wasted space

I slept hard with hard dreams. Summer went to work in Conway after cancelling her oncology appointment. Eaddie left to meet with her advisor and make her class schedule. I managed to get out of bed and make a bologna sandwich to eat over the sink.

It was quiet all day, so I finished my new hire paperwork and then did my best to motivate myself to clean. The kids eventually came back, and Eaddie started some laundry while they watched TV. I climbed around and scrubbed some difficult spots in the shower. Summer had a relatively short day, so we planned to meet at Cici’s for an early dinner.

The kids and I met her there after she finished at the gym. While we were eating, I spotted Josh as he came in to meet his wife and kids. We had a laugh about him still not having his house finished. Then Eaddie rode home with Summer, and Eli and I took the fast car home.

I tried to take Muad’Dib out for a run later in the evening, but the Onewheel appeared dead. I couldn’t get any lights out of it. We came back in and I had a pretty heavy anxiety attack while vacuuming his fur. It was a short night after that.

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On Hopes and Incense

Summer went to the gym and Eaddie went to church. I had a slice of pizza left over from I know not when, and then showered in time to get to Lelan’s to help grill pork chops before everyone else showed up. It was the second Ngày Giỗ since Bác Vân’s passing, and she had me grill pork chops and an assortment of sausages to add to the smorgasbord of other traditional and favorite dishes they would offer to those in the Great Beyond. The girls showed up after Summer finished mowing the lawn. Julie and Kevin arrived pretty close to the agreed-upon time. Our parents were, as expected, last.

Those who chose to, prayed. Dad made it a point not to, out of respect for his own faith. There didn’t seem to be any difference to me whether you prayed to a deity with or without incense, but I carried that learned respect with me when it came time to bless the food. I felt the emotion and the want, but I knew that to me, there was only the present, and I was there to enjoy the company of my family.

We visited as we waited for the incense to self-extinguish. There was something very traditional about sharing cold dishes after they had been offered to those passed. Lelan evidently didn’t get the message about my customary flattened, boiled eggs, and with fewer and fewer people upholding these traditions, I wondered who would slice The Sausage that I Like™ to eat with steamed rice on the anniversary of my own passing.

I didn’t love that Randall wasn’t there, but he is also a man of many cultures. At least having fewer people made eating around the table easier. After we ate, Dad had a slideshow of a trip to Europe they took before I was born. I was neither nostalgic nor sentimental about any of it, but we did eventually find a photo of me in a bunny costume.

When we all parted ways, Lelan, Stephen, Mom, and Dad all headed to the cemetery. I ran home first to get Muad’Dib, since I figured it was important that somebody new should be a part of the tradition. Once Mom and Dad showed up, they burned some more incense and offered fruit as, I suppose, dessert. We stood in the shade and visited until the incense burned out, and then we all went home.

I stopped at Casey’s to redeem a free drink and ran into Rusty, riding home from a day’s work at Atwood’s, on a small Shadow. We chatted for a little while before I eventually made it home. Eaddie had left again, so I talked Summer into going swimming at my parents’ house. We took Muad’Dib along, and Mom was watering plants when we got there. The pool was just about perfect, but we couldn’t convince Muad’Dib to dip his toes in the water.

We headed home after dark, and Summer went straight to bed. Eaddie came home really late and talked to me for a long while. She shared about her own day out, and then tried to help by telling me to be selfish and buy a sailboat. We talked about dreams, expectations, and the paralysis of choice. It doesn’t seem to me that there is a real choice, so for now, we’ll all float on.

Good news is on the way.

Destinare

I slept pretty hard last night and didn’t set an alarm, so it was lucky that I woke up just in time to get cleaned up and hit the road to make it to Stephen’s visitation. We decided to take Muad’Dib with us since Eaddie had plans to go boating with some friends. Summer and I just drove ourselves and planned to meet my parents and Julie in Bismark.

We made it to Ola where we stopped for some Chester’s Chicken and a dried up chimichanga to tide us over. The drive down Highway 7 was mostly fun, but before we got to Jessieville, a Camaro and I got stuck behind a long line of people driving 15 miles under the speed limit. The internal monologue was not kind. The external monologue wasn’t much better.

