Tag: parenting

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Are You Sidereus?!

I slept in a little bit today after a fairly long, rough day yesterday. Time had lost most of its meaning anyway. Summer was having coffee in the living room, and I think Eaddie went to school at least for a little while. Shawna actually responded back to my checking in on her lack of checking in. I said my peace, which went predictably about the same that it did fourteen years ago. At least it provided a bit of closure so I could keep my eyes forward.

Summer went to work for a while, and I took a shower and then put on some music while I assembled a metal locker I got from Vine for our dog accessories. Later in the afternoon, Summer met me at the Genesis Blood and Cancer Institute when she finished her workout. I had to pay a bunch more money (big surprise!) for reasons that could not be explained (when are we expecting America be great again?), and then we sat in the waiting room for nearly an hour before going back for vitals and then a chat with an eerily chipper Dr. Chen.

He entered the room with a cheery, “Hey buddy!” that had me dreading the worst news. It must be incredibly deflating to deal with a terminal as a profession, but he had good news. I now had too much iron. He dropped my supplements, and then suggested an SSRI for my anxiety attacks. I was leery of too much tinkering, but I’m no science-denier. We’ll try it his way.

We headed home, but it was too rainy to run Muad’Dib. Summer took a bath, and then we went out to Check H for dinner. We watched a Ricky Gervais Netflix special when we got home, then started for bed. Eaddie called late because she had lost the keys to the Murano and was stuck at the high school. I actually had a bit of dialog with Shawna to wrap up the night, and wrap up whatever the fuck happened there.

Hopefully we all learned a little about each other, and a lot about ourselves.

🚩 Took me 20 minutes lol 🚩

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I Bleed Blood

I got up early for my appointment this morning, and Summer went with me just to get my blood drawn. The nurse couldn’t find the vein in my right arm, so she switched to my let and ended up taking it from my forearm instead of the inside of my joint. She got her fill, and we were done without another word. Summer went on to work, and I went home to a big, spicy glass of orange juice after feeling feelings all week long.

Eaddie and I watched some Daredevil clips until she got up to go to school, but she didn’t stay gone long. I don’t know if they actually kicked her out, or if she just decided it wasn’t worth her time, but she came home and surprised the heck out of me. Much later in the afternoon I picked up Summer from the carwash to go to Mulan’s for a late lunch.

I made it back home and crashed on the couch. The kids were around somewhere, possibly after having gone and come back. I wasn’t clear. Eaddie did have an awards ceremony to attend, so I got up and took Muad’Dib for a quick run before Summer got home.

We only stopped to see Dad briefly, then I saw Mark and his family out walking as we made it home. Summer was outside waiting on us, so I put Muad’Dib out back and quickly changed. We got to the Center for the Arts just in the to find a program and get seated, and they kept the house lights up the whole time for some reason. It was just a big to-do about awarding scholarships to the kids, which we’d never had to attend before. They packed it all in to just over two hours, and then we headed home.

Summer and I sat out on the porch for a bit to talk, but it a bit too heated to be particularly productive. We just feel stuck, and I don’t know where to focus our energy. I put her to bed and stayed up way longer than I wanted. I discovered one of her wine spigots had been dripping onto the rice dispenser, and leaked into the lid and down into the rice, so I had to throw out a handful of that. Eaddie came home after catching up with Maristella and talked to me briefly before going to bed. Tomorrow we’ll get to see how fast I’m dying, or maybe at least why they don’t think I have enough blood.

You can bet that I’d let you walk all over me.

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Costly Affirmations

Today was mostly fighting parasitic thoughts after a fairly rough night. An attempt was made, to be sure, but it was all rumination on betrayal and disillusionment. Summer’s been unreasonably supportive throughout the entire thing, but that’s not without problems as well. We did manage to have a pretty good breakfast of pancakes, eggs, bacon, and sausage, but I could hardly keep myself from staring into space.

Eaddie got around and left for church and Summer went to the gym while I tried to draw focus. I cleaned up a little bit, broke down some boxes, and took out some recycling. At some point I did manage to get a shower, and later installed a light strip in the trunk of my car.

Summer got home from the gym and did some deep cleaning of her own, but things got really tense when I called out her poor substitutions, like cleaning with apple cider vinegar when she couldn’t find any white, and leaving furniture polish streaks on glass. I never try to make her feel bad, but she just doesn’t seem to get things, and I feel like I’m drowning.

The kids went out for a band picnic, so Summer thought we’d have some old frozen salmon fillets for dinner. I took over for her and thought I’d steam it and some veggies over some rice. I couldn’t find my steamer basket though, so I ran to the old house and ended up grabbing a different rice cooker that had its basket. While I was on the way over, I got a voice message from Mitch that he was in Little Rock for work. I called and talked to him for a bit, but ultimately decided against driving out for just an hour or so before he had to go to bed.

