Tag: anxiety

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Waning Crescent

I woke up shaking with anxiety this morning that followed me most of the way to work. It eventually leveled out, which was good because Gary tried to help a lady in the office with a printer issue, and it quickly became my problem. Luckily Kyle walked in and it then became his problem when we discovered the switch port was tagged incorrectly, and the printer had been set up differently than whatever standard they eventually chose.

I fought slow deployment tests all day, but took a break to take Maggie to lunch with Jim. Somehow when I pay for her, we end up spending enough to feed three or four people, but it was her birthday. They both asked about Summer after I took the day off, so I shared a little bit of what we’ve been working through, and Jim joked that it sounded like we were married.

The afternoon went by pretty quickly and my single image test failed what I was trying to accomplish. On the way out, I got to see the giant lizard Maggie told me was living under the sidewalk. I headed home through some fairly slow traffic, stopping in Atkins to swing through Casey’s to redeem a freebie. Summer and I had discussed dinner earlier in the morning, so she had a shepherd’s pie in the oven when I got home. She was sitting at the dinner table doing some work on her laptop with a look on her face, so we talked a bunch more.

We mostly talked in circles over the same things. She said she was taking some time away from work just to stay away from the public for a bit, and I was glad she got to see some support from her team and leadership. I don’t think any of the talking was actually helping at that point since we’ve always had trouble communicating. We stopped for dinner with Eaddie, and the shepherd’s pie turned out awesome. Afterward she had to go to Tech to prepare for a concert. I tried to take Muad’Dib out for a run, but it started raining and we ended up sitting on the porch together instead. Summer came out and we got burned out from talking again, so we loaded up to go watch Eaddie’s Tech concert.

The concert was long, but the band was great. We were both pretty exhausted from the stress and the lack of sleep. I know my head dropped at least once while I had my eyes closed, listening to the music. We got home, shared some drinks, and wound down quickly for bed.

I got my change behind the bed, in a coffee can I throw my nickels in. ☄️

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Wants and Needs

By all counts, it hasn’t been a bad day. I actually woke up fairly early with an intense pain in my left hip. I found Summer on the porch having a cup of coffee, seemingly unphased by her night of reckless abandon. I don’t recall our conversation specifically, but I found half a cup of coffee later in the evening and was told that I said something upsetting that prevented the completion of the cup.

We talked a lot, sporadically throughout the entire day. Things weren’t bad by any means, but we had a few difficult conversations. Nothing had really changed, but my goal was just to get us talking. We’ve been so focused on surviving the day to day that we haven’t made time for anything else.

Most of the day was kind of a blur, but we did make it to New China for lunch. After that, we went to the car wash so I could get rid of the bug splatter. As we left there, I thought we’d just let the car take us for a drive wherever it wanted, so I activate autopilot and ended up going south down Highway 331. Summer didn’t seem at all interested in the adventure, so I had the car take us home where we settled in for the afternoon. We eventually started to assemble a bookshelf I had gotten from Vine, but I ended up completing it alone.

As the sun went down, I knew I had to take Muad’Dib out for a run. We did our usual route and he didn’t bother spending much time in the creek. We visited with Dad, then continued home for the evening. I had texted Shawna just to check in, but didn’t get much of a response. I drank with Summer on the porch for a bit to enjoy the weather, then came in to settle down.

Eaddie came in and only saw us briefly to check in on how we were doing. She’s an incredible kid, with a better head on her shoulders than what I’ve got. I ended the night with some tipsy tea to calm the nerves, and everyone went to bed super early.

In your wake I stumble on, but the smoke is nothing that I haven’t seen.

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PGA Tour

After the intensity yesterday, I knew I’d have to medicate today to keep the shakes down. I was early, so I just let the car do its thing to get me to the office, and from there I was actually pretty focused. I continued working in SCCM to fix some issues with Jim’s laptop deployment, but was still delayed by the network latency. At this point it would be much faster to just go to the high school and test my task sequences there.