Once we got into Hot Springs, I decided to stop at the Franklin’s Charging Station to get a little bit of juice just in case we were stuck out in the middle of nowhere for a while. I figured we would be leaving Muad’Dib in the car for a while as well, and I wasn’t sure how much power that would take. It wasn’t as nice of a place as their Little Rock location, but it was fine to be in a place just outside of town.

We made it to the Bismarck First Methodist Church just after the rest of my family, and we let Muad’Dib out to stretch his legs. He made a quick loop through the church before we put him back in the car. I wasn’t terribly impressed with the service because it felt very impersonal to me. We didn’t really even stay long enough to visit with the family for very long. Once they had the flag unfolded and folded back up again, we left.

Julie was pretty hangry, so I suggested Fisherman’s Wharf for their dog-friendly deck over the water. When we got there, I was surprised that there wasn’t a wait for outside seating, since there appeared to be a line of people waiting to sit inside. We made it through the restaurant to our table, and Muad’Dib had lots of fun looking around, and staring at geese in the water. It took awhile for our food to come out. Letting our waitress, named Destiny, choose my entire meal seemed only fitting.

My food was good, but Julie complained about her fillet. I ate what she didn’t, and I agreed that it was overcooked and under-seasoned. The gator tail appetizer was also an incredibly small portion of incredibly small pieces. At least they tasted pretty good.

We parted ways after our early dinner. Julie took Mom and Dad back through Little Rock again, and Summer and I went into Hot Springs to wander around. I first took us through the car wash a couple of times since I wouldn’t be back again, presumably ever. Then we made it downtown where the Tesla chargers were all occupied. Luckily, the power pole right behind the available spot had a piece of plywood with multiple varied outlets available. I got my mobile connector out, and wouldn’t you know, the very first plug I tried was energized and we were up and going.

Muad’Dib had a great time walking the strip off-leash with us. He behaved super well, except for one moment when he wouldn’t stop sniffing a poodle walking the other direction. I held onto his e-collar remote after that, and he immediately returned to my side any time I beeped him. We walked down a ways, crossed the street, and walked down to find some ice cream. Summer asked for a pup cup, and though that wasn’t something they normally did, the girl gave her a cup of whipped cream anyway. We sat outside, fed him, and shared a banana split. Then it was back to the car.

I filled up some water bottles, and then we loaded up to head home. I let the car drive the entire way home up Highway 7, and it did fabulously. Muad’Dib appreciated not sliding back and forth in the seat from hitting the curves at three times the recommended speed, and Summer didn’t have to stop to throw up. I just accepted that the drive would be less exciting, and more relaxing instead.

I stopped at Casey’s for a freebie, and then we made it home. Eaddie was back and didn’t bother coming out of her room to greet us. I took Muad’Dib out in the dark for a short, cool, evening run. We went straight to my parents’ house, then a modified route back home. He did great, and was ready for bed once we got home.

My Vine reviewed appeared to be up to date enough that my review period was over. The girls both went to bed, I vacuumed Muad’Dib and gave him a spritz of cologne, and eventually went to sleep.

Choose your own adventure. Or not. Whatever.

Baths All Around

I couldn’t leave Muad’Dib outside, so I brought him in for a vacuum to get some of the smelly dirt off of him, then washed his paws in the tub. By the end of it, I was satisfied enough to let him sleep with us. We slept in pretty late, too. When I finally got up, I warmed my leftover SuperSONIC Breakfast Burrito in a skillet, then continued to tinker with more Vine stuff. I started to feel a little sick and decided to take a bubble bath to relax for a while, and as soon as I got settled in, Summer asked if I wanted to get lunch with her.

We ended up going out for an early dinner, not long after Eaddie woke up and made herself some ramen. I drove to Mulan’s to meet her like she said, but had to wait 25 minutes for her to show up because she thought “I need to get dressed” meant it would take me so long that I would have to tell her when I was on the way.

Dinner was pretty good, but I’ve been stuffed all week. As we left, there was a big wreck on Main and Knoxville that had traffic diverted, so I spun around and went back up to Parkway. We got home and Summer had a bath. I tried to keep up with Vine reviews as multiple deliveries arrived today, and I eventually took Muad’Dib out for a run.

