Tag: frustration

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Are You Sidereus?!

I slept in a little bit today after a fairly long, rough day yesterday. Time had lost most of its meaning anyway. Summer was having coffee in the living room, and I think Eaddie went to school at least for a little while. Shawna actually responded back to my checking in on her lack of checking in. I said my peace, which went predictably about the same that it did fourteen years ago. At least it provided a bit of closure so I could keep my eyes forward.

Summer went to work for a while, and I took a shower and then put on some music while I assembled a metal locker I got from Vine for our dog accessories. Later in the afternoon, Summer met me at the Genesis Blood and Cancer Institute when she finished her workout. I had to pay a bunch more money (big surprise!) for reasons that could not be explained (when are we expecting America be great again?), and then we sat in the waiting room for nearly an hour before going back for vitals and then a chat with an eerily chipper Dr. Chen.

He entered the room with a cheery, “Hey buddy!” that had me dreading the worst news. It must be incredibly deflating to deal with a terminal as a profession, but he had good news. I now had too much iron. He dropped my supplements, and then suggested an SSRI for my anxiety attacks. I was leery of too much tinkering, but I’m no science-denier. We’ll try it his way.

We headed home, but it was too rainy to run Muad’Dib. Summer took a bath, and then we went out to Check H for dinner. We watched a Ricky Gervais Netflix special when we got home, then started for bed. Eaddie called late because she had lost the keys to the Murano and was stuck at the high school. I actually had a bit of dialog with Shawna to wrap up the night, and wrap up whatever the fuck happened there.

Hopefully we all learned a little about each other, and a lot about ourselves.

🚩 Took me 20 minutes lol 🚩

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I Bleed Blood

I got up early for my appointment this morning, and Summer went with me just to get my blood drawn. The nurse couldn’t find the vein in my right arm, so she switched to my let and ended up taking it from my forearm instead of the inside of my joint. She got her fill, and we were done without another word. Summer went on to work, and I went home to a big, spicy glass of orange juice after feeling feelings all week long.

Eaddie and I watched some Daredevil clips until she got up to go to school, but she didn’t stay gone long. I don’t know if they actually kicked her out, or if she just decided it wasn’t worth her time, but she came home and surprised the heck out of me. Much later in the afternoon I picked up Summer from the carwash to go to Mulan’s for a late lunch.

I made it back home and crashed on the couch. The kids were around somewhere, possibly after having gone and come back. I wasn’t clear. Eaddie did have an awards ceremony to attend, so I got up and took Muad’Dib for a quick run before Summer got home.

We only stopped to see Dad briefly, then I saw Mark and his family out walking as we made it home. Summer was outside waiting on us, so I put Muad’Dib out back and quickly changed. We got to the Center for the Arts just in the to find a program and get seated, and they kept the house lights up the whole time for some reason. It was just a big to-do about awarding scholarships to the kids, which we’d never had to attend before. They packed it all in to just over two hours, and then we headed home.

Summer and I sat out on the porch for a bit to talk, but it a bit too heated to be particularly productive. We just feel stuck, and I don’t know where to focus our energy. I put her to bed and stayed up way longer than I wanted. I discovered one of her wine spigots had been dripping onto the rice dispenser, and leaked into the lid and down into the rice, so I had to throw out a handful of that. Eaddie came home after catching up with Maristella and talked to me briefly before going to bed. Tomorrow we’ll get to see how fast I’m dying, or maybe at least why they don’t think I have enough blood.

You can bet that I’d let you walk all over me.

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Costly Affirmations

Today was mostly fighting parasitic thoughts after a fairly rough night. An attempt was made, to be sure, but it was all rumination on betrayal and disillusionment. Summer’s been unreasonably supportive throughout the entire thing, but that’s not without problems as well. We did manage to have a pretty good breakfast of pancakes, eggs, bacon, and sausage, but I could hardly keep myself from staring into space.

Eaddie got around and left for church and Summer went to the gym while I tried to draw focus. I cleaned up a little bit, broke down some boxes, and took out some recycling. At some point I did manage to get a shower, and later installed a light strip in the trunk of my car.

