Tag: anxiety

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Re-Store

I struggled to get rolling this morning, but I had one big task I wanted to complete, which was getting blood drawn for my upcoming appointment. I had some leftover hibachi stuff I had made on the grill, then got cleaned up for a trip out. Eaddie was trapped cleaning her room all day, so I took Muad’Dib and went to the hospital.

As luck would have it, the Genesis Cancer and Blood Institute was closed today. It didn’t even cross my mind to check their hours, but evidently they’re only there Tuesday through Thursday. We left there and ended up going to Summer’s storage unit on a whim just to see what she had moved.

After a few frustrating minutes of finding my way into the facility, locating the building, and then locating the storage unit, I was in. She had rented a fairly large space and piled up a few boxes of my stuff in the corner. It seemed to take her multiple trips in her Model Y, so I was worried at first, but I was able to fit all of it in my Model 3 even with the dog in the back seat. We headed home and I told her to cancel the rental.

I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening going through my stuff, reorganizing and familiarizing myself with where things were. Being highly dependent upon spatial awareness, having my shit moved is incredibly jarring. I managed to figure out most of it, and separated a few things to sell in the process. At one point I started digging through the dog’s locker and had a pretty quick anxiety attack.

Eaddie left for the gym and Summer got home late after closing the lube. It started thunderstorming just as I had decided to take Muad’Dib out for an acoustic walk, so we were stuck inside. He hadn’t had a good run in a week, so he took a long bathroom break out in the rain, and I decided to give him a good bath. He did fairly well, but then got distracted when the kids got home and ate a bunch of leftovers.

Summer has a run sometime tomorrow, but with the storm rolling through, it’s anyone’s guess what actually happens.

What a Shock. Top dinner.

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wasted space

I slept hard with hard dreams. Summer went to work in Conway after cancelling her oncology appointment. Eaddie left to meet with her advisor and make her class schedule. I managed to get out of bed and make a bologna sandwich to eat over the sink.

It was quiet all day, so I finished my new hire paperwork and then did my best to motivate myself to clean. The kids eventually came back, and Eaddie started some laundry while they watched TV. I climbed around and scrubbed some difficult spots in the shower. Summer had a relatively short day, so we planned to meet at Cici’s for an early dinner.

The kids and I met her there after she finished at the gym. While we were eating, I spotted Josh as he came in to meet his wife and kids. We had a laugh about him still not having his house finished. Then Eaddie rode home with Summer, and Eli and I took the fast car home.

I tried to take Muad’Dib out for a run later in the evening, but the Onewheel appeared dead. I couldn’t get any lights out of it. We came back in and I had a pretty heavy anxiety attack while vacuuming his fur. It was a short night after that.

☀️—————————🌎󠀠󠀠————————🌘————————-☄️

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Big, Bad Waffle

I hardly got any sleep again last night because I stayed up too late writing reviews, and then when I finally laid down in bed, my mind was racing. I eventually passed out and woke up to a bright orange sun peeking over the horizon beyond the lake. I didn’t take much time to enjoy that before taking a shower so I could meet the guys for breakfast.

I met Randy, Kyle, and Jim at Phil’s Family Restaurant across town, and it was a cute little restaurant in an old house. I ordered their waffle special, and it was a ton of food. The waffle was awful though, and had a rubbery pancake texture like it was just pressed into a waffle maker after it had already been cooked as a pancake. It wasn’t crispy on the outside at all, and they charged me an additional $1.29 for a tiny cup of peanut butter. The servings on the eggs and hashbrowns were enormous though. It said it came with two eggs, but there had to be at least four scrambled on my plate.

I think Randy was the only one that had anything scheduled today. I was pretty sure I told Maggie I wanted another class in the afternoon, but I didn’t get anything. Jim disappeared, and I don’t know if Randy took Kyle to sneak into another class, but I ended up heading back to my room by myself, but I stopped at Proglide Car Wash first because I was long overdue.

I ended up signing up for an unlimited plan because they had a $10 special for their best wash. When I got around to the entry, I saw that they had a guide that I was worried about hitting, so I stopped and talked to one of the employees. He insisted they had never had any trouble with Teslas, so I took the chance. I wasn’t super excited when the two of them then got some soapy sponges out to try and scrub off the worst parts. I’ve had bug guts with grit in them, and I didn’t want them to scratch my paint. I let it happen though, and made it through the wash without incident. I stopped to vacuum my car, checked the rims and paint, and then went back around for a second wash to get some more of the bird poop that it couldn’t remove the first time. The guy cleaned it off by hand, and then I finally made it back to the hotel.

I worked all day on Vine reviews to try and get my ratio up, and I’m still showing only 80% reviewed for some reason. I can’t seem to figure out how they’re calculating their number. Beverly Hills Cop II was on, so I watched most of that, followed by some of Beverly Hills Cop. That seemed counterintuitive, but what do I know? A storm started to roll in, and I watched part of the new RoboCop remake. Eventually I met Randy and Kyle downstairs and took them downtown to meet Todd at The Rooftop Bar for the ProMAS social.

