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Less Sick and Tired; More Bored and Restless

I slept the best I’ve slept in over a week last night, and didn’t get up until nearly noon. Summer went to work, leaving me with all three kids. They stayed up late watching scary movies, and were up this morning watching Hell’s Kitchen relatively quietly. I milled around the house for a little while before having to take Autumn to the junior high to get her clarinet and music from band. Then we stopped by my house to pick up some mail I got from China before getting lunch for everyone.

We picked up a bag full of food from Burger King at a near-astounding price. To feed a family of five for under 20 bucks is some kind of marvel. We stopped by the shop to deliver Summer’s, and then went back to the house where Noah and Eaddie weren’t super hungry, but ate anyway. It wasn’t but maybe an hour or two later that Autumn wanted to know if their father could take them out to eat for dinner, so they left for Cicis again.

Summer got off work shortly after they left, so I just hung out for a bit until she got home. We showered and ate some food ourselves, then watched some more Master of None until she went to sleep.

fu jian sheng fu zhou shi jian xin zhen taigiang

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Coronavirus

We got up this morning and Autumn tried scrambling some eggs because she suddenly has an interest in a culinary class at votech. She basically protested the entire time Summer was telling her to cook breakfast, and she hates every food, but I’m trying to be positive and supportive. I took Noah to work and then went home for a while. Evidently I was exhausted, because I laid down and napped for a few hours before waking up pretty disoriented. I got progressively more phlegmy as the day went on, but hoped it was my usual allergy/CPAP combo.

I played a little Overwatch to wake up, cleaned up after the cat, and took a shower before heading back up to Summer’s. She made some chicken spaghetti since Walmart was completely out of ground beef, and it turned out really great. I helped by making some garlic bread, and all the kids seemed to really like the meal. After we ate, Autumn wanted to play some Monopoly, so we went a few rounds until Summer had to go to bed.

I stayed up and played a little Overwatch to earn some loot boxes while Noah and Eaddie stayed up watching scary movies. By the time I was ready for bed, I had quite a bit of junk in the top of my chest making me constantly clear my throat. Hopefully this isn’t the end of us all.

It’s funny how the “essential” employees that have to work all week during the pandemic closure are paid the least.

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Come at Me, BrOVID-19

I tried sleeping in this morning, and though my bed felt pretty luxurious, I couldn’t get back to sleep once I was up. I called Summer and met her at the gym for about a half hour walk on the treadmill. Then I went home to clean up before meeting her, Eaddie, and Noah at the new Cicis to try and catch the novel coronavirus. It was evidently their opening weekend, so the parking lot and insides were completely packed. They managed to keep the bar loaded, but the pizza types were boring, and the bar didn’t seem as big. They put the salad stuff up front, but it didn’t appear to have as much stuff either. Overall I was pretty disappointed. I don’t like having to put in custom orders, but I guess now I have an excuse to ask for one made with every single topping they offer.

After lunch, Summer took Autumn to her play practice, and Noah and I met her back at Walmart to do a little shopping. That place was packed too, presumably from pandemic panic. We even ran into my parents while wandering around. They were out of a ton of stuff, including all paper toiletries, all hamburger meat, and tons of canned or dry goods. As we were checking out, they made an announcement over the intercom that they had a small cart of hand sanitizer located at the front of the store. We turned around to see a cart guarded by employees as they only allowed a couple per household.  You could definitely tell people had gone completely bonkers. It was all over everyone’s faces.

Noah left with some friends while we were there, so Summer and I took our groceries back home and chatted some more until Autumn finished. I went to get her, stopped by my house for a few more things, and then came back up the hill. She went to bed super early, so Summer and I watched Master of None until Eaddie got home from her birthday trip with Maleea. Noah eventually got home as well, we ate some leftovers, and then when Noah went to sleep, Eaddie joined us in the bedroom for a couple episodes of Glee. She was the best snuggle buddy tonight.

A pocket full of posies!

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Well Isn’t That Novel (Coronavirus 2019)

It was cooler and rainy today. Without any projects, I spent all day installing VPN plugins in case the high school staff needed to work from home due to the impending pandemic. I don’t know if this disease is any worse than usual, but I certainly don’t remember anything like this happening in the past. It could just seem worse because we’re so connected with the rest of the world these days.