Summer got home from the gym and did some deep cleaning of her own, but things got really tense when I called out her poor substitutions, like cleaning with apple cider vinegar when she couldn’t find any white, and leaving furniture polish streaks on glass. I never try to make her feel bad, but she just doesn’t seem to get things, and I feel like I’m drowning.

The kids went out for a band picnic, so Summer thought we’d have some old frozen salmon fillets for dinner. I took over for her and thought I’d steam it and some veggies over some rice. I couldn’t find my steamer basket though, so I ran to the old house and ended up grabbing a different rice cooker that had its basket. While I was on the way over, I got a voice message from Mitch that he was in Little Rock for work. I called and talked to him for a bit, but ultimately decided against driving out for just an hour or so before he had to go to bed.

I started the rice and salmon, then ran to the Neighborhood Market for some quick frozen veggies to steam, then took Muad’Dib for a run. We went backwards to avoid an old lady walking a tiny dog, which was fine. We visited my parents, then went through the basin and back home. It was a bit chilly and quiet out, which might have been more peaceful if I hadn’t already felt incredibly uncomfortable.

We got home and Summer came out to eat. Dinner wasn’t great, but it was edible. At least the fish cooked all the way through. I laid down in bed with Summer for a while just to try and relax, and I started to pass out while she was scratching my back. I got up to wrap up the evening, and then Eaddie came home and wanted to chat with us for a bit before we all went to bed.

Sold Here

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Toad Eye Four

We got up early and Eli came over so we could head to Conway for Summer’s Toad Suck Daze 10k. We got to the high school and dropped Summer off, and once the race was started, I took the kids to Sonic for a snack. We ate at the picnic table outside, then got back to the race just in time to find a place to watch Summer coming in for the finish line. We waited around for awards, but left once she found out she wasn’t getting anything.

I thought Randy was going to meet us, but we missed him. We went downtown early, before the festival was officially open, and wandered around the block for a bit. We finally landed at the Toad Dome where Summer wanted to watch baby races. The kids went to get a funnel cake, and then we all made it into the tiny bleachers to watch the toad races. They called for first-timers, and Eli got pulled up to race in the first round. He ended up getting a tiny toad though, and came in next-to-last place.

After that, we wandered down the block again and ended up having lunch at R&M Southern Eatery. They had a Cajun menu that pleased everyone. Eaddie got a huge pasta that she shared since she wasn’t actually that hungry. My gumbo was heavy on the rice and light on the gumbo, but tasted great. Eli had a pretty small looking chicken sandwich, but he said it filled him up. Summer was going to get chicken and waffles, but I talked her into chicken and beignes instead, which she loved.

After we ate, we headed across town and let the girls shop for a dress at Cato while Eli and I went to Dollar Tree for some snacks. That got us to the theater just in time for Thunderbolts*. I thought the movie was pretty good, but I wished they had spent some time explaining how they made Bob.

We left the movie and went across town so Eaddie could do some dress shopping for graduation. I got a pair of shoes to use an expiring reward, and Eaddie finally found some dresses at Old Navy. We headed home after that, and then I took Muad’Dib out for a run as the sun started to set. It was nice and cool out, so he was practically flying. We visited my parents for a little while, and made it home where I sat with Summer in front of the TV just briefly before she went to bed.

I want to be the one everyone can rely on if they make a mistake.

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Chasing Lightning

It was a bit rainy on the way to work, but the drive wasn’t too bad. Lightning rippled through the clouds a few times, creating a fishing net of light cast across the sky. I arrived fairly early and Randy was already hard at work with the domain controllers. I mostly sat back so we didn’t have too many hands in the cookie jar, and instead fought an issue for our Cenergistic guy who couldn’t figure out how to remote into the system I set up for him. He eventually came by the office so I could take a look at his laptop, and it looked like he just couldn’t save the connection because of rotating credentials.

