Tag: anxiety

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Back to Black

Today was pretty rainy and warm. I got to work, and Kyle was oddly the only one there. He hung out for a little while, but then left for his office the rest of the day. Charles brought in a bunch of leftover pizza and cookies from a party that he had over the weekend, so nobody got out for lunch. Otherwise I was with Maggie and Randy all day, except Randy kept having to run to central office to help with random things.

I got a call from a message from Tesla that they would have to change my delivery from Tulsa to Kansas City if I wanted to finance through them, since Oklahoma wouldn’t allow them to sell me the car because laws. Then I got a call from Kyle in Kansas City to say they wouldn’t be able to get a red Model 3 with the white interior before the end of the year, thus disqualifying me from the incentive. He had a red with the black interior, or other paint colors I could choose from, but I told him it had to be red. I decided to think on it a bit and then call him back.

I looked up some more comparison pictures and reviews, then called back to accept the black interior, but he said someone just bought it, so they didn’t have a red car for me at all. I told him to cancel the order, and that there were no hard feelings. Just as I was closing everything down and shaking off the excitement, he called back to say that he felt bad about the other car being sold out from under me that he did some legwork and got approved to transfer a red with black from Texas to Kansas City so I would still qualify. I took the offer, then had to redo my loan application because I was dumb and included our entire mortgage amount in what I reported. For some reason I went lawful-good and thought I had to tell the absolute truth, but Kyle said to just change the amount I pay and see if I get a better offer.

Apart from that, there wasn’t any excitement until quitting time. I left a little early so I could pick up some flowers for Summer, and somewhere after Conway I ran into a torrential downpour. There were a dozen cars pulled over, and at least one Miata-sized car spun out in the median. I got to town safely, picked up some flowers from Walmart, then picked Summer up at the lube and took her to Brangus for our anniversary.

After we finished our undercooked steaks, we ran home to clean up before Eaddie’s Christmas concert. We picked up Dad along the way, then sat through two bands worth of music. My heart was racing the entire time, and I couldn’t ever get it to calm down. On the way out, the cranky old grandparents snubbed Summer while they were visiting with Eaddie. We got out pretty quickly after that because it upset Summer. We had a near-successful summon for the Model Y, dropped Dad off at their house, then went home to wind down and get to bed.

Runaway rollercoaster!

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Cleaning Dash

I woke up pretty early this morning and fed the dogs before I got to work cleaning up the house. With my parents’ house in disarray from the water damage, we’ll have the most room to have Christmas here, but there hasn’t been a flat surface anywhere in the entire house for weeks. I had a ton of projects to finish, and precisely one day to complete most of it.

I did a fair job, but I just kept unearthing more and more stuff. Between periods of cleaning, I kept an eye on my blood pressure. Then I’d take breaks to pump out some Vine reviews as I got those particular things cleaned up and out of the way.

Dad texted that Mom was making bún thang, but I didn’t realize that she was only just starting. I took a shower and kept on cleaning. Summer came home from the gym and took a shower, but then complained about feeling lightheaded, so I took her blood pressure again before I left.

The dogs chewed up more of the water hose at some point last night, and I assumed it was because they hadn’t been out on a run, so I knew I needed to get them out. I took the Onewheel to my parents’ house, hoping the wet ground wouldn’t affect me too bad, but it did. My entire leg and shoe were soaked by the time I got there.

I left them in the pen and went in to eat, then took them back home so I could continue cleaning up. It was also our only weekend to really be home as a family, so we had to decorate the Christmas trees. The girls did most of that because I started to feel a little off for some reason. I never did get to the old house like I planned, but Eaddie and I will be the only ones on an extended Christmas break, so I guess that’s my time.

As I got ready for bed, I got a tiny bill from my first ER visit at Baptist Health for $11. It looked like there was also a “pending” insurance payment of nearly $4k, but I also know I’m on a high deductible plan. Hopefully that’s not “pending” a denial before it’s passed along to me, but I have a feeling that it is. I guess we’ll wait and see, but I’ll be really surprised if I’m only responsible for $11 for that visit, when St. Mary’s took $300 for doing basically nothing.

I guess that was my calculated risk to take, so hopefully I still came out ahead over time.

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Reverse Mormons

I snoozed this morning, so I got to work through virtually no traffic about half an hour late. Just as I got parked and charging, Randy, Kyle, Maggie, and her girls all walked out of the office to go to Sam’s to pick up stuff for the Christmas party. It didn’t look like anyone else was really around the building, so I just hopped in Kyle’s Jeep with Randy and went with them.

