Tag: anxiety

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Down ‘Till Out

I didn’t sleep very long, and it hurt all day. I got up and warmed up the last of the pizza for brunch. Summer did some work from home, and I did a load of dishes. I eventually had a shower and took the dogs out for a nice, long run. Mom and Dad saw me by the roundabout and circled around to holler at me, but there was traffic. We kept running through the neighborhoods until we got home.

I cleaned up some more stuff in the fridge, and roasted the turkey carcasses in the oven so I could make soup. Eaddie was playing in a community concert at Tech in the evening, so we eventually got around for that. Summer and I ran by Walgreens first, but the pharmacy was closed. She needed a lemon, so we ran to the Neighborhood Market for that, then picked up Dad for the concert.

I was surprised at how many empty seats there were, on account of how many people were playing in the band. It was a decent concert for a single day of rehearsal. Then it was back home where Summer crashed and I cooked down the turkey bones into soup. I was up pretty late taking care of that, so hopefully the end product is worth it.

Bone Sifter

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That’s an A

I wasn’t sure who would be at work today. Maggie stopped in briefly, but left. I eventually saw Charles and Gary separately at different times of the day. I sat in the dark for the entirety of it. Just before lunch, a girl knocked on the door and wanted to know if I could help after she locked herself out of her Prius. I told her I didn’t have any tools to try such a thing, and she said nobody else was capable of Googling a locksmith for her, so I called one for her and then waited with her until he showed up.

After that, I went to Arby’s for some cheap lunch. Then the afternoon dragged until I finally left a bit early. The car was reporting that I would have to charge to make it home, but I pressed on. I stopped to see Summer in Conway, then took the highway to Plumerville before getting back on the interstate. That got me home without any stress.

I felt like my blood pressure was super high, but it wasn’t when I checked it at home. I took the dogs out for a really long run over to Ridgewood Brothers. Robert took another spin on the Onewheel, and then I continued around Kroger and up the bike path to the middle school before heading to my parents’ house. Dad was flying the drone and following us around until we got there. By then I couldn’t feel my fingers or toes, so we headed home for treats.

I warmed up some leftover pizza and cleaned up as much as I could. Eli and the girls were watching some documentary series on Michael Jordan, so I went to my room and wrapped up my own stuff before bed. I should be safe with over 90% of my Vine orders reviewed, so I’m excited to see what the next tier unlocks.

Break couldn’t have come soon enough.

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Don’t Be Salty

I was super tired this morning, and got a slow start because of it. I switched things up a little so I could get out of the house earlier, and got to work a couple minutes early, right behind Randy. He hung around the office for a while today. Maggie was out, so otherwise it was super quiet. Charles was the only one that stopped in at all, and he talked to me for a little while.

I met Randy and Jim at Skinny J’s for lunch, and they had a $6 turkey sandwich that was pretty good. I hate paying for a lunch meat sandwich in a restaurant, but I felt like the price was okay, and all of the food I’ve ever had there has been pretty good. I did my best to avoid any extra salt because my blood pressure had been high all morning. I ended up taking a clonidine to try and get it down a bit.

Randy got fighting mad with some of the other admin, so we worked on the Technology Handbook some more, then had a pretty easy afternoon until we left. Even though we were out a little earlier than usual, I still ran into stupidly slow traffic on the way home. Cars were driving under the speed limit for absolutely no reason, and not allowing people to pass.

I got home in a rush just before Summer got there, and took the dogs out for a run. It was pretty cold, and still wet in places, but they did a good job. We skipped the basin trail in favor of some more neighborhood blocks, stopped to see Dad, then made it home for some hot dogs.

It was only Tuesday and I was already running a pretty bad deficit on sleep, so I did my best to crash early. Eaddie came home and wanted more help ordering for Christmas, and then it was off to bed.

Review all the things!

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Back to Black

Today was pretty rainy and warm. I got to work, and Kyle was oddly the only one there. He hung out for a little while, but then left for his office the rest of the day. Charles brought in a bunch of leftover pizza and cookies from a party that he had over the weekend, so nobody got out for lunch. Otherwise I was with Maggie and Randy all day, except Randy kept having to run to central office to help with random things.

I got a call from a message from Tesla that they would have to change my delivery from Tulsa to Kansas City if I wanted to finance through them, since Oklahoma wouldn’t allow them to sell me the car because laws. Then I got a call from Kyle in Kansas City to say they wouldn’t be able to get a red Model 3 with the white interior before the end of the year, thus disqualifying me from the incentive. He had a red with the black interior, or other paint colors I could choose from, but I told him it had to be red. I decided to think on it a bit and then call him back.

