Tag: anxiety

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Shitty Universe

I only slept from about three in the morning until about seven, because Autumn was talking loudly to Summer right outside the bedroom door. I felt incapable of sleeping by the time everyone left for school and work, so I got up and eventually made myself a burrito. I looked for some jobs and chatted with several people. Travis was the only person from work to text me, since we didn’t have each others’ phone numbers already, and it was really nice to hear from him.

I would have liked to be more productive, but I just felt sleepy and groggy all day long. I was definitely too hazy to do anything too cognitive, and my emotions cycled through confidence, frustration, anger, depression, anxiety, and doubt. As the clock ticked on, I finally made it home to shower before having to get the girls from school.

It seemed clear outside, so I took the car for a wash before going to pick up Eaddie at hour-early dismissal. She responded that she had stuff to do for robotics while Autumn was at basketball practice. That nearly messed up Summer’s plan to start teacher conferences as soon as the doors opened.

I ended up getting Summer from Superfast, and then coming right back to the high school to try for conferences. As we pulled through the parking lot, I saw Travis and Sarah walking into the building, so I circled the lot and we happened to see Eaddie. I wasn’t in the mood to fight the stars and their twisted plot, so we took Eaddie to a friend’s house to work on their National History Day project. Then we went to Staples to get her a flip chart before going back to the high school to get Autumn from basketball.

We went back to get Eaddie and took the girls home, and then went to Las Palmas for dinner before going to conferences much later than we originally planned. Those went well, and I shared my news with lots of old coworkers, to a surprising variety of responses. The kids are lined up, but I’ve got more work to do tomorrow. I took Summer back to the Murano at Superfast, went home to trade vehicles myself, and then made it up to their house for the night. I thought I’d crash earlier than I did, but at that point I wouldn’t turn my nose up at going to sleep “on time.”

Collect the facts.

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“Pack Your Things” in Nature

I really didn’t expect today to play out the way that it did.

I made it to work a little early this morning, expecting rain, and then not expecting rain. I started to go to the high school to work with Jacob, but stayed at the shop to do those same tickets since it’d be easier there anyway, and Jacob didn’t really need me to hold his hand.

Diane at Crawford messaged me with badge printer trouble again, so I ran across town to take care of that. I was there just long enough for the storm to roll in, but that wasn’t all. Judy emailed Jeff and me that she needed to have a disciplinary meeting with me at 4:30. Everyone knows it’s no good to have a disciplinary meeting after hours. I knew they were terminating me right away.

I got back to the shop and told Zach, and then Tammy, and then Ryan. I felt like they were all as stunned as me, and we all kept going back and forth on whether it really was a termination or a writeup. It just didn’t make sense, but I could play it out either way in my head. I’ve heard of more and more distrust lately, and frankly I think it bit me.

I asked Zach to be my witness, and then asked Greg and Justin since they were there as well. For a moment I thought I’d actually have a group to support me.

Nobody else was around, so Zach and I went to Arby’s for a nauseating lunch, only on account of my anxiety. I was glad I ate though, because not eating would have made the long night even worse. We made it back to the shop, and I tried to be useful until quitting time. Gary and Thomas had been at training all day, but came back in the afternoon.

When it came time for me to walk across the street, I went to say some goodbyes, and Thomas hugged me and said he didn’t know what they were going to do. I figure that was an untruth at best, because I’m pretty sure he’s the only one that raised the flag at Central Office in the first place.

Justin beat me to the office, and we went in to find Judy. She was running all around, and was acting lighthearted enough that I sort of got my hopes up. Jeff was just solemn-faced the entire time though, and we sat down at the table in his office. Judy said not to read too much into the timing of the meeting, which prompted me to ask if they weren’t terminating me. She replied that she didn’t say that either, and I felt yo-yoed around. In the end, she presented me with a page that accused me of purposefully hitting an employee with my vehicle on school property.

