Tag: depression

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Re-Store

I struggled to get rolling this morning, but I had one big task I wanted to complete, which was getting blood drawn for my upcoming appointment. I had some leftover hibachi stuff I had made on the grill, then got cleaned up for a trip out. Eaddie was trapped cleaning her room all day, so I took Muad’Dib and went to the hospital.

As luck would have it, the Genesis Cancer and Blood Institute was closed today. It didn’t even cross my mind to check their hours, but evidently they’re only there Tuesday through Thursday. We left there and ended up going to Summer’s storage unit on a whim just to see what she had moved.

After a few frustrating minutes of finding my way into the facility, locating the building, and then locating the storage unit, I was in. She had rented a fairly large space and piled up a few boxes of my stuff in the corner. It seemed to take her multiple trips in her Model Y, so I was worried at first, but I was able to fit all of it in my Model 3 even with the dog in the back seat. We headed home and I told her to cancel the rental.

I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening going through my stuff, reorganizing and familiarizing myself with where things were. Being highly dependent upon spatial awareness, having my shit moved is incredibly jarring. I managed to figure out most of it, and separated a few things to sell in the process. At one point I started digging through the dog’s locker and had a pretty quick anxiety attack.

Eaddie left for the gym and Summer got home late after closing the lube. It started thunderstorming just as I had decided to take Muad’Dib out for an acoustic walk, so we were stuck inside. He hadn’t had a good run in a week, so he took a long bathroom break out in the rain, and I decided to give him a good bath. He did fairly well, but then got distracted when the kids got home and ate a bunch of leftovers.

Summer has a run sometime tomorrow, but with the storm rolling through, it’s anyone’s guess what actually happens.

What a Shock. Top dinner.

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Get It, Snap It, Try It, Write It, Sell It, Trash It, Carbonate It

Muad’Dib must be putting on some weight, because I could hardly move with him on top of my covers all night. I got up shortly after Summer left for work, and got into moving stuff around again. I stopped for a slice of rye with mustard and pastrami, honey roasted turkey breast, and provolone for brunch, then took an early shower so I could keep cleaning and organizing.

I was in and out of the house quite a bit, and had to get into my car a couple of times. Muad’Dib thought we were going on an adventure and hopped right in, then refused to get out, so I gave in to him and drove us to Superfast to see if Summer needed anything. She was in the pit when we got there, and Muad’Dib ran all over trying to find the location of her voice. She asked for some soda water, so we crossed the street to get some from Walgreens. If I had thought of it sooner, we might have walked, but I didn’t have a leash to tie him up anyway.

While I was in the store, I spotted a big bag of Skittles with the original/superior/correct flavor of lime for the green ones. I also tried some peanut butter and jelly M&Ms, but I found the jelly to be lacking. We delivered Summer’s water, then went to Sonic for some onion rings and a slush before we made it back home.

Eaddie was gone all day, so I just kept going through stuff by myself. Muad’Dib was intermittently in the way, but overall a good boy. At some point, I pulled out one of the new smart locks I got from Vine and tried to swap out the lock on the front door. This one has a doorbell, camera, and fingerprint sensor on it, which seems better than just a PIN code. I wrapped that up just as Summer got home from work.

She took a bath and did some more work on her laptop for quite a while, so I dug out a SodaStream adapter for my large CO2 tank and filled up every single bottle I could find. I’m pretty sure I found them all, and I’m glad that I did, because I paid $2 for her can of sparkling water earlier today, and she’s been drinking it every day.

Summer had some leftover rice while I finished bottling her water. Then I sat down myself and had the last piece of fried chicken and some leftover mashed potatoes from whenever she last made mashed potatoes. I couldn’t remember, but they didn’t smell bad. She went straight to bed after that, and nearly passed right out. I tried not to stay up too late, but got a couple reviews done until Eaddie finally made it home.

Technoholic

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Forty Nights

I got up to clean some more today. I finished up the assortment of bologna sandwich fixings for an early lunch, then took a shower so I could go to town. I had to take my Onewheel to UPS, but I needed to print the shipping label first, so Muad’Dib and I went to Superfast to have Summer do that. They were working on their rebranding stuff, so she was out back cleaning up a bunch of stuff when we found her.

With the shipping label in hand, we headed across town to The UPS Store and dropped off my Onewheel. Then we went to the Neighborhood Market to figure out what to do for dinner. I went straight to the protein to see what deals I could find, and picked up a couple packages of chicken wings, a rump roast, and some ahi tuna. Then I went back and got some smoked sausages and veggies for an assortment of things to cook on the smoker and flattop.

