Tag: anxiety

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This Feels Redundant

I had an anxiety attack at some point this morning that hit me pretty quickly, but I shook it off. My two big tasks for the day were to call Brandon and get access to the password manager he set up, and then reinstall the second firewall after hours.

I went to McDonald’s for a late lunch, and then had an episode of rapid heartrate and feeling a bit like I was going to pass out near the end of the day. Maybe I psyched myself out about making network changes without the benefit of cellular service in case something went wrong. I just breathed through it until I didn’t feel dizzy.

Bret from Ashton called right on time, and it was a pretty quick and easy job to get the firewall in place. I actually re-racked it to match the other one, instead of the other way around, since all the cables would be up front. I wasn’t paying attention to the time, and we actually started the process early. I thought I’d be staying late, but I actually finished about ten minutes before I normally leave.

I checked my blood pressure pretty high, but wasn’t feeling bad, so I headed home. They had locked me in, so I had to make my way out through the factory side. Eaddie had taken Muad’Dib to his vet appointment in the afternoon, and they were hanging out at home when I got there. Eli was there and then gone again to get some snacks for them. Summer got home from work and had to get cleaned up from her long day.

I took Muad’Dib for a casual run, then found Mom watering plants outside while Dad was at church for something. She offered some bánh ướt(?) inside, and though it was getting late, I was pretty hungry. Muad’Dib laid down in the laundry room like a good boy while I made my food, and then Dad got home just as I was running out the door.

We got home well after dark and Summer was in bed while the kids were watching TV.

able to be omitted without loss of meaning or function

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sdrawkcaB

I dragged out of bed this morning, and pretty immediately felt sick to the stomach. I got to work about half an hour later than I have been, but still within the parameters I was given, so I didn’t bother messaging ahead that I’d be late. I brought a container of some leftover rice, chicken, and veggies for lunch that looked a lot more like supper, but I was a little bit afraid to eat it.

I had an anxiety attack early on. Then I had a couple of meetings to sit in on, and felt mildly productive with some other things as well. I hope people like me.

I happened to go downstairs to warm up my food a little late and ran into Elizabeth as she warmed up her own. We ended up sitting in the breakroom to eat, and then Janice joined us. Elizabeth made a comment about someone who was voted one of the top nurses in the state, and then showed me a picture of my old friend Tiffany. I guess she’s dating Tiffany’s father, or something of the sorts.

The afternoon went by a little quicker, though I stayed a bit late and then got hung up in traffic for the second day in a row. I thought about stopping by Taco Bell to pick up a Tuesday deal I scored, since it would expire overnight, but ended up going straight to the house instead.

Summer and Eaddie were working on a chicken salad for pitas, and some guacamole for dinner, but it looked a lot more like lunch. It was really good though, and Eaddie brought Noah over to join us since he wrecked his car today, only then learning that his insurance had expired.

I took Muad’Dib for a run, visited with a little corgi named Kaylee, saw my parents, then made it home for the night. I gave him a good bath, and then tried to get to bed as quickly as I could. That was when I remembered Taco Bell. I couldn’t place a future order, and the kids wouldn’t pick it up for me, so Muad’Dib and I ran out to get it. To make things worse, the closer restaurant couldn’t make it, according to the app, so we had to drive all the way across town.

stank boys

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Roll On

I went straight to my office this morning. I definitely had an anxiety attack. A little while later I went downstairs for coffee and a bit of social…ism? It didn’t take long before I had questions coming at me, for programs which I was barely familiar.

I brought a bologna croissant, then spent a fairly long, fairly lonely, fairly cold afternoon upstairs.

The kids were gone when I got to the house, but Eaddie had received my Onewheel from UPS. I put it on the charger, brought Muad’Dib inside for a vacuum and to wash his paws, and then we went for a run.

We went around the block before going to Sonic for some mozzarella sticks. Summer was nearing quitting time, so I texted her and she actually met me there to get a corndog. We ate, and then Muad’Dib and I chased her down the road toward home. I had to wave her off to keep him from overexherting himself, and it was a slow walk the rest of our time out.