The store didn’t actually open for about 20 more minutes, so I went with the guys to fill up on some gas before going back to meet the girls. Then we walked through the store, looking like an odd group of reverse-Mormons, and each got an assortment of things we needed for the party. I ended up getting a bunch of salad kits and a case of Member’s Mark hard seltzer.

We got back to the office, and things were quiet. The morning went by pretty quickly, and Jim came to get Randy and me to go to BJ’s for their catfish special. We had a relatively quiet lunch and then went back to the office to kill the rest of the day until the party.

Summer had to work in town, so she just went to Conway and I met her at Target after work. We shopped for her Dirty Santa gift, then headed back to Jim’s house in North Little Rock for the party. I’d been to his house, but never in it, and it was super nice. We eventually got the tour, and he was right. It really was his wife’s “HGTV” moment. They completely rebuilt everything, and it was like a model home. They had a couple fire pits on the large back deck, and plenty of space inside to entertain.

Maggie eventually showed up with pizza, and then we played Left Center Right with dollar bills, and exchanged Dirty Santa gifts. I ended up with a coffee mug, and Summer got a snowglobe. I think only a couple people stole gifts, which kind of spoke to how silly most of them were. In hindsight, I wished I had stolen the Really Loud Librarians game that someone else got.

We eventually had to leave, and made our way to Conway for a quick charge before heading home. Eaddie went to bed as soon as we got there, as did Summer. I wasn’t far behind after such a long day.

Gotta get the kids gambling their lunch money!

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Keep It Under 100

I didn’t think I slept great, or for very long last night. I actually woke up before my alarm and decided to get up for work. I didn’t even get through the whole routine, but made it out the door early enough to take it easy going in. I didn’t really have any trouble for the drive in, and I think people were glad to see I was still kicking. I took my blood pressure cuff with me, and checked it several times throughout the day. In spite of taking it super easy all day, it got higher and higher to the point that I had to start taking clonidine around lunch time.

I met Randy and Jim at Jacob’s Wings for lunch, and I don’t think those helped me much. I had forgotten their “boneless wings” were more like sliced chicken strips, but they were good. It was a super quiet lunch, and then I headed back to the office to charge.

The afternoon was quiet too, and I tried to sneak out a little bit early to try and avoid traffic. I could feel the frustration rising, but I never really got a lump in my throat or felt bad at all. I made it home where Summer had been cooking turkey dumplings for dinner. I took the dogs out for a quick run in the dark, and they were pretty great. I almost slipped and died because the basin trail had flooded and left a slick layer of silt on the sidewalk, but I stuck the landing. We made it to visit Dad, then back home in good time.

I was excited at first when Summer and I sat down to eat, but that quickly turned to more frustration. She pulled the meat off of my turkey bones that I was going to use for soup, and didn’t actually cook any of the bones for her dish. That would have made it better than using powdered chicken broth. She also added heavy cream to the broth, as well as my entire container of turkey gravy for some reason. Her mood of course went sour the instant she knew I wasn’t happy about it. Since she was on a hot streak with the food, she also failed to run the correct cycle on the dishwasher.

I ended up leaving the dumplings at the table and pulled out the rotting salad she had forgotten in the fridge instead. I sorted out what was still edible and planned to eat it, but my blood pressure got too high. I took my third clonidine for the day and tried to calm myself down, but just kept upsetting myself further. I really don’t know how to fix any of this. I’m pretty sure living together is killing me.

Eaddie got home super late from something, but Summer couldn’t say what. I just had to separate myself and get to bed as quickly as I could.

I’m used to not having anyone on my side.

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Over Pressure

I woke up to some pretty good numbers, and the lump in my chest was gone. I just had to keep that up for a drive to Fort Smith, and things would be peachy. I took it a little bit too easy all morning, because I was late getting showered and over to my parents’ house to pick them up.

Eaddie had rehearsal with her quintet, so Summer, my parents, and I headed to Fort Smith for the magic club Christmas potluck. It was pretty rainy most of the way, but we made it with plenty of time. I could feel my body tensing up the entire drive, so I knew my numbers would be high when we got there. I was at about 142/89 when we stopped, so I ended up taking a clonidine as soon as we got inside to try and bring myself back down. That may have actually worked against me, because by the time we left I was above 160/100. My heart started racing a couple hours before that, and I couldn’t get it to slow down all night.