The food and drinks, and the outdoor restaurant atmosphere was more my speed, even if our server appeared to be the only one serving the entire restaurant, but the guys wanted to move on to the Howard social across town. We went straight to H2O HAWG, the usual biker bar that Woody rents out. We were followed by Sam, the Jessieville coordinator that we had met at the previous place, and we chatted among a small crowd. Kyle, Sam, and I played some darts, and I won a Yeti mug in a drawing at the end of the night.

We got back to the hotel and it was a slow wind down for me. I tried to crunch some more numbers, but I could just never make it work out. Hopefully it all comes together in a couple of days though.

Wing and a Prayer

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Welcome to My Level

Summer had to check Eaddie in to band camp this morning, and then went to the gym. I worked on more Vine reviews and then took a shower. I talked to Dad about what he might want to do for Father’s Day, and he ultimately landed on pizza. Julie and Kevin were out of town, so it would just be Summer and me to come over.

We thought we might walk, but it started to rain and we decided to take him in the car anyway. It was a pretty short visit. We ate and then went back home so I could continue cleaning up and working on reviews before my conference week. I tried to wait until it got a little cooler and then took Muad’Dib out for a run. I thought we’d go by the Neighborhood Market to drop off some recycling that had been sitting in the laundry room. We generate so many plastic bags, but I don’t even remember the last time I went to Walmart to be able to recycle them.

On the ride down, I had a pretty wild anxiety attack. I was riding down the hill and then became super disoriented. I remember seeing the street sign and then just used muscle memory to guide me on down the road. I shook it off and we made it to the store without any more trouble. It didn’t take long to drop off the bags, though I wish they would put their bin back by the front door so I wouldn’t have to keep walking it in to the service desk.

We rode back to our normal path, but avoided the flooded basin. We visited my parents again, and I dipped my feet in the pool while I tried washing some of the dirt off of Muad’Dib’s paws. We got home and I took him to the bathtub just to scrub his feet, and he didn’t protest too much. It seemed like Summer started to feel the stress I’d been feeling for the past several months, so we talked very briefly and then just sat together for a bit before I continued cleaning.

I got a load of laundry done and packed way too late, so I got to bed about two hours later than I wanted. I’ll let the adrenaline of Highway 7 wake me up in the morning.

But you turned into a pretty big waste of my time.

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Just Quit Already

Last night was the first night I slept in my own bed since we bought the house. I just needed some time and space to ground myself. I made it to work and looked at my new-hire stuff for Bitec, then talked to Randy about it. He was immediately supportive, and we chatted for a bit before I went back to my desk to draft let Gemini draft a resignation letter.

It was pretty quiet after that. I spent more time working on my paperwork than anything for actual work. By lunch time, it had started to rain pretty heavily. Randy drove Jay and me to BJ’s where we met Kyle and Jim for some white people food. It stopped raining by the time we left, but we were already pretty soaked.

After lunch, I told Maggie about my job offer, and after some quick math, we determined that today was essentially my last real day at work. I have a conference in Hot Springs all next week, followed by a couple sick days for Summer’s oncology appointment, and finally two vacation days. I’ll only have one day left after that, so I might as well take a sick day. I spent the rest of the day packing up my things so I could take them home.

The afternoon actually went by pretty slowly, as the rain started again. Summer said she was making dinner, and Maristella was there with Eaddie. Traffic was super bad through Conway, but I eventually made it home. She made pork chops, green beans, and mashed potatoes that were all pretty good.

After dinner, I took Muad’Dib for a run to try and avoid any more rain. We went around the basin trail because I was afraid it might have flooded, and on the way out of that area we saw my parents drive by. We tried to follow them, assuming they were going to the Neighborhood Market, but they weren’t. We sat at a bench there, realized they were already back home, and headed back across town to find them.

After a quick dip in the creek, we visited my parents. Then we made it home where Summer and I had a chat outside on the porch. Neither of us have a clue how to make any of this right, and both of us are miserable. It was actually a bit of a relief that she admitted it herself. I don’t know whether any of it can be made better, but all I really hope is to find some common ground where we can stop resenting each other all of the time.

Of course the evening after that wouldn’t have been complete without its own unique set of frustrations. I’ve been at the point, for a while, where I truly don’t know what the preferred outcome would be. Timing is everything, and that fucking sucks.