Randy and I met Jay, Charles, Kyle, and Hunter at Cotham’s for lunch, and I think my burger was even bigger than usual. It was great, and I tried to impart as much wisdom onto Jay as I could. I was feeling a little frisky, so I almost approached a girl for him, who he was eyeing, but I figured that would be best saved for another time.

Randy left for the day after dropping me off, and with Maggie out all day, things were quiet at the office. Time got away from me a bit, and then it was an aggravatingly slow drive home through traffic. The kids had just finished eating some leftovers when I got there, so I took Muad’Dib out for a run.

We went all the way out to Casey’s so I could redeem a free slush. We encountered an old lady walking a rather unruly dog, and she pointed at us saying it was bad because her dog didn’t like it. Muad’Dib stayed right by my side with hardly a look, and waited patiently outside while I got my slush. Tracy saw me walking out and said hello, and I thought the number of call center throwbacks has been wild this year. Muad’Dib and I rode down the sidewalk and crossed over without any trouble, and I decided to swing through the Ridgewood Brothers to see if anyone was home.

Failing there, we continued past Kroger, across town, through the basin for a dip, and down to see Dad for a while before we made it home. Seven and a half miles, and he loved every bit of it. The kids were gone, but Summer got home shortly after we did. She ate some leftovers, and then we wound down pretty quickly. Eaddie tried on her graduation gown when she got home, and it was off to bed before the Toad Suck race in the morning.

’cause the love that you lost wasn’t worth what it cost

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Shame on Me

I managed to lock in this morning and had all screens going for maximum efficiency. Each answer led only to more questions, but that is often the case with so many hands in the cookie jar. I brought some leftover pizza and munched on that throughout the day, so I didn’t go to lunch. I just kept digging for our unknown domain controller, assuming that our problems were due to misconfigured DNS, and Kyle wasn’t able to articulate anything to help. I think I’m on top of something big, though.

The afternoon went by pretty slowly, but there were people through the office all day to keep things from getting too dull. Traffic home was horribly slow. Just after I got into town, a storm blew through and I could barely see ten feet ahead of me. Within my last mile I saw several large branches go down, and our driveway was flooding into the garage when I made it home. If I had realized how high the water was, I would have left the garage door closed and just run into the house by way of the equally flooded front walkway. At least the step up there would have been high enough to prevent water from coming into the house.

Summer was warming up leftover spaghetti while I ran around trying to direct the water from the driveway around the north side of the house. Eaddie and Eli tried to help just inside the door as I ran for things like the leaf blower, squeegee, and eventually a towel to keep from dripping all over the house. I don’t think there was any real water damage after that, and I got almost all of it out the door.

I ate with Summer while the kids studied in the living room, but she finished pretty quickly. As of last night we had plans to meet Shawna at Crystal Bridges on Sunday, but Summer said she backed out today because she has a new boyfriend with pictures to prove it. I wish that was more of a plot twist than any of us expected, but I just hope she finds what she needs.

Summer went for a bath while I spent some quiet time with Muad’Dib in the rain. I took care of some chores and then set up a new wireless microphone for Eaddie’s flute, which also involved testing out my old PA system. The kids played with that for a bit, then I cleaned up a bit in the kitchen before bed.

The sun doesn’t give light to the moon assuming the moon’s gonna owe it one.

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Day Drunk Productivity Suite

We got up for breakfast this morning, but Eaddie left for church and it was just the two of us. I thought Summer was making pancakes, but she had actually planned to make biscuits. We ended up scratching the bread altogether and cleaned up some hash browns with eggs and sausage links instead. Then we had a couple Jumex Hard Nectars to get the party started. I was determined to drown out the heartbreak with productivity, so I cranked some tunes, started some laundry, and cleaned up a whole bunch of random stuff that had been sitting around for ages. Summer went to the gym, then came home and wanted to mow the yard while it was nice out.