I had Summer drive us home while I tried to get myself calmed down. I felt reasonably relaxed in the back seat, but my heart just kept beating hard. We stopped in Ozark to charge, and I jumped around a little bit outside, thinking that maybe I could burn off some adrenaline. I felt okay for the most part. My heart was just trying to beat out of my chest.

We dropped my parents off and made it home, where I kept relatively active the rest of the night. I had several Vine packages to unbox and photograph, which means I need to get some more reviews done. I tinkered with some stuff in the car for a bit, and ended up taking apart the USB console because it had some soda spilled in it. Summer did her nails, and we waited for Eaddie to get home from watching Wicked for something like the third time. I eventually took another clonidine and did some breathing exercises in bed to try and calm myself down. My heart rate came down a bit, but my blood pressure never really did. I just had to wrap things up and get to bed.

I feel like Jason Statham in “Crank.”

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The Lump

I slept really late today, and my blood pressure wasn’t ever particularly good. Summer was gone for a run in Vilonia, and Eaddie was at a robotics tournament all day. I felt like I had a lump at the bottom of my throat or the top of my chest, almost like someone was sitting on me all day. Dad got me on a three-way call with his old friend Ben for some medical advice, and it was mostly the same stuff I’ve heard. Unfortunately there doesn’t seem to be an immediate answer, much less a fix, for what ails me.

Summer came home, bathed, and started cleaning up for Christmas. We got the trees out, but she set them all up herself. She put one in Eaddie’s room like we talked about last year, and then put the two matching ones in the living room. I really wanted to help, and I didn’t exactly feel “bad,” but I didn’t feel good.

I eventually got showered and took the dogs for a run to my parents’ house. Mom warmed up some phở for me because she thought I might be sick of spaghetti or mango soup for some reason. It was good, and I wasn’t terribly bothered by my throat. That had been more of a general discomfort all day.

After I ate, I took the dogs on a night run through the basin and back home. My neck flashlight went out just as I was trying to clean up some poop, but luckily it was mostly solid. We got back home and I fed the dogs, who immediately went back to the squirrel they had killed earlier in the day. I asked Summer to dispose of it, but she forgot while she was wrapping presents, and I didn’t feel like chasing them down in the yard in the dark.

Eaddie came home and was excited about the tree in her room. Summer wound down with another bath and went to bed. My blood pressure went up again for seemingly no reason, so I took a clonidine and laid down with Summer for a while. I got the chills and couldn’t stop shivering under the heated blanket, but I eventually dozed off for a little bit. Once my heart rate went back down, I finished up my nightly routine and went to bed.

Jitters

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Just Breathe

My blood pressure wasn’t fantastic when I got up this morning, but it was my “normal” high level. Summer left for work after we fed the dogs, and I made myself an egg and cheese biscuit for breakfast again. I followed that with a banana and grilled cheese since I was slightly low on potassium. I started both my 5mg amlodipine and 25mg metoprolol, then tried to relax a bit on the computer before taking a shower.

My numbers kept climbing for a while before they kind of leveled out again. It had me a bit worried, but I eventually felt confident enough to take the dogs out for a ride. I even put Max’s antler from the Grinch on Stilgar, and he didn’t oppose it at all. Muad’Dib kept wanting to bite at it, but I eventually told him “no” enough that he quit altogether. Stilgar wore the headband the entire way to the Ridgewood Brothers to see the crew there.

Everyone came out and was super excited for either the Onewheel or the dogs. Even Robert took a spin on the Onewheel, then promptly wiped out. We hung out for a little while before heading back up the road where we stopped to see Mollie at her house. She came out onto the porch for a bit, but we didn’t stay long before heading home. We made our way through the basin where Stilgar wanted to be an alligator. I put the antler on Muad’Dib, but it was really too big for him, and it kept falling down under his chin. I got it back on Stilgar and we made it to my parents’ house, but they weren’t home.

The dogs got hot dogs and food when we got home, and I spent some time relaxing to keep my blood pressure down. It didn’t seem to help, because the longer I sat, the higher it rose. I decided pretty early that I shouldn’t drive by myself to Conway to see Eaddie’s performance. Then I started to get a lump in my throat, and I called Dad to take me to the clinic when I hit 155/102.

Mom drove them to the house and we headed to the clinic in a fashion that had me stressing out even more. As soon as I got checked in, I sat down and then had a dizzy spell like I did at the self-care fair. Things started to get dark and I thought I might black out, so I told my parents to get someone. It didn’t feel like I was met with as much urgency as I intended, but I pulled out of my spell enough to talk to the ladies that came out. Much like the urgent care clinic, they couldn’t really do anything for me and instead called the paramedics.

