Tag: depression

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The Patriarchy

I got to work pretty early this morning after a reasonably focused and optimistic drive in, but I could feel myself slipping pretty early. I slunk down in the back and accomplished one task by accident, and there was hardly a soul around to pat me on the back for it. I plowed right through into the afternoon, but decided to get up to take a break for a Big Mac not long before quitting time. I ended up staying a little bit late anyway just to kill some time before I could meet up with Mitch, who was in town for work.

I made it over to his hotel and found a free charger at the Tropical Smoothie where I waited for him to get off work. Then we drove across town toward Southern Tail Brewing, stopping first at Stone’s Throw Brewing for a quick flight and to see if one of Mitch’s old friends was working. We finished there and got to the restaurant where service was friendly, but a bit slow. Blake showed up out of nowhere, walking straight onto the patio from the street, and the three of us had a great time trauma dumping and catching up.

I felt a little bad to monopolize the time Mitch had in the state, but Blake and I never knew each other very well back in school, so we really are kind of connecting for the first time. We had some great laughs, and some interesting, yet delicious salmon fish and chips.

Mitch went with Blake after that since I had to head home for bed. It was great catching up, and I’ll have to make more of an effort to keep up with Blake in the near future since he lives so close to my office. I got home and got to witness my matrix headlights doing their partial dimming, which was cool, but a little anticlimactic. The girls had cleaned up house a bit and were ready for bed, so I wasted no time to get there myself.

Three Male Incomes

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Are You Sidereus?!

I slept in a little bit today after a fairly long, rough day yesterday. Time had lost most of its meaning anyway. Summer was having coffee in the living room, and I think Eaddie went to school at least for a little while. Shawna actually responded back to my checking in on her lack of checking in. I said my peace, which went predictably about the same that it did fourteen years ago. At least it provided a bit of closure so I could keep my eyes forward.

Summer went to work for a while, and I took a shower and then put on some music while I assembled a metal locker I got from Vine for our dog accessories. Later in the afternoon, Summer met me at the Genesis Blood and Cancer Institute when she finished her workout. I had to pay a bunch more money (big surprise!) for reasons that could not be explained (when are we expecting America be great again?), and then we sat in the waiting room for nearly an hour before going back for vitals and then a chat with an eerily chipper Dr. Chen.

He entered the room with a cheery, “Hey buddy!” that had me dreading the worst news. It must be incredibly deflating to deal with a terminal as a profession, but he had good news. I now had too much iron. He dropped my supplements, and then suggested an SSRI for my anxiety attacks. I was leery of too much tinkering, but I’m no science-denier. We’ll try it his way.

We headed home, but it was too rainy to run Muad’Dib. Summer took a bath, and then we went out to Check H for dinner. We watched a Ricky Gervais Netflix special when we got home, then started for bed. Eaddie called late because she had lost the keys to the Murano and was stuck at the high school. I actually had a bit of dialog with Shawna to wrap up the night, and wrap up whatever the fuck happened there.

Hopefully we all learned a little about each other, and a lot about ourselves.

🚩 Took me 20 minutes lol 🚩

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I Bleed Blood

I got up early for my appointment this morning, and Summer went with me just to get my blood drawn. The nurse couldn’t find the vein in my right arm, so she switched to my let and ended up taking it from my forearm instead of the inside of my joint. She got her fill, and we were done without another word. Summer went on to work, and I went home to a big, spicy glass of orange juice after feeling feelings all week long.

Eaddie and I watched some Daredevil clips until she got up to go to school, but she didn’t stay gone long. I don’t know if they actually kicked her out, or if she just decided it wasn’t worth her time, but she came home and surprised the heck out of me. Much later in the afternoon I picked up Summer from the carwash to go to Mulan’s for a late lunch.

I made it back home and crashed on the couch. The kids were around somewhere, possibly after having gone and come back. I wasn’t clear. Eaddie did have an awards ceremony to attend, so I got up and took Muad’Dib for a quick run before Summer got home.

We only stopped to see Dad briefly, then I saw Mark and his family out walking as we made it home. Summer was outside waiting on us, so I put Muad’Dib out back and quickly changed. We got to the Center for the Arts just in the to find a program and get seated, and they kept the house lights up the whole time for some reason. It was just a big to-do about awarding scholarships to the kids, which we’d never had to attend before. They packed it all in to just over two hours, and then we headed home.