I kept it together and took my licks. I think she was trying to help me at least a little bit. We left and I spoke with Justin for just a moment before going back to the shop where Thomas and Gary were talking. I was pretty sure Thomas was shocked to see me badge back in, but I don’t know who else would have disabled it. He offered condolences and help, but I figured it was too late for that. Both Judy and Thomas said it was fine for me to have badge access all night to clean out my office, which seemed very out of the norm. Very little of the afternoon made any sense at all.

I went home and talked to Ben while I waited for Summer to get the kids home. She beat me to Gardner, so I ran back across town and we got to work cleaning out my office. Then Brody called me and we talked while loading the car. It was big stuff first, and we made two trips back to the house. Kevin called me to get the scoop as well, but didn’t have a whole lot to add that I hadn’t already heard. After we unloaded the second time, we went to Chick-fil-A for some dinner. Then I let Summer take the Montego home while I went back for one final load of little stuff that had to be boxed up. I was out until well after midnight, but I got it done.

Once I had my nightly routine finished, I headed up to Summer’s to crash for a few hours until it was time to take the kids to school in the morning.

Seriously, could you have whipped that pen out any faster?

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And How’s Your Day

I woke up in the middle of the night with a pretty bad anxiety attack, and it had me feeling a bit off for most of the day. I made it to work pretty early, and didn’t really have a good starting point. I started to leave for Crawford when Gary asked me to stick around to go over some Google and Active Directory sync changes with the engineering team. It kept feeling like we were overcomplicating it, but Ryan is just extremely structured and methodical about how he does things.

When we finished, I continued to Crawford until lunch time. The guys had left the shop while I was on the way back, so I just met them at Slim Chickens. I really liked their new hot honey sauce. The afternoon was pretty quiet after that. I went to Central Office to set up a webcam and headphones, and then stopped by Transportation on the way back. Kayla got on a rant that ended up consuming the remainder of my day.

I stopped by Superfast to check on Summer, and then went home to change before picking up some Taco John’s and heading up to her house for the evening. Eaddie had played hooky to catch up on homework, which didn’t seem to make a lot of sense since she was only behind because she had missed two days for all-state last week.

The three of us ate dinner in a mixture of tacos and burritos, and then Autumn came out of her room long enough to make a bowl of ramen that ended up being too hot for her to eat, so she gave it to Eaddie. Then I crunched some numbers and planned some account changes for our phone plans until I was off to bed.

Plug it in, plug it in.

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Too Stressed Three Me

I went to bed really early, but it was still a really rough night of tossing and turning. I went in to the office and mostly stayed quiet in my room, trying to solve the puzzles they pay me to solve. Tammy sent me to the main office to set up a scanner, and I happened to catch up to Gary on the walk over. He lent a hand, and then chatted with me about the witch hunt on the way back to the shop.

Zach had been out of the office most of the morning, but came back for lunch. He, Gary, and I went to Foodies, which was tasty but extremely slow to present our meals. Zach had never been, so it was a nice change to try something different.

In the afternoon, I finally got around to talking to Thomas about what happened on Monday, and he seemed upset that I didn’t specifically incriminate myself in writing. I just explained to him that I didn’t see any other way out of it, and that this kind of documentation is never going to be used to benefit me. I sent the email, and then worked out the day as productively as I could.

After work, I stopped for a cold and windy car wash before going by Superfast to visit Summer. Then I stopped by her wash to vacuum out my car. I thought I’d go by my parents’ house, but never made it. Instead, I backed up some videos from Sentry Mode on my car and tried to relax at home.

Summer had a meeting at the ATCC that ran a bit late, but I met her up at her house when she finished. We ate some leftovers, and then I had already taken care of most of my nightly tasks, so it was easy to get to bed.

If you’re going to believe every off-the-cuff remark I make, your mother’s got some explaining to do.

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Third Missed

We had a fairly brief meeting this morning, and then I was assigned the junior high for the day. Gary and I ended up chatting in the shop for a while though, and then I did a bunch of tickets from my office until lunch time. I didn’t really plan to be in there for that long, but the time just flew by.

I took Zach and Gary to Taco John’s, and we all ordered something other than our usual tacos since it wasn’t Taco Tuesday. The parking lot appeared to be really full, but there weren’t that many people there. I guess it was just a lot of staff.

