Tag: anger management

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Hunker Down

I slept in just a very little bit today, but got up for a full day of work from home. It was mostly pretty dull with the usual amount of just different kinds of distractions. I have to watch out for eating when I’m just bored, but otherwise I actually feel like I eat healthier just because I’m not restricted to some artificial construct of time. The kids did their work, or at least pretended well enough for someone only barely paying attention. Noah left with some friends again. Summer left work early, and I went home to take care of a few things before coming back for dinner.

I got frustrated that we let my Colton’s birthday coupon expire after talking about going out for two weeks. Autumn made a pretty good chicken Alfredo dinner though, and I loaded up with a pretty good looking salad. The kids ate and then ran off to whatever electronics were distracting them in the moment. Summer went down with a headache, so I laid with her for a while, eventually watching a couple episodes of Master of None to wrap up the first season. Somehow we outlasted the kids, who were all off to bed before the show was over.

Two more weeks of home schooling, and we’ve just had our first tornado drill. This is fine. Everything is fine.

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Homemaker

Summer left for work again this morning, leaving me with a house full of kids. Autumn was the only one up before me, and she was in her room doing schoolwork. I started sauteing a roast to put into the crock pot for dinner, and around the time I really had my hands full, Eaddie got up and tried to ask for help on some of her work. I got frustrated with her when she didn’t want to put any work into learning how to do it, and I basically had to dictate an email to her teacher because she wouldn’t type it herself.

Noah eventually left with a friend, which finally killed the highly-inappropriate Hell’s Kitchen episodes that had been playing all morning. By the time I was ready to leave, Autumn had called Summer to see if she could stay with her grandparents for the evening. I guessed correctly that she just wasn’t happy with what we planned for dinner. I left to take Summer some coffee, then went home to clean up a bit. On the way back up, I stopped by the high school to get my work laptop as well as a couple test units since Ben approved me for some work from home.

Autumn didn’t even get close to finishing her chores before she left, so that’ll be trouble with Mom tomorrow. Noah got into a little trouble himself after leaving town and coming back super late. At least Eaddie and Summer really enjoyed the roast. I could tell I went a bit too heavy on the potatoes. The juice was great with some fresh sliced bread, and it may warm up well with the potatoes for later.

Eaddie joined Summer and me in bed for an episode of Glee before Summer had to crash for work. Then I tinkered on the computer until the kids went to bed.

I can’t tell if it’s coronavirus, or if it’s snot.

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Finding Value

I laid in bed for a couple hours but didn’t sleep a wink. The sound of thunderstorms echoed from my Google Home speakers just as the storm raged behind my eyelids; synapses firing constantly with every burning question and emotion. I could feel my eyes darting back and forth, jittering at lightning speed. Frustrated, I eventually just got up and played more Overwatch to try and occupy my mind. I figured there was no sense in burning cycles trying to understand a truth that wasn’t my own. The only thing I could possibly do was make assumptions, which would only serve to bounce around in my head forever, wasting even more time. I could never really know Summer’s truth, because she would say one thing and feel another.

Eventually I got out with the sun and went to retrieve those things – those bigger things that I had brought over for my family. Being financially-minded, I tried to provide nice things so that Summer could focus on paying down her debts instead. I never did get to actually witness that looming mountain of debt. I only heard stories, as though it was a fictional giant in some kind of fairytale. I just wanted to make sure my family had more than we needed. I thought that actually providing for the family was speaking louder than any words I could possibly muster, but Summer found no value at all in what I provided. If words were all she really wanted, then I accepted the trade and wrote letters to take the place of things I took back. It was over a couple grand worth of just stuff around the house, not to mention the thousands of more dollars invested in things for our family to do, like season passes to Magic Springs, a family set of bicycles, a kayak, a motorcycle, or my own family’s reservation for another hotel room on our planned trip to Eureka Springs in two weeks. Neither one of our houses could even contain it all, so it remained split.