We made it home and I quickly prepped the Gravity grill to smoke the wings, beef, and sausages. I split the wings into lemon pepper and left some with just salt and pepper so Eaddie and I could toss them in Buffalo sauce. I peppered the heck out of the roast to try and give it a nice bark, and threw the sausages in for an easy addon. I steamed some rice and prepped the zucchini, squash, onions, mushrooms, snap peas, and jalapeños. I don’t think I’d ever actually made fried rice on the flattop before, and I figured it was a good day to try.

Summer eventually made it home and brought some broccoli and cauliflower for me to grill as well. I took the beef off the smoker and cubed it to sear with the veggies. It looked incredible for being smoked for such a short amount of time. I pulled the wings off to make some room, then went through three rounds of cooking on the flattop before it was all done. I cooked the tuna last, just as a fun extra.

The girls seemed to love the food. I thought it turned out pretty good, but I was too scattered to take notes on how to improve next time. I juggled a lot, and was glad Summer didn’t mind prepping the veggies she brought home after her long day at work.

After dinner, we cleaned up and I laid down with Summer for a while and watched part of Airplane! on the live Roku channel. Eaddie went to the gym, then brought Eli over to eat some of our leftovers. It was pretty quiet after that, but the night flew by and it was later than it seemed. I think it was a pretty good day.

If I were a fish and you caught me, you’d say, “Look at that fish!” Shimmering in the sun; such a rare one. Can’t believe that you caught one!

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hole in one

I made myself another bologna sandwich for brunch, then started picking through things to find their permanent homes. That left things pretty scattered. I got a notification that Summer had low pressure in one of her tires, and by the time I got her on the phone, it had dropped 20 more pounds. She stopped in Maumelle and eventually worked out a tow because she didn’t have the emergency jack in her car.

I started putting together the nicer shoe storage rack I got from Vine, and it was way more involved than I expected. Eaddie was slow to get around, but came out to eat some leftover pizza just after Summer and I decided to get a bucket of chicken.

Summer picked up the food on the way home and we ate in tense air. Eaddie kept complaining about how she didn’t like KFC. They gave us all dark meat for some reason, so we didn’t get any breasts or wings. Summer cleaned up and went to bed while Eaddie went to the gym and I finished up the shoe rack. I continued to organize, but left the shoe rack empty so Eaddie could organize her own shoes how she wanted them.

I think that even Sisyphus would hate his uphill climb.

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wasted space

I slept hard with hard dreams. Summer went to work in Conway after cancelling her oncology appointment. Eaddie left to meet with her advisor and make her class schedule. I managed to get out of bed and make a bologna sandwich to eat over the sink.

It was quiet all day, so I finished my new hire paperwork and then did my best to motivate myself to clean. The kids eventually came back, and Eaddie started some laundry while they watched TV. I climbed around and scrubbed some difficult spots in the shower. Summer had a relatively short day, so we planned to meet at Cici’s for an early dinner.

The kids and I met her there after she finished at the gym. While we were eating, I spotted Josh as he came in to meet his wife and kids. We had a laugh about him still not having his house finished. Then Eaddie rode home with Summer, and Eli and I took the fast car home.

I tried to take Muad’Dib out for a run later in the evening, but the Onewheel appeared dead. I couldn’t get any lights out of it. We came back in and I had a pretty heavy anxiety attack while vacuuming his fur. It was a short night after that.

☀️—————————🌎󠀠󠀠————————🌘————————-☄️

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On Hopes and Incense

Summer went to the gym and Eaddie went to church. I had a slice of pizza left over from I know not when, and then showered in time to get to Lelan’s to help grill pork chops before everyone else showed up. It was the second Ngày Giỗ since Bác Vân’s passing, and she had me grill pork chops and an assortment of sausages to add to the smorgasbord of other traditional and favorite dishes they would offer to those in the Great Beyond. The girls showed up after Summer finished mowing the lawn. Julie and Kevin arrived pretty close to the agreed-upon time. Our parents were, as expected, last.

Those who chose to, prayed. Dad made it a point not to, out of respect for his own faith. There didn’t seem to be any difference to me whether you prayed to a deity with or without incense, but I carried that learned respect with me when it came time to bless the food. I felt the emotion and the want, but I knew that to me, there was only the present, and I was there to enjoy the company of my family.