I offered to take Maggie out to lunch for her birthday, but she said she had plans to meet a friend. She ended up disappearing for much of the day, so it was just the two old men and me, sipping my sweet tea all day. I didn’t eat my banana, and I wasn’t hungry for lunch, so I just plowed right through. I tried to stay hydrated, but somehow the lid to my cup popped off and I spilled 32 ounces of ice water all over the floor right outside our office. All I could do was shrug. I broke my cup and lid in the process, and to add insult to injury, they don’t seem to keep a mop in the closet with the other cleaning supplies. I had to use a rag to wipe it all up after wringing it out repeatedly.

The afternoon dragged by slowly, but quitting time eventually rolled around. I was exhausted and a bit dazed, but the car was a champ again. Eaddie called and wanted to know if we were going to go to Nebo with her, Eli, and my dad to take some more senior photos, so that was our new plan. I got home and tried to lay on the couch with Summer for a bit since she had gotten home fairly early. We started talking, and that continued off and on all night long.

The kids got there, followed by my dad, and we loaded Muad’Dib into the Pathfinder to drive up the mountain. Summer had to use the restroom, so we found the bathhouse first, then took some pictures at the overlook there. We still had quite a bit of daylight left, so we went around to the waterfall and took some pictures there. Our last stop was sunset point to get a few more shots as the sun set behind the clouds. I spotted a lone lady sitting on a rock staring into the distance, so I made a point to walk down by her with a smile and wish her well. I shared with her that I had spent many evenings there alone, and hoped that she was doing okay.

We stopped one last time at an overlook on the way down the mountain, and then headed home. My chat with Summer had kind of gone back and forth all day, but really took a defeating turn on the drive home. The way she digs into me and refuses any help unless somebody is forcing her makes me worry that I’m doing more harm than good just by being around at this point.

I didn’t find out until later, but Summer robbed my liquor cabinet on the way to take a bath. I warmed up some spaghetti for Eaddie and sat in the kitchen with her for another really great talk about how she basically wished we would split up. Coming from either of the other kids might have been an insult, but I knew what she meant. She just wants us both to be happy, and has a logical enough mindset that she sees a path forward for all of us. She recognized the decline of our relationship, especially after moving in together, and identified the core differences in our values and priorities. She especially didn’t want us sticking together on account of her, and hated that we’ve both been so unhappy in spite of how Summer says she feels. We discussed sitting down as a family to share our feelings, which is something I’ve struggled to get Summer to do even one-on-one, but Eaddie has proven time and time again that she has insight that both of us could use. She really is the daughter I always wanted.

I started to wind down, but heard Summer whimpering in the bedroom. By the time I got there, she was absolutely hammered and sobbing into her pillow from finishing my bottle of cocoa cayenne Bird Dog. In nearly eight years, I had never really seen her cry, and I’d definitely never seen her that drunk before. We “fought” for over two hours, mostly about me trying to get her to drink some water. I needed her to be able to open up emotionally, but in a more constructive way. We both called in to work, and I guess we’ll see if we can actually have an adult conversation tomorrow, but I’m betting on at least one hangover eating into that productivity. She is such an incredible woman, and we both learned and grew from one another a great deal in our time. I would still be broken in a big way without her. I never expected this to come to a head in this way. I’ve tried so hard, but I just don’t know if we can truly be good for one another in this kind of relationship.

Older than the ocean. Older than the night sky, I am.

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Whiskey Business

I was absolutely riddled with anxiety all day long. MacLeod got me to work safely and I did my best to settle in. I’ve been really surprised at how quiet things have been, and I wondered when the techs actually got any work done since Jimmy and Gary have been spending nearly all day, every day at the office. I got into the script server to run a manual sync for a new sub, which prompted a call from Randy while he was out on bereavement. I had it handled, so all was well.

