Tag: family

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Work Away From Home

I slept in a little bit today, but continued on working from home. The kids were up just minding their own business for the most part, so I had a little sandwich for lunch while I manually trudged through duplicate accounts in Web Help Desk. The day went by pretty quickly, but slowed down quite a bit in the evening. We finally got a bit of an official statement on what’s expected of us during the pandemic, and it looks like I’ll be out again all next week working from home. Summer’s still going to work herself, which only makes me angrier when she goes on about not feeling well. Keeping the kids cooped up seems at least half pointless if she’s going to keep going out in it. Part of me wonders if I should just truly self-quarantine at home.

She went straight to bed when she got home, so I brought out some leftovers for us to pick at. Then we watched Hitch until she was ready to go to sleep. I watched a couple episodes of Patriot Act, then played some Overwatch, and finally went to bed myself.

Maybe I’ll die from it.

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Hunker Down

I slept in just a very little bit today, but got up for a full day of work from home. It was mostly pretty dull with the usual amount of just different kinds of distractions. I have to watch out for eating when I’m just bored, but otherwise I actually feel like I eat healthier just because I’m not restricted to some artificial construct of time. The kids did their work, or at least pretended well enough for someone only barely paying attention. Noah left with some friends again. Summer left work early, and I went home to take care of a few things before coming back for dinner.

I got frustrated that we let my Colton’s birthday coupon expire after talking about going out for two weeks. Autumn made a pretty good chicken Alfredo dinner though, and I loaded up with a pretty good looking salad. The kids ate and then ran off to whatever electronics were distracting them in the moment. Summer went down with a headache, so I laid with her for a while, eventually watching a couple episodes of Master of None to wrap up the first season. Somehow we outlasted the kids, who were all off to bed before the show was over.

Two more weeks of home schooling, and we’ve just had our first tornado drill. This is fine. Everything is fine.

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Playing Work

I got up earlier this morning and trudged out a bunch of laptops to do some work. It was a little difficult to focus on some things, but honestly it probably wasn’t much worse than usual. I definitely noticed network latency in just about everything I did, but I attributed that to being at Summer’s with her ISP-issued equipment. At the end of the day, I got some important things done, and made myself useful and productive.

Noah and Eaddie sat quietly by themselves most of the day. I had to prod Eaddie to start on her homework, but Noah at least got his laptop out on his own. I don’t have a clue whether he actually did any work, but I still struggle with how to motivate any of them.

Summer got home later than she wanted, and I started cooking tilapia for fish tacos. She made some avocado sauce, and I pan fried the fish on the fly for the freshest tacos ever. Autumn was dropped off after having eaten, so the kids all went back to the television, and Summer and I watched an episode of Master of None before bed.

Get comfortable. We’ll be here a while.

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Homemaker

Summer left for work again this morning, leaving me with a house full of kids. Autumn was the only one up before me, and she was in her room doing schoolwork. I started sauteing a roast to put into the crock pot for dinner, and around the time I really had my hands full, Eaddie got up and tried to ask for help on some of her work. I got frustrated with her when she didn’t want to put any work into learning how to do it, and I basically had to dictate an email to her teacher because she wouldn’t type it herself.

Noah eventually left with a friend, which finally killed the highly-inappropriate Hell’s Kitchen episodes that had been playing all morning. By the time I was ready to leave, Autumn had called Summer to see if she could stay with her grandparents for the evening. I guessed correctly that she just wasn’t happy with what we planned for dinner. I left to take Summer some coffee, then went home to clean up a bit. On the way back up, I stopped by the high school to get my work laptop as well as a couple test units since Ben approved me for some work from home.

Autumn didn’t even get close to finishing her chores before she left, so that’ll be trouble with Mom tomorrow. Noah got into a little trouble himself after leaving town and coming back super late. At least Eaddie and Summer really enjoyed the roast. I could tell I went a bit too heavy on the potatoes. The juice was great with some fresh sliced bread, and it may warm up well with the potatoes for later.

Eaddie joined Summer and me in bed for an episode of Glee before Summer had to crash for work. Then I tinkered on the computer until the kids went to bed.

I can’t tell if it’s coronavirus, or if it’s snot.

