Tag: anxiety

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Commendearing Cow

I did it. I got up nearly an hour and a half early this morning in commitment to a joke that only served to entertain myself. I had the time, so I stopped in to Casey’s for a free breakfast slice on the way to work. When I got there, the new guy was already standing awkwardly downstairs outside the basement doors. I guess nobody told him we’ve been starting at 9am, so he showed up at 7:45am.

We went inside, and I invited him into Ben’s my office, where I planted my pirate flag and sat down in his my chair. We chatted for a few minutes while I opened up my laptop to check some email, until Ben and Greg walked in together. Ben came in and without any hesitation just knocked my pirate flag off his desk and pushed me out of his chair. I was really hoping we’d have an hour to chat alone, but with Kyle starting his first day and others trickling in, it just didn’t happen. We all sort of openly groaned about how disappointed we were in his response to the board last night, but I guess that’s just what we get for trying.

I made my way to the high school and started on a few things there. Most of it blurred together into a haze of meaningless work, but I know I got a couple docking stations swapped. It was uncharacteristically quiet for my hallway, but I wasn’t going to complain. I made my way back to the shop in case anyone wanted to have lunch, and Allen suggested Cici’s. He got Greg and Josh to go, and even Kyle and Melinda decided to join us. Summer took the day off from work and met us there to eat.

Kyle was kind of super awkward, though seemingly familiar. He kept making jokes about all the cops and Army fellows coming in because they heard about my act of piracy this morning, but I never saw anyone from the Navy.

After lunch, I started to go back to the high school but got roped into helping Allen get the bus yard gate open. I thought it would be an easy task, but then we both got trapped and had to call on Gary to let us out. I guess our garage door opener was failing, so he had to borrow one from maintenance to let us out.

Once I finally got back to the high school, the afternoon went by pretty quickly. I started pumping out flash drives for the student devices, and it was time to go before I knew it. I headed home to meet Richard from Dependable, and he poked around my air units to check for leaks. I’m not even sure he checked whether it was low, but he ended up adding some dye before he left, and said he would be back in a few weeks.

Summer came back shortly after, and I started picking up a tiny bit while she watched TV. I washed my comforter, warmed up some egg rolls, and made myself a salad with what she brought over. We spent the evening shopping and dreaming about cars, and it just made me sad to know how poor I am.

You know it’s going to be a long day when you start by commandeering the whole department.

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Wing It

We got up this morning and munched on some leftovers for brunch. The girls would be going with their father for the week, so Summer had them up and into some chores before I left. I went home to try and clean up a bit myself, but I just felt sapped pretty much all day for some reason. I had a little trouble getting to sleep last night, so it’s possible I just wasn’t well rested.

It took me a few trips, but I got everything unloaded from the car. I had to stop and clean up after the cat as soon as I got into the house, so I didn’t really get anything put away properly until later. Instead of getting things properly cleaned like I needed to, I got into tinkering with Plex until it was time to get a shower and meet back up with the girls.

Dad grilled chicken wings for Julie’s birthday party yesterday, so I met the girls over there for dinner. Their father showed up just a few minutes after we got there, so Summer sent them off and then came back in to eat with me. Infinity War was playing on the TV, so we watched the end of it before heading back to my house for the evening.

Just make the decision to be confident, and no one else will be the wiser.

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Rather Be Napping

Summer and I got up this morning and put together a big “everything” Italian loaf egg sandwich for breakfast. Autumn protested the eggs, but I convinced her to eat everything else by reminding her how many times she had gotten her way with food all week long.

As soon as we finished, I made Eaddie go outside to mow the lawn before it got any hotter. She didn’t do a great job of listening, and had to split the sweaty job with both Autumn and Summer, but I was glad to see Autumn volunteer. I got some bills paid and was going to go home to start on taxes, but just cleaned up a bit instead since I thought the girls would be staying the night.

I brought Summer’s string trimmer back with me and trimmed a little bit of the fence line before they all got back from shopping. They ended up making a pretty big supply run for her guests tomorrow. We all picked at some leftovers for dinner, and then Summer prepped some things for that while I put on Firefly.

Autumn went bowling with a girlfriend and her family, and I had to go pick her up when they finished. By the time we got back and settled in, it was too late to really go down to my house. Eaddie had already been asleep in bed for a while, but I bribed her out with an ice cream run.