Wanting to know the truth is what drove me mad in the past. I could never understand what motivated Sarah to treat me the way she did. I could only assume it was for her own benefit, either as emotional support, or some kind of backup plan in case something else went sideways. Summer never seemed particularly motivated. She expressed that she only wanted to do things to please me, constantly. She wanted to tell me nice things and do things for me, but she would never accept that I simply loved her the way she was. She projected how she wanted to be treated onto me, and could never see past that singular vision. Conversely, she seemingly wanted to change who I was from the start. Surely, she helped me regain some of what I had lost, but she would never accept me for who I was. She said that she did, but then acted differently, or got upset when I didn’t change enough for her liking.

In the end of it all, it certainly feels as though she was just looking for a reason to leave, or at least looking to see where else she could go. Fussing over who texted who first in the day felt petty. Saying she had to force herself not to text me first just to see if I would text her was passive-aggressive at best. Saying that by not giving holiday gifts I made her feel guilty was completely contrived after tabulating how much money I had spent on her and the kids over the course of our relationship. I always told her that if she didn’t want to be with me, she didn’t have to make an excuse. She could just not be. It wasn’t that I didn’t want her, but rather that I knew I couldn’t really make her feel any kind of way about me. We had to meet in the middle, and all this time I thought we had been.

Even before we dated, I told her that girls tend to jump from relationship to relationship with relative ease, and that guys tend to fall harder than girls. We both fell into stereotypes, and couldn’t communicate effectively enough to break that barrier. Communication is a two-way street though, and she refused any suggestions of counseling to work through her own grief from the past. I would have done anything to help us communicate better, but she outright refused at every single turn. In the end, I have to accept that there are things I can do, and things that I cannot.

I ended the day with a walk to Allen’s house where we did a lot of man-hugging. He gets a little too woman-hatey to be honest, but he’s always there for me as a pillar of support. I certainly did not rebound to some mystery woman that wanted to help me grow stronger, and after two days of spilling my guts, I kind of feel like I’m just screaming at a wall expecting it to budge.

Maybe the only way to move on is to just forget.

And maybe we’ll try sobriety again tomorrow.

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Dear Summer,

I envy that in all of your own troubles and pain and suffering, you managed to hold on to what I had lost so long ago in my own years-long wars. You seemed to earnestly believe that you could fall in love with prince charming and have everything fall into place so perfectly, and you fawned over me more than any person ever should. In that fantasy, you sometimes had trouble making things work in a practical sense, but your struggles appeared to be my strengths. For years upon years when all I wanted to do was die, focusing on practicality and making the day-to-day work was what kept me alive. Ultimately I felt like your emotional strength and devotion met with my practicality and wit, allowing us to grow stronger together, into a proper, functional family. What you felt was weakness in our differences, I perceived as strength in the breadth of our combined skillset.

It’s no secret that cynicism and sarcasm are my strongest and most prevalent defense mechanisms. I’m not so bad, after all, if everything else is awful too. I seldom speak those things as true and honest feelings, though I understand how someone could take them to heart. I doth joke too hard and too negatively, but it keeps me sane, I think. There are three truths to every situation: your truth, my truth, and the actual truth. Neither of us can ever truly know the truth apart from our own without some trust in the other, so I’m afraid I’ll never really understand the causality. Did my cynicism truly drive you away from me? Or were we never meant to last, and my darkened heart proved itself yet again in protecting me from further harm? After years of struggling with a very real addiction to Sarah and her emotional manipulation, I was left broken in so many ways. Not all of those wounds healed completely, and even if they did heal, you might not recognize them for all the calluses. I knew that I would never survive another trip through that level of darkness, and so in order to protect myself and my own family from what I understood as my own ultimate demise, I found strength where I could. I survived tonight because of how jaded my relationship with Sarah made me. And just like that, somehow I’ve credited that wretch for saving my life.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, unless you’re just left paralyzed, in which case everything pretty much just sucks. I would rather the end of our relationship be an inevitability, and credit my dark humor for saving me, than accept the thought that I drove you away with my own misgivings. I couldn’t let you into my heart quickly enough because I was terrified of exactly what happened tonight. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I wholly trusted a “completely innocent” interaction and later learned it to be the complete opposite. It’s literally my greatest fear in a relationship, and you knew this. Finding you having dinner at Umami with that guy brought me right back to ground zero, and I have to say I handled it like a goddamn champ. I didn’t want to revert back to that suspicious, jealous me that I had given up eight years ago, but there we were. Even if it was completely innocent to you, and you just needed a friend, it should absolutely NEVER have been some random guy you know through work that I’ve never even heard of. If it had been a male friend like Alex that you had known for years, I would have 1,000% understood. As it was, I knew that you had already made up your mind that I was old news, and it was obvious because that motherfucker ghosted you AS SOON AS HE SAW MY FACE. Even if you play naive again, he knew exactly what he was getting into, and for that, shame on him.

