Tag: depression

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Unbreakable

I woke up just before my alarm this morning and made it to work pretty early. I really thought I had to get Jim’s imaging issue fixed, but he called me away to babysit a Google Meet interview in the boardroom. You would think with so many educated people in a room, they could figure out how to click the button to join a meeting. I wasn’t even that surprised to find it was the interviewee who couldn’t figure out how to show our video, but I could at least have the chief of staff pull the Meet up on his phone and prove that our video was broadcasting correctly.

After that, I decided to give Captain D’s a try since I was already on that side of town. The girl at the counter could not have been more disinterested, but somehow the food was really great. I stopped at Walmart for some drinks on the way back to the office, and finished out the day in relative quiet. I had also picked up some dog food on clearance, but was overcharged, so I stopped by Walmart again on my way out of town to correct that.

I got home and Summer and the kids were on the couch watching gymnastics. I went out to play with Muad’Dib for a bit. Eaddie left to go stay the night with her father, and Summer came outside to sit with me for a little bit. Things have been super volatile, which made it a terrible time to try and discuss any of our issues, so she yelled at me and stormed off. I gave her a minute before following her to the living room, and she yelled at me a bunch more. That was when I saw she had gotten a new tattoo that said “Unbreakable” on her left forearm, and it crushed me.

Once we had cooled off, she sent me to take Muad’Dib for a run. He did great, didn’t chase any geese, and got to play in the creek for a little while since I just needed to be in the air for a little while. We made it over to my parents’ house to visit with them, and he got some more leftover pork before we headed home. Mom had leftover bún thang, so I asked Summer to come have dinner with them. We used to go visit much more often, and it’s been a big issue for me that it seems like she never wants to make the time with my family. I explained this again, and was super happy that she agreed this time. It was a great visit and great food.

We talked a bunch more when we got home, and things shifted from good to bad and back again several times. I got some laundry done, and she got some sleep before her 5k in Dover tomorrow. I was ready to pass out at any moment, but had things to do.

You gotta give them to the land

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Waning Crescent

I woke up shaking with anxiety this morning that followed me most of the way to work. It eventually leveled out, which was good because Gary tried to help a lady in the office with a printer issue, and it quickly became my problem. Luckily Kyle walked in and it then became his problem when we discovered the switch port was tagged incorrectly, and the printer had been set up differently than whatever standard they eventually chose.

I fought slow deployment tests all day, but took a break to take Maggie to lunch with Jim. Somehow when I pay for her, we end up spending enough to feed three or four people, but it was her birthday. They both asked about Summer after I took the day off, so I shared a little bit of what we’ve been working through, and Jim joked that it sounded like we were married.

The afternoon went by pretty quickly and my single image test failed what I was trying to accomplish. On the way out, I got to see the giant lizard Maggie told me was living under the sidewalk. I headed home through some fairly slow traffic, stopping in Atkins to swing through Casey’s to redeem a freebie. Summer and I had discussed dinner earlier in the morning, so she had a shepherd’s pie in the oven when I got home. She was sitting at the dinner table doing some work on her laptop with a look on her face, so we talked a bunch more.

We mostly talked in circles over the same things. She said she was taking some time away from work just to stay away from the public for a bit, and I was glad she got to see some support from her team and leadership. I don’t think any of the talking was actually helping at that point since we’ve always had trouble communicating. We stopped for dinner with Eaddie, and the shepherd’s pie turned out awesome. Afterward she had to go to Tech to prepare for a concert. I tried to take Muad’Dib out for a run, but it started raining and we ended up sitting on the porch together instead. Summer came out and we got burned out from talking again, so we loaded up to go watch Eaddie’s Tech concert.

The concert was long, but the band was great. We were both pretty exhausted from the stress and the lack of sleep. I know my head dropped at least once while I had my eyes closed, listening to the music. We got home, shared some drinks, and wound down quickly for bed.