Zach really wanted Brangus for lunch, so he, Gary, Greg, and I met Josh there to eat. I didn’t think it was anything special today, but it was nice eating a bit more food again.  Afterward, I ran around the high school some more, waiting to hear if they would shut down next week. So many other things have. The entire district has been printing packets of schoolwork in case the kids have to do some learning from home. We normally print around 50,000 pages a day in the district, but today we were up over 250,000 by the time I left.

I got home and waited for Summer to get off work so I could meet her at Planet Fitness. I thought maybe going to the gym together would make up for some of the time we lose in the evenings now that she works so late. She put me on a bike next to an arc machine for her, and we did about 30 minutes of that. I was really hoping to be able to talk more, but she was so focused on her workout that I felt like a distraction. Nobody in the place really spoke at all, so I just felt awkward for that on top of already feeling awkward just existing there. The bike was doable with some pain in my right knee, but when she took me to the weights I absolutely hated everything about it. She skipped that after a couple reps and took me back to look at the stretch station, but we ended up doing just a few minutes on a couple treadmills instead. She ended up having to cut it short, and I just decided to split.

On the way out, an immense feeling of sadness washed over me for some reason. I didn’t really understand why, but I suspected it was some combination of the weather, the emotionally trying week, and being exhausted from the roughly eight hours of sleep I’d had since Monday. I went home and laid down for a while before having a long bath and then heading to bed late again.

Maybe I’m only introverted here.

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Homecoming

I got a couple more hours of sleep after the super late night last night. Getting out of bed for work was pretty hard, and I ended up getting in about 20 minutes late. I forgot my badge and had to use the security app to unlock the outside door to get in.

I stopped by the shop first to give Ben an old Windows 95 programming book and helped Zach factory reset  his Pixel 3 after the home button broke from his new OS update. Then I went to the high school to take care of a few work orders. I almost didn’t make it back to the shop before lunch.

I convinced Allen to take me to Zaxby’s since I rode the bike, and shortly after we sat down, Zach, Gary, Greg, and Josh all walked in, having independently chosen Zaxby’s for lunch.

My afternoon was a little more scattered in some ways, but for the most part I was able to focus on 1:1 laptop repairs. Jesica called to check in, and then I ended up staying a little late to make up for my late arrival by swapped out a bad computer. Brandie called me to catch up on the drama after I got home, and I explained my conversations with Summer over the past couple days, as well as our slow arrival back to something positive.

The girls had a band fundraiser at Chick-fil-A, so I met them there and had a salad for dinner. Erica made it through the drive-through and made eyes, so that’ll have to be a conversation soon. I hate getting egg on my face, but frankly there are too many good and correct things happening to ignore. While I refuse to maintain a Hopgoodian relationship, I think this one really didn’t need as much work as we might have thought.

Summer took Autumn home after dinner to do some homework, and then met Eaddie, Maristella, and me back at Steak ‘n Shake for BOGO shakes to share. She took Maristella home, and I eventually got Noah from work, and we crashed a bit late, but hopefully for a better night of sleep.

That’s an easy incompatibility to account for if you just stop to rewind occasionally.

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Lawdy, Lawdy

I couldn’t sleep again last night, save for a couple periods of maybe an hour or so where I lost some time and dozed a bit. I was wide awake long before my alarm, and got to witness the entire wake cycle for my lighting, which was actually kind of neat. I was much less groggy than I expected to be, and I made it work.

I got to my office for just a minute before going to a classroom to check on a projector. Then I had to go to the shop for a lamp that I didn’t have in my office. Along the way, I felt compelled to stop by Oakland for a little extra love, though I didn’t stay long. I got to the shop and chatted with Gary for a little bit before discovering we didn’t have any of the model bulb I needed, so from there I went to Melinda to try and get some ordered.

We chatted for quite a while, and she turned out to be way more holy-rolly than I expected. It seemed to come up everywhere I turned today, and I hated that this was the automatic response. It made sense for other people to look to their faith in their trying times, but not only am I past that time in my life, this situation has been completely different for me. Sure, it’s been rough, but my level of acceptance and the way I’ve coped has been, as far as I’m concerned, phenomenal. I’ve felt stronger in myself, more focused, more decisive, and overall braver.

Eventually the other guys started filtering in, and Allen, Zach, and Gary convinced me to go to Wendy’s where I just had a cup of chili and a chocolate Frosty-ccino. By this time, even the chili felt like too much, and I left wishing I had gotten the small. I figured I could use the lull of the depression stage of my grief to start a habit of eating less and doing more.