I looked up some more comparison pictures and reviews, then called back to accept the black interior, but he said someone just bought it, so they didn’t have a red car for me at all. I told him to cancel the order, and that there were no hard feelings. Just as I was closing everything down and shaking off the excitement, he called back to say that he felt bad about the other car being sold out from under me that he did some legwork and got approved to transfer a red with black from Texas to Kansas City so I would still qualify. I took the offer, then had to redo my loan application because I was dumb and included our entire mortgage amount in what I reported. For some reason I went lawful-good and thought I had to tell the absolute truth, but Kyle said to just change the amount I pay and see if I get a better offer.

Apart from that, there wasn’t any excitement until quitting time. I left a little early so I could pick up some flowers for Summer, and somewhere after Conway I ran into a torrential downpour. There were a dozen cars pulled over, and at least one Miata-sized car spun out in the median. I got to town safely, picked up some flowers from Walmart, then picked Summer up at the lube and took her to Brangus for our anniversary.

After we finished our undercooked steaks, we ran home to clean up before Eaddie’s Christmas concert. We picked up Dad along the way, then sat through two bands worth of music. My heart was racing the entire time, and I couldn’t ever get it to calm down. On the way out, the cranky old grandparents snubbed Summer while they were visiting with Eaddie. We got out pretty quickly after that because it upset Summer. We had a near-successful summon for the Model Y, dropped Dad off at their house, then went home to wind down and get to bed.

Runaway rollercoaster!

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Cleaning Dash

I woke up pretty early this morning and fed the dogs before I got to work cleaning up the house. With my parents’ house in disarray from the water damage, we’ll have the most room to have Christmas here, but there hasn’t been a flat surface anywhere in the entire house for weeks. I had a ton of projects to finish, and precisely one day to complete most of it.

I did a fair job, but I just kept unearthing more and more stuff. Between periods of cleaning, I kept an eye on my blood pressure. Then I’d take breaks to pump out some Vine reviews as I got those particular things cleaned up and out of the way.

Dad texted that Mom was making bún thang, but I didn’t realize that she was only just starting. I took a shower and kept on cleaning. Summer came home from the gym and took a shower, but then complained about feeling lightheaded, so I took her blood pressure again before I left.

The dogs chewed up more of the water hose at some point last night, and I assumed it was because they hadn’t been out on a run, so I knew I needed to get them out. I took the Onewheel to my parents’ house, hoping the wet ground wouldn’t affect me too bad, but it did. My entire leg and shoe were soaked by the time I got there.

I left them in the pen and went in to eat, then took them back home so I could continue cleaning up. It was also our only weekend to really be home as a family, so we had to decorate the Christmas trees. The girls did most of that because I started to feel a little off for some reason. I never did get to the old house like I planned, but Eaddie and I will be the only ones on an extended Christmas break, so I guess that’s my time.

As I got ready for bed, I got a tiny bill from my first ER visit at Baptist Health for $11. It looked like there was also a “pending” insurance payment of nearly $4k, but I also know I’m on a high deductible plan. Hopefully that’s not “pending” a denial before it’s passed along to me, but I have a feeling that it is. I guess we’ll wait and see, but I’ll be really surprised if I’m only responsible for $11 for that visit, when St. Mary’s took $300 for doing basically nothing.

I guess that was my calculated risk to take, so hopefully I still came out ahead over time.

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Reverse Mormons

I snoozed this morning, so I got to work through virtually no traffic about half an hour late. Just as I got parked and charging, Randy, Kyle, Maggie, and her girls all walked out of the office to go to Sam’s to pick up stuff for the Christmas party. It didn’t look like anyone else was really around the building, so I just hopped in Kyle’s Jeep with Randy and went with them.

The store didn’t actually open for about 20 more minutes, so I went with the guys to fill up on some gas before going back to meet the girls. Then we walked through the store, looking like an odd group of reverse-Mormons, and each got an assortment of things we needed for the party. I ended up getting a bunch of salad kits and a case of Member’s Mark hard seltzer.

We got back to the office, and things were quiet. The morning went by pretty quickly, and Jim came to get Randy and me to go to BJ’s for their catfish special. We had a relatively quiet lunch and then went back to the office to kill the rest of the day until the party.

Summer had to work in town, so she just went to Conway and I met her at Target after work. We shopped for her Dirty Santa gift, then headed back to Jim’s house in North Little Rock for the party. I’d been to his house, but never in it, and it was super nice. We eventually got the tour, and he was right. It really was his wife’s “HGTV” moment. They completely rebuilt everything, and it was like a model home. They had a couple fire pits on the large back deck, and plenty of space inside to entertain.

Maggie eventually showed up with pizza, and then we played Left Center Right with dollar bills, and exchanged Dirty Santa gifts. I ended up with a coffee mug, and Summer got a snowglobe. I think only a couple people stole gifts, which kind of spoke to how silly most of them were. In hindsight, I wished I had stolen the Really Loud Librarians game that someone else got.