I started the rice and salmon, then ran to the Neighborhood Market for some quick frozen veggies to steam, then took Muad’Dib for a run. We went backwards to avoid an old lady walking a tiny dog, which was fine. We visited my parents, then went through the basin and back home. It was a bit chilly and quiet out, which might have been more peaceful if I hadn’t already felt incredibly uncomfortable.

We got home and Summer came out to eat. Dinner wasn’t great, but it was edible. At least the fish cooked all the way through. I laid down in bed with Summer for a while just to try and relax, and I started to pass out while she was scratching my back. I got up to wrap up the evening, and then Eaddie came home and wanted to chat with us for a bit before we all went to bed.

Sold Here

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Toad Eye Four

We got up early and Eli came over so we could head to Conway for Summer’s Toad Suck Daze 10k. We got to the high school and dropped Summer off, and once the race was started, I took the kids to Sonic for a snack. We ate at the picnic table outside, then got back to the race just in time to find a place to watch Summer coming in for the finish line. We waited around for awards, but left once she found out she wasn’t getting anything.

I thought Randy was going to meet us, but we missed him. We went downtown early, before the festival was officially open, and wandered around the block for a bit. We finally landed at the Toad Dome where Summer wanted to watch baby races. The kids went to get a funnel cake, and then we all made it into the tiny bleachers to watch the toad races. They called for first-timers, and Eli got pulled up to race in the first round. He ended up getting a tiny toad though, and came in next-to-last place.

After that, we wandered down the block again and ended up having lunch at R&M Southern Eatery. They had a Cajun menu that pleased everyone. Eaddie got a huge pasta that she shared since she wasn’t actually that hungry. My gumbo was heavy on the rice and light on the gumbo, but tasted great. Eli had a pretty small looking chicken sandwich, but he said it filled him up. Summer was going to get chicken and waffles, but I talked her into chicken and beignes instead, which she loved.

After we ate, we headed across town and let the girls shop for a dress at Cato while Eli and I went to Dollar Tree for some snacks. That got us to the theater just in time for Thunderbolts*. I thought the movie was pretty good, but I wished they had spent some time explaining how they made Bob.

We left the movie and went across town so Eaddie could do some dress shopping for graduation. I got a pair of shoes to use an expiring reward, and Eaddie finally found some dresses at Old Navy. We headed home after that, and then I took Muad’Dib out for a run as the sun started to set. It was nice and cool out, so he was practically flying. We visited my parents for a little while, and made it home where I sat with Summer in front of the TV just briefly before she went to bed.

I want to be the one everyone can rely on if they make a mistake.

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Chasing Lightning

It was a bit rainy on the way to work, but the drive wasn’t too bad. Lightning rippled through the clouds a few times, creating a fishing net of light cast across the sky. I arrived fairly early and Randy was already hard at work with the domain controllers. I mostly sat back so we didn’t have too many hands in the cookie jar, and instead fought an issue for our Cenergistic guy who couldn’t figure out how to remote into the system I set up for him. He eventually came by the office so I could take a look at his laptop, and it looked like he just couldn’t save the connection because of rotating credentials.

Randy and I met Jay, Charles, Kyle, and Hunter at Cotham’s for lunch, and I think my burger was even bigger than usual. It was great, and I tried to impart as much wisdom onto Jay as I could. I was feeling a little frisky, so I almost approached a girl for him, who he was eyeing, but I figured that would be best saved for another time.

Randy left for the day after dropping me off, and with Maggie out all day, things were quiet at the office. Time got away from me a bit, and then it was an aggravatingly slow drive home through traffic. The kids had just finished eating some leftovers when I got there, so I took Muad’Dib out for a run.

We went all the way out to Casey’s so I could redeem a free slush. We encountered an old lady walking a rather unruly dog, and she pointed at us saying it was bad because her dog didn’t like it. Muad’Dib stayed right by my side with hardly a look, and waited patiently outside while I got my slush. Tracy saw me walking out and said hello, and I thought the number of call center throwbacks has been wild this year. Muad’Dib and I rode down the sidewalk and crossed over without any trouble, and I decided to swing through the Ridgewood Brothers to see if anyone was home.

Failing there, we continued past Kroger, across town, through the basin for a dip, and down to see Dad for a while before we made it home. Seven and a half miles, and he loved every bit of it. The kids were gone, but Summer got home shortly after we did. She ate some leftovers, and then we wound down pretty quickly. Eaddie tried on her graduation gown when she got home, and it was off to bed before the Toad Suck race in the morning.