Time seemed completely irrelevant, and I continued to wring my hands and tap my feet because I think I knew what was coming. I skipped lunch and tried to focus on Mosyle until I had to stop and help Jim with an OS deployment on one of the new Acers he got for the high school.

The drive home was the worst, as tics slowly took over all motor control. Then, as if I had been building up to this moment all day long, Shawna texted and then called to set expectations. Selfishly involving her in our own troubles had caused more harm than the help I was meant to provide for her. It would have been different with any other person in the universe, but there was no way she had thought of me the way I had thought of her for all this time. I couldn’t help but to freefall.

By the time I got inside, I was shaking pretty violently. Summer was warming up leftover spaghetti for dinner, but found me shivering in the corner of the closet. I don’t know how long we talked from that point, but after an anxiety attack, I wasn’t in a position to interfere with anyone or anything else. I quickly found the Fireball to keep myself from making any surprise trips out of town, and sat down to eat with Summer.

After our expectedly awkward dinner, I took Muad’Dib out for a run. He was amazing even when we encountered other dogs, including a loose poodle around the basin. He took a quick dip in the creek, and then we went back up and through the roundabout before making our way to my parents’ house. Dad came out with some leftover pork loin for him, and then we made it home where Summer and I sat out on the porch together for a bit.

The evening wound down pretty quickly after that since I wasn’t fit to put much brain power into anything else. Eaddie got home late and came to visit me briefly, and I eventually found my way to bed.

But what if it had actually worked???

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Nine-Tenths

I was severely sleep deprived, but I managed to get going and made it to work almost right at seven this morning. Gary was the only one that beat me there, but he was still smoking in his truck as I walked in. Johnny had called me just as I was taking my exit, so I continued to talk to him for a while after I got to my desk. Randy was out, but there wouldn’t have been much going on even if he was there.

Ben texted about lunch, so I met him at Flyway Brewing near the arena, and we shared some fried deviled eggs, and both got their smoked chicken wrap special. Everything was kind of “elevated” in some way, and tasted super good. We chatted for a while, and then I had to wait in the parking lot while a truck pumped something out of a hole in the ground.

The afternoon was super slow, and everyone snuck out a little early. I stopped in Morrilton for some beer, and then Summer and I spent some time together once I got home, before I took Muad’Dib out for his run. The weather was really nice for our ride, and he did pretty great. Once we got home, I sat on the porch and had some beer with Summer while we chatted. As it got dark, I set up my table tornado fire pit and we chatted until Eaddie got home.

By then it had gotten fairly late, so I put Summer to bed. Just as I sat down to wrap up, Shawna messaged to check on us, so I called and we talked for quite a while until bed.

Crash Time

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One Ring to Find Them

The onramp was open this morning, so I actually made it to work pretty early. It’s been a little demoralizing that the old guys have just been sitting in their cubes watching reels and playing solitaire for most of the day, but I guess I’m not doing much better. I actually did have to work on a couple things today, but still spent most of my time waiting on unqualified users to complete simple tasks.

Randy and I met with White River and a guy from SkyPBX to chat about a new phone system, and then Randy had to disappear to help resolve an issue with receiving something like 17 pallets of Chromebooks. I worked through lunch and ate trash pizza. The afternoon dragged on forever.

The roads were wide open on the way home, so I stopped to wash the gigantic bug splatter off of my car as soon as I got into town. Summer was home early after getting almost all of her hair chopped off, so we visited for a bit before I took Muad’Dib out for a run.

It was nice outside, so I spent some time brushing him at a bench by the trail again, then we visited with Dad before making it home. I finished up the tacos while Summer had some of her gumbo, and then she finished up work from home before bed. I wrapped up pretty early myself, but didn’t get to bed much earlier.

Dig in.