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Less Sick and Tired; More Bored and Restless

I slept the best I’ve slept in over a week last night, and didn’t get up until nearly noon. Summer went to work, leaving me with all three kids. They stayed up late watching scary movies, and were up this morning watching Hell’s Kitchen relatively quietly. I milled around the house for a little while before having to take Autumn to the junior high to get her clarinet and music from band. Then we stopped by my house to pick up some mail I got from China before getting lunch for everyone.

We picked up a bag full of food from Burger King at a near-astounding price. To feed a family of five for under 20 bucks is some kind of marvel. We stopped by the shop to deliver Summer’s, and then went back to the house where Noah and Eaddie weren’t super hungry, but ate anyway. It wasn’t but maybe an hour or two later that Autumn wanted to know if their father could take them out to eat for dinner, so they left for Cicis again.

Summer got off work shortly after they left, so I just hung out for a bit until she got home. We showered and ate some food ourselves, then watched some more Master of None until she went to sleep.

fu jian sheng fu zhou shi jian xin zhen taigiang

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Coronavirus

We got up this morning and Autumn tried scrambling some eggs because she suddenly has an interest in a culinary class at votech. She basically protested the entire time Summer was telling her to cook breakfast, and she hates every food, but I’m trying to be positive and supportive. I took Noah to work and then went home for a while. Evidently I was exhausted, because I laid down and napped for a few hours before waking up pretty disoriented. I got progressively more phlegmy as the day went on, but hoped it was my usual allergy/CPAP combo.

I played a little Overwatch to wake up, cleaned up after the cat, and took a shower before heading back up to Summer’s. She made some chicken spaghetti since Walmart was completely out of ground beef, and it turned out really great. I helped by making some garlic bread, and all the kids seemed to really like the meal. After we ate, Autumn wanted to play some Monopoly, so we went a few rounds until Summer had to go to bed.

I stayed up and played a little Overwatch to earn some loot boxes while Noah and Eaddie stayed up watching scary movies. By the time I was ready for bed, I had quite a bit of junk in the top of my chest making me constantly clear my throat. Hopefully this isn’t the end of us all.

It’s funny how the “essential” employees that have to work all week during the pandemic closure are paid the least.

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Come at Me, BrOVID-19

I tried sleeping in this morning, and though my bed felt pretty luxurious, I couldn’t get back to sleep once I was up. I called Summer and met her at the gym for about a half hour walk on the treadmill. Then I went home to clean up before meeting her, Eaddie, and Noah at the new Cicis to try and catch the novel coronavirus. It was evidently their opening weekend, so the parking lot and insides were completely packed. They managed to keep the bar loaded, but the pizza types were boring, and the bar didn’t seem as big. They put the salad stuff up front, but it didn’t appear to have as much stuff either. Overall I was pretty disappointed. I don’t like having to put in custom orders, but I guess now I have an excuse to ask for one made with every single topping they offer.

After lunch, Summer took Autumn to her play practice, and Noah and I met her back at Walmart to do a little shopping. That place was packed too, presumably from pandemic panic. We even ran into my parents while wandering around. They were out of a ton of stuff, including all paper toiletries, all hamburger meat, and tons of canned or dry goods. As we were checking out, they made an announcement over the intercom that they had a small cart of hand sanitizer located at the front of the store. We turned around to see a cart guarded by employees as they only allowed a couple per household.  You could definitely tell people had gone completely bonkers. It was all over everyone’s faces.

Noah left with some friends while we were there, so Summer and I took our groceries back home and chatted some more until Autumn finished. I went to get her, stopped by my house for a few more things, and then came back up the hill. She went to bed super early, so Summer and I watched Master of None until Eaddie got home from her birthday trip with Maleea. Noah eventually got home as well, we ate some leftovers, and then when Noah went to sleep, Eaddie joined us in the bedroom for a couple episodes of Glee. She was the best snuggle buddy tonight.

A pocket full of posies!

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Homecoming

I got a couple more hours of sleep after the super late night last night. Getting out of bed for work was pretty hard, and I ended up getting in about 20 minutes late. I forgot my badge and had to use the security app to unlock the outside door to get in.

I stopped by the shop first to give Ben an old Windows 95 programming book and helped Zach factory reset  his Pixel 3 after the home button broke from his new OS update. Then I went to the high school to take care of a few work orders. I almost didn’t make it back to the shop before lunch.

I convinced Allen to take me to Zaxby’s since I rode the bike, and shortly after we sat down, Zach, Gary, Greg, and Josh all walked in, having independently chosen Zaxby’s for lunch.