We made pretty decent time for how hot it was. We got chased down by a dog that slipped away from its owner, so we turned around to return it. I was proud of Muad’Dib for minding so well. We got around to my parents’ house and visited very briefly before making it home.

It was time to give Muad’Dib another proper bath with some new shampoo I got from Vine. He was immediately warry, and hid from me outside when we got home. Eaddie got him back inside and I vacuumed him, bathed him, blow dried him outside, then vacuumed him some more before bed.1

I was up quite a while later, finishing up some more reviews and getting lost in thoughts. A somber weekend approaches.

Thinkin’ how you left me for dead.

Back to the House

I decided to take this morning super easy because none of the breakout sessions have been revelations. I got everything packed up and checked out just in time to get a car wash and make it to the Junior Academy just in time for a late lunch. I found Ben, who had already eaten, and sat down for some catfish and chicken strips. It was pretty good for HSTI.

I went to the Q&A session with DIS, then waited for door prizes. Randy and Kyle were gone by the time I left the hotel, so when they called Kyle’s name for an Igloo cooler, I volunteered to take it to him. I got out, had another car wash, then stopped at Sam’s Club to get some booze for Summer.

The drive home was a pretty good mix. I stopped to get some spring water, then let FSD take me through Hot Springs Village. Once I hit the twisties, I started passing cars and doubling the speed limit. I got stuck behind a couple of slow people for a short while, but overall I was able to pass easily.

Julie called about weekend funeral plans, and I had to stop at McDonald’s for a restroom break in Dardanelle. I eventually made it to the house, unloaded, greeted Muad’Dib, and then found Summer once she was out of the shower. I barely had enough time to unpack before we had to load up and go to Witherspoon for Eaddie’s band camp concert.

Summer wanted to watch all of the bands, so we sat through two shows before Eaddie got on stage. They did well, and then we went back to the house where Summer went straight to bed. I unboxed all of the Vine stuff that came in while I was away, and then went to bed myself.

But home is where the heart is, so your real home’s in your chest.

Welcome to My Level

Summer had to check Eaddie in to band camp this morning, and then went to the gym. I worked on more Vine reviews and then took a shower. I talked to Dad about what he might want to do for Father’s Day, and he ultimately landed on pizza. Julie and Kevin were out of town, so it would just be Summer and me to come over.

We thought we might walk, but it started to rain and we decided to take him in the car anyway. It was a pretty short visit. We ate and then went back home so I could continue cleaning up and working on reviews before my conference week. I tried to wait until it got a little cooler and then took Muad’Dib out for a run. I thought we’d go by the Neighborhood Market to drop off some recycling that had been sitting in the laundry room. We generate so many plastic bags, but I don’t even remember the last time I went to Walmart to be able to recycle them.

On the ride down, I had a pretty wild anxiety attack. I was riding down the hill and then became super disoriented. I remember seeing the street sign and then just used muscle memory to guide me on down the road. I shook it off and we made it to the store without any more trouble. It didn’t take long to drop off the bags, though I wish they would put their bin back by the front door so I wouldn’t have to keep walking it in to the service desk.

We rode back to our normal path, but avoided the flooded basin. We visited my parents again, and I dipped my feet in the pool while I tried washing some of the dirt off of Muad’Dib’s paws. We got home and I took him to the bathtub just to scrub his feet, and he didn’t protest too much. It seemed like Summer started to feel the stress I’d been feeling for the past several months, so we talked very briefly and then just sat together for a bit before I continued cleaning.

I got a load of laundry done and packed way too late, so I got to bed about two hours later than I wanted. I’ll let the adrenaline of Highway 7 wake me up in the morning.

But you turned into a pretty big waste of my time.

How I Met Your Dragon

Summer got called into work super early because someone didn’t work out her two-week notice, so Muad’Dib and I slept in. I eventually got up and had a pretty good bologna sandwich and wrote a bunch of reviews. I asked Summer if she needed anything, and she asked for some soda water. I decided I’d take Muad’Dib along for the ride since I moved the seat cover over to my car.