I wrapped it all up by giving Muad’Dib a bath, since he had taken a dip in the creek on our run. I had an anxiety attack in the middle of it, but that’s just life now. He hated the bath, but then he loved being vacuumed, and the bow on top was wrestling with me and Eaddie before bed.

kys

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Pack Rat

I heard something making a racket in the kitchen this morning, and after sneaking around a bit, I discovered a small rat in the dog food bag. After that many failed attempts to get out, I thought I might be able to grab the bag and move it outside, but of course as soon as I approached, it was able to leap out without a care in the world. It scurried under the kitchen table, so it might as well be gone forever. I set a live trap with all of my remaining hopes and dreams, and a bit of peanut butter, and got ready for work.

I was running a bit late, but Maggie and the two old men were the only ones there. Nobody asked anything of me, so I quietly stared at FortiAuthenticator documentation for the entire day. I had an anxiety attack at some point, but otherwise it was uneventful. We’re officially on four ten-hour days, but that actually worked out to about nine and a half. I left briefly for some McDonald’s since nobody else wanted to do lunch.

While I was at work, I saw Summer shuttling back and forth between the house and Added Space Storage. I guess she figured that was an easy midway point between both houses. I couldn’t tell what she was moving, because none of the large, obvious things were moved out of the house. She didn’t respond to my text, so I made it home for the surprise.

The laundry room had been cleared out, which seemed like an unimportant space to me. I changed clothes and started to take Muad’Dib out for a run, but Summer asked me to sit with her. I sat in the floor and pet the dog while she finished her episode of Grey’s Anatomy. Then we left for our run. I wasn’t particularly hungry, but I needed something different, so we rode to Ridgewood Brothers to see what they had cooking.

Wouldn’t you know it was burger day, so I had another hamburger. I’m sure that it was better than my Double Quarter Pounder Delux, but I was buzzing too hard to really tell. They gave me some scrap pulled pork for Muad’Dib too, so he climbed up to sit at the picnic table with me and we had dinner together.

After dinner, we stopped in to see my parents. Dad had come over to help Summer find the dead rat in the house, which was different than the live rat I found in the morning. Summer had candles burning to cover up the smell, but I hadn’t smelled it when I left in the morning anyway. I’m sure it was a nasty discovery though.

We made it home and I took out the recycling and trash before wrapping up for the night.

I’ve got doodles I’d undo.

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Long Weigh Down

Summer would have to work all afternoon and close the wash, so I thought I’d get up and lay with her on the couch for a bit before she left. Then she said something about the flies in the house, and I mentioned them leaving the food out on the counter the other night, and that spawned a whole ordeal. She got up in a huff and cleaned the kitchen, then went outside to mow the lawn, and then left to go to the gym before work. I managed to stop her for a moment on her way out, but it just wasn’t a good conversation.

Eaddie left for church and I went through a few things to clean up a little bit. Dad was grilling pork chops for noodles though, so I had to get showered and left early for that so I could visit with Julie and Kevin while they were there.

Muad’Dib ran with me while I rode the Onewheel around the block, and we hung out while Dad grilled ribs, shrimp, and pork chops. Then Julie and Kevin showed up and we eventually all sat down to eat. I quietly had a short anxiety attack at one point, but it passed pretty quickly. As the evening went on, I quietly let Muad’Dib inside to get him acclimated, and Mom slowly expressed less anger each time until he was finally able to sit inside when Summer eventually made it over to eat after work.

It was getting dark, so we all headed home. Eaddie had left to hang out by a fire with Maristella, so Summer, Muad’Dib, and I quietly wound down before Summer’s surgery in the morning.

Look at the stars. Look how they shine for you, and everything you do.

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Tree Down, Two to Go

It was supposed to storm pretty bad today for Summer’s trip to Springfield for Conquer the Gauntlet, so I committed to going with her. We got out of the house on time, but the storm hit super hard not long after we left. We encountered around five trees that were partially across the road. One large one was all the way across, but had broken up and been driven over enough that we rumbled right on through. Then we got stuck just outside of Jasper because a large tree took down a utility line.

We were parked in the road in a line of vehicles going both directions. Summer had to sneak into the woods a couple times before the crews finally got the cable raised high enough for the trucks to get past. We got to the Girl Scouts Camp Finbrooke about an hour late, but she was able to join the 11AM wave. There were hardly any people there, possibly due to the rain, so I just waited in the car for her to finish.

Summer set a new record time because she didn’t have to wait in a queue for any of the obstacles, so she got changed and we headed to Buc-ee’s to Supercharge and shop. They were absolutely packed, nearly shoulder-to-shoulder in some places. I had already been struggling with anxiety, and being there just shot it through the roof. We grabbed some brisket sandwiches and ate them outside.

The brisket was absolutely garbage, and it occurred to me that other gas stations don’t scream about it because they know. Buc-ee’s seems painfully unaware, and provides much fanfare. Even the potato chips were chewy and disappointing. We ended up going back inside to do some more shopping, and picked up several different kinds of jerky to try. Then we went back to the car so I could decompress and plan our return home.