As soon as we got back to the office, I headed to the junior high and was surprised to find Kyle pulling in just ahead of me. I ended up walking him through the whole building to show him where everything was, and then we went back to his new office for a bit. Wight came with some new copiers, so we had to walk back up to the gym to set theirs up with PaperCut, which went fairly smoothly. Then we chatted for a while until quitting time. His view of the new work hierarchy seemed to mirror what I’ve been feeling for a little while, which was a bit of a disappointment.

I headed back to my office to finish up some paperwork, and then went home for the day. Eaddie ended up going to the movies with some friends, so I waited around until she was ready for me to get her. We came back to my house just briefly, and I checked that the Montego’s tire still had air pressure. Then we headed up to their house for the evening.

Autumn had a basketball game, so she came home a little bit later. I helped Eaddie find the name of a song for which she only had a small portion of the sheet music, and then we watched a couple episodes of Breaking Bad until bedtime.

Could it be better?

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Dig In

It was eerie pulling in to a mostly empty parking lot today, but as I was confirming what I already knew, Gary pulled in right beside me and we walked in together. Someone beat us into the office, but the lights were on while some of the inside doors were still closed and locked, which was weird. We sort of met in the shop for a minute to see if there were any projects, but then I was left to myself for most of the day.

I got into a support chat with Adobe for a couple hours because none of us were able to approve a student’s request for software. It’s worked in the past, but support insists that we shouldn’t be able to approve the requests due to our licensing type.

That got us right to lunch, and a big group of us went to Taco John’s where I had a really light lunch. Then I spent some time getting our agenda sent out for our meeting in the morning. At one point, Gary had me run some stuff to Greg and Josh at the high school, but they didn’t need my help beyond that.

I ended the day at Dwight to check on a laptop that they suspected may have received some liquid damage. Many pipes had burst in the freezing weather over the break, and many rooms and buildings were flooded and ruined. Eaddie needed me to pick her up from her flute lesson after work, so I just waited for her in the driveway.

On the way home, we stopped by Summer’s parents’ house to check on the charging battery. Connecting the terminal immediately started the alarm system, so I disconnected it again after a quick honk. I hooked up my smart charger to finish it off, and we continued to my house so I could change.

When we got to Summer’s, I picked at some leftovers, and then Eaddie and I finished the first season of The Umbrella Academy. The visual effects were kind of goofy all season long, but I chalked it up to the art style. In a word, I found the whole season to be predictable.

Target Acquired

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Storm’s a Brewin’

It was set to storm in the afternoon, but I thought I’d have time to get over to Summer’s parents’ house to test their old car battery after an overnight charge. I had a bit of a slow start and ended up bathing before I left her house, and shortly after I got home, the deluge started. I ended up working on getting Eaddie’s new phone set up instead.

Mom and Dad came by Bác Vân’s and wanted to see my refrigerator, so while they were still next door, I took my Google WiFi bridge over to test out whether it would help her signal for her iPad. Mom was there trying to teach her how to do things on the iPad, but I knew how frustrated she would get trying to do too much at once. I ended up having to shoo them along to look at my refrigerator so I could meet Summer at Walmart.

Summer closed the carwash early due to the storms, so we went to Walmart for salad stuff for dinner. We ran into Ryan there, and got to hear about their fourth kid on the way. Then we made our way home for the evening. I still had to port Eaddie’s number to a new Google Fi account, so Nick called me out of frustration with AT&T and had me hold on the line with him. It took a total of two transfers over several minutes, but we finally got it done. Autumn had brought Adam over, but they hid out in her room while we ate.

When Autumn finally took Adam back to the pet store, Eaddie and I started watching The Umbrella Academy. We both felt like there were several inconsistencies and plot holes, but enjoyed the show in spite of them. I found it to be relatively predictable, but entertaining. Elliot Page is teetering on the edge of Uncanny Valley, which is odd considering an android mother and a talking monkey are supporting characters.

We wrapped it up early since it’s back to work for me tomorrow. The kids will be back in school the day after that. I failed to actually apply for any new jobs, so the anxiety I’ve felt all day may not serve me well tomorrow. Time will tell.