I replaced Eaddie’s shower head with a dual rain head and handheld sprayer. Summer went to the store to get some salmon, Brussels sprouts, and sweet potatoes for dinner. I had a minor meltdown over a spice cabinet in complete disarray while I was trying to prep the salmon, so I had to reorganize everything before I could get the fish on the grill. My silver lining was that I was able to clean up at least three different seasoning mixes that we’ve had for ages. Summer whipped up some awesome sides, Eaddie had Eli over, and the four of us had a really great sit-down meal. Everything turned out super good in the end.

Muad’Dib and I went out for a run after dinner, but he was really only up for a casual jog. The first leg of our ride was eerily quiet, but we eventually saw some people and a couple of cars in the road. For a moment it felt a little too Twilight Zone. We got through the basin for a quick dip, then stopped to see my parents. Dad has had some leftover meat that Muad’Dib has been loving, so he didn’t get any extra treats when we got home. We sat on the porch with Summer, who was sitting back in quiet contemplation.

So much has been up in the air over the past year, and the past couple of months really brought out a lot of pain points that we’d just been kicking down the road. On top of all of that, she finally has her MRI tomorrow and she’s been super nervous. We’ll just have to attack each day as it presents itself.

You and I stargazing

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I Wanna Go Home, I Wanna Go Home

I woke up early today so I could accompany Summer to her 5k in Dover. The weather was really nice, so it would be a good day to take Muad’Dib and the Onewheel, which would help me pass the time. She met up with Kell, one of her employees from Splash, for his first race. I took Muad’Dib around the building on a leash before testing him without, and I think getting some energy burned off helped because he stuck by my side the rest of the day without any trouble. I ran into Amber while we were there, which was crazy after talking about her just weeks ago. I guess she’s the president of the River Valley Runners group since James has seemingly made it his sole purpose in life to run. We caught up for a little bit, and then Muad’Dib and I started to ride the course to find Summer.

Being able to ride around with Muad’Dib made the experience awesome, but I wasn’t sure how the runners or organizers might have felt about me riding around even if I kept some distance. It seemed like a positive experience for him though, so hopefully we can keep doing that in the future. He got to meet a bunch of people who were really excited to pet him.

Kell finished in first place for his age division and Summer made second in hers, but they only awarded first place. They took some pictures and then Summer and I headed home to drop Muad’Dib off before going to Stoby’s for breakfast. We shared a short stack of pancakes as an appetizer, and then she got her eggs benedict while I forced down a disappointing “Blast” that seemed poorly seasoned and dry.

After breakfast, we made an Amazon return at The UPS Store and then went to wash and vacuum out my car before our trip to Twin Groves for Alarie’s wedding. We still had time to kill, so we headed back home where Summer assembled the guitar stand I got from Vine. I started a load of laundry, but didn’t quite get it out of the dryer before we had to leave.

The wedding was at Hillbrook Farms, which was a simple slab with a big building on top of it, right by a small overlook. It was a fantastic day for an outdoor wedding, which seemed particularly lucky since we got rain later in the evening. Summer was excited to catch up with some old coworkers while I mostly stood by and counted knots in the wooden structure. I was happy to go, and Alarie has always been friendly and greeted me by name whenever we’ve seen each other, but I just didn’t know anyone else there. The ceremony itself was short and sweet, and Moe’s catered the reception, so there was a ton of good food.

On the way home, Summer asked me about my favorite part of the event, and she didn’t like any of my answers. Then she said she didn’t understand how I could be so in-touch with my emotions and respond the way that I did. I didn’t mean anything negative in what I said, but I told her I was just an extra in that scene. I didn’t know anyone. I was there to support her and her friends. That escalated talk took us most of the way home, but triggered my anxiety and was a perfect illustration of why our communication is always so exhausting. I think we at least found ourselves in the same book by the time we got home, but by then I just needed a break with Muad’Dib.

It was starting to get dark, so the air was nice and cool and Muad’Dib wore his little headlamp. It was a good, slightly shortened run so we could visit Dad before dark. Then we made it back home for a much better evening. The good days shouldn’t be so hard, but maybe this time we’ll find someone that can help us translate. If not, at least now she has considered trying to make friends through her races.