’cause the love that you lost wasn’t worth what it cost

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Rawdoggin’

We had a mid-morning meeting that would last through lunch, so Randy wanted to swing through McDonald’s for some pre-breakfast. I rode with him and grabbed an iced coffee, and not long after we got back to the office, we headed upstairs to meet with a couple of Acer Premier Support representatives. Maggie brought Chick-fil-A breakfast for everyone, and then we sat through a bunch of training that could have probably been an email with the YouTube tutorial link. It wasn’t really required knowledge for me, so I was fairly disconnected and possibly a bit jittery from all the coffee.

I skipped lunch again, and the afternoon was for unearthing broken things. I couldn’t tell if we had actual replication issues with our domain controllers, or if there was something else preventing communication, but we definitely had issues communicating with the domain controllers. Randy ended up taking over, but that wasn’t what I intended. That sort of left me hanging for the day.

I had a pretty big anxiety attack on the drive home, but I made it. Eaddie and I chatted briefly while Summer was in the shower. They had spent the day together after Eaddie’s signing day and made Oreo balls while I ate some leftover shepherd’s pie. I was still a little bit hungry and got to craving some Taco Villa, so I ran across town to get an assortment to share with the girls. Eaddie had to leave for her appreciation concert as soon as I got back though, so Summer and I ate and then I quickly ran Muad’Dib before we met my dad at the Center.

We got there between songs by the concert band, and then moved to sit next to Dad for Eaddie’s symphonic band. I thought they did pretty great even if Eaddie thought they were awful. Eaddie and Eli both had surprise speaking parts, so of course Summer was stunned. She recorded their speaking parts, but quit when it came to the music. Moss composed one of their songs, called Grawlix, which was awesome. Then Summer had me record The Stars and Stripes Forever since Eaddie would be first in the piccolo line.

The kids went out to celebrate afterward, so Summer and I headed home and shut down pretty quickly.

Weep not for roads untraveled.

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PGA Tour

After the intensity yesterday, I knew I’d have to medicate today to keep the shakes down. I was early, so I just let the car do its thing to get me to the office, and from there I was actually pretty focused. I continued working in SCCM to fix some issues with Jim’s laptop deployment, but was still delayed by the network latency. At this point it would be much faster to just go to the high school and test my task sequences there.

I offered to take Maggie out to lunch for her birthday, but she said she had plans to meet a friend. She ended up disappearing for much of the day, so it was just the two old men and me, sipping my sweet tea all day. I didn’t eat my banana, and I wasn’t hungry for lunch, so I just plowed right through. I tried to stay hydrated, but somehow the lid to my cup popped off and I spilled 32 ounces of ice water all over the floor right outside our office. All I could do was shrug. I broke my cup and lid in the process, and to add insult to injury, they don’t seem to keep a mop in the closet with the other cleaning supplies. I had to use a rag to wipe it all up after wringing it out repeatedly.

The afternoon dragged by slowly, but quitting time eventually rolled around. I was exhausted and a bit dazed, but the car was a champ again. Eaddie called and wanted to know if we were going to go to Nebo with her, Eli, and my dad to take some more senior photos, so that was our new plan. I got home and tried to lay on the couch with Summer for a bit since she had gotten home fairly early. We started talking, and that continued off and on all night long.

The kids got there, followed by my dad, and we loaded Muad’Dib into the Pathfinder to drive up the mountain. Summer had to use the restroom, so we found the bathhouse first, then took some pictures at the overlook there. We still had quite a bit of daylight left, so we went around to the waterfall and took some pictures there. Our last stop was sunset point to get a few more shots as the sun set behind the clouds. I spotted a lone lady sitting on a rock staring into the distance, so I made a point to walk down by her with a smile and wish her well. I shared with her that I had spent many evenings there alone, and hoped that she was doing okay.

We stopped one last time at an overlook on the way down the mountain, and then headed home. My chat with Summer had kind of gone back and forth all day, but really took a defeating turn on the drive home. The way she digs into me and refuses any help unless somebody is forcing her makes me worry that I’m doing more harm than good just by being around at this point.

I didn’t find out until later, but Summer robbed my liquor cabinet on the way to take a bath. I warmed up some spaghetti for Eaddie and sat in the kitchen with her for another really great talk about how she basically wished we would split up. Coming from either of the other kids might have been an insult, but I knew what she meant. She just wants us both to be happy, and has a logical enough mindset that she sees a path forward for all of us. She recognized the decline of our relationship, especially after moving in together, and identified the core differences in our values and priorities. She especially didn’t want us sticking together on account of her, and hated that we’ve both been so unhappy in spite of how Summer says she feels. We discussed sitting down as a family to share our feelings, which is something I’ve struggled to get Summer to do even one-on-one, but Eaddie has proven time and time again that she has insight that both of us could use. She really is the daughter I always wanted.