Summer and I sat out on the porch for a bit to talk, but it a bit too heated to be particularly productive. We just feel stuck, and I don’t know where to focus our energy. I put her to bed and stayed up way longer than I wanted. I discovered one of her wine spigots had been dripping onto the rice dispenser, and leaked into the lid and down into the rice, so I had to throw out a handful of that. Eaddie came home after catching up with Maristella and talked to me briefly before going to bed. Tomorrow we’ll get to see how fast I’m dying, or maybe at least why they don’t think I have enough blood.

You can bet that I’d let you walk all over me.

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Costly Affirmations

Today was mostly fighting parasitic thoughts after a fairly rough night. An attempt was made, to be sure, but it was all rumination on betrayal and disillusionment. Summer’s been unreasonably supportive throughout the entire thing, but that’s not without problems as well. We did manage to have a pretty good breakfast of pancakes, eggs, bacon, and sausage, but I could hardly keep myself from staring into space.

Eaddie got around and left for church and Summer went to the gym while I tried to draw focus. I cleaned up a little bit, broke down some boxes, and took out some recycling. At some point I did manage to get a shower, and later installed a light strip in the trunk of my car.

Summer got home from the gym and did some deep cleaning of her own, but things got really tense when I called out her poor substitutions, like cleaning with apple cider vinegar when she couldn’t find any white, and leaving furniture polish streaks on glass. I never try to make her feel bad, but she just doesn’t seem to get things, and I feel like I’m drowning.

The kids went out for a band picnic, so Summer thought we’d have some old frozen salmon fillets for dinner. I took over for her and thought I’d steam it and some veggies over some rice. I couldn’t find my steamer basket though, so I ran to the old house and ended up grabbing a different rice cooker that had its basket. While I was on the way over, I got a voice message from Mitch that he was in Little Rock for work. I called and talked to him for a bit, but ultimately decided against driving out for just an hour or so before he had to go to bed.

I started the rice and salmon, then ran to the Neighborhood Market for some quick frozen veggies to steam, then took Muad’Dib for a run. We went backwards to avoid an old lady walking a tiny dog, which was fine. We visited my parents, then went through the basin and back home. It was a bit chilly and quiet out, which might have been more peaceful if I hadn’t already felt incredibly uncomfortable.

We got home and Summer came out to eat. Dinner wasn’t great, but it was edible. At least the fish cooked all the way through. I laid down in bed with Summer for a while just to try and relax, and I started to pass out while she was scratching my back. I got up to wrap up the evening, and then Eaddie came home and wanted to chat with us for a bit before we all went to bed.

Sold Here

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Toad Eye Four

We got up early and Eli came over so we could head to Conway for Summer’s Toad Suck Daze 10k. We got to the high school and dropped Summer off, and once the race was started, I took the kids to Sonic for a snack. We ate at the picnic table outside, then got back to the race just in time to find a place to watch Summer coming in for the finish line. We waited around for awards, but left once she found out she wasn’t getting anything.

I thought Randy was going to meet us, but we missed him. We went downtown early, before the festival was officially open, and wandered around the block for a bit. We finally landed at the Toad Dome where Summer wanted to watch baby races. The kids went to get a funnel cake, and then we all made it into the tiny bleachers to watch the toad races. They called for first-timers, and Eli got pulled up to race in the first round. He ended up getting a tiny toad though, and came in next-to-last place.

After that, we wandered down the block again and ended up having lunch at R&M Southern Eatery. They had a Cajun menu that pleased everyone. Eaddie got a huge pasta that she shared since she wasn’t actually that hungry. My gumbo was heavy on the rice and light on the gumbo, but tasted great. Eli had a pretty small looking chicken sandwich, but he said it filled him up. Summer was going to get chicken and waffles, but I talked her into chicken and beignes instead, which she loved.

After we ate, we headed across town and let the girls shop for a dress at Cato while Eli and I went to Dollar Tree for some snacks. That got us to the theater just in time for Thunderbolts*. I thought the movie was pretty good, but I wished they had spent some time explaining how they made Bob.

We left the movie and went across town so Eaddie could do some dress shopping for graduation. I got a pair of shoes to use an expiring reward, and Eaddie finally found some dresses at Old Navy. We headed home after that, and then I took Muad’Dib out for a run as the sun started to set. It was nice and cool out, so he was practically flying. We visited my parents for a little while, and made it home where I sat with Summer in front of the TV just briefly before she went to bed.

I want to be the one everyone can rely on if they make a mistake.