We ended up driving back to Branson after stopping briefly at some strange visitor center in the mountains. There were a couple guys in there hanging out behind a counter, and they weren’t at all pushy about anything. They had free drinks and visitor information, so I finally spoke up and asked one of them what they were selling. He said they had discount tickets, and eventually said they were a part of a particular resort, but he wasn’t pushy since we said we weren’t staying the night. He did give us a couple vouchers for some free mini golf and an old timey photograph, so our next stop was Coral Reef Mini Golf for 18 holes and some shuffleboard.

That was pretty good fun for free, so I dropped a $20 tip in the jar and we continued on to Starvin’ Marvin’s for dinner. They were the only seafood buffet I could find, and though the bar was super small, all the food was pretty good, and the service was great. We stuffed ourselves silly and then headed on home.

The kids were out on bikes when we finally made it home. The neighbors finally got the north side of the fence repaired, so Eaddie put Muad’Dib outside. I cleaned up and then took him out for a run. It looked like the kids were at Sequoyah, so we rode that direction to try and find them. Just as we got about a block away, it looked like they were on the way home, so we raced after them.

I tried texting Eaddie because we never caught sight of them. Muad’Dib was a champ keeping up, but I could tell I was wearing him out. We stopped at my parents’ house to rest and then made it home. Muad’Dib had jumped into the creek at my parents’ house because he was so hot, so I had to give him a bath. He behaved pretty well, except for jumping onto the bed before he was cleaned. Once he was dried up, he climbed into bed and went right to sleep with Summer while I wrapped up my own routine.

She gives me echoes; never answers. Hoping that she’ll change her mind.

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On Second Thought

If I had known we would all end up at the high school, I would have gone straight there in the morning. Instead, we sat around the office for about an hour and then all individually drove over to help Jim move all of his Chromebooks from the library to a holding room. We expected rain, so we couldn’t take them to the shop like we originally planned.

After a bit of sorting and looking for damage, we were done and sitting around. Jim started imaging more of his laptops while everyone else left, so I just sat in the library and worked on the FortiAuthenticator stuff until lunch time. While we were waiting to go, Cheri called with an offer from Tesla. Then Teisha called with an offer from Bitec.

We thought we had a group for lunch since we waited for Kyle, but it ended up just being Jim and myself. He drove us to Mr. Cajun’s Kitchen and I tried their blackened catfish over red beans and rice. I thought it was way too expensive, but it tasted good. After that, I just stayed in the library until quitting time.

The drive home was a bit anxious. I stopped in Blackwell and again in Atkins for a slush since the Casey’s in town always seems to turn their slushy machine off when they have a free deal day. Summer was having a bath when I got home, but then she had to go to Morrilton to check on a truck that was leaking oil after service. I rode with her while the kids took Muad’Dib to the art walk downtown.

Summer was able to tighten the drain plug without any trouble, and we made it back home for some light leftovers. She did some work and we eventually wound down kind of late, considering she had a Conquer the Gauntlet race in the morning in Springfield, Missouri. I may have caught something from handling all the Chromebooks, because I felt a sinus infection creeping in all evening.

I thought by now, you would understand sonder!

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Along for the Ride

I picked Dad up this morning and we headed to Tulsa, stopping in Van Buren for a charge and some breakfast pizza. We got there about half an hour early and checked in, but they didn’t offer a loaner, and the demo vehicle I requested wasn’t available until later in the afternoon. Dad and I waited in the lobby for hours and waited for the estimated completion time of 1:30, which turned into 2:45. I ended up asking for any demo vehicle at all, and we got a Model 3 to take to the 50’s Diner for lunch.

I had a Monte Cristo and Dad got a burger. The onion rings were different and better than I expected as thin, small rings with only a light batter. As we were finishing, I got a call asking to come back and demonstrate the passenger seat popping for the tech, even though I had showed Blake, the service advisor, when we checked in.

The popping had quit, but the seat controls had phantom actions that weren’t intended. When moving straight back, the backrest would recline a bit intermittently. The tech said he couldn’t do anything more about it until they released a new firmware for the controls, which didn’t make any sense to me. We also couldn’t get a confirmation that they would cover the paint issue, so we ended up waiting until the car was finished around five o’clock.

We did get to demo the new Model Y Juniper, and it was quite nice. It did feel tighter and more refined than Summer’s. We also got to demo a Cybertruck, and Dad even drove that one. We only took it around the block, but I liked it well enough. If I wanted a larger vehicle, I would totally drive one.

They finally finished around five, and Mykel confirmed that they would cover the paint issue under warranty. They also said the air conditioner was overfilled by about 200 grams of refrigerant. Hopefully fixing that will make it cool better.

We headed home, and the car did great both ways. We didn’t even have to stop to charge on the way home, so I took Dad home and then went home to find some leftovers and a drink before bed.

I told you once, you fooled me twice.