Tag: anxiety

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More Less Better

I woke up to some weird, strange, scary dream last night, but I couldn’t remember anything about it. I didn’t think I’d be able to go back to sleep, but luckily that didn’t last long. I still had a bit of a rough start, and though I got up early for a free birthday drink from Starbucks, I didn’t end up going because they must have been out of milk somehow.

We got to work and I did a pretty good job of focusing on my Autopilot task. It’s finally starting to get kind of fun to tinker with that stuff, though there’s still plenty I don’t understand. It still wasn’t rainy during lunch time, but I really wanted to try the new BIG ARCH burger at McDonald’s, so Muad’Dib just had to wait in the car.

I didn’t realize how big it was, so I also got a small Happy Meal for some McNuggets and a Changeables toy in order to bump the total up enough to qualify for a discount. I ate that first, so when I actually opened the burger and realized how big it was, I knew I was in trouble. I was actually really pleased with the burger though. It was tasty enough to drown out the noise of the obnoxiously loud group of teens that were at my usual bench seats. There must have been a bus of them somewhere, because I later saw several groups of them convene across the street at Taco Bell.

I let Muad’Dib run some more coming back to work, and a little later in the afternoon Janice had cake for me. She made me a lemon poke cake, and it was super good. It felt really nice to be in a work family that did stuff like that again, though there’s no telling whether that will continue to be a thing when she retires. Hopefully we can continue in some fashion.

I had an anxiety attack sometime in the afternoon, but I don’t remember if it was before or after cake. I felt progressively worse all afternoon like I had gas in my chest that just kept coming out as burps. I did my best to relax because my heart was racing as well. I lived to see the end of the day, and picked up my Starbucks on the way home to save for later, then found Summer in a bath.

She was really hungry, so we decided to take Muad’Dib to Point Remove for some boneless wings and a couple beers. As soon as we got there, a lady recognized Muad’Dib and asked if he was the dog that kept getting out in our neighborhood. She remembered me working at Two Rivers, and I think I remembered encountering them on a run or something. It really feels like I’m living with a celebrity sometimes.

I only finished Summer’s first stout because she wanted to try one of the wines, and then I only had a couple of the wings just to take it easy. I felt a little better by the time we left, and we swung through Tropical Smoothie for a free smoothie to save for the morning. Then Summer went straight to sleep when we got to the house. I kind of wanted to go for a walk, but also wanted to get to bed early. I started to feel a lot worse for a bit, but checked my blood pressure and took a clonidine since I was right at the cusp of being that high. I felt better as I continued to burp, and wondered if it was mostly due to the poor nutritional value of the food I’ve been eating. I think it’s time to go regular on the Soylents again.

I’ve never been this many before.

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Talko Boosday

I felt pretty terrible this morning, but we managed to get to work before eight. It was a super slow recovery until lunch time at Ortega’s. I think I had an anxiety attack somewhere along the line. Later in the afternoon, one of the guys called for help with HubSpot, and of course I knew nothing. At least tech support couldn’t help either.

We left a little early to get to therapy, though we’ve been starting late enough that I think I can leave at my regular time and still make it. Summer was busy until just after five, and even then we had to wait for Dwayne to come let us in.

We ended up sitting outside with Muad’Dib and his little dog, Lucy. They played more than we talked, and I was a little surprised at Summer’s recollection of the weekend. I haven’t been very happy with our sessions so far, so I don’t know how much longer I’ll be interested in going.

Summer had a meeting, so I went to the house and cleaned up a little. Eaddie was in the shower when I got there, but left shortly thereafter. Summer eventually came home and seemed continually troubled, but didn’t know why. She went to bed pretty quickly, and I followed soon after.

Uninteresting

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Intune with Feelings

I tried to make today another super focused day, and it went better than average. It started out a little slow, but I eventually wiped a laptop a couple more times and built out a couple more policies with some better experience. I really needed to work on product imports for HubSpot, but I just dread that.

I brought my other Five Guys burger for lunch, so we didn’t leave the office again. Scott brought Maple, so she and Muad’Dib almost got to playing around together a bit. I thought I’d ask if I could take them both outside for a bit, but I missed them somehow. I just walked Muad’Dib around a little bit and then we came back inside to finish up the afternoon. It was super quiet upstairs all afternoon after Janice left early. I had an anxiety attack at some point.

Summer had a meeting in Rogers first thing in the morning, so she was home and lifeless on the couch when I got there. We went to my parents’ house for red envelopes since Eaddie would be out all evening. We let Muad’Dib run outside the car on the way, I ate some leftover noodles they had out, and then we drove him back in the dark.

We watched Rental Family, which I thought was really good. Then Summer went to bed. I stayed up quite a while longer and then noticed we caught a small rat in the trap in the kitchen, so I asked Eaddie if they could go release it when they got home. Then I went to bed.

One at a time.