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Shame on Me

I managed to lock in this morning and had all screens going for maximum efficiency. Each answer led only to more questions, but that is often the case with so many hands in the cookie jar. I brought some leftover pizza and munched on that throughout the day, so I didn’t go to lunch. I just kept digging for our unknown domain controller, assuming that our problems were due to misconfigured DNS, and Kyle wasn’t able to articulate anything to help. I think I’m on top of something big, though.

The afternoon went by pretty slowly, but there were people through the office all day to keep things from getting too dull. Traffic home was horribly slow. Just after I got into town, a storm blew through and I could barely see ten feet ahead of me. Within my last mile I saw several large branches go down, and our driveway was flooding into the garage when I made it home. If I had realized how high the water was, I would have left the garage door closed and just run into the house by way of the equally flooded front walkway. At least the step up there would have been high enough to prevent water from coming into the house.

Summer was warming up leftover spaghetti while I ran around trying to direct the water from the driveway around the north side of the house. Eaddie and Eli tried to help just inside the door as I ran for things like the leaf blower, squeegee, and eventually a towel to keep from dripping all over the house. I don’t think there was any real water damage after that, and I got almost all of it out the door.

I ate with Summer while the kids studied in the living room, but she finished pretty quickly. As of last night we had plans to meet Shawna at Crystal Bridges on Sunday, but Summer said she backed out today because she has a new boyfriend with pictures to prove it. I wish that was more of a plot twist than any of us expected, but I just hope she finds what she needs.

Summer went for a bath while I spent some quiet time with Muad’Dib in the rain. I took care of some chores and then set up a new wireless microphone for Eaddie’s flute, which also involved testing out my old PA system. The kids played with that for a bit, then I cleaned up a bit in the kitchen before bed.

The sun doesn’t give light to the moon assuming the moon’s gonna owe it one.

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Unbreakable

I woke up just before my alarm this morning and made it to work pretty early. I really thought I had to get Jim’s imaging issue fixed, but he called me away to babysit a Google Meet interview in the boardroom. You would think with so many educated people in a room, they could figure out how to click the button to join a meeting. I wasn’t even that surprised to find it was the interviewee who couldn’t figure out how to show our video, but I could at least have the chief of staff pull the Meet up on his phone and prove that our video was broadcasting correctly.

After that, I decided to give Captain D’s a try since I was already on that side of town. The girl at the counter could not have been more disinterested, but somehow the food was really great. I stopped at Walmart for some drinks on the way back to the office, and finished out the day in relative quiet. I had also picked up some dog food on clearance, but was overcharged, so I stopped by Walmart again on my way out of town to correct that.

I got home and Summer and the kids were on the couch watching gymnastics. I went out to play with Muad’Dib for a bit. Eaddie left to go stay the night with her father, and Summer came outside to sit with me for a little bit. Things have been super volatile, which made it a terrible time to try and discuss any of our issues, so she yelled at me and stormed off. I gave her a minute before following her to the living room, and she yelled at me a bunch more. That was when I saw she had gotten a new tattoo that said “Unbreakable” on her left forearm, and it crushed me.

Once we had cooled off, she sent me to take Muad’Dib for a run. He did great, didn’t chase any geese, and got to play in the creek for a little while since I just needed to be in the air for a little while. We made it over to my parents’ house to visit with them, and he got some more leftover pork before we headed home. Mom had leftover bún thang, so I asked Summer to come have dinner with them. We used to go visit much more often, and it’s been a big issue for me that it seems like she never wants to make the time with my family. I explained this again, and was super happy that she agreed this time. It was a great visit and great food.

We talked a bunch more when we got home, and things shifted from good to bad and back again several times. I got some laundry done, and she got some sleep before her 5k in Dover tomorrow. I was ready to pass out at any moment, but had things to do.

You gotta give them to the land

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Waning Crescent

I woke up shaking with anxiety this morning that followed me most of the way to work. It eventually leveled out, which was good because Gary tried to help a lady in the office with a printer issue, and it quickly became my problem. Luckily Kyle walked in and it then became his problem when we discovered the switch port was tagged incorrectly, and the printer had been set up differently than whatever standard they eventually chose.

I fought slow deployment tests all day, but took a break to take Maggie to lunch with Jim. Somehow when I pay for her, we end up spending enough to feed three or four people, but it was her birthday. They both asked about Summer after I took the day off, so I shared a little bit of what we’ve been working through, and Jim joked that it sounded like we were married.