We went to Sonic first, but were turned away because their ice cream machine was down. Then we went to Dairy Queen and spent even more on a couple Blizzards. Everyone was off to bed when we got back, and I spent a little time snoozing while Summer watched TV before we finally went to bed.

Nervous poops?

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Stiff Upper Lip

I got up this morning after a pretty decent night’s sleep and began another week of working from home. There wasn’t a whole lot going on, but we’re used to that by now. I took a break when Travis invited me to his Animal Crossing island, and he taught me how to bury fruit in holes to grow new trees.

Arby’s had another $1 special on roast beef sandwiches, so I left for lunch, took a shower, and took Summer some lunch. Then I made my way back to the girls so they could eat before I took Autumn to her physical therapy. While she was there, I went back home to clean up a bit more, then loaded up some of Dad’s tools from our bathroom demolition.

Autumn didn’t want to get out of the car, so I went up to return the tools and visit with my parents for just a little bit. Then we went back home to start dinner. I wanted to make refried beans and carnitas, but I had already run out of time as it was. The carnitas recipe was pretty simple, but I had Autumn help with some of the prep work.

At the end of the day, the food was really good, especially when lifted with some specialty Great Value salsa we found yesterday. Somewhere along the course of the day I got into something that had the middle of my upper lip swollen. It got worse as the evening progressed, and after a near-panic attack for seemingly no reason, I laid down in bed until everyone went to sleep.

I had started the beans after the carnitas were done, so I had to get out of bed to try and finish those. I blended them too early though, and ended up with more of a bean soup than anything else. I don’t know what was so different from last time, but I don’t recall having any liquid left after cooking. Hopefully leaving the thing on overnight won’t end horribly.

Relax. It’s fine, probably.

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Back to the Office

Today marked my first day back to the office in three weeks. I went by Casey’s to pick up a breakfast pizza, and they had made both of the pizzas I ordered for Monday and Tuesday. I wasn’t quick enough on my toes to think to just buy the second one off of them, so I just left with the one and went in to find Melinda, Zach, and Ben all in their usual spots.

It felt a little silly to be there at all since we basically were only manning the phones. Administration could have very easily just let any one of us be on-call while working from home, and have office calls forwarded to any of our phones. As usual, Zach seemed the most upset, and I couldn’t really blame him after only being out of the office for a couple of days.

I spent the first little while just kind of catching up on what all has happened in the last three weeks. Then I set up my mobile battle station in the conference room and chugged away at deleting duplicate Help Desk accounts. It was boring but kind of nice to be out somewhere else for a change.

We were only working half a day but still got a lunch break, so Zach took me through the Wendy’s drive-through, and we dropped some food off for Summer. We had only just gotten back to the shop to eat when Gary popped in for a bit. He shaved most of his beard off, and it was a pretty big shock for me. It kind of reinforced my own not wanting to do anything with any of my hair.

The afternoon went by pretty quickly as well, as we tuned in to the governor’s press conference. They officially closed brick and mortar schools for the remainder of the year. There’s no telling what kind of work we’ll have ahead of us now, but I’m sure it won’t be good. Only time could tell.

Autumn texted that she had a therapy appointment today, so I ran to get and deliver her. On the way, we saw that someone had hit the lifting gate at the railroad crossing. I ran home to clean up after the cat, then made it back in time to get Autumn back home.

Summer got there shortly after we did, and almost immediately got called back in to work to fix a broken bay door. She wanted me to drive, so I tagged along and actually proved myself useful by prying the motor pulley away from the housing that kept the motor bound and unable to move the door. Just as we got back, Summer received some more bad news that someone else is being quarantined, which brings the virus that much closer to home.

We grilled some pork chops for dinner along with some quick mashed potatoes and green beans that all turned out really great. Then Summer tried to relax in front of the TV for a bit before bed.

Eaddie and I finished the first season of Iron Fist, which went by much faster than Luke Cage did for me. I couldn’t really say I liked one over the other though, because they both felt hokey to me in their own ways.

Is that a ruttin’ rooster crowing at midnight?!?