We eventually had to leave, and made our way to Conway for a quick charge before heading home. Eaddie went to bed as soon as we got there, as did Summer. I wasn’t far behind after such a long day.

Gotta get the kids gambling their lunch money!

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Keep It Under 100

I didn’t think I slept great, or for very long last night. I actually woke up before my alarm and decided to get up for work. I didn’t even get through the whole routine, but made it out the door early enough to take it easy going in. I didn’t really have any trouble for the drive in, and I think people were glad to see I was still kicking. I took my blood pressure cuff with me, and checked it several times throughout the day. In spite of taking it super easy all day, it got higher and higher to the point that I had to start taking clonidine around lunch time.

I met Randy and Jim at Jacob’s Wings for lunch, and I don’t think those helped me much. I had forgotten their “boneless wings” were more like sliced chicken strips, but they were good. It was a super quiet lunch, and then I headed back to the office to charge.

The afternoon was quiet too, and I tried to sneak out a little bit early to try and avoid traffic. I could feel the frustration rising, but I never really got a lump in my throat or felt bad at all. I made it home where Summer had been cooking turkey dumplings for dinner. I took the dogs out for a quick run in the dark, and they were pretty great. I almost slipped and died because the basin trail had flooded and left a slick layer of silt on the sidewalk, but I stuck the landing. We made it to visit Dad, then back home in good time.

I was excited at first when Summer and I sat down to eat, but that quickly turned to more frustration. She pulled the meat off of my turkey bones that I was going to use for soup, and didn’t actually cook any of the bones for her dish. That would have made it better than using powdered chicken broth. She also added heavy cream to the broth, as well as my entire container of turkey gravy for some reason. Her mood of course went sour the instant she knew I wasn’t happy about it. Since she was on a hot streak with the food, she also failed to run the correct cycle on the dishwasher.

I ended up leaving the dumplings at the table and pulled out the rotting salad she had forgotten in the fridge instead. I sorted out what was still edible and planned to eat it, but my blood pressure got too high. I took my third clonidine for the day and tried to calm myself down, but just kept upsetting myself further. I really don’t know how to fix any of this. I’m pretty sure living together is killing me.

Eaddie got home super late from something, but Summer couldn’t say what. I just had to separate myself and get to bed as quickly as I could.

I’m used to not having anyone on my side.

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Over Pressure

I woke up to some pretty good numbers, and the lump in my chest was gone. I just had to keep that up for a drive to Fort Smith, and things would be peachy. I took it a little bit too easy all morning, because I was late getting showered and over to my parents’ house to pick them up.

Eaddie had rehearsal with her quintet, so Summer, my parents, and I headed to Fort Smith for the magic club Christmas potluck. It was pretty rainy most of the way, but we made it with plenty of time. I could feel my body tensing up the entire drive, so I knew my numbers would be high when we got there. I was at about 142/89 when we stopped, so I ended up taking a clonidine as soon as we got inside to try and bring myself back down. That may have actually worked against me, because by the time we left I was above 160/100. My heart started racing a couple hours before that, and I couldn’t get it to slow down all night.

I had Summer drive us home while I tried to get myself calmed down. I felt reasonably relaxed in the back seat, but my heart just kept beating hard. We stopped in Ozark to charge, and I jumped around a little bit outside, thinking that maybe I could burn off some adrenaline. I felt okay for the most part. My heart was just trying to beat out of my chest.

We dropped my parents off and made it home, where I kept relatively active the rest of the night. I had several Vine packages to unbox and photograph, which means I need to get some more reviews done. I tinkered with some stuff in the car for a bit, and ended up taking apart the USB console because it had some soda spilled in it. Summer did her nails, and we waited for Eaddie to get home from watching Wicked for something like the third time. I eventually took another clonidine and did some breathing exercises in bed to try and calm myself down. My heart rate came down a bit, but my blood pressure never really did. I just had to wrap things up and get to bed.

I feel like Jason Statham in “Crank.”

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The Lump

I slept really late today, and my blood pressure wasn’t ever particularly good. Summer was gone for a run in Vilonia, and Eaddie was at a robotics tournament all day. I felt like I had a lump at the bottom of my throat or the top of my chest, almost like someone was sitting on me all day. Dad got me on a three-way call with his old friend Ben for some medical advice, and it was mostly the same stuff I’ve heard. Unfortunately there doesn’t seem to be an immediate answer, much less a fix, for what ails me.

Summer came home, bathed, and started cleaning up for Christmas. We got the trees out, but she set them all up herself. She put one in Eaddie’s room like we talked about last year, and then put the two matching ones in the living room. I really wanted to help, and I didn’t exactly feel “bad,” but I didn’t feel good.

