Tag: anxiety

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Heat Waive

I made it home to shower this morning, but then couldn’t dry my hair in the heat and humidity before making it in to work. Everyone was sitting around the conference table awkwardly without me, but we didn’t have much to talk about. Everyone was sent off to take care of little things, and I spent all day in my office trying to look busy. I tinkered with a task sequence for a while, but couldn’t really test anything out without a lab full of computers.

Rood couldn’t get anyone out today to look at my air conditioner, so I called Roy’s. The lady I spoke with said they could get someone out in the same day, so I took that bet without knowing any kind of timeframe.

Gary and I met the others at Brangus for lunch, though I wasn’t really hungry enough for that. Just before we got our food, Veronica walked in, followed a few minutes later by her husband and Junior. Then on the way out, we saw Grant and his mother as they were leaving right behind us.

I spent most of the afternoon taking Net+ quizzes until quitting time. I figured my air conditioner probably wasn’t going to get fixed and went on to get Eaddie to her tennis practice. Rather than wait in the sun, I went home to sweat it out inside until Eaddie finished. A little while later, I actually got a call from the Roy’s tech. I was super surprised that he would be working that late, but he was super friendly and got me up and running again super fast.

The house only cooled down a couple degrees by the time I left to get Eaddie, and then I took her on home because she just wanted to eat leftovers. I finished up the rice and beans from Chuy’s while she cleaned the kitchen, and then sat around until Summer and Autumn got home.

We had both had a pretty long day, and Autumn had been running her mouth again, which lead to another family conversation. It’s really hard not to blame all of it on Autumn, because she’s making everyone in the house absolutely miserable. She does fine for a while, and we can spend time with her laughing for minutes at a time, but she eventually always reverts to a hateful, bitter kid. Eaddie’s been growing into her own person as well, so Summer’s feeling that loss as well. Seems nobody wins today.

Any one you walk away from, right?

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I’ve Got a Yankee Doodle Sweetheart

I slept through an anxiety attack early this morning, and then slept late afterward. We eventually got up and showered before going to Walmart to pick up an online order I had placed the night before. They had a Bodum glass and tea strainer on sale, similar to the glass that Suzanne had accidentally broken when we had them over a while back, so I took the opportunity to re-complete the set. They didn’t offer a way to pick it up inside, but I wanted to take a peek through the clearance section while we were there. Just as we got into the store, they called and asked what stall I was parked in, which seemed to be a mistake in the app setup. I don’t know why they have you check in when you’re just “on the way” if they’re going to assume you’re already there.

I drove over to the pickup section to get my glass, then went back to the garden center to finish shopping and fetch Summer. We were out relatively quickly, and headed on to my parents’ house to start grilling. I was super hungry and was anxious to get the burgers done, but Dad had only just lit off the charcoal. I helped patty the burgers, and then got things cooking as quickly as I could. All total, we had burgers, corn on the cob, shrimp, and finally a rack of ribs to grill. I tried using my smoker tube, but I guess I smothered it with all the smoke from the charcoal. Mom had some beef for kabobs, but I told her to wait until tomorrow since we were out of coals after the ribs anyway.

After we ate, Summer and I went for a swim to cool back off. It was so hot and humid that I could barely walk outside without breaking a sweat. She enjoyed the heat, but I absolutely loathed it. I felt smothered by it. The pool helped, but she still wanted to go to the train depot for the holiday entertainment.

We drove back to my house to wait out the sun a bit, and then went up to her house to check on the cats and set out some pork for dinner later in the week. One of the cats pooped on the shower matt, and it just reminded me how much I hate having pets.

From there, we made our way downtown for the festivities. We actually got decent parking, and some clouds came in to block the sun. There was a light breeze that kept things just barely bearable for me, and I was glad to see some friendly faces in the form of Boundy and her husband, Mike. We chatted for a bit, and then we wandered over to a crêpe food truck. While we were there, something happened to one of the band members, and the singer announced to the crowd that “somebody” should call 911. I don’t know if anyone ever did, but the bicycle cops at the back of the crowd didn’t appear to be in too much of a hurry to get up to the guy. At some point, another band member announced that their keyboardist was also a cardiologist, so I guess things worked out?