The trucks pulled into the lot pretty quickly, but it took them a while to get inside. I had moved into a wheelchair for ease of mobility, and before the guys came in, I started to have another slight dizzy episode without so much blacking out. They came in and took blood sugar, blood pressure, and my oxygen level, and decided they couldn’t do anything more than DoorDash me to the hospital. They did offer to load me up into our own car so I wouldn’t get a bill, but by the time we finished talking, I was good enough to walk again.

We left the clinic, and I had Mom take me to the house to use the restroom and grab my blood pressure cuff. Then we drove to the hospital and sat in the parking lot for a while, testing my blood pressure several times to see that it was going down. Once it got low enough that I felt comfortable leaving, we went to their house for some food.

Mom made me some mango soup while I watched my blood pressure start to rise again. Summer came over after dropping Eaddie off at home, and we ultimately decided it might be best to go to the hospital. The two of us got to the emergency room and checked in. There were several of us in the waiting room, and strangely, they called everyone back at the same time after a mysterious amount of waiting. Summer and I were in a room near the back and waited a while for a young, Vietnamese doctor to come check me out. My blood pressure had continued to drop a bit, and after recounting the last few days to him, his recommendation was to modify my normal medication timing and then follow up with my PCP. He offered to give me more meds and re-run all of the same bloodwork, but indicated that he didn’t really think it was necessary.

We were eventually discharged, and I suppose I earn enough by now that paying the bill didn’t send me into another event. We went home, Summer crawled into bed, and I wrapped up way too slowly for how tired I was.

Solidarity in healthcare providers.

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Good Advertising

I ran a little late this morning, but the battery didn’t seem to take as much of a hit. It was reasonably quiet, but things quickly escalated. I didn’t get into anything big. Randy and I met Jim, Kyle, and Maggie at Gadwall’s for lunch, and then I actually continued on with Randy all afternoon while he got gas, then took us to the annex to check for inventory.

Kyle found us there for a bit and we all rooted around a little bit. Randy and I were the last two out and we couldn’t set the alarm, so we went to the “octagon” to talk to Kevin about it. After that, we planned to go to a church that was putting on a self-care fair for the school district.

It had started to drizzle a bit, but we got back to the office where I packed up my things. We all drove separately so we could go straight home after the fair, but I wouldn’t end up making it to the end of that.

We arrived about 15 minutes early and Kyle and I walked in, but were promptly rushed back out. I waited by the door while he went back to his Jeep to vape. When they finally let us in, I tried to stick with Maggie since she had the eye for the swag. I got a couple signatures on my “bingo” card before I ended up at a Baptist Health booth where the lady wanted to give people flu shots, something else, or take their blood pressure. I let her check my blood pressure and joked that we would be going for a high score. I wasn’t wrong.

She panicked at my 185/111 and insisted that I test again, even after I tried to explain it away by having been running around the event with all the other loud people. The second wasn’t any better, but I don’t know if it was any worse. She let me go with a stern look that I should go to the emergency room.

It was only a couple minutes later as I bantered with Randy and some other lady that I suddenly became flush and dizzy, and nearly blacked out. I quickly grabbed an empty seat from another vendor and tried to relax myself. The dizziness came in waves, and I did everything I could to breathe and relax. As soon as I felt able to stand up again, we tried to finish my signature card. I got one more, but then Maggie took it to finish it for me while I sat in another chair in the corner. I called Summer, and then we all left the event.

I sat in the car for a bit to calm myself, and felt confident enough in my ability to babysit the car as it drove me out of the city. I plotted a couple of urgent care clinics in case, and headed toward home. A little ways down the Interstate, I began to get a wave of dizziness again, so I immediately took the Crystal Hill exit and gathered myself at a Shell station. I decided to go straight to the HealthCARE Express to see if they could help.

Though friendly, the urgent care center was not particularly urgent about anything I said. They did check my blood pressure, but then basically told me to start filling out registration paperwork. The girl at the counter called me up to say that it would be about $200 for them to see me, and I tried to confirm whether they could actually treat me, or if they would only try and diagnose me. A doctor or nurse eventually came out and said that he would need to check for organ failure before doing much else, and that they would basically have to refer me to the Walmart pharmacy across the street for treatment.