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Husky Nights and Melancholie Days

Summer had to open one of her stores today, so I just met her at Saint Mary’s for her mammogram and ultrasound. I walked in and saw Allen sitting there waiting to go back, so I sat next to him to chat until seats cleared up and we could all sit together. He was there getting X-rayed, and stayed to chat with me while Summer went back. She wasn’t in there long though, and came out looking really upset. I may have misread her based on our conversations the rest of the day, but they referred her to get an MRI in Conway instead of taking a biopsy, so I’m hopeful that it’s just nothing.

She had to go back to work, so I ran to McDonald’s to grab her some breakfast before meeting Allen at Price Break. Wednesday was apparently dollar day, and the place was absolutely packed. He didn’t stay long, but I grabbed a Christmas ornament of Rocket Raccoon and a case of some soda or energy drink stuff to try. He had another doctor appointment after that, so I headed toward home but stopped at Ridgewood Brothers just to say, “hello.” Grant accidentally messed up his macaroni sauce somehow, so I got out of the way and went home just long enough for Allen to text that he was done.

We met at Panda Express for some lunch and chatted for quite a while. I thought he’d come see the new house, but he changed his mind at the last minute and I headed home to run Muad’Dib. We went to the basin and saw that Dad was at the old house, so I thought we’d run across town to see him. He was mowing the lawns, so we rode on down to Allen’s house and got to play with Davis, his new dachshund. Davis ran circles around Muad’Dib in the back yard for a bit, and then we continued on down to the airport to visit Kevin for a little while.

Summer mentioned us coming to see her, so we headed back to the old house for a break before making our way to Superfast. Everyone there loved him, but Muad’Dib was tired. He had some popcorn, and then we continued home, stopping at the little paved pad with bike tools and a picnic table to rest and enjoy the shady breeze for a while. We got through the basin, visited Dad at home, and finally made it home where he laid down on the porch for a snooze.

Shawna called and we caught up for a little bit while I sat out on the porch with Muad’Dib. Eaddie got home from band solo and ensemble, and played with him for a little bit before coming in to eat. I cleaned up some of my own leftovers from work lunch, and then Summer got home and I made her a bowl of meatballs she made last night. We had a nice chat for a while until she went to bed, and then it was a slow wind-down for me.

Perfect.

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Dynamism

Randy had Kyle, Jim, and me meet at the high school core closet today to try and resolve an outage from over the weekend. It was a fair amount of sitting, but I did manage to pull a DHCP configuration off of a bare metal installation, then import it into a spare DHCP virtual machine we already had. Kyle did some magic on his side to fix some other related issues, and I think we eventually got the middle school back online as well, but Randy indicated that was Windstream’s fault.

That got us all the way to lunch, and I met them at David’s Burgers for one of the better burgers I’ve had there. I like their fries when they’re hot and fresh more than the ones I’ve had from CJ’s in town. Then after lunch, I ended up back at the office for the rest of the day.

The afternoon went by pretty quickly, and I washed the car as soon as I got into town. Muad’Dib ended up eating the Google TV remote last night, so we put him outside again. I took him out for a really good run and chatted with Shawna for a little while. We got to meet a little dachshund that got away from her owner, so she got a treat. Then we encountered Dad’s drone on the way back toward the other side of the basin trail, since our usual path was flooded.

We visited briefly, but then headed home to meet Summer. Her mammogram came back cloudy, so they scheduled her again for Wednesday to do an enhanced image and ultrasound. She had a difficult day even before that call, and had to discipline one of her leaders that was showing signs of her own personality traits, and I think that was a turning point for her in a good way. There’s no reason for her or anyone else to break themselves for a job like that. It might be different if they were helping people, but they’re changing oil and washing cars.

Summer went to decompress in a bath, and I ended up calling Shawna again while I drained the sump room. It was absolutely full of water, and Josh peeked over the fence to remind me in the most polite way possible that I was flooding his yard. I’ve got to run a drain line over to the corner of the yard, or at least hook up an automatic sump that drains more frequently to avoid flooding.