My afternoon was a little more scattered in some ways, but for the most part I was able to focus on 1:1 laptop repairs. Jesica called to check in, and then I ended up staying a little late to make up for my late arrival by swapped out a bad computer. Brandie called me to catch up on the drama after I got home, and I explained my conversations with Summer over the past couple days, as well as our slow arrival back to something positive.

The girls had a band fundraiser at Chick-fil-A, so I met them there and had a salad for dinner. Erica made it through the drive-through and made eyes, so that’ll have to be a conversation soon. I hate getting egg on my face, but frankly there are too many good and correct things happening to ignore. While I refuse to maintain a Hopgoodian relationship, I think this one really didn’t need as much work as we might have thought.

Summer took Autumn home after dinner to do some homework, and then met Eaddie, Maristella, and me back at Steak ‘n Shake for BOGO shakes to share. She took Maristella home, and I eventually got Noah from work, and we crashed a bit late, but hopefully for a better night of sleep.

That’s an easy incompatibility to account for if you just stop to rewind occasionally.

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Lawdy, Lawdy

I couldn’t sleep again last night, save for a couple periods of maybe an hour or so where I lost some time and dozed a bit. I was wide awake long before my alarm, and got to witness the entire wake cycle for my lighting, which was actually kind of neat. I was much less groggy than I expected to be, and I made it work.

I got to my office for just a minute before going to a classroom to check on a projector. Then I had to go to the shop for a lamp that I didn’t have in my office. Along the way, I felt compelled to stop by Oakland for a little extra love, though I didn’t stay long. I got to the shop and chatted with Gary for a little bit before discovering we didn’t have any of the model bulb I needed, so from there I went to Melinda to try and get some ordered.

We chatted for quite a while, and she turned out to be way more holy-rolly than I expected. It seemed to come up everywhere I turned today, and I hated that this was the automatic response. It made sense for other people to look to their faith in their trying times, but not only am I past that time in my life, this situation has been completely different for me. Sure, it’s been rough, but my level of acceptance and the way I’ve coped has been, as far as I’m concerned, phenomenal. I’ve felt stronger in myself, more focused, more decisive, and overall braver.

Eventually the other guys started filtering in, and Allen, Zach, and Gary convinced me to go to Wendy’s where I just had a cup of chili and a chocolate Frosty-ccino. By this time, even the chili felt like too much, and I left wishing I had gotten the small. I figured I could use the lull of the depression stage of my grief to start a habit of eating less and doing more.

After lunch, Ben showed up and we chatted for a while. Then I bounced around some more in the shop. At the end of the day, he came back and talked to me about some decisions to make in the new lease, and then just like that, the day was over.

I went to get gas, then stopped by AT&T to see who I could pester. Mayra and Kevin were both there, and we caught up a bit. Then it was on to my parents’ house to tell them about my week over some shrimp soup. As parents, they wanted to reassure and defend me, but I had already made up my mind to just accept things and move on. We talked a bit more, and then I headed home.

Bâc Ván was in the garden trimming plants in the dark, so I chatted with her for a while about some of her issues and some of mine. Eaddie had texted me yesterday like some kind of loan shark asking for her money. I always collected the cash she threw around the house carelessly, and she wanted it back. I was almost proud of how it reminded me of myself in her practicality. I did some quick mafs and hit up Summer with a money request. She denied it almost immediately and I became slightly concerned, but then she texted and seemed to just want me to handle Eaddie’s cash on my own instead of deducting it from what she owed me. The money request quickly over tripled in size and she paid it without hesitation. I got to work loading up their bicycles and hit the road.

When I got there, I got some things off of my chest before Eaddie came out to collect her money. That is when she absolutely melted my face. That girl always played it so close to her chest, but she came out and said some things. I said some things. And then I lost. My. Fucking. Marbles. It was like she said to me every single thing I had ever longed to hear in my entire life. She hugged me and held my hand and stood there to talk to me for so long. I hadn’t even been ambushed or bamboozled. This girl just always played it cautiously like I did, and it was like we finally understood that we were both in the exact same place all along.

Summer and I had a go at conversation, and though not restored, we were at least reconciled. She ultimately agreed to counseling to help nail down her own issues, and we agreed that we should continue to talk as people who deeply care for one another. Times are confusing and uncertain, but it is a Wednesday after all.

I never could get the hang of Wednesdays.