We zig-zagged a bit around our usual course and stopped at my parents’ house. Mom was asleep and Dad was out, so we waited for him to get home. I had a little bit of his scalloped potatoes, and then we made it back to the house where I gave him another good vacuuming and a spritz of cologne before bed.

Do it again. Only 14,669 to go.

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CTRL-C

Soylent, banana, bologna burger, Power Automate.

I might have had another anxiety attack. I can’t remember.

The girls were at the gym when I got home, so Muad’Dib and I stopped by my parents’ house for some potatoes. I washed his feet when we got home, then baked potatoes to go along with leftover ribs and chicken. The girls were preoccupied, so I ate alone, took out the recycling, and eventually made it to bed long after them.

CTRL-V

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Strangers Again

Muad’Dib didn’t want me to leave without him this morning. He followed me out and laid down behind my car, so I backed out slowly and tried to drive away. He ran after me, so I backed up to the driveway and Summer had to come get him. He laid down in the street, so she picked him up and carried him back home.

I had an anxiety attack sometime in the morning, and just sat at my desk as it passed. I sat in that room all day, staring at the screens in front of me. I had brought a bologna sandwich for lunch, and then had a conference call with our HubSpot rep at the end of the day.

It kind of seemed like Shane was a little slow to answer the rep’s questions, possibly because they hadn’t really had a sales strategy before, or at least not a formal process. This felt a little odd to basically be told that the business was doing really well without even trying. Obviously I’m still new to that world and lack any context, but it seemed to me that building an efficient and effective marketing and sales strategy could make things explode. I just hope I do a good job for them.

When I got back to town, I stopped to check on Summer at Superfast. She expected to be home after closing, but ended up right behind me when I got to the house. I waited until Mom was home from work and then headed over for dinner. Muad’Dib wanted to go out, so I let him run beside the car. He listened really well as I called out directions to him, and we got a couple stares from people we passed. I ended up stopping to pick up some poop, then drove him the last block.

My parents had left for the grocery store when we got there, so I dipped my toes in the pool while we waited. Once they got back home, Dad and I ate the chow mein while Mom did some more cooking. Then we headed back to the house so I could give Muad’Dib a bath.

It was a quiet night after that, though I would have liked to go to bed a bit earlier. The days feel like they’re getting longer.

left for dead

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Re-Store

I struggled to get rolling this morning, but I had one big task I wanted to complete, which was getting blood drawn for my upcoming appointment. I had some leftover hibachi stuff I had made on the grill, then got cleaned up for a trip out. Eaddie was trapped cleaning her room all day, so I took Muad’Dib and went to the hospital.

As luck would have it, the Genesis Cancer and Blood Institute was closed today. It didn’t even cross my mind to check their hours, but evidently they’re only there Tuesday through Thursday. We left there and ended up going to Summer’s storage unit on a whim just to see what she had moved.

After a few frustrating minutes of finding my way into the facility, locating the building, and then locating the storage unit, I was in. She had rented a fairly large space and piled up a few boxes of my stuff in the corner. It seemed to take her multiple trips in her Model Y, so I was worried at first, but I was able to fit all of it in my Model 3 even with the dog in the back seat. We headed home and I told her to cancel the rental.

I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening going through my stuff, reorganizing and familiarizing myself with where things were. Being highly dependent upon spatial awareness, having my shit moved is incredibly jarring. I managed to figure out most of it, and separated a few things to sell in the process. At one point I started digging through the dog’s locker and had a pretty quick anxiety attack.

Eaddie left for the gym and Summer got home late after closing the lube. It started thunderstorming just as I had decided to take Muad’Dib out for an acoustic walk, so we were stuck inside. He hadn’t had a good run in a week, so he took a long bathroom break out in the rain, and I decided to give him a good bath. He did fairly well, but then got distracted when the kids got home and ate a bunch of leftovers.

Summer has a run sometime tomorrow, but with the storm rolling through, it’s anyone’s guess what actually happens.