When I got back inside, Summer and I talked about her day and ended up calling Shawna together to break through Summer’s resistance to accepting the fact that friends aren’t burdened when they get to listen to your troubles. It’s different if you’re constantly in turmoil that you’ve created yourself by being an idiot. They’re shaping up to be beautiful friends.

I always play Support class.

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Two Player Co-Op

Randy wanted me to go to Arch Ford with him today, so I got to sleep in just a little bit and only had to drive to Plumerville. It was raining pretty hard and my car didn’t love it, but we made it on time, and well before things got started. I sat with Randy, and Gary, Greg, and Ryan showed up to sit at the table behind us. It was just a day session on all of the new cybersecurity policies and how to interpret the laws.

The training itself was a lot of read along and discuss, and then White River served pork loin and mashed potatoes with gravy for lunch. It was a pretty good meal, and I appreciated Randy for just getting me a break from the long commute.

Summer and I thought we might meet in Conway for dinner or something afterward, but I finished too early and we ended up crossing paths around Morrilton. She went to work out before going to her team meeting to say goodbye to the stores she was made to give to some other moron, who she’s afraid will destroy the team morale.

I got home and it was too rainy to run Muad’Dib, and Julie was stressing about a logo for Humble Aviation, so I spent the rest of the afternoon working on that. I was fairly happy with the final result, but I still wish I could convert it to a proper vector better. I’ll have to learn my tools better.

Summer came home obviously upset from her difficult team goodbye. We talked for a little while before she went to shower. I cleaned up some leftovers and then we chatted for a while longer before Eaddie got home. It seemed to get really late super fast, but I guess the evenings always fly by.

It just might be crazy enough to work.

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Best Doggy Life

Muad’Dib did great in our room last night, and Summer took him out for a potty break in the morning while I tried to sleep in a little bit. We eventually got cleaned up and she walked him, then I rode the Onewheel around the parking lot with him after we got everything out of the hotel and into the car. That was when I ran into Ashante, Julie’s old friend from school. She wanted to meet Muad’Dib, and I told her the story of how I found him. I mentioned that he made the trip from Russellville, and that got the wheels turning on how we knew each other. She remembered going to a pool party and me running around with a “Chucky” doll.

After all of that, we wanted to get lunch before Dad’s matinée show, so I found a dog-friendly restaurant called Red’s Pizzeria just a short walk from the trolly station with EV charging. Summer and I took Muad’Dib over to start charging and waited for my parents to show up. The restaurant was super cute, with basically a counter to place your order, and then a multi-level outdoor patio to sit and eat. Muad’Dib laid down by my side and was super chill the entire time, and the pizza was pretty good.

Back at the convention, the show was good. Dad’s Miser’s Dream went well, and Muad’Dib was much less nervous than the first night when we walked in and sat down right in the middle of a packed house. After the show, we tried to go back to the strip to walk around, but both chargers were occupied and I didn’t feel comfortable going to pay for parking in another place that was a tighter fit. We ended up going back to the chargers and just waiting for one of those two people to come back for their car. Fortunately it didn’t take too long, and it was a nice rest on a bench in the shade with the dog.

By then it was time to get dinner, so we made our way down to Local Flavor Cafe, who also had a porch for dogs. I rode the Onewheel down the hill in case I needed to go park for my parents and act as a faster valet service. They ended up just parking in the bank lane since they were closed, and we had a nice dinner. Our server even brought out a fresh bowl of water for Muad’Dib, who spent most of the time under my chair and got plenty of scraps.

The evening show was really good, but the three of us were exhausted from running around so much. Muad’Dib had the best doggie vacation he’d ever had, and behaved so wonderfully. He rode home perfectly with a quick stop in Ozark, and then he was super excited to see Eaddie when we got home. I let him sleep in Eaddie’s room, and Summer went straight to bed. I was up unexpectedly late, and I just know I’ll pay for it later.

I skipped a roll.