Tag: anxiety

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Lessons Fought

Eaddie called me a little after midnight, which of course startled us both. I tried to answer, but then she walked around the corner toward the bedroom and said she needed help. Summer jumped up too, but I dressed and followed her outside to investigate. Eli was sitting in the Pathfinder in the driveway right behind my car, and had gotten stuck on the ice slope.

We couldn’t even walk on the ice because it was so slick, so I got a couple containers for the kids to shuttle water back and forth. Eaddie was minimally helpful, and sassed me any time I told her to do anything. Summer eventually came out with my axe and started whaling on the ice to break it up. After a couple hours, we finally got free and climbed out of the driveway. I mentioned Eaddie’s attitude to Summer, and she decided to address it right away before the kids left. Of course Eaddie started crying in frustration, which broke Summer down. I meant for it to be discussed later, but apparently Eaddie had previously expressed wanting to be called out on the spot. They left and Summer and I struggled to go back to sleep.

As tired as I was in the morning, we made it to work for a long day. Rhonda said Muad’Dib had peed on Teddy’s bed in their office, which surprised me since he’s usually right around me. I tried to stay focused, but had a pretty bad anxiety attack in the morning. We got mozzarella sticks from Sonic, then a box from Taco Bell since it actually felt reasonably nice outside. Some old jackass parked crooked next to me, but luckily I could Summon my car out of the spot and load Muad’Dib back in when we left.

The afternoon dragged on a bit, and then we headed home. Janice gave me some money for gift cards from Old South and Brown’s, but the latter would be closed until the next day. The girls were at the house when we got there, but things seemed quiet. Summer bathed and I left to pick up some food. Eaddie denied hunger, but I knew she would eat, so I picked up a bunch of wings from Buffalo Wild Wings, and then a plate from Panda Express. Buffalo Wild Wings was terribly slow, and the boneless wings were terribly small, and of course Panda Express had boxed up my order half an hour before I finally got there.

We all sat down to eat, which was nice, but then Summer quietly summoned me to the bedroom for a talk. I think we both knew Eaddie was really upset that Summer had reversed her decision to get out by the end of the week, but I guess they talked about it and it had them both very bothered. I went to talk to Eaddie about it myself, and I felt like we had a pretty good conversation. Of course I won’t know how she really feels, but hopefully she and Summer can revisit later, and I’m sure we’ll be fine if we can all agree to focus our energy in a positive way.

Eaddie left to practice at Witherspoon, and I rushed to bed without much of a catch-up session with Summer. The less energy we have to spend on catching up for things like this, the better.

Beat the keys out of it.

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All or Nothing

Friday was good until it got bad enough to become good again. I stayed pretty busy at work, but struggled in the afternoon as the girls went looking for houses. I stopped by PetSmart when we got back to town, because I needed something to interrupt how I was feeling, and I got Muad’Dib a bunch of treats. Mark needed some computer help as well, so I stopped to see him for a bit too. When I got home, I managed to sit down and talk with Summer for a long while, and eventually we were able to agree that they would slow down long enough to breathe and catch back up from all the recent heaviness. We’ll give it three months without any more of that added stress, and focus on some therapy and heavy communication to see if we can maintain some momentum with our positive change. Eaddie came around and I took them to Waffle House for a late dinner, and we had a good time.

Eaddie was gone all Saturday, so I took Summer to Cracker Barrel for breakfast. They were depressingly slow compared to Old South, and after eating our food, we figured out why. We went back to PetSmart to use another coupon for some food, and then briefly stepped into T.J. Maxx before making it back to the house. We cleaned up a bit and stayed busy most of the afternoon until we decided to go to New China for dinner. I wanted to stop to see my parents on the way back, and Summer nervously went along. Mom had a surprising amount to say, and Summer came home upset for a while, but we talked a little more before bed and then woke up with clearer thoughts.

Summer got some Spam and I made breakfast sandwiches for the three of us. Eaddie left and Summer went to the gym, and I cleaned up the kitchen. Later on, we walked to Walgreens with Muad’Dib to try and get Summer’s prescription, but they were closed. I eventually warmed up some spaghetti for dinner, and at some point the day before we had started watching Wonderman, so we continued that in the evening until bed.

Document the process and build a roadmap to success.

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CTRL-Z

I had trouble staying warm today. I got up with Summer as she left for work, and tried my best to focus on just about anything. I ended up taking a long bath to regulate my temperature.

Summer had to stay over three hours late because of call-ins, so I ordered some Domino’s to take to them. I made Eaddie come with me so we could try and get her car from Maristella’s. We got the pizza and went to the wash where there were actually only two of them working. Eaddie and I ate a little bit, though she had just eaten a grilled cheese and tomato soup. Muad’Dib enjoyed getting out and continually whined the entire time he was in the car.