What a Shock. Top dinner.

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wasted space

I slept hard with hard dreams. Summer went to work in Conway after cancelling her oncology appointment. Eaddie left to meet with her advisor and make her class schedule. I managed to get out of bed and make a bologna sandwich to eat over the sink.

It was quiet all day, so I finished my new hire paperwork and then did my best to motivate myself to clean. The kids eventually came back, and Eaddie started some laundry while they watched TV. I climbed around and scrubbed some difficult spots in the shower. Summer had a relatively short day, so we planned to meet at Cici’s for an early dinner.

The kids and I met her there after she finished at the gym. While we were eating, I spotted Josh as he came in to meet his wife and kids. We had a laugh about him still not having his house finished. Then Eaddie rode home with Summer, and Eli and I took the fast car home.

I tried to take Muad’Dib out for a run later in the evening, but the Onewheel appeared dead. I couldn’t get any lights out of it. We came back in and I had a pretty heavy anxiety attack while vacuuming his fur. It was a short night after that.

☀️—————————🌎󠀠󠀠————————🌘————————-☄️

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Big, Bad Waffle

I hardly got any sleep again last night because I stayed up too late writing reviews, and then when I finally laid down in bed, my mind was racing. I eventually passed out and woke up to a bright orange sun peeking over the horizon beyond the lake. I didn’t take much time to enjoy that before taking a shower so I could meet the guys for breakfast.

I met Randy, Kyle, and Jim at Phil’s Family Restaurant across town, and it was a cute little restaurant in an old house. I ordered their waffle special, and it was a ton of food. The waffle was awful though, and had a rubbery pancake texture like it was just pressed into a waffle maker after it had already been cooked as a pancake. It wasn’t crispy on the outside at all, and they charged me an additional $1.29 for a tiny cup of peanut butter. The servings on the eggs and hashbrowns were enormous though. It said it came with two eggs, but there had to be at least four scrambled on my plate.

I think Randy was the only one that had anything scheduled today. I was pretty sure I told Maggie I wanted another class in the afternoon, but I didn’t get anything. Jim disappeared, and I don’t know if Randy took Kyle to sneak into another class, but I ended up heading back to my room by myself, but I stopped at Proglide Car Wash first because I was long overdue.

I ended up signing up for an unlimited plan because they had a $10 special for their best wash. When I got around to the entry, I saw that they had a guide that I was worried about hitting, so I stopped and talked to one of the employees. He insisted they had never had any trouble with Teslas, so I took the chance. I wasn’t super excited when the two of them then got some soapy sponges out to try and scrub off the worst parts. I’ve had bug guts with grit in them, and I didn’t want them to scratch my paint. I let it happen though, and made it through the wash without incident. I stopped to vacuum my car, checked the rims and paint, and then went back around for a second wash to get some more of the bird poop that it couldn’t remove the first time. The guy cleaned it off by hand, and then I finally made it back to the hotel.

I worked all day on Vine reviews to try and get my ratio up, and I’m still showing only 80% reviewed for some reason. I can’t seem to figure out how they’re calculating their number. Beverly Hills Cop II was on, so I watched most of that, followed by some of Beverly Hills Cop. That seemed counterintuitive, but what do I know? A storm started to roll in, and I watched part of the new RoboCop remake. Eventually I met Randy and Kyle downstairs and took them downtown to meet Todd at The Rooftop Bar for the ProMAS social.

The food and drinks, and the outdoor restaurant atmosphere was more my speed, even if our server appeared to be the only one serving the entire restaurant, but the guys wanted to move on to the Howard social across town. We went straight to H2O HAWG, the usual biker bar that Woody rents out. We were followed by Sam, the Jessieville coordinator that we had met at the previous place, and we chatted among a small crowd. Kyle, Sam, and I played some darts, and I won a Yeti mug in a drawing at the end of the night.

We got back to the hotel and it was a slow wind down for me. I tried to crunch some more numbers, but I could just never make it work out. Hopefully it all comes together in a couple of days though.