Dick Tater Ship

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Chill Day, Stressful Night

I woke up early this morning after very little sleep so we could get breakfast before we checked out of the hotel. I anticipated a crowd on account of the concert, but after stressing over Summer not wanting to wake up, we found the steakhouse to be relatively empty. Breakfast was good though, and we had our fill before heading back to the room to get ready for the day.

It took us a little bit to leave, since neither of us had a plan for the day. We ultimately decided to head toward home, and then I suggested stopping right inside Conway so I could go to PetCo. We ended up going through several of the stores in that strip mall, including Sam’s, Michael’s, and Ross. We even found a neat tabletop gaming store, and Summer picked up something to do for Christmas.

After shopping around for a few hours, we went to On the Border for lunch, and my chicken fajitas tasted completely unseasoned. The rest of the food was good though, so I made do with some black pepper. Summer finished her tacos pretty quickly, so they must have been a lot better than what I took home for leftovers.

After we ate, we went to PetCo and I picked up some ghost and “bee” shrimp to take home. Autumn didn’t get Eaddie from flute practice, so we had to make it back in time to get her. I had Summer drop me off at home so I could tend to the shrimp, but I guess Autumn gave Summer the wrong time to get Eaddie. Summer ended up coming to get me, and we went up to the house to unpack. I went back home in the Montego, traded some more water for the shrimp, and then took the Model 3 to get Eaddie and Maristella. We took her home, and then went back to my house to finally put the shrimp into my tiny, old shrimp tank. I’m hoping they enjoy cleaning up the algae that I can’t get under control.

Eaddie and I chatted, and headed on home for the evening. Autumn eventually showed up after karate, and predictably wanted to argue about who does the most chores around the house when Summer asked her to walk the trash down to the curb. Summer decided it was time to unveil my chore tracking spreadsheet, and suddenly Autumn didn’t care about seeing how much anyone did around the house. She just knew that she did more chores while we weren’t around than any of us did. I managed to steer that conversation into less hostile territory, and we’ll try to publicly track chores for a while to see if that helps.

Other than that, I spent most of the evening stressing out about my refrigerator delivery. I never got a call to schedule, but eventually Julie got a text with a two hour window. I touched base with Ben to remind him, and everything else was on the up-and-up. He offered to let me take his truck and a furniture dolly, so that mitigated my stressing over needing the Murano to tow a trailer while Summer needed a way to get to Cabot for the day.

The girls all made it to bed reasonably early, but evidently Eaddie was still up when I did a late-night model reset. She came out for a bit for some help getting reconnected, and then I did my best to get to bed before two in the morning.

Too distracting. This is my brain all of the time.

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Quarter Panel with Ketchup

I almost made it to my charge limit this morning, and left the house at 75%. I think being able to take a day trip during the weekend and then recoup that energy throughout the week is acceptable. I kept relatively busy today, and went to Dwight in the morning to troubleshoot a display issue. I ended up having to contact Newline support for some firmware, so I went back to the shop and had lunch before going back.

Aramark served us Thanksgiving lunch in the Gardner cafeteria, and most of our crew went, along with a few from maintenance, several from administration, and some others from the surrounding buildings that I didn’t know so well. Gary joked that the superintendent didn’t punch me when she walked in, so I must be in the clear for now. Thomas was going to go back to the shop, but we ended up staying. I sat with our substitute custodian, Anthony, and a couple Chrises from maintenance, since the tech table was a little crowded.

After lunch, I finished up at Dwight and Ian found me in the office again. I guess no one else ever sticks around so long when he starts talking, because he’s always got something to say. I ended up going back to the shop just before school let out, and rode out the rest of the day there. Thomas told us not to wait until 4:30 to leave, but I only got out a few minutes early.

I saw Summer at Superfast, so I stopped in to see her and we went to Walmart to get stuff for her to make chili for work. I found a kitchen faucet on clearance as well, so I picked it up to replace my leaky one. She dropped me back off at my car and I took it home, but on my way back out to go to her house, I noticed a big blob of ketchup on my rear passenger quarter panel. It was all over the place, and obviously intentional, so I had to take it to the carwash.