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All Signs Point to Less

We had our staff meeting first thing this morning, and it was relatively short. I somehow made it through without much ado, and then chatted briefly with Teisha before going to play with the new digital sign in the plant breakroom. I didn’t even get to show anything, since I still really hadn’t settled on a content management system yet.

Most of my day was actually derailed trying to wipe a laptop for Jon, because he was still having trouble with his being slow. I had an anxiety attack sometime in the morning, and then I messed around with Autopilot some more after failing to do a simple wipe from an ISO. We did take a break to go to Sonic and had a pretty good burger and fries. As we left, Muad’Dib spotted a beaver in the creek, so I had to shoo him into the car.

I let him run a bit on the way back to work, and then took him with Teisha to walk the property and see where we would be hosting the company picnic. We encountered some soft dirt and my shoes got a little muddy, but it could have been worse.

The afternoon went by pretty quickly, without major success on any of my projects, but I did at least feel like I made a dent in some infrastructure building. We had to run home because Summer was making dinner. We still had steak, so she made some vegetables and some linguini with pesto to go with it, and it was one of my favorite meals she’s made. Then we watched a little bit of YouTube before she went to bed. I eventually got there too.

Just trimmings.

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Tostaguac

I skipped the Soylent this morning and just had some coffee instead. Charles and his crew got the TV mounted, but still hadn’t run power to it, which was fine since I still hadn’t really made any content to put up on a digital sign anyway. Every time I get into a content management system, something about it frustrates me to the point of looking for something new.

I had an anxiety attack in the morning, then met Summer at Ortega’s for lunch. I found another great combination with the tostaguac, and we filled up and headed back to work. The afternoon went by fairly quickly, and I left just a few minutes early to get back to town for therapy.

Summer was working at the lube, and then we walked over and took Muad’Dib inside with us this time. I don’t think anybody really felt like the session did any good this time, and probably did more to irritate us. This was a pity, since otherwise we had been feeling really good. Summer even mentioned at lunch that she finally felt like she wasn’t enjoying her job any more, but of course that didn’t come up when we were with the therapist. It really felt like we just burned our 45 minutes.

We left for home and I had a few packages to go through. Then I only got distracted into one big project while trying to clean up the kitchen table. I did get a monitor set up by the bathtub for Summer, so that pleased her. Unfortunately the monitor may not be any good, but we’ll test it out some more.

Summer went to bed and Eaddie had Eli come over late for some leftovers. I cleaned up a bit more and then rushed to bed.

I guess we’re wingin’ it again!

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Walk in the Park

Summer went to work, but I was off for Presidents’ Day, so I got up and made myself some rice and egg for breakfast. I wanted to get lunch with her later, so I got around for a little bit of productivity, but didn’t really accomplish much after an anxiety attack. I ended up sitting in a bath for a little while before I finally took Muad’Dib to get her. We went to Cici’s since I rarely have an opportunity to go for their Monday and Tuesday deal any more. The food was good, and then I vacuumed my car after I dropped her back off at work.

As we rode home, I decided to stop by Allen’s house on a whim just to see if he was still alive. We ended up chatting for about an hour as I lost track of time, so then I raced home to get Summer for her vein appointment. Muad’Dib and I hung out in the parking lot while she went in for the procedure, and then we went up to Pleasant View Park to check out the dog park.

The dog park was way in the back behind the ballfields. There were only a couple people there with their dogs, and they were friendly up until another old lady showed up with a large pitbull. That was Mrs. Carnahan, an old junior high math teacher, who I didn’t have, but recognized. Her pitbull had a short tussle with one of the other dogs, so they ended up going to the other side of the fence, and eventually left. Muad’Dib didn’t mind too much though, and we stuck around for a little longer before going out to walk a lap around the pond.

When we got back home, I drained the basement and then put out the rest of the poison because I got video earlier in the morning of three rats on camera at once. Then Summer and I watched Cruella before bed. She was weary about it, but I thought it was a great movie. I finally watered my plants, and eventually made it to bed.

People do need a villain to believe in.

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Lazy Valentine

We started lounging on the couch early this morning. Summer had some coffee, and then I warmed up some leftover waffles and a pancake for breakfast. After a while, we sent the dog to get Eaddie out of bed, and then she eventually had Eli come over for the day. They talked about making pizza or chicken, and then both, and then ended up only making pizzas for dinner. Summer and I hardly left the couch. I had an anxiety attack at some point, but I got our room booked for Eaddie’s trip. Then we mostly watched YouTube while it rained all day. I guess we could’ve done worse.

Rats

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Dryday

Somehow I failed to get into a rhythm with drinking today, and I barely had any water. I felt a little more focused, so it may have just been how busy I stayed. My longest battle was with the Windows 11 Home edition PC that was on the shelf, since I didn’t have a way to upgrade it to a Pro license for Intune management. I’m still not comfortable spending money, and I went back and forth with Dylan to see what Howard could do for us.