When we left there, we stopped by the airport to see if we could find Kevin and retrieve one of my smaller rat traps. We haven’t had any luck trapping the one that’s still in the house somewhere. That was another failed mission, so we drove on home past lots of silt and debris that had flooded onto the roads. Muad’Dib wanted to stay outside when we got home, so I let him hang out a while.

Summer came home around noon, after Eaddie and Eli left for Clarksville. We were looking at more rain, so we decided to blow out the gutters quickly to alleviate some of the flooding around the house. Summer went up on the roof with the leaf blower and took care of that easily, then we got her down just as the rain came in. She took a bath and shower, and then I took a shower myself because she wanted to go to UEC to see How to Train Your Dragon.

I had somewhat surprisingly never seen the originals, and for some reason this remake wasn’t high on my list of priorities either, but it was a decent movie. We saw the only showing in 3D, and though the auditorium was mostly empty, the people that were there were mostly inconsiderate assholes. Children screaming, people whose cell phones went off repeatedly without being silenced, and people who were incapable of coughing without engaging their vocal cords.

After the movie, we came home to find Eaddie outside, and Eli sitting on the couch inside. He said he forgot she was outside, and evidently just settled in. Weird kids.

I took Muad’Dib for a run, and he did really well. The basin was incredibly flooded, so we went around, encountered a huge litter of puppies, visited my parents, then made it home before more rain. Summer was prepared to give him a bath, so I helped scrub him down. He seems to enjoy the blow drying now, and of course loves being vacuumed. We watched some YouTube and stayed up too late. Tomorrow will be full of catching up on weekend chores.

You just gestured to all of me.

Miscellany Friday

I slept in pretty late today, then got up for a shower so I could get lunch before going to Morrilton. I opened Eaddie’s bedroom door so Muad’Dib could find her after I left, and she sat right up and wanted to go to lunch with us, so we left in the rain and picked Summer up at the wash. Summer was having a bad day at work, so while she was ranting about that, Eaddie and I tried to decide where to eat. She chose Stoby’s, so we made it back across town and found a seat.

We devoured a large cheese dip. Eaddie bragged about her Arrow Burger, but Summer hated her French Dip. My taco salad was fine, but nothing special. While we ate, David spotted me through the window and I went to talk to him. I let him know that I was leaving the school for Bitec, and of course he said to reach out if Howard could do anything for us in my new role.

After lunch, we had to rush Eaddie home so she could go to a flute lesson. I took Summer back to the wash, and then headed to Morrilton about half an hour early. That ended up being a good thing, because traffic came to a stop due to another overturned semi truck. It looked like some trees had burned up around it, so that was there for quite a while.

Once I got to Bitec, Teisha actually made me sign my social security card. I felt bad, because nobody had ever made me do that in 42 years. It felt like defacing it. She got me paperwork to take to the clinic for a drug screen, and that didn’t take terribly long. I felt a little sick to the stomach after that, so I stopped at Casey’s for a drink on the way back. I still had more new hire paperwork to do, so I headed on home from there.

I stopped in Blackwell and Atkins for more drinks, then decided to drop into AT&T when I got back to town. Kevin was on vacation, but I talked to Hope and David for a bit. They said Brandon was moving to the IT department for the state, which was cool for him. They started to get busy, so I moved on to Splash and cleaned the seat covers in the Model Y before moving them to my car so Summer could use her own.

We both left there and went home for the night. She bathed for a while and I did some Vine reviews. Then we laid on the couch for a while. I should have gotten up to take Muad’Dib on a run earlier, but I didn’t see any rain on the radar. Just as I started to get up to take him, the sky opened up and dumped a whole bunch of water on us.

We stayed in and I baked a frozen pizza. Eaddie left to go bowling with friends, so the two of us just sat on the couch the entire night until bedtime. Summer made a bologna sandwich and discovered our rat had chewed into the back end of the loaf of bread she just bought, so we’ll need to get more aggressive with the traps.

We’ll die on that mole hill.

Just Quit Already

Last night was the first night I slept in my own bed since we bought the house. I just needed some time and space to ground myself. I made it to work and looked at my new-hire stuff for Bitec, then talked to Randy about it. He was immediately supportive, and we chatted for a bit before I went back to my desk to draft let Gemini draft a resignation letter.