After lunch, Ben showed up and we chatted for a while. Then I bounced around some more in the shop. At the end of the day, he came back and talked to me about some decisions to make in the new lease, and then just like that, the day was over.

I went to get gas, then stopped by AT&T to see who I could pester. Mayra and Kevin were both there, and we caught up a bit. Then it was on to my parents’ house to tell them about my week over some shrimp soup. As parents, they wanted to reassure and defend me, but I had already made up my mind to just accept things and move on. We talked a bit more, and then I headed home.

Bâc Ván was in the garden trimming plants in the dark, so I chatted with her for a while about some of her issues and some of mine. Eaddie had texted me yesterday like some kind of loan shark asking for her money. I always collected the cash she threw around the house carelessly, and she wanted it back. I was almost proud of how it reminded me of myself in her practicality. I did some quick mafs and hit up Summer with a money request. She denied it almost immediately and I became slightly concerned, but then she texted and seemed to just want me to handle Eaddie’s cash on my own instead of deducting it from what she owed me. The money request quickly over tripled in size and she paid it without hesitation. I got to work loading up their bicycles and hit the road.

When I got there, I got some things off of my chest before Eaddie came out to collect her money. That is when she absolutely melted my face. That girl always played it so close to her chest, but she came out and said some things. I said some things. And then I lost. My. Fucking. Marbles. It was like she said to me every single thing I had ever longed to hear in my entire life. She hugged me and held my hand and stood there to talk to me for so long. I hadn’t even been ambushed or bamboozled. This girl just always played it cautiously like I did, and it was like we finally understood that we were both in the exact same place all along.

Summer and I had a go at conversation, and though not restored, we were at least reconciled. She ultimately agreed to counseling to help nail down her own issues, and we agreed that we should continue to talk as people who deeply care for one another. Times are confusing and uncertain, but it is a Wednesday after all.

I never could get the hang of Wednesdays.

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Finding Value

I laid in bed for a couple hours but didn’t sleep a wink. The sound of thunderstorms echoed from my Google Home speakers just as the storm raged behind my eyelids; synapses firing constantly with every burning question and emotion. I could feel my eyes darting back and forth, jittering at lightning speed. Frustrated, I eventually just got up and played more Overwatch to try and occupy my mind. I figured there was no sense in burning cycles trying to understand a truth that wasn’t my own. The only thing I could possibly do was make assumptions, which would only serve to bounce around in my head forever, wasting even more time. I could never really know Summer’s truth, because she would say one thing and feel another.

Eventually I got out with the sun and went to retrieve those things – those bigger things that I had brought over for my family. Being financially-minded, I tried to provide nice things so that Summer could focus on paying down her debts instead. I never did get to actually witness that looming mountain of debt. I only heard stories, as though it was a fictional giant in some kind of fairytale. I just wanted to make sure my family had more than we needed. I thought that actually providing for the family was speaking louder than any words I could possibly muster, but Summer found no value at all in what I provided. If words were all she really wanted, then I accepted the trade and wrote letters to take the place of things I took back. It was over a couple grand worth of just stuff around the house, not to mention the thousands of more dollars invested in things for our family to do, like season passes to Magic Springs, a family set of bicycles, a kayak, a motorcycle, or my own family’s reservation for another hotel room on our planned trip to Eureka Springs in two weeks. Neither one of our houses could even contain it all, so it remained split.

Wanting to know the truth is what drove me mad in the past. I could never understand what motivated Sarah to treat me the way she did. I could only assume it was for her own benefit, either as emotional support, or some kind of backup plan in case something else went sideways. Summer never seemed particularly motivated. She expressed that she only wanted to do things to please me, constantly. She wanted to tell me nice things and do things for me, but she would never accept that I simply loved her the way she was. She projected how she wanted to be treated onto me, and could never see past that singular vision. Conversely, she seemingly wanted to change who I was from the start. Surely, she helped me regain some of what I had lost, but she would never accept me for who I was. She said that she did, but then acted differently, or got upset when I didn’t change enough for her liking.