I started to wind down, but heard Summer whimpering in the bedroom. By the time I got there, she was absolutely hammered and sobbing into her pillow from finishing my bottle of cocoa cayenne Bird Dog. In nearly eight years, I had never really seen her cry, and I’d definitely never seen her that drunk before. We “fought” for over two hours, mostly about me trying to get her to drink some water. I needed her to be able to open up emotionally, but in a more constructive way. We both called in to work, and I guess we’ll see if we can actually have an adult conversation tomorrow, but I’m betting on at least one hangover eating into that productivity. She is such an incredible woman, and we both learned and grew from one another a great deal in our time. I would still be broken in a big way without her. I never expected this to come to a head in this way. I’ve tried so hard, but I just don’t know if we can truly be good for one another in this kind of relationship.

Older than the ocean. Older than the night sky, I am.

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Swing, Swing, Swing

I went to bed super late and woke up when Summer made her coffee so I wouldn’t waste the day. We spent some time with the dog, and then she went to the gym while I tried to clean things up a bit. Suzanne and her godmother came over to return the old turtle tank I gave her, but I ended up telling her to just sell it and keep the money rather than let me put it into storage since I still have two large tanks that are unused.

Eaddie went out with Eli for an Easter service, and Summer and I eventually made it to the Neighborhood Market to get stuff to make salads and spaghetti for dinner. When we got home, I continued cleaning while she cooked. Then I took Muad’Dib out for a good run and returned Dad’s sledgehammer. I felt like that extra weight made my feet hurt on the Onewheel even more than usual.

The kids got home and we all sat down to eat a really great spaghetti dinner, and everything turned out really great. Summer cleaned up afterward, as I dealt with some minor aggravations. Later on, Eaddie went to chat with Summer in bed for a while, then came to talk to me as well. We ended up going to sit in the living room and had a great talk for a couple of hours until I started trying to fall asleep.

I should have known from the start.

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Tempestas Fugit

I got up this morning and considered taking Muad’Dib out for a bath, but as soon as I started petting him, even more hair came right out of his coat. He’ll need to get further along in his shedding before we bring him in for any length of time. I had plans to be pretty productive for the day, but it just didn’t happen. Summer was up and we were able to have what I thought was a long, meaningful chat. Eaddie had to prepare for prom when she got up, so all I really did after that was eat some tacos and then wait around for her.

Eli’s mom came over in the afternoon to do Eaddie’s hair and makeup. As they finished up, we got some pictures and then went outside to wait for his dad and sister to come and take pictures outside. I took Muad’Dib up the street for a quick jaunt just to burn some energy, and he jumped into Eli’s opened driver-side door when we got back. He knows cars are for adventures now, and he’s not afraid to go for it. The kids did great, and even Muad’Dib sat still long enough for some photos before they left.

Summer and I chatted some more in the evening, and I eventually got outside to grill a couple of burgers for dinner. It was dark by then, so I took Muad’Dib out for a run and tried to catch up with Shawna for a bit. We stopped to see my parents and their new kitchen countertop, and then it was a fairly quick night to bed. The kids came home to change before going to the after-prom party, but neither of us could stay up as late as they would be.

So taxing.

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Wheird

Muad’Dib ended up staying inside last night, but he behaved well and stayed on the ground, at least until the end of the night. I woke up thinking I heard him scratching in the corner, and my stirring caused him to jump up into me in the bed. I took him outside and couldn’t get to sleep again until my alarm went off. It was a rough start, but I was the first one there after the old men. Randy was at the co-op all day.

I had the hardest time concentrating on anything today, but things turned out pretty alright in the end. I’ve been feeling sinus issues coming on slowly, and they continually got worse throughout the day. Jim called and wanted some printer help at central office, so I had to drive across town for a little while. Beyond that, I skipped lunch and ended up staying at the office late until Summer was ready to meet in Maumelle for Eaddie’s All-State concert.

We went to El Charro Bar and Grill for dinner first, and I talked to her about my conversations with Shawna. It all went pretty well, as I suspected. All three of us individually have some things to work through to figure out what we want, and I don’t think any of us think it’s the worst idea to all be friends in spite of a little history. Maybe some shared trauma dumping will help everyone.

We got to the high school just in time to be seated for Eaddie’s concert. They did great, but I think my heart was pounding from dinner, running around, and being slightly uncomfortable in my work clothes. The kids did wonderfully, but I wish I could have focused better.

Shawna called while I was driving home and I offered every ounce of support that I could. I hope that reminiscing with her helped to bring a little bit of peace. Muad’Dib was amped up with the zoomies when I got home, so I ended up racing him around the block a couple times before the girls got home. I didn’t have time to do laundry, so it’s dress socks tomorrow!

I really don’t think you guys are considering the healing benefits of having a sister wife.