I got my change behind the bed, in a coffee can I throw my nickels in. ☄️

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Whiskey Business

I was absolutely riddled with anxiety all day long. MacLeod got me to work safely and I did my best to settle in. I’ve been really surprised at how quiet things have been, and I wondered when the techs actually got any work done since Jimmy and Gary have been spending nearly all day, every day at the office. I got into the script server to run a manual sync for a new sub, which prompted a call from Randy while he was out on bereavement. I had it handled, so all was well.

Time seemed completely irrelevant, and I continued to wring my hands and tap my feet because I think I knew what was coming. I skipped lunch and tried to focus on Mosyle until I had to stop and help Jim with an OS deployment on one of the new Acers he got for the high school.

The drive home was the worst, as tics slowly took over all motor control. Then, as if I had been building up to this moment all day long, Shawna texted and then called to set expectations. Selfishly involving her in our own troubles had caused more harm than the help I was meant to provide for her. It would have been different with any other person in the universe, but there was no way she had thought of me the way I had thought of her for all this time. I couldn’t help but to freefall.

By the time I got inside, I was shaking pretty violently. Summer was warming up leftover spaghetti for dinner, but found me shivering in the corner of the closet. I don’t know how long we talked from that point, but after an anxiety attack, I wasn’t in a position to interfere with anyone or anything else. I quickly found the Fireball to keep myself from making any surprise trips out of town, and sat down to eat with Summer.

After our expectedly awkward dinner, I took Muad’Dib out for a run. He was amazing even when we encountered other dogs, including a loose poodle around the basin. He took a quick dip in the creek, and then we went back up and through the roundabout before making our way to my parents’ house. Dad came out with some leftover pork loin for him, and then we made it home where Summer and I sat out on the porch together for a bit.

The evening wound down pretty quickly after that since I wasn’t fit to put much brain power into anything else. Eaddie got home late and came to visit me briefly, and I eventually found my way to bed.

But what if it had actually worked???

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101 Problems

Summer got up and finally made the Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits that followed us in the move from her old house, along with sausage patties and eggs. Of course I got up too late and had to wait an hour after taking my medicine to eat, but the food was still good. Eaddie got up and went out with Eli, and I just tried to spend a bunch of time with Summer.

The weather wasn’t looking great, but it never got bad here. I started some laundry and then took Muad’Dib out for a run before it started raining. We took our normal route backwards so he could visit Dad before we went to basin to play in the creek. It was a really good run, but Summer had been simmering all day long. We both had some drinks to get some emotion flowing, and we tried to put together some cheap furniture I got from Amazon Vine.

I eventually threw a pizza in the oven so we wouldn’t be drinking all of our dinner, and as usual, things were good until they weren’t. Summer has been so vacant and depressed lately, but also belligerent any time I’ve tried to get her to think positively about herself. I’ve been exhausted by it after this many years, and through my own efforts of transparency, it ended up pushing Shawna to withdraw herself from the situation. Not willing to leave well enough alone, Summer reached out to her and had her call me, so I made Summer sit with me while we talked on speakerphone. It seemed like a pretty good conversation to me, but of course Summer was still mostly absent. Hopefully they can find something to bond over if they follow through with dinner later this week, because I’m drowning and I can’t handle her alone.

It’s a war of attrition.

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Swing, Swing, Swing

I went to bed super late and woke up when Summer made her coffee so I wouldn’t waste the day. We spent some time with the dog, and then she went to the gym while I tried to clean things up a bit. Suzanne and her godmother came over to return the old turtle tank I gave her, but I ended up telling her to just sell it and keep the money rather than let me put it into storage since I still have two large tanks that are unused.

Eaddie went out with Eli for an Easter service, and Summer and I eventually made it to the Neighborhood Market to get stuff to make salads and spaghetti for dinner. When we got home, I continued cleaning while she cooked. Then I took Muad’Dib out for a good run and returned Dad’s sledgehammer. I felt like that extra weight made my feet hurt on the Onewheel even more than usual.