Back at the food truck, there appeared to be a pretty long line, but we learned that everyone there was actually just waiting for their food. The line to order was actually very short. I frustrated Summer when I said I didn’t really want to eat much of one in the heat, and she took off back to the car. We went home, talked about it a bit, and I explained my struggles with sticky foods and drippy sweat. We discussed going up to Nebo like I had suggested earlier, and then ultimately decided to go back downtown on the Shadow, since it had cooled off considerably by then, and we could park more flexibly.

We made it back to the Peter’s lot and parked, marveling that our vacated parking spot from earlier was still available. We wandered back to the music area, decided against waiting in any of the ridiculously-long lines for treats, and walked back to, and across Arkansas to where someone was selling kettle corn. Fortunately there wasn’t a line there at all, so we got a bag of that, when out of nowhere Boundy showed up with a half-eaten bag for us. We took it, and then found a seat at a picnic table right beside them. I ended up running back across the street to bring the bike over so we could have an easier getaway, and it worked splendidly.

Summer enjoyed the show, though it was weird to watch one from so close with absolutely no music or any kind of rhythm to it. The show lasted a bit longer than I expected, and then we took off as soon as it was over. We made it home in record time, and I couldn’t have been more pleased on a night before going back to early days at work. Summer went straight to bed with incredible nerve pain, and I wrapped up my usual deal hunting as quickly as I could.

I DECLARE INDEPENDENCE! I didn’t say it. I declared it!

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That’s How We Roll

We got up this morning and went out back to continue burning brush. The coals were still hot under all the ash, but everything was still too wet to really catch, so I had to get the leaf blower out to really get things cooking. We made a really good dent in the pile of branches, but there’s still a lot of green to cut through, and it’s just too wet to really do easily.

Mom was making beef spring rolls for lunch, so after a quick shower, we headed over there. Dad called Julie over as well, so she joined us to eat for the first time in months after wanting to be left alone. It didn’t take terribly long before Summer had to excuse herself, and went to the gym to decompress. Then she came back to pick me up later.

When we left, we went straight up to her house so she could start some laundry. I hung out for a little while, but then decided to head home when she said her laundry was going to take a while after the kids left a load in the machine before leaving on vacation.

I ended up stopping by Walmart to just briefly run through the clearance section. There, I casually chatted with another lady that I vaguely recognized as a teacher from somewhere. Her husband came around, and reminded me of myself with the goofy, yet analytical things he would say to her about the deals she was finding. It would have reminded me more of Summer and myself if she would ever be the one to shop like that.

I made it home, but had another anxiety attack as I stared down into a bag of chips. It was the second one of the day, after having one coming out of the shower. I couldn’t figure out any triggers, but the way I got really flush and dizzy made me think it was something oxygen-related. Summer ended up coming over for the night, just as I was trying to chat with Google support about my Nest Hub that wouldn’t boot. Once that was out of the way, it was off to bed.

Circle the drain.

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Find x

I wanted to ride to work today, but I was running just behind enough that I didn’t have time to get a bike out. I just want a four-car garage. It can be a studio apartment if I can have enough parking.

Gary asked me to take a look at an issue in the bus shop first thing, so I chose to walk the block. It was super humid out, but could have been much worse. I’m not at all ready for summer heat. Greg ended up coming out to take a look as well, and we ultimately just left the laptop in Chris’s office for him to figure it out.

I spent the rest of the day fighting Minecraft. It took me a while to figure out licensing. Gary drove us to lunch for Taco Tuesday, and for some reason I ordered way too much food. Then the rest of the afternoon was finishing up licensing and starting to build the deployment. The only break from that was to unload a pallet of water bottles that I don’t drink.

At the end of the day, Eaddie called and wanted to know if Rick could pick her up and take her home. She couldn’t get in touch with Summer, and I was mostly just shocked and confused about who reached out. I wound up just throwing my hands in the air and letting her do whatever she wanted. I went home until Summer got to town, then met her at the Center for Eaddie’s band concert.

As I walked up to the building, Sarah was parked right in front of the building, immediately in my path. Once we got inside, we discovered the concert wouldn’t start for another half hour. Erica spotted us and came over to catch up. Then we saw Autumn and Rick in the auditorium as we found our seats. She was wandering around, loosely helping between sets.

After the show, Amber was there to get some pictures of Eaddie and Zane. Then Eaddie wanted to go out to eat with Rick. Autumn went home with Summer, since she’s grounded forever. I went home to decompress.

I’m just a guy that’s there.

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Capital Punishment

We got up this morning and scrounged for brunch. I found some old leftover pizza they had frozen and finished it up. The girls didn’t really come out of their rooms while I was still there. Eventually I went home so I could clean up and work on my taxes.

Evidently for the year, I was still floating pretty high on capital gains. I’m still sitting on the loss from those gains, but haven’t sold yet, so it just looks like I made way more money than I really did. I guess if I were to sell this year, it would balance out, but I’d rather try and reduce my taxable income for last year.

When Summer finished at the gym, I met her at Walmart to pick up dinner. We grabbed a couple more ice scrapers for cheap, and even found an open-box Rocketbook that was marked down a bit. The place was packed for Easter, but we managed to make it out without incident.

I filled up on gas and then headed up to their house, where Noah had come to visit. Summer made chicken alfredo with spaghetti noodles, and then the kids wanted to go out to the park. Summer and I went back to my house to try and clean up the old refrigerator. We thought we could use Noah’s truck to move it, but his tailgate was broken and we didn’t feel confident in lifting the refrigerator up and over it to get into the bed.

Cleaning the other half of the fridge, and especially the top, turned out to be quite a chore. Teamwork persevered, and Summer even vacuumed out the underside. I threw door bins into the dishwasher, but the shelves should be pretty easy to clean by hand. Brody offered his truck once they got back into town, but we decided to wait for daylight. As we were winding down, Michael called with questions about taxes on crypto. He had been playing with multiple exchanges though, which complicated his beyond anything I was dealing with. At least Robinhood had the paperwork I needed.

We made it back up to Summer’s house, and Summer headed off to watch TV in bed. Noah and Eaddie were watching TV until he left, and then everyone was off to sleep.

Should have sold, or at least not bought back.

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Whims

I’m not sure what happened, but I did not make it to work on time this morning. I felt like I was in step with my routine, but something got out of whack. It was pretty quiet though, which was fortunate because I was charged with answering the phones while everyone in the front of the office had a top secret meeting. Gary was out after being aggravated yesterday, but the meeting continued. Greg was there with me at first, but had to leave for a while, which left me to my own devices. Luckily we only ever got one phone call that I had to answer, and it was an easy one.

As lunch time approached, Zach informed me that our meetup with Dale had been postponed. This was after I had invited Allen to meet us as well, so I had to see if he wanted to wait or come out today. He chose today, so I invited Thomas, and then found Greg as he was walking back to the office from across the street. We had a good lunch though, with just a dash of awkwardness as only Allen could provide.

When I dropped the other two off after lunch, I went to Oakland for a little while to take care of something and then just to hang out for a bit before going back to my office. It was quiet all afternoon until quitting time when I went by my parents’ house to drop off a letter I printed for Dad. He had gone to pick up Mom from work, so I had to wait a bit for them to show up. Then Eaddie called and needed me to let her in after riding her bike.

I stopped by Kroger on the way home to pick up about 16 pounds of cosmic crisp apples. Dad said they were on sale for a buck a pound, and the piece I had at their house was really good. I figured they’d make a good snack at work, and the girls would probably want some as well.

Summer came by after the gym to get Eaddie, and shared the article that Splash was publishing about her in their newsletter. It was really good to see, even if it was a pre-release copy. They left pretty quickly, and I cleaned up a few leftovers before settling in for the night.

It’s the time of year when things get warmer and I get more anxiety about all the projects I want to complete before the attic becomes too hot to bear. I’ve been wanting to move the girls in so we could save money, but this house just needs so much work and I just have so much stuff. There’s simply not enough room for everyone. Another house on Zillow caught my eye, and upon further inspection I noticed my old friend, Alisha, was an agent for the realtor that listed it. I messaged her on Facebook, and we arranged to have a look at it tomorrow, completely on a whim.

As it turns out, without all these expenditures, we’re rich!

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Honorable Mention

I developed a nasty sinus issue last night that kept me up until I remembered how soothing it could be to have hot water in my CPAP. For hours, I had struggled with a scratchy throat, unable to sleep for more than an hour or so, and finally I found rest.

I chugged some orange juice before I went to work, then sipped on piping hot green tea all day. Evidently the meeting that occurred right outside my door was a surprise to our department. Jeff and Terry were there with the guys trying to sell us Avigilon again, and based on what I heard, I didn’t hear a lot of kickback from my guys. I couldn’t tell if that’s because they had already said what they wanted to say and were at the point that they felt defeated, or if nobody wanted to rock the boat. I told them afterward that we should have developed hand signals so I could bust out of my office and make a super disparaging remark.

It was Brody’s birthday, and surprisingly he picked Linhs for lunch. Just as we got there, Zach got a call that several pallets of Chromebooks had just arrived at the shop. He took my car back with Greg, and the rest of us sat down to eat, ordering their food for their return.

After lunch, Tammy had made a Butterfinger cake, so of course Thomas was super excited to eat that. I had some more tea, went to Oakland to take care of a few things before school let out, and then spent a pretty relaxing end of the day in the front of the office.

Summer came over after she got back to town from Cabot, and we got changed to go to Eaddie’s National Honor Society induction ceremony. After a scan of the crowd, I discovered that we were basically sat directly across from my greatest nightmare, so I was on edge the entire time. Then, as it often is, alphabetical-order spoiled what fun I was having.

I thought I was keeping it together for the most part, but then they dismissed in the most chaotic way. Everyone started walking down to the floor of the arena, and just feet away from where we were heading, I froze. I couldn’t breathe, and I just had to exit as quickly as possible. I felt absolutely horrible for it, because I wanted to be there for Eaddie in her moment of accomplishment. All the love and support in the world didn’t mean a thing if I couldn’t even bear to exist in that moment. I was a wreck for hours after that.

Autumn took Eaddie out to get food and then went home while Summer and I went back to my house for a bit. I had a tentative plan to go to Lowe’s with Brody, but ended up postponing it for his birthday’s sake. I ended up taking Summer to Brangus for dinner, and robotically ate way too much.

When we got back to her place, Eaddie was melting more Perler beads. Autumn was getting ready for bed, and Summer didn’t waste any time crawling under her own covers. I finished up what I always do, and it was time to pass out.

And the waves crashing around me, the sand slips out to sea.

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That Stinks

I was exhausted this morning, but I managed to send Autumn off to school on her bike, get Eaddie to the junior high on time, and still make it in to work with a couple minutes to spare. It was pretty quiet downstairs, so I went to Oakland early and took care of some new work orders I had gotten over the break. The best one was a surge protector that was just turned off. It’s got to be learned helplessness.

When I got back, Greg, Zach, Thomas, and I went to La Chiquita for lunch. Things never really picked up in the afternoon, and I spent a bunch of time working on a laptop that kept running through a recovery and wouldn’t boot to the network properly. About the time I got it done, Greg was going to help me look at what I thought was an intercom issue at Oakland.

On the way out the door, Thomas came back and wanted to talk, then took me into my own office and shut the door. I didn’t really know what to expect, but then he just asked me not to use my oil diffuser any more because someone had complained about it. I knew Greg gave me crap about it, but I didn’t figure he really cared. He seemed to be playing the whole thing up, so I don’t know if Thomas or I read into that wrong. He didn’t seem to think it was anything he said, but I can’t think of a single other person that ever comes back to my area that would have said anything. It certainly isn’t going through the cinderblock wall.