Wing and a Prayer

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Welcome to My Level

Summer had to check Eaddie in to band camp this morning, and then went to the gym. I worked on more Vine reviews and then took a shower. I talked to Dad about what he might want to do for Father’s Day, and he ultimately landed on pizza. Julie and Kevin were out of town, so it would just be Summer and me to come over.

We thought we might walk, but it started to rain and we decided to take him in the car anyway. It was a pretty short visit. We ate and then went back home so I could continue cleaning up and working on reviews before my conference week. I tried to wait until it got a little cooler and then took Muad’Dib out for a run. I thought we’d go by the Neighborhood Market to drop off some recycling that had been sitting in the laundry room. We generate so many plastic bags, but I don’t even remember the last time I went to Walmart to be able to recycle them.

On the ride down, I had a pretty wild anxiety attack. I was riding down the hill and then became super disoriented. I remember seeing the street sign and then just used muscle memory to guide me on down the road. I shook it off and we made it to the store without any more trouble. It didn’t take long to drop off the bags, though I wish they would put their bin back by the front door so I wouldn’t have to keep walking it in to the service desk.

We rode back to our normal path, but avoided the flooded basin. We visited my parents again, and I dipped my feet in the pool while I tried washing some of the dirt off of Muad’Dib’s paws. We got home and I took him to the bathtub just to scrub his feet, and he didn’t protest too much. It seemed like Summer started to feel the stress I’d been feeling for the past several months, so we talked very briefly and then just sat together for a bit before I continued cleaning.

I got a load of laundry done and packed way too late, so I got to bed about two hours later than I wanted. I’ll let the adrenaline of Highway 7 wake me up in the morning.

But you turned into a pretty big waste of my time.

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Just Quit Already

Last night was the first night I slept in my own bed since we bought the house. I just needed some time and space to ground myself. I made it to work and looked at my new-hire stuff for Bitec, then talked to Randy about it. He was immediately supportive, and we chatted for a bit before I went back to my desk to draft let Gemini draft a resignation letter.

It was pretty quiet after that. I spent more time working on my paperwork than anything for actual work. By lunch time, it had started to rain pretty heavily. Randy drove Jay and me to BJ’s where we met Kyle and Jim for some white people food. It stopped raining by the time we left, but we were already pretty soaked.

After lunch, I told Maggie about my job offer, and after some quick math, we determined that today was essentially my last real day at work. I have a conference in Hot Springs all next week, followed by a couple sick days for Summer’s oncology appointment, and finally two vacation days. I’ll only have one day left after that, so I might as well take a sick day. I spent the rest of the day packing up my things so I could take them home.

The afternoon actually went by pretty slowly, as the rain started again. Summer said she was making dinner, and Maristella was there with Eaddie. Traffic was super bad through Conway, but I eventually made it home. She made pork chops, green beans, and mashed potatoes that were all pretty good.

After dinner, I took Muad’Dib for a run to try and avoid any more rain. We went around the basin trail because I was afraid it might have flooded, and on the way out of that area we saw my parents drive by. We tried to follow them, assuming they were going to the Neighborhood Market, but they weren’t. We sat at a bench there, realized they were already back home, and headed back across town to find them.

After a quick dip in the creek, we visited my parents. Then we made it home where Summer and I had a chat outside on the porch. Neither of us have a clue how to make any of this right, and both of us are miserable. It was actually a bit of a relief that she admitted it herself. I don’t know whether any of it can be made better, but all I really hope is to find some common ground where we can stop resenting each other all of the time.

Of course the evening after that wouldn’t have been complete without its own unique set of frustrations. I’ve been at the point, for a while, where I truly don’t know what the preferred outcome would be. Timing is everything, and that fucking sucks.

I wrapped it all up by giving Muad’Dib a bath, since he had taken a dip in the creek on our run. I had an anxiety attack in the middle of it, but that’s just life now. He hated the bath, but then he loved being vacuumed, and the bow on top was wrestling with me and Eaddie before bed.

kys