The kids got home and we all sat down to eat a really great spaghetti dinner, and everything turned out really great. Summer cleaned up afterward, as I dealt with some minor aggravations. Later on, Eaddie went to chat with Summer in bed for a while, then came to talk to me as well. We ended up going to sit in the living room and had a great talk for a couple of hours until I started trying to fall asleep.

I should have known from the start.

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Death and Taxes

Summer was basically attached to me all night, but the one time she wasn’t, she awoke in a panic and screamed for me, which jarred me awake. We made it through the night though, and I made her a latte when we got up. She went to the gym and wanted to come home to do yard work while I picked up around the house. She got stuff to make a slow cooker gumbo for dinner, I did a bunch of Vine reviews, and then I took Muad’Dib out for a slightly early run.

He wasn’t running super fast, but he came up behind me and touched the back of my legs, which scared me into thinking I was running over him, and I wiped out. The only damaged appeared to be a bruised left heel, which hurt the rest of the evening. We visited my parents, who were getting ready to go to the movies, but The Chosen was evidently sold out by the time they got there.

We made it home and I started working on my taxes until dinner was ready. Eli came over and the four of us had a great meal, then I went back to taxes. My Amazon Vine income has caused some confusion, because evidently I can claim that as a part of a business for some deductions, but Cash App Taxes seemed to input a Qualified Business Income number out of nowhere. I didn’t want to be up too late trying to learn tax law, so it would have to wait for the next day.

Well I can’t quit procrastinating now!

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The Umpire Strikes Back

I had a belly ache for most of the day after eating two buffets yesterday. I got to work and everyone was already burned out for the week. I actually tried being a little productive at first, with a cup of black coffee to get things moving. Just as I finished that, Randy announced that he was going to Burns Park to watch some autistic kids play softball, and invited me along.

I welcomed the change of scenery, and we drove out to the park to check things out. Jim was out there helping. The sun was shining and the wind was blowing, which caused some of the sand to kick up into the air. It was still a beautiful day to be outside, and we watched as they finished up their activity day.

We were a little early to get to lunch, so Randy drove me around the whole park, which was pretty neat. Then we slowly made it across town to Brewski’s where we met Maggie, Kyle, Jay, Corey, and Hunter. I thought I’d get out cheap by splitting some wings with Maggie, but what she ordered ended up being well over $20. I should have just stuck to myself. I was still stuffed, but the wings were pretty good.

The afternoon was pretty dull back at the office. I walked out a few minutes early so I could get home to Muad’Dib. I really wanted to take him to the lake and then get him a bath so he could come inside. Summer was supposed to go, but was an hour late getting home, and said she was tired and in pain. Ben called me while I was outside with Muad’Dib, so we talked for a while. Then I ended up just taking him out for our normal run, and he did much better than yesterday. I think he just needed a day to recover. We stopped at the basin and I raked out a bunch of the hair he was losing.

My parents weren’t home, so we continued on toward home where we crossed paths with Tasha, her husband, and baby who were all out walking their tiny dog. I stopped to chat with her for a little while, then made it home for the night. Summer was laid out on the couch, so I sat down with her and tried to watch the Netflix Kill Tony episode, but it was pretty awful. Then I put on Resident Alien and got a few laughs. She was done after that. Eaddie was out pretty late with Eli, but I caught a glimpse as she made it home just before I went to bed.

So let us stop talkin’ falsely now.

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Heavy Stuff

Muad’Dib ended up staying inside again last night, and he tore up some stuff in the living room. I stepped on a wet spot, but it turned out to be a cup of water someone left in the sunroom. One of the stuffed cows lost an eye, and he completely destroyed the 3D-printed heart gears that I had made. Other than that, it was just some packing material I had saved.

I was a little worried I was going to be late to work, but I had a tailwind and got there just a little after seven. It wasn’t very long before we had to run to the high school because FedEx showed up unannounced to deliver three big, heavy pallets of Chromebooks. Jim took Randy and me over to help move them, but we really didn’t need to be there. The truck driver fussed about making it to the loading dock, and showed up with a bit of an attitude after Maggie had called his supervisor. He did fine, so I don’t know what all of that was about.