I never thought I’d be saying, “goodbye,” forever, but I think that is because I am an idiot. They told me actions speak louder than words, so I physically put myself into your home to make it our home, and my own house became a very strange place for me. Regardless of what idiocies came from my mouth, I continually tried to put myself where it really counted. It was hard and overwhelming a lot of the time, but I kept coming back because I thought it was worth the steep learning curve. Ultimately I guess you had bigger fish to fry. At least I was honest from the beginning when I asked if you were looking for Mr. Third-Time’s-a-Charm. I don’t need superficial symbols because I show my devotion with actual honesty, presence, and inclusion in family, and I expect my partner to respect me and mine well enough to verbally decline unwanted advances. It’s a pity you didn’t really want to be a part of mine, because they’re a pretty great family most of the time.

You can’t expect your boiled-over, emotional diatribes to function as productive adult conversations. I was very honest in that I knew I had a lot of growing to do. I knew it was going to be an uphill battle for me, and I thought that I had adequately expressed that to you as well. I suppose I could have done more to initiate the conversations, but who has the time when you’re busy parenting teenagers. Blame whatever you want, but at the end of the day you have to learn how to express what you’re feeling in some kind of meaningful way. You can’t outwardly express that everything is perfect and expect your partner to accept that with eager arms, then get upset over all of the combined little things. You literally went from “I would marry you tomorrow” to “dinner with schmuck” in a week’s time, and so for that reason, I’m out.

I just want someone to scratch my head for a while and tell me I’m not so irrevocably broken that I can’t maintain a real, adult relationship ever again.

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Mama Don’t Take My Photochrome

I made it out of the house a bit earlier today, so I decided to try Wendy’s Breakfast Baconator. It took me longer to get across town than I really expected, so I ended up getting to work late, but it was worth it. It didn’t look like much, and for something called a Baconator I would have expected the bacon flavor to stand out more than the spicy, squared sausage patty, but it was delicious. The seasoned potato wedges were just as much of a star in this breakfast trio, especially with how hot, fresh, and perfectly crispy they were. The Frosty-ccino was okay, but nothing special.

My morning was busy with a fair amount of running around. I had to go to the arena again for a little while, and along the way I ran into Ben and Jason in the cafeteria with River Valley Home Theater. They thought it was going to be a training issue, but there ended up being a component failure in the AV cabinet. Then on the way back inside from the cafeteria, Kayla made a comment about my glasses and I had to look up my order and confirm I had actually gotten the photochromic lenses. I’m just never out in the sun with them long enough for it to have much effect.

I was going to go to IHOP with Allen for lunch, but just as I was walking out, I got a call that one of the lunch lines had malfunctioned. I ran over there to take a look and ended up staying late, so I just skipped lunch and finished my Soylent from a couple days ago. I continued working on laptops all afternoon until it was time to go.

When I got home, I started a load of laundry and played a couple ranked matches of Overwatch. One of the games was really close, with three really close matches. The other two were absolutely garbage, and made me remember why I only play the arcade mode. Once my laundry was done, I headed up to Summer’s to make burritos, and we sat down and watched Hancock as Summer reeled in pain from her day-long headache.

The only thing spicier than Wendy’s breakfast sausage is their Twitter feed!

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Raked Across the Kohl’s

I kind of wanted to go to Conway today to spend my $40 Kohl’s Cash and to possibly watch Sonic the Hedgehog. It’s a pretty clever cycle they get you on, since you have to come back the following week to redeem any rewards money you earn. Summer had to go by the shop for a while and ended up getting to my house a couple hours later than I wanted to leave town, but we left anyway. I snacked quite a bit while I was waiting, so I managed to wait until dinner time to actually eat anything.