The afternoon went by pretty quickly and my single image test failed what I was trying to accomplish. On the way out, I got to see the giant lizard Maggie told me was living under the sidewalk. I headed home through some fairly slow traffic, stopping in Atkins to swing through Casey’s to redeem a freebie. Summer and I had discussed dinner earlier in the morning, so she had a shepherd’s pie in the oven when I got home. She was sitting at the dinner table doing some work on her laptop with a look on her face, so we talked a bunch more.

We mostly talked in circles over the same things. She said she was taking some time away from work just to stay away from the public for a bit, and I was glad she got to see some support from her team and leadership. I don’t think any of the talking was actually helping at that point since we’ve always had trouble communicating. We stopped for dinner with Eaddie, and the shepherd’s pie turned out awesome. Afterward she had to go to Tech to prepare for a concert. I tried to take Muad’Dib out for a run, but it started raining and we ended up sitting on the porch together instead. Summer came out and we got burned out from talking again, so we loaded up to go watch Eaddie’s Tech concert.

The concert was long, but the band was great. We were both pretty exhausted from the stress and the lack of sleep. I know my head dropped at least once while I had my eyes closed, listening to the music. We got home, shared some drinks, and wound down quickly for bed.

I got my change behind the bed, in a coffee can I throw my nickels in. ☄️

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Whiskey Business

I was absolutely riddled with anxiety all day long. MacLeod got me to work safely and I did my best to settle in. I’ve been really surprised at how quiet things have been, and I wondered when the techs actually got any work done since Jimmy and Gary have been spending nearly all day, every day at the office. I got into the script server to run a manual sync for a new sub, which prompted a call from Randy while he was out on bereavement. I had it handled, so all was well.

Time seemed completely irrelevant, and I continued to wring my hands and tap my feet because I think I knew what was coming. I skipped lunch and tried to focus on Mosyle until I had to stop and help Jim with an OS deployment on one of the new Acers he got for the high school.

The drive home was the worst, as tics slowly took over all motor control. Then, as if I had been building up to this moment all day long, Shawna texted and then called to set expectations. Selfishly involving her in our own troubles had caused more harm than the help I was meant to provide for her. It would have been different with any other person in the universe, but there was no way she had thought of me the way I had thought of her for all this time. I couldn’t help but to freefall.

By the time I got inside, I was shaking pretty violently. Summer was warming up leftover spaghetti for dinner, but found me shivering in the corner of the closet. I don’t know how long we talked from that point, but after an anxiety attack, I wasn’t in a position to interfere with anyone or anything else. I quickly found the Fireball to keep myself from making any surprise trips out of town, and sat down to eat with Summer.

After our expectedly awkward dinner, I took Muad’Dib out for a run. He was amazing even when we encountered other dogs, including a loose poodle around the basin. He took a quick dip in the creek, and then we went back up and through the roundabout before making our way to my parents’ house. Dad came out with some leftover pork loin for him, and then we made it home where Summer and I sat out on the porch together for a bit.

The evening wound down pretty quickly after that since I wasn’t fit to put much brain power into anything else. Eaddie got home late and came to visit me briefly, and I eventually found my way to bed.

But what if it had actually worked???

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101 Problems

Summer got up and finally made the Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits that followed us in the move from her old house, along with sausage patties and eggs. Of course I got up too late and had to wait an hour after taking my medicine to eat, but the food was still good. Eaddie got up and went out with Eli, and I just tried to spend a bunch of time with Summer.

The weather wasn’t looking great, but it never got bad here. I started some laundry and then took Muad’Dib out for a run before it started raining. We took our normal route backwards so he could visit Dad before we went to basin to play in the creek. It was a really good run, but Summer had been simmering all day long. We both had some drinks to get some emotion flowing, and we tried to put together some cheap furniture I got from Amazon Vine.

I eventually threw a pizza in the oven so we wouldn’t be drinking all of our dinner, and as usual, things were good until they weren’t. Summer has been so vacant and depressed lately, but also belligerent any time I’ve tried to get her to think positively about herself. I’ve been exhausted by it after this many years, and through my own efforts of transparency, it ended up pushing Shawna to withdraw herself from the situation. Not willing to leave well enough alone, Summer reached out to her and had her call me, so I made Summer sit with me while we talked on speakerphone. It seemed like a pretty good conversation to me, but of course Summer was still mostly absent. Hopefully they can find something to bond over if they follow through with dinner later this week, because I’m drowning and I can’t handle her alone.

It’s a war of attrition.