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Visiting Home

I slept in today after a full night of anxious dreams about running for my life. When I finally got up, I spent some time working from home to make some remotely-accessible voicemail boxes for the ATCC. It’s been nice having cereal for breakfast occasionally, but today ended up being a bad day for dairy. I played a little Overwatch for a break and then continued working some more on duplicated clients in Web Help Desk.

Eventually I headed home to take care of things there. Zach called briefly for some help with his new AT&T bill after switching from Fi. I got the fish juggled around a bit more, paid some attention to the cat, and nearly suffocated my shrimp with carbonated water. Then I had a super long bath while playing Plague Inc. My COVID-19 virus wiped out humanity with ease. After all of that, I played some Overwatch with Jack, Johnny, and Clint.

The drive back up to Summer’s in the dead of night was a little eerie with so many businesses closed. The air was quiet, and there were hardly any cars on the road at all. Walmart, who has been open around the clock for the majority of my life at this point, was closed as well for restocking. It was quiet and peaceful, and made me nostalgic for my boring, early-to-bed youth. I almost wished the virus would stay a while.

When I got to Summer’s, I picked at some food while the kids watched The Simpsons, looked for some deals and resisted some retail therapy, and finally went to bed. The time really flew by today, and spring break hardly feels like a break at all.

USA’s government has fallen.

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Work Away From Home

I slept in a little bit today, but continued on working from home. The kids were up just minding their own business for the most part, so I had a little sandwich for lunch while I manually trudged through duplicate accounts in Web Help Desk. The day went by pretty quickly, but slowed down quite a bit in the evening. We finally got a bit of an official statement on what’s expected of us during the pandemic, and it looks like I’ll be out again all next week working from home. Summer’s still going to work herself, which only makes me angrier when she goes on about not feeling well. Keeping the kids cooped up seems at least half pointless if she’s going to keep going out in it. Part of me wonders if I should just truly self-quarantine at home.

She went straight to bed when she got home, so I brought out some leftovers for us to pick at. Then we watched Hitch until she was ready to go to sleep. I watched a couple episodes of Patriot Act, then played some Overwatch, and finally went to bed myself.

Maybe I’ll die from it.

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Coronavirus

We got up this morning and Autumn tried scrambling some eggs because she suddenly has an interest in a culinary class at votech. She basically protested the entire time Summer was telling her to cook breakfast, and she hates every food, but I’m trying to be positive and supportive. I took Noah to work and then went home for a while. Evidently I was exhausted, because I laid down and napped for a few hours before waking up pretty disoriented. I got progressively more phlegmy as the day went on, but hoped it was my usual allergy/CPAP combo.

I played a little Overwatch to wake up, cleaned up after the cat, and took a shower before heading back up to Summer’s. She made some chicken spaghetti since Walmart was completely out of ground beef, and it turned out really great. I helped by making some garlic bread, and all the kids seemed to really like the meal. After we ate, Autumn wanted to play some Monopoly, so we went a few rounds until Summer had to go to bed.

I stayed up and played a little Overwatch to earn some loot boxes while Noah and Eaddie stayed up watching scary movies. By the time I was ready for bed, I had quite a bit of junk in the top of my chest making me constantly clear my throat. Hopefully this isn’t the end of us all.

It’s funny how the “essential” employees that have to work all week during the pandemic closure are paid the least.

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Well Isn’t That Novel (Coronavirus 2019)

It was cooler and rainy today. Without any projects, I spent all day installing VPN plugins in case the high school staff needed to work from home due to the impending pandemic. I don’t know if this disease is any worse than usual, but I certainly don’t remember anything like this happening in the past. It could just seem worse because we’re so connected with the rest of the world these days.

Zach really wanted Brangus for lunch, so he, Gary, Greg, and I met Josh there to eat. I didn’t think it was anything special today, but it was nice eating a bit more food again.  Afterward, I ran around the high school some more, waiting to hear if they would shut down next week. So many other things have. The entire district has been printing packets of schoolwork in case the kids have to do some learning from home. We normally print around 50,000 pages a day in the district, but today we were up over 250,000 by the time I left.