When we left the wash, we went to Walmart to pick up some groceries. Eaddie split off from me to find something for her cross stitching, but couldn’t find what she needed. I just got what I needed for a split pea soup. We slid by Maristella’s on the way back, but they weren’t home, so Eaddie couldn’t get her keys.

When we got back to the house, Nick was outside trying to shovel their driveway. I offered my newly-unboxed snow thrower, which made quick work of their driveway. Muad’Dib enjoyed running around for a bit before we went inside.

I spent the rest of the evening documenting monthly expenditures to present to Summer, since she seemed to feel as though she was being cheated in the way we split our bills. In the end, things worked out even closer than I expected. She got home and bathed, and then I gave her a recap before she went to sleep.

Most of our biggest disappointments with other people come from our expectation that they will handle situations with our mindset, heart, and values.

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Wear

Summer got up to go to work this morning so they could start cleaning up the properties. I was worried she would get stuck in the driveway, but she actually got out just fine. I tried to get things warmed up a little bit in the house, and then started working from home. Eaddie was up and wanted tuna for brunch, so I made a whopping three cans of that for pitas. I eventually got cleaned up, and I thought Summer was going to pick up some groceries so I could make a split pea soup, but that didn’t happen.

By the time she got home, Summer just wanted to bathe and watch TV. I made some rice to go with the leftover chicken and vegetables, and warmed up the spaghetti for the girls. They watched Storm Chasers for a bit, and then I followed Summer to the bedroom where she watched Jungle Cruise. Afterward I tried talking with her some more, but she just started getting really negative again, and I couldn’t break her out of it.

I went to my office for a while to wrap up the evening, and had an anxiety attack just as I was getting ready to go to bed.

because an echo is always followed by silence.

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Fire and Ice

It was a little harder to get up this morning, and I just wanted to stay in bed a little longer. Summer took Muad’Dib out into the snow again, and I made some breakfast for us, which ended up being our only meal for the day. I fried some potatoes, shallots, and garlic with any spices that spoke to me from the cabinet. I fried the eggs before I remembered there was bacon, so that was a little late. everything was really good though.

Summer sat cross stitching again for nearly the entire day. I had trouble keeping a roaring fire going for her, and bounced around trying to clean up some more. I had an anxiety attack sometime in the afternoon, but otherwise I just tried to keep things a little lighter than they have been.

Eaddie never came home again, so Summer didn’t make her tomato soup. I went outside and tried to use my show thrower, but the ice was a bit too hard for it to work super well. It wasn’t bad, but I also wasn’t dressed for the work.

We ended the evening with a big bowl of popcorn and Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 3. Things seemed better by the end of it, but all I can do is continue to put in the work to clean up what we have.

Fire Poker

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And the North Wind Blew South

I didn’t sleep well last night, as expected. I woke up a few hours early and barely dozed. We left the house a little bit late because I took some extra time to talk to Summer as we were leaving. I talked to Joel when we got to work, and he seemed kind and understanding about my situation. I felt good most of the day though, and stayed really productive with a few different projects.

We picked up Sonic for lunch and then drove around looking for a place to hide while we ate. I ended up just getting into the Harp’s parking lot in case I wanted to go in for anything after I ate. The Smasher and onion rings were really good though.

I considered getting some more food on the way back just because of how cold it would be, but we finally just went back to work. The afternoon was more productivity, but then my mood crashed on the way home. We went by the Tampa house to check that the cabinets and closets were open for warmth to get to the outside walls where pipes ran. Then we came back up to the wash to finish up closing with Summer.

I felt a bit better after that, and we picked up Wingstop on the way back to the house. It took them a while, and they didn’t call my name out the window like they said they would, but we made it back without incident. Summer was bathed and in front of the TV when we got there, so I took the food to the living room and watched TV with her.

We had a fairly good evening as I laid by her side while she cross-stitched. Eaddie came home with a new phone she got from her flute professor, and I had a bit of an inner meltdown as they discussed Eaddie’s band trip next month.

I eventually regained a little bit of focus and tried to clean up a little more. Then I returned to the couch with Summer for a bit, and got to relax a while before bed. There was no precipitation yet, but doom had been assured.

Put in the time.

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The Beginning of the End

I woke up surprisingly sober and full of positive energy after a painfully unrested night. I tried to rub some of that positivity off on Summer, but she hardly said a word to me until our kiss goodbye. We got to work and I felt pretty good all morning. I sat down with Teisha and talked to her for a long time about our history and what was going on. She was as supportive as possible, and then we went upstairs to as much productivity as we could muster.

Grant met me at Ortega’s for the all-you-can-eat lunch, and he was super hyped as always. I hate that we’re bonding over trauma, but he’s been an incredible pillar of support. We ate, and then I gave him a super quick walk-through of our office before he headed back to the restaurant.