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Dear Summer,

I envy that in all of your own troubles and pain and suffering, you managed to hold on to what I had lost so long ago in my own years-long wars. You seemed to earnestly believe that you could fall in love with prince charming and have everything fall into place so perfectly, and you fawned over me more than any person ever should. In that fantasy, you sometimes had trouble making things work in a practical sense, but your struggles appeared to be my strengths. For years upon years when all I wanted to do was die, focusing on practicality and making the day-to-day work was what kept me alive. Ultimately I felt like your emotional strength and devotion met with my practicality and wit, allowing us to grow stronger together, into a proper, functional family. What you felt was weakness in our differences, I perceived as strength in the breadth of our combined skillset.

It’s no secret that cynicism and sarcasm are my strongest and most prevalent defense mechanisms. I’m not so bad, after all, if everything else is awful too. I seldom speak those things as true and honest feelings, though I understand how someone could take them to heart. I doth joke too hard and too negatively, but it keeps me sane, I think. There are three truths to every situation: your truth, my truth, and the actual truth. Neither of us can ever truly know the truth apart from our own without some trust in the other, so I’m afraid I’ll never really understand the causality. Did my cynicism truly drive you away from me? Or were we never meant to last, and my darkened heart proved itself yet again in protecting me from further harm? After years of struggling with a very real addiction to Sarah and her emotional manipulation, I was left broken in so many ways. Not all of those wounds healed completely, and even if they did heal, you might not recognize them for all the calluses. I knew that I would never survive another trip through that level of darkness, and so in order to protect myself and my own family from what I understood as my own ultimate demise, I found strength where I could. I survived tonight because of how jaded my relationship with Sarah made me. And just like that, somehow I’ve credited that wretch for saving my life.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, unless you’re just left paralyzed, in which case everything pretty much just sucks. I would rather the end of our relationship be an inevitability, and credit my dark humor for saving me, than accept the thought that I drove you away with my own misgivings. I couldn’t let you into my heart quickly enough because I was terrified of exactly what happened tonight. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I wholly trusted a “completely innocent” interaction and later learned it to be the complete opposite. It’s literally my greatest fear in a relationship, and you knew this. Finding you having dinner at Umami with that guy brought me right back to ground zero, and I have to say I handled it like a goddamn champ. I didn’t want to revert back to that suspicious, jealous me that I had given up eight years ago, but there we were. Even if it was completely innocent to you, and you just needed a friend, it should absolutely NEVER have been some random guy you know through work that I’ve never even heard of. If it had been a male friend like Alex that you had known for years, I would have 1,000% understood. As it was, I knew that you had already made up your mind that I was old news, and it was obvious because that motherfucker ghosted you AS SOON AS HE SAW MY FACE. Even if you play naive again, he knew exactly what he was getting into, and for that, shame on him.

I never thought I’d be saying, “goodbye,” forever, but I think that is because I am an idiot. They told me actions speak louder than words, so I physically put myself into your home to make it our home, and my own house became a very strange place for me. Regardless of what idiocies came from my mouth, I continually tried to put myself where it really counted. It was hard and overwhelming a lot of the time, but I kept coming back because I thought it was worth the steep learning curve. Ultimately I guess you had bigger fish to fry. At least I was honest from the beginning when I asked if you were looking for Mr. Third-Time’s-a-Charm. I don’t need superficial symbols because I show my devotion with actual honesty, presence, and inclusion in family, and I expect my partner to respect me and mine well enough to verbally decline unwanted advances. It’s a pity you didn’t really want to be a part of mine, because they’re a pretty great family most of the time.

You can’t expect your boiled-over, emotional diatribes to function as productive adult conversations. I was very honest in that I knew I had a lot of growing to do. I knew it was going to be an uphill battle for me, and I thought that I had adequately expressed that to you as well. I suppose I could have done more to initiate the conversations, but who has the time when you’re busy parenting teenagers. Blame whatever you want, but at the end of the day you have to learn how to express what you’re feeling in some kind of meaningful way. You can’t outwardly express that everything is perfect and expect your partner to accept that with eager arms, then get upset over all of the combined little things. You literally went from “I would marry you tomorrow” to “dinner with schmuck” in a week’s time, and so for that reason, I’m out.

I just want someone to scratch my head for a while and tell me I’m not so irrevocably broken that I can’t maintain a real, adult relationship ever again.