We visited as we waited for the incense to self-extinguish. There was something very traditional about sharing cold dishes after they had been offered to those passed. Lelan evidently didn’t get the message about my customary flattened, boiled eggs, and with fewer and fewer people upholding these traditions, I wondered who would slice The Sausage that I Like™ to eat with steamed rice on the anniversary of my own passing.

I didn’t love that Randall wasn’t there, but he is also a man of many cultures. At least having fewer people made eating around the table easier. After we ate, Dad had a slideshow of a trip to Europe they took before I was born. I was neither nostalgic nor sentimental about any of it, but we did eventually find a photo of me in a bunny costume.

When we all parted ways, Lelan, Stephen, Mom, and Dad all headed to the cemetery. I ran home first to get Muad’Dib, since I figured it was important that somebody new should be a part of the tradition. Once Mom and Dad showed up, they burned some more incense and offered fruit as, I suppose, dessert. We stood in the shade and visited until the incense burned out, and then we all went home.

I stopped at Casey’s to redeem a free drink and ran into Rusty, riding home from a day’s work at Atwood’s, on a small Shadow. We chatted for a little while before I eventually made it home. Eaddie had left again, so I talked Summer into going swimming at my parents’ house. We took Muad’Dib along, and Mom was watering plants when we got there. The pool was just about perfect, but we couldn’t convince Muad’Dib to dip his toes in the water.

We headed home after dark, and Summer went straight to bed. Eaddie came home really late and talked to me for a long while. She shared about her own day out, and then tried to help by telling me to be selfish and buy a sailboat. We talked about dreams, expectations, and the paralysis of choice. It doesn’t seem to me that there is a real choice, so for now, we’ll all float on.

Good news is on the way.

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Baths All Around

I couldn’t leave Muad’Dib outside, so I brought him in for a vacuum to get some of the smelly dirt off of him, then washed his paws in the tub. By the end of it, I was satisfied enough to let him sleep with us. We slept in pretty late, too. When I finally got up, I warmed my leftover SuperSONIC Breakfast Burrito in a skillet, then continued to tinker with more Vine stuff. I started to feel a little sick and decided to take a bubble bath to relax for a while, and as soon as I got settled in, Summer asked if I wanted to get lunch with her.

We ended up going out for an early dinner, not long after Eaddie woke up and made herself some ramen. I drove to Mulan’s to meet her like she said, but had to wait 25 minutes for her to show up because she thought “I need to get dressed” meant it would take me so long that I would have to tell her when I was on the way.

Dinner was pretty good, but I’ve been stuffed all week. As we left, there was a big wreck on Main and Knoxville that had traffic diverted, so I spun around and went back up to Parkway. We got home and Summer had a bath. I tried to keep up with Vine reviews as multiple deliveries arrived today, and I eventually took Muad’Dib out for a run.

We made pretty decent time for how hot it was. We got chased down by a dog that slipped away from its owner, so we turned around to return it. I was proud of Muad’Dib for minding so well. We got around to my parents’ house and visited very briefly before making it home.

It was time to give Muad’Dib another proper bath with some new shampoo I got from Vine. He was immediately warry, and hid from me outside when we got home. Eaddie got him back inside and I vacuumed him, bathed him, blow dried him outside, then vacuumed him some more before bed.1

I was up quite a while later, finishing up some more reviews and getting lost in thoughts. A somber weekend approaches.

Thinkin’ how you left me for dead.

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Back to the House

I decided to take this morning super easy because none of the breakout sessions have been revelations. I got everything packed up and checked out just in time to get a car wash and make it to the Junior Academy just in time for a late lunch. I found Ben, who had already eaten, and sat down for some catfish and chicken strips. It was pretty good for HSTI.

I went to the Q&A session with DIS, then waited for door prizes. Randy and Kyle were gone by the time I left the hotel, so when they called Kyle’s name for an Igloo cooler, I volunteered to take it to him. I got out, had another car wash, then stopped at Sam’s Club to get some booze for Summer.

The drive home was a pretty good mix. I stopped to get some spring water, then let FSD take me through Hot Springs Village. Once I hit the twisties, I started passing cars and doubling the speed limit. I got stuck behind a couple of slow people for a short while, but overall I was able to pass easily.

