the back, so we didn’t get to watch anything. We went to Walmart to do a little bit of shopping, then went back by to see if they had an ETA. Eaddie left at that point to meet some friends at Old Post, and they hadn’t even started on Muad’Dib yet, so Summer and I went to La Huerta to share some nachos as a bit of a snack.

As we finished up, I got a call from our groomer saying Muad’Dib started freaking out, so she had to stop after shampooing him. She didn’t even get to rinse him off at all, so I was worried about what we’d be bringing back home. We left the restaurant and went home to get a tarp, then traded cars with Eaddie at Old Post before we made it to PetSmart. They didn’t charge me at all, and Muad’Dib was pretty dry by then, but just looked extra fluffy. He didn’t feel gross or soapy, so the tarp wasn’t really necessary.

We took him home to take a break for a little while and let everyone calm down. Julie called and talked to me for a little while, and then we took Muad’Dib to the Liberty dog wash to finish the job ourselves. He didn’t like the wash, but he did reasonably well with both of us there. He did try to nip at me a little bit, but never to harm me, and he was always pretty gentle. Considering it only cost like $15 to do it ourselves, we may not even go back to have him groomed. It just took some extra time brushing him once we got home, and he looked and felt much better.

We let him inside for much longer after that. Eaddie eventually made it back home and we played with him in the living room for a bit. He spent some time exploring the house and sniffed everything. Then he got confused when I played back some video of him on the TV. I still didn’t want him staying inside unsupervised, so I put him out when everyone went to bed. I finally booked a room for the Cavalcade, but it looks like it’ll be mostly rainy. I don’t know if we’ll take Muad’Dib since Eaddie doesn’t want to go, but hopefully we’ll have enough time in the morning to figure everything out.

Booked!

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Double Quatro

I woke up super early this morning with a stomach ache, but I was able to get back to sleep for just a little bit longer. I didn’t sleep in too late though, and got up a little while before Summer. It was her birthday, so I made her some fresh ground coffee and gave her some gifts I had been holding back. After a little while, she went to the gym and I took a shower and ran the dog. We had a good run and swim in the creek, then circled by my parents’ house a couple times but nobody was home.

We thought we’d be going out for dinner with both of the girls, but when Eaddie wasn’t hungry when she finally got home from her overnight trip to Oklahoma City. Summer and I just went to New China by ourselves, and stuffed ourselves of some pretty mediocre food. Some of it was nice and fresh, but others were problematic. The rangoons tasted super stale like the wonton wrappers or oil were really old. Some of the other food was cold even though it looked hot and fresh on the bar.

Summer had an upset stomach herself when we got home, so I took Muad’Dib out for another run. We went straight to visit my parents that time, then he ran the rest of our route backwards until he was too tired to run and we just lollygagged back home for the night.

Ready, break!