I took a beat and eventually gathered myself up enough to go on to the next place. I found a Baptist Health urgent care clinic, but the lady at the counter there said that they wouldn’t even be able to address me for at least an hour and a half, and that she could basically only call a paramedic for me. I decided to take my chances and get into Conway rather than wait for a more expensive ride. I wasn’t feeling terrible by then anyway.

I got to the Baptist Health emergency room and checked in after waiting for another older couple. The waiting room was pretty full, but they got me back to take my blood pressure measurement, some blood, and a urine sample pretty quickly. I waited about an hour after that before they called me back to a room. In that waiting period, Julie called for an update.

I waited for a little while before a guy came back to get my insurance information. Then a nurse eventually came back, who asked my ethnicity and then responded that he, too, was Vietnamese. He got me chained to the machine, and from then on it was basically me beating my own high score repeatedly until we got enough medicine in me.

After a couple of hours and a couple quick pop-ins from the ER doctor, neither he nor Jonathan, my Vietnurse seemed terribly concerned about my situation. They asked questions, but reported that all of my labs and EKG were fine. Jonathan didn’t even let the final blood pressure measurement complete its cycle, satisfied enough with the results of the prior test after my pill and subsequent shot.

They cut me loose, I went to Supercharge, and then made it home without incident. I felt pretty good, so I got unloaded, took out the trash, and then came in to chat with Summer. Then I had a brief anxiety attack in the kitchen and wondered if that, too, was blood pressure related. She went to bed, I played with the dogs for a bit, and then I quickly finished up so I could go to sleep myself. If I wake up tomorrow, I guess we’ll figure out a PCP solution. If I don’t, then I guess will someone come erase my browser history?

Back where we started.

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164/100

I had an okay start today, but my back still had a slight twinge in it. I made up quite a bit of time on the way to work, but it mostly ended up being for naught. Kyle came by and said the backup circuit was somehow getting traffic to the state servers, so we didn’t have to worry so much about installing the VPN. After that, it was mostly Maggie and me in the office all day, with a bit of Charles and Gary.

With Randy out, we didn’t even see Jim, though he did call for help once. I ended up getting some cheap fast-food for lunch, by way of a fry deal from Burger King and a sandwich deal at Arby’s. The afternoon was pretty quiet, and then I snuck out a few minutes early so I could get the car out of the workshop.

I stopped by Old Navy in Conway on the way home to return Summer’s ill-fitting pants. Then I got home just in time to take the dogs out on a twilight run. They ran hard all the way around the basin and to my parents’ house. Mom said she had some rice soup, so I took the dogs home and rode back again to eat.

Summer got home from work late and wasn’t feeling great, so we put her in a bath and then checked her blood pressure. Hers was fine, but mine was unreasonably high for some reason. I imagine my sleepless commute time has something to do with it. We also discussed ordering a new Model 3, and I think Eaddie’s for it now. I guess I should get one so I can enjoy it for a bit before I stroke out.

It’s always an improper fraction, but it’s usually not more than two.

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Smokin’ Breasts

I woke up a little bit before my alarm today and got up to start prepping the turkey breasts for smoking. Summer was up on the couch doing some work, and then left to open one of her stores because multiple people called in, or didn’t show up. Eaddie got home from her father’s and hung out in the kitchen with me so she could lend a hand while I tried to season the turkey. This was only the second time I’d tried to use my baster, and I completely forgot to blend my dry spices so they wouldn’t clog the syringe. That ended up being a big mess, so I finally just put the breasts on the smoker and used my butter concoction to baste it instead.

Summer got home and started making deviled eggs, and I tried to pick up some of the rest of the house. I think Michelle and Phil were the first ones to show up, just before my parents. I kept shoving things into the laundry room, and the house filled up pretty quickly. Alie and Chance made it, and even Julie and Kevin showed up. Uncle Rick and Ginny were the last to show.

I had a fire going, and the smoking was pretty much done before anyone showed up, so I just had to carve the turkey while everyone else arranged food on the dining room table. Then everyone visited and ate in the living room. Julie and Kevin left pretty early, and I threw out my back at some point during the afternoon, which slowed me way down for the rest of the night.

Sometime during daylight hours, I took the dogs out for a quick run before wrapping up with everyone at home. It wasn’t our most entertaining event to host, but hopefully everyone enjoyed it. The whole thing just kept shrinking more and more until we could fit everyone our house instead of an aircraft hangar.

Eaddie wanted to go out to see Wicked again with some friends. Summer went to bed super early while I cleaned up and eventually made it to bed. Maybe my sleep schedule won’t be too far out of cycle by tomorrow.

No deals!