I eventually got showered and took the dogs for a run to my parents’ house. Mom warmed up some phở for me because she thought I might be sick of spaghetti or mango soup for some reason. It was good, and I wasn’t terribly bothered by my throat. That had been more of a general discomfort all day.

After I ate, I took the dogs on a night run through the basin and back home. My neck flashlight went out just as I was trying to clean up some poop, but luckily it was mostly solid. We got back home and I fed the dogs, who immediately went back to the squirrel they had killed earlier in the day. I asked Summer to dispose of it, but she forgot while she was wrapping presents, and I didn’t feel like chasing them down in the yard in the dark.

Eaddie came home and was excited about the tree in her room. Summer wound down with another bath and went to bed. My blood pressure went up again for seemingly no reason, so I took a clonidine and laid down with Summer for a while. I got the chills and couldn’t stop shivering under the heated blanket, but I eventually dozed off for a little bit. Once my heart rate went back down, I finished up my nightly routine and went to bed.

Jitters

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Just Breathe

My blood pressure wasn’t fantastic when I got up this morning, but it was my “normal” high level. Summer left for work after we fed the dogs, and I made myself an egg and cheese biscuit for breakfast again. I followed that with a banana and grilled cheese since I was slightly low on potassium. I started both my 5mg amlodipine and 25mg metoprolol, then tried to relax a bit on the computer before taking a shower.

My numbers kept climbing for a while before they kind of leveled out again. It had me a bit worried, but I eventually felt confident enough to take the dogs out for a ride. I even put Max’s antler from the Grinch on Stilgar, and he didn’t oppose it at all. Muad’Dib kept wanting to bite at it, but I eventually told him “no” enough that he quit altogether. Stilgar wore the headband the entire way to the Ridgewood Brothers to see the crew there.

Everyone came out and was super excited for either the Onewheel or the dogs. Even Robert took a spin on the Onewheel, then promptly wiped out. We hung out for a little while before heading back up the road where we stopped to see Mollie at her house. She came out onto the porch for a bit, but we didn’t stay long before heading home. We made our way through the basin where Stilgar wanted to be an alligator. I put the antler on Muad’Dib, but it was really too big for him, and it kept falling down under his chin. I got it back on Stilgar and we made it to my parents’ house, but they weren’t home.

The dogs got hot dogs and food when we got home, and I spent some time relaxing to keep my blood pressure down. It didn’t seem to help, because the longer I sat, the higher it rose. I decided pretty early that I shouldn’t drive by myself to Conway to see Eaddie’s performance. Then I started to get a lump in my throat, and I called Dad to take me to the clinic when I hit 155/102.

Mom drove them to the house and we headed to the clinic in a fashion that had me stressing out even more. As soon as I got checked in, I sat down and then had a dizzy spell like I did at the self-care fair. Things started to get dark and I thought I might black out, so I told my parents to get someone. It didn’t feel like I was met with as much urgency as I intended, but I pulled out of my spell enough to talk to the ladies that came out. Much like the urgent care clinic, they couldn’t really do anything for me and instead called the paramedics.

The trucks pulled into the lot pretty quickly, but it took them a while to get inside. I had moved into a wheelchair for ease of mobility, and before the guys came in, I started to have another slight dizzy episode without so much blacking out. They came in and took blood sugar, blood pressure, and my oxygen level, and decided they couldn’t do anything more than DoorDash me to the hospital. They did offer to load me up into our own car so I wouldn’t get a bill, but by the time we finished talking, I was good enough to walk again.

We left the clinic, and I had Mom take me to the house to use the restroom and grab my blood pressure cuff. Then we drove to the hospital and sat in the parking lot for a while, testing my blood pressure several times to see that it was going down. Once it got low enough that I felt comfortable leaving, we went to their house for some food.

Mom made me some mango soup while I watched my blood pressure start to rise again. Summer came over after dropping Eaddie off at home, and we ultimately decided it might be best to go to the hospital. The two of us got to the emergency room and checked in. There were several of us in the waiting room, and strangely, they called everyone back at the same time after a mysterious amount of waiting. Summer and I were in a room near the back and waited a while for a young, Vietnamese doctor to come check me out. My blood pressure had continued to drop a bit, and after recounting the last few days to him, his recommendation was to modify my normal medication timing and then follow up with my PCP. He offered to give me more meds and re-run all of the same bloodwork, but indicated that he didn’t really think it was necessary.

We were eventually discharged, and I suppose I earn enough by now that paying the bill didn’t send me into another event. We went home, Summer crawled into bed, and I wrapped up way too slowly for how tired I was.

Solidarity in healthcare providers.