In the end of it all, it certainly feels as though she was just looking for a reason to leave, or at least looking to see where else she could go. Fussing over who texted who first in the day felt petty. Saying she had to force herself not to text me first just to see if I would text her was passive-aggressive at best. Saying that by not giving holiday gifts I made her feel guilty was completely contrived after tabulating how much money I had spent on her and the kids over the course of our relationship. I always told her that if she didn’t want to be with me, she didn’t have to make an excuse. She could just not be. It wasn’t that I didn’t want her, but rather that I knew I couldn’t really make her feel any kind of way about me. We had to meet in the middle, and all this time I thought we had been.

Even before we dated, I told her that girls tend to jump from relationship to relationship with relative ease, and that guys tend to fall harder than girls. We both fell into stereotypes, and couldn’t communicate effectively enough to break that barrier. Communication is a two-way street though, and she refused any suggestions of counseling to work through her own grief from the past. I would have done anything to help us communicate better, but she outright refused at every single turn. In the end, I have to accept that there are things I can do, and things that I cannot.

I ended the day with a walk to Allen’s house where we did a lot of man-hugging. He gets a little too woman-hatey to be honest, but he’s always there for me as a pillar of support. I certainly did not rebound to some mystery woman that wanted to help me grow stronger, and after two days of spilling my guts, I kind of feel like I’m just screaming at a wall expecting it to budge.

Maybe the only way to move on is to just forget.

And maybe we’ll try sobriety again tomorrow.

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Dear Summer,

I envy that in all of your own troubles and pain and suffering, you managed to hold on to what I had lost so long ago in my own years-long wars. You seemed to earnestly believe that you could fall in love with prince charming and have everything fall into place so perfectly, and you fawned over me more than any person ever should. In that fantasy, you sometimes had trouble making things work in a practical sense, but your struggles appeared to be my strengths. For years upon years when all I wanted to do was die, focusing on practicality and making the day-to-day work was what kept me alive. Ultimately I felt like your emotional strength and devotion met with my practicality and wit, allowing us to grow stronger together, into a proper, functional family. What you felt was weakness in our differences, I perceived as strength in the breadth of our combined skillset.

It’s no secret that cynicism and sarcasm are my strongest and most prevalent defense mechanisms. I’m not so bad, after all, if everything else is awful too. I seldom speak those things as true and honest feelings, though I understand how someone could take them to heart. I doth joke too hard and too negatively, but it keeps me sane, I think. There are three truths to every situation: your truth, my truth, and the actual truth. Neither of us can ever truly know the truth apart from our own without some trust in the other, so I’m afraid I’ll never really understand the causality. Did my cynicism truly drive you away from me? Or were we never meant to last, and my darkened heart proved itself yet again in protecting me from further harm? After years of struggling with a very real addiction to Sarah and her emotional manipulation, I was left broken in so many ways. Not all of those wounds healed completely, and even if they did heal, you might not recognize them for all the calluses. I knew that I would never survive another trip through that level of darkness, and so in order to protect myself and my own family from what I understood as my own ultimate demise, I found strength where I could. I survived tonight because of how jaded my relationship with Sarah made me. And just like that, somehow I’ve credited that wretch for saving my life.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, unless you’re just left paralyzed, in which case everything pretty much just sucks. I would rather the end of our relationship be an inevitability, and credit my dark humor for saving me, than accept the thought that I drove you away with my own misgivings. I couldn’t let you into my heart quickly enough because I was terrified of exactly what happened tonight. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I wholly trusted a “completely innocent” interaction and later learned it to be the complete opposite. It’s literally my greatest fear in a relationship, and you knew this. Finding you having dinner at Umami with that guy brought me right back to ground zero, and I have to say I handled it like a goddamn champ. I didn’t want to revert back to that suspicious, jealous me that I had given up eight years ago, but there we were. Even if it was completely innocent to you, and you just needed a friend, it should absolutely NEVER have been some random guy you know through work that I’ve never even heard of. If it had been a male friend like Alex that you had known for years, I would have 1,000% understood. As it was, I knew that you had already made up your mind that I was old news, and it was obvious because that motherfucker ghosted you AS SOON AS HE SAW MY FACE. Even if you play naive again, he knew exactly what he was getting into, and for that, shame on him.