Julie called about weekend funeral plans, and I had to stop at McDonald’s for a restroom break in Dardanelle. I eventually made it to the house, unloaded, greeted Muad’Dib, and then found Summer once she was out of the shower. I barely had enough time to unpack before we had to load up and go to Witherspoon for Eaddie’s band camp concert.

Summer wanted to watch all of the bands, so we sat through two shows before Eaddie got on stage. They did well, and then we went back to the house where Summer went straight to bed. I unboxed all of the Vine stuff that came in while I was away, and then went to bed myself.

But home is where the heart is, so your real home’s in your chest.

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Welcome to My Level

Summer had to check Eaddie in to band camp this morning, and then went to the gym. I worked on more Vine reviews and then took a shower. I talked to Dad about what he might want to do for Father’s Day, and he ultimately landed on pizza. Julie and Kevin were out of town, so it would just be Summer and me to come over.

We thought we might walk, but it started to rain and we decided to take him in the car anyway. It was a pretty short visit. We ate and then went back home so I could continue cleaning up and working on reviews before my conference week. I tried to wait until it got a little cooler and then took Muad’Dib out for a run. I thought we’d go by the Neighborhood Market to drop off some recycling that had been sitting in the laundry room. We generate so many plastic bags, but I don’t even remember the last time I went to Walmart to be able to recycle them.

On the ride down, I had a pretty wild anxiety attack. I was riding down the hill and then became super disoriented. I remember seeing the street sign and then just used muscle memory to guide me on down the road. I shook it off and we made it to the store without any more trouble. It didn’t take long to drop off the bags, though I wish they would put their bin back by the front door so I wouldn’t have to keep walking it in to the service desk.

We rode back to our normal path, but avoided the flooded basin. We visited my parents again, and I dipped my feet in the pool while I tried washing some of the dirt off of Muad’Dib’s paws. We got home and I took him to the bathtub just to scrub his feet, and he didn’t protest too much. It seemed like Summer started to feel the stress I’d been feeling for the past several months, so we talked very briefly and then just sat together for a bit before I continued cleaning.

I got a load of laundry done and packed way too late, so I got to bed about two hours later than I wanted. I’ll let the adrenaline of Highway 7 wake me up in the morning.

But you turned into a pretty big waste of my time.

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Just Quit Already

Last night was the first night I slept in my own bed since we bought the house. I just needed some time and space to ground myself. I made it to work and looked at my new-hire stuff for Bitec, then talked to Randy about it. He was immediately supportive, and we chatted for a bit before I went back to my desk to draft let Gemini draft a resignation letter.

It was pretty quiet after that. I spent more time working on my paperwork than anything for actual work. By lunch time, it had started to rain pretty heavily. Randy drove Jay and me to BJ’s where we met Kyle and Jim for some white people food. It stopped raining by the time we left, but we were already pretty soaked.

After lunch, I told Maggie about my job offer, and after some quick math, we determined that today was essentially my last real day at work. I have a conference in Hot Springs all next week, followed by a couple sick days for Summer’s oncology appointment, and finally two vacation days. I’ll only have one day left after that, so I might as well take a sick day. I spent the rest of the day packing up my things so I could take them home.

The afternoon actually went by pretty slowly, as the rain started again. Summer said she was making dinner, and Maristella was there with Eaddie. Traffic was super bad through Conway, but I eventually made it home. She made pork chops, green beans, and mashed potatoes that were all pretty good.

After dinner, I took Muad’Dib for a run to try and avoid any more rain. We went around the basin trail because I was afraid it might have flooded, and on the way out of that area we saw my parents drive by. We tried to follow them, assuming they were going to the Neighborhood Market, but they weren’t. We sat at a bench there, realized they were already back home, and headed back across town to find them.

After a quick dip in the creek, we visited my parents. Then we made it home where Summer and I had a chat outside on the porch. Neither of us have a clue how to make any of this right, and both of us are miserable. It was actually a bit of a relief that she admitted it herself. I don’t know whether any of it can be made better, but all I really hope is to find some common ground where we can stop resenting each other all of the time.

Of course the evening after that wouldn’t have been complete without its own unique set of frustrations. I’ve been at the point, for a while, where I truly don’t know what the preferred outcome would be. Timing is everything, and that fucking sucks.

I wrapped it all up by giving Muad’Dib a bath, since he had taken a dip in the creek on our run. I had an anxiety attack in the middle of it, but that’s just life now. He hated the bath, but then he loved being vacuumed, and the bow on top was wrestling with me and Eaddie before bed.

kys