We spent quite a while looking through clearance racks at Kohl’s, and I finally got Summer to actually look through most of the racks instead of just looking for specific things and buying them at retail “sale” price. We had a pretty decent haul, and I almost perfectly calculated my next Kohl’s Cash reward. When we finished there, we went to Golden Corral to use my birthday BOGO coupon. I definitely made up for skipping breakfast and lunch, and then we went to Sam’s to wander around for a while before heading home.

As soon as we got home, Summer climbed into bed and the day was over for her. I got up and played some Overwatch until I was bored enough to go to sleep.

Hey, Biff. Get a load of this guy’s life preserver. Dork thinks he’s gonna drown!

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Love is a Space Battlefield

Today felt really cold for all the wind. We had a little bit of a meeting this morning, but no projects. I eventually made it to the high school to work on a few things, but made it back to the shop for lunch. Seven of us agreed on Brick Oven, where I ordered the prettiest, but most disappointing salad I’ve had in a while. I think the $10 price tag was what made it most disappointing, because there was absolutely nothing complicated about its ingredients. It was just a bunch of iceberg lettuce, disguised under a ton of ranch and sriracha. All the flavor really just came from the heat, and it didn’t feel nutritious at all. I might as well have just sucked on a bottle of sriracha.

After lunch, I went back to the high school and tinkered with things. I’m pretty sure the sound system in the crimson room had incorrect parts to route the computer sound to the overhead speakers, but I don’t know who originally set it up or what they had in mind. I did the best I could, but at the end of the day it still just won’t work because it doesn’t have the right parts.

I went home for a little while after work before heading across town. I had to stop stop by Amanda’s to take a package inside for her, then made my way to my parents’ house. I got to see the new lighting along 12th street, and man was it an utter shitshow. The lights were way too bright and glaring, and cast way too much light outward right at eye level. They’d be cool with flame bulbs I guess, but at their current brightness they might as well just bulldoze the school and build the casino right there in the middle of all that light.

I didn’t stay for any length of time since Summer had picked up a bucket of chicken strips for dinner. The kids ate, and then Summer and I picked at what they were made to leave us. Noah sat everyone down to watch Star Wars: A New Hope. I think the girls started to fall asleep about halfway through the movie, but after it was over I played some stuff on YouTube until we all shuffled off to bed.

It’s good to be curious about many things!

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No Phasing Them

We got up this morning and picked at some leftover breakfast from last week. I eventually made it home to clean up after the cat and hang out for a while. I played a bit of Overwatch and took a shower with my nice new bath towels. They’re almost too plush, but I assume that will wash down a bit. One of the hand towels frayed on one side, but I couldn’t find any way to contact the manufacturer. I guess I could contact J. C. Penney and pursue a refund that way, but that sounds horrible. I might as well just keep the stupid thing.

Summer made fajitas for dinner and had Nick’s son Zach over to hang out with the girls. I stopped by Casey’s on the way over to convert some old box tops into virtual credits, and the lady had to do it three times before she figured out what was going wrong. Eventually she seemed satisfied with her process and sent me on my way. Dinner was great, and we played some Phase 10 and Mario Kart until Zach went home and everyone went to bed.

Hey Google, play some music, here, in this house, where we are currently located.

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Let’s Talk About That

I didn’t get shipped off with anyone this morning, but I didn’t want to just go off to the high school for more of that. Oakland had a few new tickets, so I spent all morning taking care of those. I even got a little breakfast when the girls handed me a slice of pizza as I walked past the kitchen. A handful of the work orders I dealt with today were due to a print issue within Chrome, but I didn’t realize it until Gary mentioned other schools in the area talking about the same thing.

Zach, Gary, Heather, Ben, and I went to Ruby Tuesday for $5 salads and got one of the slower servers. We didn’t make it back in time, but nobody ever really cares anyway. When we got back, Ben let me run to Leonard’s to pick up a KeySmart because I was tired of wearing my keys and badge around my neck. I think after almost four years, I’m ready to graduate and get that jingly chain off of my chest. Then I went to the high school to finish up the day.