I spent a couple minutes in the carwash, trying to scrub through what little sentry mode footage I had. I never saw anything suspicious, but the recording hadn’t been working for several days anyway. I was really upset that someone would do something like that to my car for no apparent reason other than the fact that it’s a Tesla. The ketchup was very dry, but I never noticed it throughout the day as I walked to the car. It took me a little while to clean it off, but I had been wanting to wash the car again anyway. Fortunately it didn’t seem to mess anything else up, but it was also dark outside. While I was in the middle of the wash, I had to ride out an anxiety attack. I remember a couple of loud trucks being around, which probably put me a little more on edge on account of why I was at a carwash in the middle of a cold night.

I made it back home to swap cars and headed up to Summer’s for the evening. Eaddie had me bring my Yeti microphone over so she could record some flute assignments, but she kept yelling with frustration for most of the evening. Summer baked a cake, but I just laid in bed playing the Stranger Things game on my phone, desperately trying to make it through Chapter 5. When I finally got back up to finish my blog, I had another anxiety attack that I tried to collect some data on. I stopped breathing to see if my oxygen level was just low, but it didn’t seem to be. I’d love to know why I get these now.

This is the kind of stuff that gets people shot.

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Red is Black

I struggled to find a whole lot of motivation today, and spent a bit too much time aggravated that the little felt letterboard I had in the shop was likely thrown into the garbage for “cluttering the place up.” I don’t understand why we couldn’t have anything decorative in the room. It just feels so sterile back there now, and I kind of hate it.

I left to go to Dwight and install a AA battery, but the one in the microphone just wasn’t installed properly. What made it worse was that you could easily see where the battery needed additional contact to charge. While I was there, I had to ask Karen to decipher the calendar again, because evidently the copy she gave me for the agenda had the names inverted from what Linda was expecting. This was even more confusing, considering that Linda was the source of both copies.

We thought Jeff was going to eat lunch with us, but it ended up being Gary, Zach, Thomas, and me. Gary drove this time, and I sensed that Thomas appreciated the extra leg room. Kevin texted that he saw me, but I didn’t spot him until we left. He and Keith were having lunch together, and it was good to see both of them.

Dad went by my house to meet a guy from Terminix to inspect the termite damage. I had nightmares all night about my walls falling apart from termite damage, but the end result of the inspection was really just to sell what appeared to be a highly overpriced poison treatment plan that will do nothing for the repair of any damage. He didn’t even look in the attic, which seemed particularly important to me since he couldn’t look behind the drywall. The only relief will be how much easier rerunning electrical will be if we have to tear the drywall out.

I had to go back to Dwight again after lunch because their projector in the cafeteria had some sort of problem. I finally got Karen to figure out what was happening, and luckily the end of the VGA cable would be bent and twisted in a way that the colors looked normal again. It’s super tempting to make Kyle re-run that cable on account of how high the ceiling is.

After work, I ran straight to Arvest to withdraw a sack of money. Aaron chatted with me for a bit, and all the girls got super chatty about the car. I think I would enjoy being rich. With a Popeye’s paper bag full of large bills, I picked up Summer from the gym and we went to her bank to deposit it all back into her savings account. Their lobby was closed, so we had to wait forever in the drive-through, but we finally finished, and Summer was super relieved to have her account squared away.

I dropped Summer off and ran to pick up Eaddie late from robotics. Ethan was giving Lindsey a tour of their Ioniq, but I still felt bad for being so late. We continued to my house so I could change, and then went to Walmart for some salad fixings. Eaddie argued for boring lettuce, so I made her get the unprepared romaine hearts instead of the pre-bagged stuff.

Summer and Autumn were sitting out on the porch when we got there, and I fixed dinner by myself. I got pretty frustrated by how late it was, and the fact that I couldn’t use either side of the sink to clean vegetables. I ate, the kids ate, and then Summer finally ate after a shower. Then Summer and I chatted for a bit before she went off to bed.

Be kind; Unwind!