I met with Randy and Kyle a little later in the afternoon to talk about some of the new cybersecurity guidelines we have to follow. We had a Tacos 4 Life bar from Genesis for lunch, and it was cool that they actually had the chafing dishes to keep the food warm. After that, they sent everyone home due to some incoming storms.

Randy let me go particularly early since storms were coming from my direction. It never really got bad for us though. It rained heavily for a bit, and we had some thunder and lightning. I hurriedly ran with Muad’Dib just as it started to sprinkle. We saw Dad briefly and then made it home. Summer was there and we went to the Neighborhood Market to pick up a couple things for dinner.

Eaddie got home just as we did, and we went outside to play with Muad’Dib for a bit and listen to the rain. Eaddie had a band thing scheduled, so I drove her to Tech only to find that it had been cancelled because they had no power. We had a good chat during the drive though, and it makes me so happy to hear how emotionally intelligent and smart she is.

When we got back, I sat by the tub with Summer so we could talk for a while. Then she got up and fried some potatoes and onions while I got the grill going with some premade burger patties and corn. It was a good, quick dinner and Muad’Dib sat under the table so calmly to accept scraps. Then everyone went to bed pretty quickly after that.

Naders are comin’!

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What Is

I got very little sleep last night, but made it to work at a “normally” late time. It was not a day for accomplishments. I went to McDonald’s with Randy for some breakfast and had a steak, egg, and cheese bagel. That got me through to a late lunch with him and Jim at Louisiana Famous Fried Chicken just up the road. They liked their food pretty well, but my jambalaya was poured over rice that simply wasn’t cooked.

I guess the afternoon went by pretty quickly. I charged a little extra last night so I wouldn’t have to stop on the way home now that my free Supercharging is expired. I took Muad’Dib out for a run and did two laps of our usual course while I took a phone call

Completely out of the blue, Shawna sent me a friend request over the weekend, so I entertained her message, fully expecting to be phished or scammed in some way. To my absolute surprise, it really was her, so we had been catching up since Sunday. I think in hindsight, that conversation went fairly predictably. Then, again by chance, I got a call from Johnny and I talked to him for a bit as we made our way to my parents’ house to see Dad, who had gone out for a flight with Julie since she earned her next step in her licensure.

We made it home for the night and I brushed him out. I desperately wanted to take him for a bath so he could stay inside for the night, but we dawdled too long and didn’t make it. I threw myself a pity party and reminisced as I gathered myself for bed.

What Should Never Be

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Curb Your Enthusiasm

I was super late for work today because somebody went off the road just after Menifee. We were dead-stopped for several minutes, and as I finally approached the scene of the accident, there was dirt all over the road. I was so late that I decided to stop in Conway to charge back up to 80% so I wouldn’t be stuck doing it after work, and could drive straight home. Traffic was stop-and-go after Conway too, so I was just over an hour late in total.

There wasn’t much going on in the office. I mostly fought Jim’s laptop that wouldn’t image, and I figured it was a drive failure since I could image anything else. There was still some leftover Corky’s “BBQ” in the fridge, so I eventually just ate a bunch of that at my desk for lunch.

It was rainy all day, but mostly dry by quitting time. I worked a little bit late to make up for being late, and then made it home to run the dogs. I thought they had gone missing earlier in the day, but Summer said they were still in the yard. Normally they come running when they hear me on the cameras, but not so this afternoon. They had a good run with me though. I was a little worried about Muad’Dib because he hadn’t eaten the last three or so meals Summer had given him. He didn’t care for his little bone treats either. He still pooped a little, and he didn’t have a problem with his hot dog, so I messed with his new slow feeder. I think he may have been bothered by the raised portions, because once I lowered them and made it easier for him to eat, he finished his whole bowl.

The girls made tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches, but I wasn’t very hungry and just skipped it entirely. I felt a bit bothered most of the evening, so it was a quiet night until bedtime.

All Filler