I didn’t get a whole lot done, but I did close out all the work orders I had done throughout the day. I stopped into the library for a little while, and Karen told me a story about how our superintendent had discovered a destroyed student laptop while he was out on a run. Evidently he thought enough to send a picture of the library barcode in to one of the principals, but didn’t mention that he didn’t actually pick it up. He left it there because he was in the middle of his run, and then it was gone by the time anyone drove out to pick it up. Classy.

I had forgotten to return the district card, so I ended up having to run back to the shop to return it. Ben was back in the shop working on a sign computer, so I brought up the fact that we are still bringing new hires in at step nine. I told him that really made me not want to work at the high school, and that I really only owed him a level of competence equal to our worst performing tech if he’s not going to re-evaluate us before moving on with these new hiring rules.

Just as I was leaving, I saw my order at J. C. Penney was ready for pickup, so I ran across town to get that. Kevin was at work at AT&T, so I stopped in to chat for a bit while I was in the area. Then I stopped by the shop, but Summer had already left to get the kids, so I went home for a little while before heading up to their house.

They were watching TV, so I ate some leftover pizza before we started watching Glee. Then Eaddie came out talking about having some horrible grades due to missing homework. Evidently teachers just let you turn in assignments whenever you want these days, and there are no repercussions. That’s not how I roll though, and Summer tasked her with finishing up all of her assignments over the next day.

Unable to continue in the living room, we retired to the bedroom to chat for a while. Then I forced one more episode of Glee before having Summer set up her new Nest Mini, and then we crashed.

You can’t expect them to pay you for what you’re worth, so you have to give them what they paid for.

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Meeting the New Doctor

I had to go in for my 6-month checkup today, and my old nurse Stephanie had left some time ago. They actually scheduled me with Doctor Carter, whom I’d never once met. I got to sleep in a little, then went straight to the clinic where they got me back behind the door in record time. I still had to wait a while for the doctor to see me, and once he got there he basically went on a 20-minute rant about how I can’t eat starchy, fried foods. Both times in my life that I’ve had to meet a new primary care physician, that’s all I get. This time was probably the worst with assumptions about the kind of diet I have. Just tell me to exercise and move on with it.

When I finished up with that mandatory meeting, I went to Superfast for an oil change and to convince Summer to go to lunch with me before I had to go to work. I wasn’t sure if it was because I had left my car idling in line for a while, but after the oil change I had to get a jump start to get moving again. We stowed my car in the back bay for a charge, then took hers to Denny’s for a couple free Beyond Burgers.

Steven and his coworker were there for lunch as well, and they seemed to be having a better time. Summer seemed genuinely surprised that our service was horrible, but I’ve only very rarely had a good experience there. The food is always fine, but it’s always incredibly slow. It took us half an hour to get our drinks, and mine wasn’t even what I ordered. Our waitress actually brought them out with our food, so we just scarfed everything down at once. The burger was decent, but they were definitely disguising it with a fancy bun. The bun was great, but it was about three times the size of the burger patty. The patty itself tasted okay, but was a bit too tender.

With lunch out of the way, we headed back to the shop so I could go to work. Alex evidently tightened my battery terminal, so I didn’t have any trouble the rest of the day. I went by a nearly empty shop for a little while, then went to the high school and spent a good hour walking back and forth, getting in my steps, to work on the sign. I still couldn’t get the radio to talk, so I gave up again. The rest of the afternoon went by super fast as I did mostly things for which I did not have a proper work order.

After work, I went home to change and then ran by Superfast again for a tire rotation. Then I went to AutoZone to have them check my battery. I thought Alex had just adjusted the charger earlier in the day, but Summer said he actually moved the connector down the terminal, so the tester at AutoZone read my battery as low, but healthy.

By the time I finished there, Summer was on her way home with the girls. I stopped by Dollar General to kill a little time and ended up buying a rake. I joked with the cashier that this is why I’m normally not allowed out of the house. Then we had huge salads for dinner and watched The Matrix Revolutions.

Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Vagaries of perception. The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose.