Tag: anxiety

Uncategorised

Anxious to Get Home

We woke up for breakfast this morning, and Eaddie didn’t want to go downstairs. They mixed it up with some little egg rounds folded around some cheese like a cheap omelet. The bacon was super thin and mostly flavorless. Once we ate and got everyone cleaned and packed up, we checked out and headed to the Tulsa Aquarium for the day. I hated that we didn’t get to visit the actual aquarium stores that were near our hotel, but the girls really liked the aquarium.

After the aquarium, we went down the block to get some lunch at the Waterfront Grill. Summer and Eaddie really wanted seafood after looking at all the aquatic creatures, and that place was not only close, but also had things like burgers and chicken strips for the boring kid. I had a fish sandwich that was pretty awesome, and relatively cheap, though I wished it had a bit more sauce.

As soon as we finished eating, we headed on home through a surprising amount of countryside that wasn’t on the interstate. I had a really bad anxiety attack on the way to get some gas, and that lasted for a surprisingly long time. We stopped again in Clarksville to fill up, just because the gas was so cheap. We got home and unloaded, and the girls all went off to their rooms.

I wanted to go home to unpack, but still felt pretty bad with a head cold that worked its way into my chest. I had another anxiety attack that gave me really bad tunnel vision, and I ultimately decided to stay the night and just deal with unpacking in the morning. I doped up with some cold medicine and Fireball, and it was a really early night to bed.

Tingle Vision!

Uncategorised

Decoy Day

I was surprised I made it to work in such good form this morning after having so much trouble going to sleep last night. I would expect to be exhausted after such a long drive home, but I seem to always have trouble falling asleep after that. Today was our first day of training with Capturing Kids’ Hearts, and without going into too much detail, it went exactly as I expected it would. It seems we paid half a million for two days of teambuilding exercises sporadically placed between lectures about child psychology. I was surprised that so many people thought it went better than they expected. Evidently the usual teacher professional development is absolutely hot garbage, and this was new and refreshing.

We took an hour for lunch and were told to “leave no teacher behind,” and immediately my entire table disappeared without a word. I ended up going to McDonald’s on my own, and had a pretty terrible experience, along with everyone else that was there. I saw so many orders go back up to the counter in such a short amount of time. My burger was made incorrectly, and tasted terrible to boot. It was as though they placed the meat patty on a mound of salt to cook.

In the afternoon, we finally got to our “sentimental item” sharing activity. I had brought the giant stuffed cow/body pillow thing that Summer got me when we first started dating, but also my BaliYo butterfly/balisong pen. I decided at the last minute to switch it up and tell a story about the pen instead of the obvious, giant cow. It barely got a giggle, and nearly every other person in our enormous circle of staff had stories that made them sob.

We wrapped up “early,” but I was absolutely positive that the dismissal time was planned. I went home for a little bit to change, and then met the girls at The Center for Eaddie’s sophomore orientation night. The girls immediately left us, so it ended up being Summer and me by ourselves in the middle of the crowd. Feeling pointless, on top of some creeping anxiety, meant that I made it through the commons to the library before having to duck out.

I went home to wait for the girls, and then got a text from Dad that Mom was feeling chilled with a fever. I ran an expired at-home COVID test to them, and then stopped by to see Grant for a couple minutes as I waited for the girls. Once they were done, I met them at La Huerta for dinner, and then went home with them.

Summer went straight to bed, so I played Aperture Desk Job to completion on my Steam Deck, which took it down to about 49% battery. Then it was off to bed.

What a colossal waste of time for so many people that are already so far behind.

Uncategorised

International Cat Day

I had so much trouble getting to sleep last night, and then tossed and turned until I woke up before my alarm. Somehow I wasn’t completely worthless for the morning, and finally made it to Oakland to close out some work orders. I actually made it back to the shop a bit before lunch, and then started to leave with Gary before Zach and Thomas ran out to meet us at the car.

We went to Wendy’s, and Zach’s Baconator was delivered as a regular Dave’s Single, which was really sad next to my actual Baconator. At least my food was good. It was a quick lunch, and then back to the shop where I spent the afternoon working on some software deployments. At one point, Zach helped me bring a TV back to the shop, and I finally got my Pixel Buds Pro a week late. They were surprisingly uncomfortable in comparison to my other pair. About halfway through the afternoon, I started to have some anxiety or panic feelings about the cats that the girls dumped yesterday.

I went straight to my parents’ house after work and had some fish soup. Then my sinuses started acting up, so I didn’t stick around long. Eaddie asked for a ride just as I was getting home, so I picked her up from band at the high school and took her home. Autumn arrived after her color guard, and eventually Summer made it home from work really late. She had me call Nick to try and help one of his friends with what she thought were IT issues, but I think were actually just complaints about her ecommerce site.

I ended the night picking up a couple of tickets to see Halestorm, The Pretty Reckless, The Warning, and Lilith Czar on Wednesday. Summer decided she didn’t want to go, but Eaddie did, so that’ll be fun to hang out with her.

Ironic, innit?

Uncategorised

Heat Waive

I made it home to shower this morning, but then couldn’t dry my hair in the heat and humidity before making it in to work. Everyone was sitting around the conference table awkwardly without me, but we didn’t have much to talk about. Everyone was sent off to take care of little things, and I spent all day in my office trying to look busy. I tinkered with a task sequence for a while, but couldn’t really test anything out without a lab full of computers.

Rood couldn’t get anyone out today to look at my air conditioner, so I called Roy’s. The lady I spoke with said they could get someone out in the same day, so I took that bet without knowing any kind of timeframe.

Gary and I met the others at Brangus for lunch, though I wasn’t really hungry enough for that. Just before we got our food, Veronica walked in, followed a few minutes later by her husband and Junior. Then on the way out, we saw Grant and his mother as they were leaving right behind us.

I spent most of the afternoon taking Net+ quizzes until quitting time. I figured my air conditioner probably wasn’t going to get fixed and went on to get Eaddie to her tennis practice. Rather than wait in the sun, I went home to sweat it out inside until Eaddie finished. A little while later, I actually got a call from the Roy’s tech. I was super surprised that he would be working that late, but he was super friendly and got me up and running again super fast.

The house only cooled down a couple degrees by the time I left to get Eaddie, and then I took her on home because she just wanted to eat leftovers. I finished up the rice and beans from Chuy’s while she cleaned the kitchen, and then sat around until Summer and Autumn got home.

We had both had a pretty long day, and Autumn had been running her mouth again, which lead to another family conversation. It’s really hard not to blame all of it on Autumn, because she’s making everyone in the house absolutely miserable. She does fine for a while, and we can spend time with her laughing for minutes at a time, but she eventually always reverts to a hateful, bitter kid. Eaddie’s been growing into her own person as well, so Summer’s feeling that loss as well. Seems nobody wins today.

Any one you walk away from, right?

Uncategorised

I’ve Got a Yankee Doodle Sweetheart

I slept through an anxiety attack early this morning, and then slept late afterward. We eventually got up and showered before going to Walmart to pick up an online order I had placed the night before. They had a Bodum glass and tea strainer on sale, similar to the glass that Suzanne had accidentally broken when we had them over a while back, so I took the opportunity to re-complete the set. They didn’t offer a way to pick it up inside, but I wanted to take a peek through the clearance section while we were there. Just as we got into the store, they called and asked what stall I was parked in, which seemed to be a mistake in the app setup. I don’t know why they have you check in when you’re just “on the way” if they’re going to assume you’re already there.

I drove over to the pickup section to get my glass, then went back to the garden center to finish shopping and fetch Summer. We were out relatively quickly, and headed on to my parents’ house to start grilling. I was super hungry and was anxious to get the burgers done, but Dad had only just lit off the charcoal. I helped patty the burgers, and then got things cooking as quickly as I could. All total, we had burgers, corn on the cob, shrimp, and finally a rack of ribs to grill. I tried using my smoker tube, but I guess I smothered it with all the smoke from the charcoal. Mom had some beef for kabobs, but I told her to wait until tomorrow since we were out of coals after the ribs anyway.

After we ate, Summer and I went for a swim to cool back off. It was so hot and humid that I could barely walk outside without breaking a sweat. She enjoyed the heat, but I absolutely loathed it. I felt smothered by it. The pool helped, but she still wanted to go to the train depot for the holiday entertainment.

We drove back to my house to wait out the sun a bit, and then went up to her house to check on the cats and set out some pork for dinner later in the week. One of the cats pooped on the shower matt, and it just reminded me how much I hate having pets.

From there, we made our way downtown for the festivities. We actually got decent parking, and some clouds came in to block the sun. There was a light breeze that kept things just barely bearable for me, and I was glad to see some friendly faces in the form of Boundy and her husband, Mike. We chatted for a bit, and then we wandered over to a crêpe food truck. While we were there, something happened to one of the band members, and the singer announced to the crowd that “somebody” should call 911. I don’t know if anyone ever did, but the bicycle cops at the back of the crowd didn’t appear to be in too much of a hurry to get up to the guy. At some point, another band member announced that their keyboardist was also a cardiologist, so I guess things worked out?

Back at the food truck, there appeared to be a pretty long line, but we learned that everyone there was actually just waiting for their food. The line to order was actually very short. I frustrated Summer when I said I didn’t really want to eat much of one in the heat, and she took off back to the car. We went home, talked about it a bit, and I explained my struggles with sticky foods and drippy sweat. We discussed going up to Nebo like I had suggested earlier, and then ultimately decided to go back downtown on the Shadow, since it had cooled off considerably by then, and we could park more flexibly.

We made it back to the Peter’s lot and parked, marveling that our vacated parking spot from earlier was still available. We wandered back to the music area, decided against waiting in any of the ridiculously-long lines for treats, and walked back to, and across Arkansas to where someone was selling kettle corn. Fortunately there wasn’t a line there at all, so we got a bag of that, when out of nowhere Boundy showed up with a half-eaten bag for us. We took it, and then found a seat at a picnic table right beside them. I ended up running back across the street to bring the bike over so we could have an easier getaway, and it worked splendidly.

Summer enjoyed the show, though it was weird to watch one from so close with absolutely no music or any kind of rhythm to it. The show lasted a bit longer than I expected, and then we took off as soon as it was over. We made it home in record time, and I couldn’t have been more pleased on a night before going back to early days at work. Summer went straight to bed with incredible nerve pain, and I wrapped up my usual deal hunting as quickly as I could.

I DECLARE INDEPENDENCE! I didn’t say it. I declared it!

Uncategorised

That’s How We Roll

We got up this morning and went out back to continue burning brush. The coals were still hot under all the ash, but everything was still too wet to really catch, so I had to get the leaf blower out to really get things cooking. We made a really good dent in the pile of branches, but there’s still a lot of green to cut through, and it’s just too wet to really do easily.

Mom was making beef spring rolls for lunch, so after a quick shower, we headed over there. Dad called Julie over as well, so she joined us to eat for the first time in months after wanting to be left alone. It didn’t take terribly long before Summer had to excuse herself, and went to the gym to decompress. Then she came back to pick me up later.

When we left, we went straight up to her house so she could start some laundry. I hung out for a little while, but then decided to head home when she said her laundry was going to take a while after the kids left a load in the machine before leaving on vacation.

I ended up stopping by Walmart to just briefly run through the clearance section. There, I casually chatted with another lady that I vaguely recognized as a teacher from somewhere. Her husband came around, and reminded me of myself with the goofy, yet analytical things he would say to her about the deals she was finding. It would have reminded me more of Summer and myself if she would ever be the one to shop like that.

I made it home, but had another anxiety attack as I stared down into a bag of chips. It was the second one of the day, after having one coming out of the shower. I couldn’t figure out any triggers, but the way I got really flush and dizzy made me think it was something oxygen-related. Summer ended up coming over for the night, just as I was trying to chat with Google support about my Nest Hub that wouldn’t boot. Once that was out of the way, it was off to bed.

Circle the drain.

Uncategorised

Find x

I wanted to ride to work today, but I was running just behind enough that I didn’t have time to get a bike out. I just want a four-car garage. It can be a studio apartment if I can have enough parking.

Gary asked me to take a look at an issue in the bus shop first thing, so I chose to walk the block. It was super humid out, but could have been much worse. I’m not at all ready for summer heat. Greg ended up coming out to take a look as well, and we ultimately just left the laptop in Chris’s office for him to figure it out.

I spent the rest of the day fighting Minecraft. It took me a while to figure out licensing. Gary drove us to lunch for Taco Tuesday, and for some reason I ordered way too much food. Then the rest of the afternoon was finishing up licensing and starting to build the deployment. The only break from that was to unload a pallet of water bottles that I don’t drink.

At the end of the day, Eaddie called and wanted to know if Rick could pick her up and take her home. She couldn’t get in touch with Summer, and I was mostly just shocked and confused about who reached out. I wound up just throwing my hands in the air and letting her do whatever she wanted. I went home until Summer got to town, then met her at the Center for Eaddie’s band concert.

As I walked up to the building, Sarah was parked right in front of the building, immediately in my path. Once we got inside, we discovered the concert wouldn’t start for another half hour. Erica spotted us and came over to catch up. Then we saw Autumn and Rick in the auditorium as we found our seats. She was wandering around, loosely helping between sets.

After the show, Amber was there to get some pictures of Eaddie and Zane. Then Eaddie wanted to go out to eat with Rick. Autumn went home with Summer, since she’s grounded forever. I went home to decompress.

I’m just a guy that’s there.

Uncategorised

Capital Punishment

We got up this morning and scrounged for brunch. I found some old leftover pizza they had frozen and finished it up. The girls didn’t really come out of their rooms while I was still there. Eventually I went home so I could clean up and work on my taxes.

Evidently for the year, I was still floating pretty high on capital gains. I’m still sitting on the loss from those gains, but haven’t sold yet, so it just looks like I made way more money than I really did. I guess if I were to sell this year, it would balance out, but I’d rather try and reduce my taxable income for last year.

When Summer finished at the gym, I met her at Walmart to pick up dinner. We grabbed a couple more ice scrapers for cheap, and even found an open-box Rocketbook that was marked down a bit. The place was packed for Easter, but we managed to make it out without incident.

I filled up on gas and then headed up to their house, where Noah had come to visit. Summer made chicken alfredo with spaghetti noodles, and then the kids wanted to go out to the park. Summer and I went back to my house to try and clean up the old refrigerator. We thought we could use Noah’s truck to move it, but his tailgate was broken and we didn’t feel confident in lifting the refrigerator up and over it to get into the bed.

Cleaning the other half of the fridge, and especially the top, turned out to be quite a chore. Teamwork persevered, and Summer even vacuumed out the underside. I threw door bins into the dishwasher, but the shelves should be pretty easy to clean by hand. Brody offered his truck once they got back into town, but we decided to wait for daylight. As we were winding down, Michael called with questions about taxes on crypto. He had been playing with multiple exchanges though, which complicated his beyond anything I was dealing with. At least Robinhood had the paperwork I needed.

We made it back up to Summer’s house, and Summer headed off to watch TV in bed. Noah and Eaddie were watching TV until he left, and then everyone was off to sleep.

Should have sold, or at least not bought back.

Uncategorised

Whims

I’m not sure what happened, but I did not make it to work on time this morning. I felt like I was in step with my routine, but something got out of whack. It was pretty quiet though, which was fortunate because I was charged with answering the phones while everyone in the front of the office had a top secret meeting. Gary was out after being aggravated yesterday, but the meeting continued. Greg was there with me at first, but had to leave for a while, which left me to my own devices. Luckily we only ever got one phone call that I had to answer, and it was an easy one.

As lunch time approached, Zach informed me that our meetup with Dale had been postponed. This was after I had invited Allen to meet us as well, so I had to see if he wanted to wait or come out today. He chose today, so I invited Thomas, and then found Greg as he was walking back to the office from across the street. We had a good lunch though, with just a dash of awkwardness as only Allen could provide.

When I dropped the other two off after lunch, I went to Oakland for a little while to take care of something and then just to hang out for a bit before going back to my office. It was quiet all afternoon until quitting time when I went by my parents’ house to drop off a letter I printed for Dad. He had gone to pick up Mom from work, so I had to wait a bit for them to show up. Then Eaddie called and needed me to let her in after riding her bike.

I stopped by Kroger on the way home to pick up about 16 pounds of cosmic crisp apples. Dad said they were on sale for a buck a pound, and the piece I had at their house was really good. I figured they’d make a good snack at work, and the girls would probably want some as well.

Summer came by after the gym to get Eaddie, and shared the article that Splash was publishing about her in their newsletter. It was really good to see, even if it was a pre-release copy. They left pretty quickly, and I cleaned up a few leftovers before settling in for the night.

It’s the time of year when things get warmer and I get more anxiety about all the projects I want to complete before the attic becomes too hot to bear. I’ve been wanting to move the girls in so we could save money, but this house just needs so much work and I just have so much stuff. There’s simply not enough room for everyone. Another house on Zillow caught my eye, and upon further inspection I noticed my old friend, Alisha, was an agent for the realtor that listed it. I messaged her on Facebook, and we arranged to have a look at it tomorrow, completely on a whim.

As it turns out, without all these expenditures, we’re rich!

Uncategorised

Honorable Mention

I developed a nasty sinus issue last night that kept me up until I remembered how soothing it could be to have hot water in my CPAP. For hours, I had struggled with a scratchy throat, unable to sleep for more than an hour or so, and finally I found rest.

I chugged some orange juice before I went to work, then sipped on piping hot green tea all day. Evidently the meeting that occurred right outside my door was a surprise to our department. Jeff and Terry were there with the guys trying to sell us Avigilon again, and based on what I heard, I didn’t hear a lot of kickback from my guys. I couldn’t tell if that’s because they had already said what they wanted to say and were at the point that they felt defeated, or if nobody wanted to rock the boat. I told them afterward that we should have developed hand signals so I could bust out of my office and make a super disparaging remark.

It was Brody’s birthday, and surprisingly he picked Linhs for lunch. Just as we got there, Zach got a call that several pallets of Chromebooks had just arrived at the shop. He took my car back with Greg, and the rest of us sat down to eat, ordering their food for their return.

After lunch, Tammy had made a Butterfinger cake, so of course Thomas was super excited to eat that. I had some more tea, went to Oakland to take care of a few things before school let out, and then spent a pretty relaxing end of the day in the front of the office.

Summer came over after she got back to town from Cabot, and we got changed to go to Eaddie’s National Honor Society induction ceremony. After a scan of the crowd, I discovered that we were basically sat directly across from my greatest nightmare, so I was on edge the entire time. Then, as it often is, alphabetical-order spoiled what fun I was having.

I thought I was keeping it together for the most part, but then they dismissed in the most chaotic way. Everyone started walking down to the floor of the arena, and just feet away from where we were heading, I froze. I couldn’t breathe, and I just had to exit as quickly as possible. I felt absolutely horrible for it, because I wanted to be there for Eaddie in her moment of accomplishment. All the love and support in the world didn’t mean a thing if I couldn’t even bear to exist in that moment. I was a wreck for hours after that.

Autumn took Eaddie out to get food and then went home while Summer and I went back to my house for a bit. I had a tentative plan to go to Lowe’s with Brody, but ended up postponing it for his birthday’s sake. I ended up taking Summer to Brangus for dinner, and robotically ate way too much.

When we got back to her place, Eaddie was melting more Perler beads. Autumn was getting ready for bed, and Summer didn’t waste any time crawling under her own covers. I finished up what I always do, and it was time to pass out.

And the waves crashing around me, the sand slips out to sea.