I had an anxiety attack sometime in the day while I was standing in the tech closet, possibly because I had my chin down to my chest. That seems to be a recurring cause. I was pretty hungry for most of the morning, but snacked quite a bit and didn’t get into my Soylent. We ended up going to Arby’s for lunch, and I used a deal to get a free French dip for later.

The afternoon went by pretty quickly as I crunched on the digital signage a bit. I fired off a few emails, and then on the way out, Janice said that the office staff would still be off for President’s Day. I headed on home, stopping at the lube to catch Summer as she wrapped up her long day.

We got to the house and the kids were there laying around. Summer showered and I spread out some rat poison she brought home. Then I made her a plate of leftovers and ate my sandwich from earlier. Then the kids left and Summer and I finished watching the MKBHD feature. I think I may have enjoyed listening to the podcast about it more, but the video was still great. Their passion for their work is infectious.

less than three

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Lessons Fought

Eaddie called me a little after midnight, which of course startled us both. I tried to answer, but then she walked around the corner toward the bedroom and said she needed help. Summer jumped up too, but I dressed and followed her outside to investigate. Eli was sitting in the Pathfinder in the driveway right behind my car, and had gotten stuck on the ice slope.

We couldn’t even walk on the ice because it was so slick, so I got a couple containers for the kids to shuttle water back and forth. Eaddie was minimally helpful, and sassed me any time I told her to do anything. Summer eventually came out with my axe and started whaling on the ice to break it up. After a couple hours, we finally got free and climbed out of the driveway. I mentioned Eaddie’s attitude to Summer, and she decided to address it right away before the kids left. Of course Eaddie started crying in frustration, which broke Summer down. I meant for it to be discussed later, but apparently Eaddie had previously expressed wanting to be called out on the spot. They left and Summer and I struggled to go back to sleep.

As tired as I was in the morning, we made it to work for a long day. Rhonda said Muad’Dib had peed on Teddy’s bed in their office, which surprised me since he’s usually right around me. I tried to stay focused, but had a pretty bad anxiety attack in the morning. We got mozzarella sticks from Sonic, then a box from Taco Bell since it actually felt reasonably nice outside. Some old jackass parked crooked next to me, but luckily I could Summon my car out of the spot and load Muad’Dib back in when we left.

The afternoon dragged on a bit, and then we headed home. Janice gave me some money for gift cards from Old South and Brown’s, but the latter would be closed until the next day. The girls were at the house when we got there, but things seemed quiet. Summer bathed and I left to pick up some food. Eaddie denied hunger, but I knew she would eat, so I picked up a bunch of wings from Buffalo Wild Wings, and then a plate from Panda Express. Buffalo Wild Wings was terribly slow, and the boneless wings were terribly small, and of course Panda Express had boxed up my order half an hour before I finally got there.

We all sat down to eat, which was nice, but then Summer quietly summoned me to the bedroom for a talk. I think we both knew Eaddie was really upset that Summer had reversed her decision to get out by the end of the week, but I guess they talked about it and it had them both very bothered. I went to talk to Eaddie about it myself, and I felt like we had a pretty good conversation. Of course I won’t know how she really feels, but hopefully she and Summer can revisit later, and I’m sure we’ll be fine if we can all agree to focus our energy in a positive way.

Eaddie left to practice at Witherspoon, and I rushed to bed without much of a catch-up session with Summer. The less energy we have to spend on catching up for things like this, the better.

Beat the keys out of it.

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All or Nothing

Friday was good until it got bad enough to become good again. I stayed pretty busy at work, but struggled in the afternoon as the girls went looking for houses. I stopped by PetSmart when we got back to town, because I needed something to interrupt how I was feeling, and I got Muad’Dib a bunch of treats. Mark needed some computer help as well, so I stopped to see him for a bit too. When I got home, I managed to sit down and talk with Summer for a long while, and eventually we were able to agree that they would slow down long enough to breathe and catch back up from all the recent heaviness. We’ll give it three months without any more of that added stress, and focus on some therapy and heavy communication to see if we can maintain some momentum with our positive change. Eaddie came around and I took them to Waffle House for a late dinner, and we had a good time.

Eaddie was gone all Saturday, so I took Summer to Cracker Barrel for breakfast. They were depressingly slow compared to Old South, and after eating our food, we figured out why. We went back to PetSmart to use another coupon for some food, and then briefly stepped into T.J. Maxx before making it back to the house. We cleaned up a bit and stayed busy most of the afternoon until we decided to go to New China for dinner. I wanted to stop to see my parents on the way back, and Summer nervously went along. Mom had a surprising amount to say, and Summer came home upset for a while, but we talked a little more before bed and then woke up with clearer thoughts.

Summer got some Spam and I made breakfast sandwiches for the three of us. Eaddie left and Summer went to the gym, and I cleaned up the kitchen. Later on, we walked to Walgreens with Muad’Dib to try and get Summer’s prescription, but they were closed. I eventually warmed up some spaghetti for dinner, and at some point the day before we had started watching Wonderman, so we continued that in the evening until bed.

Document the process and build a roadmap to success.