Everything. Everywhere. All at once.

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Unbreakable

I woke up just before my alarm this morning and made it to work pretty early. I really thought I had to get Jim’s imaging issue fixed, but he called me away to babysit a Google Meet interview in the boardroom. You would think with so many educated people in a room, they could figure out how to click the button to join a meeting. I wasn’t even that surprised to find it was the interviewee who couldn’t figure out how to show our video, but I could at least have the chief of staff pull the Meet up on his phone and prove that our video was broadcasting correctly.

After that, I decided to give Captain D’s a try since I was already on that side of town. The girl at the counter could not have been more disinterested, but somehow the food was really great. I stopped at Walmart for some drinks on the way back to the office, and finished out the day in relative quiet. I had also picked up some dog food on clearance, but was overcharged, so I stopped by Walmart again on my way out of town to correct that.

I got home and Summer and the kids were on the couch watching gymnastics. I went out to play with Muad’Dib for a bit. Eaddie left to go stay the night with her father, and Summer came outside to sit with me for a little bit. Things have been super volatile, which made it a terrible time to try and discuss any of our issues, so she yelled at me and stormed off. I gave her a minute before following her to the living room, and she yelled at me a bunch more. That was when I saw she had gotten a new tattoo that said “Unbreakable” on her left forearm, and it crushed me.

Once we had cooled off, she sent me to take Muad’Dib for a run. He did great, didn’t chase any geese, and got to play in the creek for a little while since I just needed to be in the air for a little while. We made it over to my parents’ house to visit with them, and he got some more leftover pork before we headed home. Mom had leftover bún thang, so I asked Summer to come have dinner with them. We used to go visit much more often, and it’s been a big issue for me that it seems like she never wants to make the time with my family. I explained this again, and was super happy that she agreed this time. It was a great visit and great food.

We talked a bunch more when we got home, and things shifted from good to bad and back again several times. I got some laundry done, and she got some sleep before her 5k in Dover tomorrow. I was ready to pass out at any moment, but had things to do.

You gotta give them to the land

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Waning Crescent

I woke up shaking with anxiety this morning that followed me most of the way to work. It eventually leveled out, which was good because Gary tried to help a lady in the office with a printer issue, and it quickly became my problem. Luckily Kyle walked in and it then became his problem when we discovered the switch port was tagged incorrectly, and the printer had been set up differently than whatever standard they eventually chose.

I fought slow deployment tests all day, but took a break to take Maggie to lunch with Jim. Somehow when I pay for her, we end up spending enough to feed three or four people, but it was her birthday. They both asked about Summer after I took the day off, so I shared a little bit of what we’ve been working through, and Jim joked that it sounded like we were married.

The afternoon went by pretty quickly and my single image test failed what I was trying to accomplish. On the way out, I got to see the giant lizard Maggie told me was living under the sidewalk. I headed home through some fairly slow traffic, stopping in Atkins to swing through Casey’s to redeem a freebie. Summer and I had discussed dinner earlier in the morning, so she had a shepherd’s pie in the oven when I got home. She was sitting at the dinner table doing some work on her laptop with a look on her face, so we talked a bunch more.

We mostly talked in circles over the same things. She said she was taking some time away from work just to stay away from the public for a bit, and I was glad she got to see some support from her team and leadership. I don’t think any of the talking was actually helping at that point since we’ve always had trouble communicating. We stopped for dinner with Eaddie, and the shepherd’s pie turned out awesome. Afterward she had to go to Tech to prepare for a concert. I tried to take Muad’Dib out for a run, but it started raining and we ended up sitting on the porch together instead. Summer came out and we got burned out from talking again, so we loaded up to go watch Eaddie’s Tech concert.

The concert was long, but the band was great. We were both pretty exhausted from the stress and the lack of sleep. I know my head dropped at least once while I had my eyes closed, listening to the music. We got home, shared some drinks, and wound down quickly for bed.

I got my change behind the bed, in a coffee can I throw my nickels in. ☄️