The afternoon dragged on much more after Summer ignored my messages all day. I was spent by the end of it, and we walked out a few minutes early just to get to the house and try to keep the momentum up. It looked like Summer was still out looking for places to live, but they both showed up at the house right after we got there.

I got them to sit down with me in the living room to discuss the urgency of the whole situation. Summer is just over it, and is ready to explore solo life to find out who she is without anyone else there, and she wants no safety net. Eaddie repeated her concern that we’re just incompatible, and feels like we’d be better off apart. There’s still a lot of love, but too much negativity to continue moving forward, and they want a fresh start. They did agree to slow their hastiness so we could go over financials and find them a nice place to live so they don’t just settle out of a desire to leave.

I continued cleaning the kitchen, but it was a struggle after that. I’ve just never been big on waste. I did some laundry and cleaned the guest room so I could sleep there. It looks like I have nowhere to go, so the hunt begins.

Always at the whim.

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Apart

I left work when I saw Summer was home early. We got back to town just as she and Eaddie were leaving the house, but they pulled over at Kroger so I could talk to them.

I ended up at Ridgewood to see if Grant was there. I knew he was safe. I called, and he wasn’t there, but he came in from home and just hugged me. We came back to the house and talked for a long time. I realized I forgot my eyeglasses there, so he called someone to have them put them in the office for me.

The girls got home and I talked to Summer briefly. Grant left to have his family time, and I went with Summer to her vein appointment. Then we went to Bona Dea to walk with Muad’dib. Then we went to the house to get a coupon to go to Colton’s for a late lunch.

Neither of us ate much of our food. We boxed up the rest and came back to the house where she bathed for a while and I moved things out of the kitchen. We eventually talked for a bit, but it was for nothing.

Now we unravel the knot with haste and move along.

Decades.

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Shop Chop

I really wanted to stop for breakfast this morning, but we got out late after I couldn’t find Muad’Dib’s collar. I later learned that Eaddie took it off of him in the night because he kept shaking with it on, and I guess it bothered her. We squeezed in and I got right to work on email signatures. I spent a lot of time formatting and organizing staff photos, but CodeTwo made it as easy as possible. I didn’t love working in Affinity for photo editing, but I’m sure it’d be great with some experience.

When lunch time came around, I queued up a few places depending on the weather. It ended up being pretty cold and windy, so we went to Wendy’s for a burger that was twice the price for something easily twice as good. I had an anxiety attack right in the middle of it, but it came and went without too much of a daze afterward.

The afternoon was more of the same, to the point that my mouse hand ached from all the repetition. I finally sent an email to the sales folks with instructions on how to remove their own device-set signatures, and then got everyone that was still in the office fixed up before I left.

When we got to the house, the kids were in the living room while Summer was having a bath. I took Muad’Dib for a walk, and he seems to know that we always go straight to my parents’ house when I’m on foot. Mom was in the middle of making bánh u̕ớt, so we stayed for dinner before walking back to the house. He took me down Ridgewood this time, and then we laid down with Summer as she fell asleep to WandaVision.

I still had to enable my work email signatures, and Jon apparently didn’t like the photo that was in the favorites folder, so I had to edit that as well. It didn’t take too long, and then I went to bed early.

Affinity for carpal tunnel.

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Signed, Sealed, Delivered

We had a staff meeting this morning and somebody had mentioned Muad’Dib last time, so I thought I’d give him a shot at hanging out today. He did not like the golden bust statue of Bruce, and barked at it a few times before everyone settled into the meeting room. I had to hang onto his collar for a while because he kept wanting to wander and see everyone, but he eventually settled down a bit. Evidently we had a pretty serious injury in the plant, but they said he’d probably be back in a couple of days. Then Shane pressed me about the email signatures, so I knew I had to focus on that today. I didn’t feel great about the little I had to share for my part, but after the meeting I got to work.

I knew there were some caveats about inserting the signature in the mail flow rules, so I investigated a trial for CodeTwo. They had some extra features, and Shane didn’t even blink when I said it was like $1.50 per user, so I spent most of my time cleaning up the directory and cropping portraits. Time got away from me a little bit and we went to lunch late. I had my one perfect round of items at Ortega’s and then headed back to work.

The afternoon got away from me as well, but by the end of it I had a working demo for a signature. I’ll have the sales team done tomorrow. We walked out a couple minutes late and made it home where Summer was cleaning up after her second procedure this afternoon. I guess someone told her she didn’t have to keep her leg wrapped this time, so she took both of them off without a second thought. She didn’t even like the compression leggings I had gotten her, so she was just hanging out.

Muad’Dib and I went on an acoustic walk in the dark, visited my parents, and then I let him lead me back to the house. We didn’t do all of our normal route, but we got quite a bit done. I cleaned up a little and then laid down on the couch to watch some YouTube with Summer before bed.

A different kind of reimage.