With that awkward conversation out of the way, I met Greg at Oakland and we went to the back of the building only to discover it wasn’t an intercom issue at all. It was an issue with the in-ceiling sound system. I wiggled the knobs until it sounded better, and then we were off. He stuck around to help me run an HDMI cable in another room, and that got us to quitting time.

I picked Eaddie up a couple blocks away from my house, then went outside to clean up the fire pit and grill. Autumn made it back home on her bike, and then they waited for their brother, Zach, to come get them. That was news to me, but I was mostly concerned that one of them had taken advantage of him to take them out to eat. In any case, I let them go and then went to my parents’ house to pick at leftovers before picking them up from their house where Zach dropped them back off.

When we got back to my house, I had to kick Autumn out of bed to take a shower. Then I helped Eaddie with some homework before watching an episode of House. Time seemed to move faster and faster as the evening went on. I thought I might make it to bed early, but no such luck.

What if you were unable to wake from that dream? How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world?

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Booked and Ticketed

I was pretty tired this morning after not getting much sleep last night. I drank up some coffee and did what I could in my office until lunch time rolled around. Zach, Gary, and I met Brody at Brangus for one of the better meals I’ve had there. Then it was a quiet afternoon all around.

I spent some time at Oakland and closed out some tickets, and brought a couple iPads back to the shop. Everything was relatively easy today though. I worked a bit late on a custom icon for the middle school, and then went home to see what I could get into before Summer came over.

The girls were at a game until late, so I warmed up some leftovers for Summer to eat as I tried to pick up in the bedroom a bit. Then after she left for home, I spent the rest of the night plotting out our Dallas trip. I got tickets for Medieval Times on Gary’s suggestion, and tickets to Eternals in Dolby Cinema on a cinema tech on Reddit’s suggestion. I even found a hotel for just shy of a C-note that looks pretty nice.

Now we just have to get there.

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Let Your Hearts Grow a Little Fonderer

I woke up in an anxiety attack this morning, which was a new experience for me. Summer was there, so I just clutched onto her and rode it out. I vaguely remember an unpleasant dream, but I don’t really thing that set it off. We got up after a little while and she took the girls home while I worked on the house. I sort of had a direction I wanted to go, but I didn’t really execute it very well. Hopefully it’s at least staged for next time so I can jump right in.

I think I want to run some new speaker wire soon, and I might as well unbox the other two tower speakers I have left, if only to get the oversized shipping boxes out of the way. I keep getting caught up in the fantasy of moving into a larger house, but I need to remember our goal of just saving money. We could be making even faster progress if we’d focus on those efforts when it comes to shopping and food, but we’re just too comfortable.

Summer and Eaddie came back after a while to ride their bikes to the tennis courts. I kept doing what I was doing on into the late evening, though I slowed down kind of early. My 20-year high school reunion was this weekend, and I’ve been saying I didn’t want to go ever since the five-year. I don’t think I was feeling regret, but maybe a little sadness because I didn’t feel regret?

School wasn’t a particularly fun experience for me. I cycled through a couple close friends from first grade through 12th, but overall didn’t have a whole lot of love for anyone I grew up around. I’m sure there were some people there that I wouldn’t have minded seeing, but overall I felt indifference toward most everyone I saw in the pictures. I don’t know if that makes me a worse human, or just a cranky old man filled with bitter grudges. I’m not sure I care about that either. As far as I’m concerned, the simulation isn’t rendered much beyond my character viewpoint anyway. I hope everyone is doing well for the most part, but I don’t think anybody that I really would have wanted to see was making an appearance.

When I wrapped up at home, I headed up to Summer’s for the evening. Autumn was still at a band event, so the three of us that remained watched The Voice until Summer went to bed. Then Eaddie and I watched two episodes of House before she went to bed. Autumn made it home and reported that her band and color guard both placed first. Then it was off to bed.

I’m happy to stay in touch if anyone wants. I just don’t think anyone wants.