I never thought I’d be saying, “goodbye,” forever, but I think that is because I am an idiot. They told me actions speak louder than words, so I physically put myself into your home to make it our home, and my own house became a very strange place for me. Regardless of what idiocies came from my mouth, I continually tried to put myself where it really counted. It was hard and overwhelming a lot of the time, but I kept coming back because I thought it was worth the steep learning curve. Ultimately I guess you had bigger fish to fry. At least I was honest from the beginning when I asked if you were looking for Mr. Third-Time’s-a-Charm. I don’t need superficial symbols because I show my devotion with actual honesty, presence, and inclusion in family, and I expect my partner to respect me and mine well enough to verbally decline unwanted advances. It’s a pity you didn’t really want to be a part of mine, because they’re a pretty great family most of the time.

You can’t expect your boiled-over, emotional diatribes to function as productive adult conversations. I was very honest in that I knew I had a lot of growing to do. I knew it was going to be an uphill battle for me, and I thought that I had adequately expressed that to you as well. I suppose I could have done more to initiate the conversations, but who has the time when you’re busy parenting teenagers. Blame whatever you want, but at the end of the day you have to learn how to express what you’re feeling in some kind of meaningful way. You can’t outwardly express that everything is perfect and expect your partner to accept that with eager arms, then get upset over all of the combined little things. You literally went from “I would marry you tomorrow” to “dinner with schmuck” in a week’s time, and so for that reason, I’m out.

I just want someone to scratch my head for a while and tell me I’m not so irrevocably broken that I can’t maintain a real, adult relationship ever again.

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Use It or Lose It

Daylight saving time got me last night. I got to bed super late, lost another hour, and then tried not to sleep too late and ruin my chances of getting to sleep tonight before work again in the morning. I wasn’t having much luck getting motivated though, so I spent most of the morning playing Overwatch by myself, slowly ranking up in competitive. I did eventually get around to finishing up my laundry though, which had been nagging at me for quite a while.

I picked at the leftover barbecue all day, and got around to a shower before heading up to Summer’s for the evening. I hadn’t seen her all weekend because we both had so much else going on and I just crashed at home after the long day yesterday. She and Autumn were finishing up Looney Tunes: Back in Action when I got there, and then Eaddie wanted to watch an episode of Glee as soon as that was over.

Summer caught me up on her weekend once the girls went to bed, and then it was lights out.

The Nighttime Sniffling Sneezing Coughing Aching Stuffy Head Fever So You Can Rest Medicine

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These Axe Puns Are Bringing Me Down

I got up a little early this morning so we could head up to Bentonville for Brandon’s semi-surprise birthday shindig. Brandie messaged me early to let me know she was bailing on us, so after dressing up and washing the car, I picked up Josue and we headed out of town. We stopped in Ozark at Rivertowne BBQ for lunch, and though the food tasted pretty good, it seemed to lack in presentation a bit. At least the portions were huge, and I boxed up about half of mine.

We still had a bit of time, so we continued up to Fayetteville and stopped at Kohl’s so I could burn my $45 in bonus cash. I assume the slight difference in climate drove up the demand for winter wear, because they had a ton of coats on clearance. I picked up another hoodie and a coat after I couldn’t find anything else compelling. I wish I could have fit into one of the leather jackets better, but they were super tight around the shoulders. Both Josue and the cashier acted stunned when I checked out under five bucks for the two articles, but their rewards program doesn’t have me fooled. Luckily by spending so little this time, I think I’m out of the cycle of repeat visits to spend rewards.

At last, we made the last of the trip to the Urban Forest Axe House and met up with Diana, Brandon and his brother Ryan, and a couple of his other friends. Our coach was quirky and a little awkward at times, but it was a good time. Diana brought snacks, though Josue and I were still pretty full from our big lunch. My second throw was a bulls-eye, but when it came down to Diana and myself for the finals, she won with a killshot that I had never been able to nail, and eventually ignored in favor of the larger and lower bulls-eye.

Once our time was up there, Brandon decided we should go by Dave & Buster’s for some drinks and gaming. We all sat at the bar, and I chugged soda waters as we visited. Brandon talked to me a little about his job, which was the first we had really talked much about anything since we were all kind of busy throwing axes. Eventually we got up to play some games, though I didn’t spend very much. My birthday promo had expired, and the place was kind of busy anyway, so we just mingled for a little while and then left.

Ryan suggested we go to Bariola’s for cheap appetizers and free ice cream, so we made the quick hop down the road and visited some more. It seemed like a pretty good pizza joint, but the cheap appetizers were perfect for sharing and just hanging out. In the end, I asserted my dominance by creating a huge ice cream cone, and eventually it was back to the road to head home.

I really hate that drive… And after all that, I never even got out of the state!