It was pretty quiet after that. I spent more time working on my paperwork than anything for actual work. By lunch time, it had started to rain pretty heavily. Randy drove Jay and me to BJ’s where we met Kyle and Jim for some white people food. It stopped raining by the time we left, but we were already pretty soaked.

After lunch, I told Maggie about my job offer, and after some quick math, we determined that today was essentially my last real day at work. I have a conference in Hot Springs all next week, followed by a couple sick days for Summer’s oncology appointment, and finally two vacation days. I’ll only have one day left after that, so I might as well take a sick day. I spent the rest of the day packing up my things so I could take them home.

The afternoon actually went by pretty slowly, as the rain started again. Summer said she was making dinner, and Maristella was there with Eaddie. Traffic was super bad through Conway, but I eventually made it home. She made pork chops, green beans, and mashed potatoes that were all pretty good.

After dinner, I took Muad’Dib for a run to try and avoid any more rain. We went around the basin trail because I was afraid it might have flooded, and on the way out of that area we saw my parents drive by. We tried to follow them, assuming they were going to the Neighborhood Market, but they weren’t. We sat at a bench there, realized they were already back home, and headed back across town to find them.

After a quick dip in the creek, we visited my parents. Then we made it home where Summer and I had a chat outside on the porch. Neither of us have a clue how to make any of this right, and both of us are miserable. It was actually a bit of a relief that she admitted it herself. I don’t know whether any of it can be made better, but all I really hope is to find some common ground where we can stop resenting each other all of the time.

Of course the evening after that wouldn’t have been complete without its own unique set of frustrations. I’ve been at the point, for a while, where I truly don’t know what the preferred outcome would be. Timing is everything, and that fucking sucks.

I wrapped it all up by giving Muad’Dib a bath, since he had taken a dip in the creek on our run. I had an anxiety attack in the middle of it, but that’s just life now. He hated the bath, but then he loved being vacuumed, and the bow on top was wrestling with me and Eaddie before bed.

kys

Pack Rat

I heard something making a racket in the kitchen this morning, and after sneaking around a bit, I discovered a small rat in the dog food bag. After that many failed attempts to get out, I thought I might be able to grab the bag and move it outside, but of course as soon as I approached, it was able to leap out without a care in the world. It scurried under the kitchen table, so it might as well be gone forever. I set a live trap with all of my remaining hopes and dreams, and a bit of peanut butter, and got ready for work.

I was running a bit late, but Maggie and the two old men were the only ones there. Nobody asked anything of me, so I quietly stared at FortiAuthenticator documentation for the entire day. I had an anxiety attack at some point, but otherwise it was uneventful. We’re officially on four ten-hour days, but that actually worked out to about nine and a half. I left briefly for some McDonald’s since nobody else wanted to do lunch.

While I was at work, I saw Summer shuttling back and forth between the house and Added Space Storage. I guess she figured that was an easy midway point between both houses. I couldn’t tell what she was moving, because none of the large, obvious things were moved out of the house. She didn’t respond to my text, so I made it home for the surprise.

The laundry room had been cleared out, which seemed like an unimportant space to me. I changed clothes and started to take Muad’Dib out for a run, but Summer asked me to sit with her. I sat in the floor and pet the dog while she finished her episode of Grey’s Anatomy. Then we left for our run. I wasn’t particularly hungry, but I needed something different, so we rode to Ridgewood Brothers to see what they had cooking.

Wouldn’t you know it was burger day, so I had another hamburger. I’m sure that it was better than my Double Quarter Pounder Delux, but I was buzzing too hard to really tell. They gave me some scrap pulled pork for Muad’Dib too, so he climbed up to sit at the picnic table with me and we had dinner together.

After dinner, we stopped in to see my parents. Dad had come over to help Summer find the dead rat in the house, which was different than the live rat I found in the morning. Summer had candles burning to cover up the smell, but I hadn’t smelled it when I left in the morning anyway. I’m sure it was a nasty discovery though.

We made it home and I took out the recycling and trash before wrapping up for the night.

I’ve got doodles I’d undo.