I got home and waited for Summer to get off work so I could meet her at Planet Fitness. I thought maybe going to the gym together would make up for some of the time we lose in the evenings now that she works so late. She put me on a bike next to an arc machine for her, and we did about 30 minutes of that. I was really hoping to be able to talk more, but she was so focused on her workout that I felt like a distraction. Nobody in the place really spoke at all, so I just felt awkward for that on top of already feeling awkward just existing there. The bike was doable with some pain in my right knee, but when she took me to the weights I absolutely hated everything about it. She skipped that after a couple reps and took me back to look at the stretch station, but we ended up doing just a few minutes on a couple treadmills instead. She ended up having to cut it short, and I just decided to split.

On the way out, an immense feeling of sadness washed over me for some reason. I didn’t really understand why, but I suspected it was some combination of the weather, the emotionally trying week, and being exhausted from the roughly eight hours of sleep I’d had since Monday. I went home and laid down for a while before having a long bath and then heading to bed late again.

Maybe I’m only introverted here.

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Finding Value

I laid in bed for a couple hours but didn’t sleep a wink. The sound of thunderstorms echoed from my Google Home speakers just as the storm raged behind my eyelids; synapses firing constantly with every burning question and emotion. I could feel my eyes darting back and forth, jittering at lightning speed. Frustrated, I eventually just got up and played more Overwatch to try and occupy my mind. I figured there was no sense in burning cycles trying to understand a truth that wasn’t my own. The only thing I could possibly do was make assumptions, which would only serve to bounce around in my head forever, wasting even more time. I could never really know Summer’s truth, because she would say one thing and feel another.

Eventually I got out with the sun and went to retrieve those things – those bigger things that I had brought over for my family. Being financially-minded, I tried to provide nice things so that Summer could focus on paying down her debts instead. I never did get to actually witness that looming mountain of debt. I only heard stories, as though it was a fictional giant in some kind of fairytale. I just wanted to make sure my family had more than we needed. I thought that actually providing for the family was speaking louder than any words I could possibly muster, but Summer found no value at all in what I provided. If words were all she really wanted, then I accepted the trade and wrote letters to take the place of things I took back. It was over a couple grand worth of just stuff around the house, not to mention the thousands of more dollars invested in things for our family to do, like season passes to Magic Springs, a family set of bicycles, a kayak, a motorcycle, or my own family’s reservation for another hotel room on our planned trip to Eureka Springs in two weeks. Neither one of our houses could even contain it all, so it remained split.

Wanting to know the truth is what drove me mad in the past. I could never understand what motivated Sarah to treat me the way she did. I could only assume it was for her own benefit, either as emotional support, or some kind of backup plan in case something else went sideways. Summer never seemed particularly motivated. She expressed that she only wanted to do things to please me, constantly. She wanted to tell me nice things and do things for me, but she would never accept that I simply loved her the way she was. She projected how she wanted to be treated onto me, and could never see past that singular vision. Conversely, she seemingly wanted to change who I was from the start. Surely, she helped me regain some of what I had lost, but she would never accept me for who I was. She said that she did, but then acted differently, or got upset when I didn’t change enough for her liking.

In the end of it all, it certainly feels as though she was just looking for a reason to leave, or at least looking to see where else she could go. Fussing over who texted who first in the day felt petty. Saying she had to force herself not to text me first just to see if I would text her was passive-aggressive at best. Saying that by not giving holiday gifts I made her feel guilty was completely contrived after tabulating how much money I had spent on her and the kids over the course of our relationship. I always told her that if she didn’t want to be with me, she didn’t have to make an excuse. She could just not be. It wasn’t that I didn’t want her, but rather that I knew I couldn’t really make her feel any kind of way about me. We had to meet in the middle, and all this time I thought we had been.

Even before we dated, I told her that girls tend to jump from relationship to relationship with relative ease, and that guys tend to fall harder than girls. We both fell into stereotypes, and couldn’t communicate effectively enough to break that barrier. Communication is a two-way street though, and she refused any suggestions of counseling to work through her own grief from the past. I would have done anything to help us communicate better, but she outright refused at every single turn. In the end, I have to accept that there are things I can do, and things that I cannot.

I ended the day with a walk to Allen’s house where we did a lot of man-hugging. He gets a little too woman-hatey to be honest, but he’s always there for me as a pillar of support. I certainly did not rebound to some mystery woman that wanted to help me grow stronger, and after two days of spilling my guts, I kind of feel like I’m just screaming at a wall expecting it to budge.

Maybe the only way to move on is to just forget.

And maybe we’ll try sobriety again tomorrow.