Tag: anxiety

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Wing It

We got up this morning and munched on some leftovers for brunch. The girls would be going with their father for the week, so Summer had them up and into some chores before I left. I went home to try and clean up a bit myself, but I just felt sapped pretty much all day for some reason. I had a little trouble getting to sleep last night, so it’s possible I just wasn’t well rested.

It took me a few trips, but I got everything unloaded from the car. I had to stop and clean up after the cat as soon as I got into the house, so I didn’t really get anything put away properly until later. Instead of getting things properly cleaned like I needed to, I got into tinkering with Plex until it was time to get a shower and meet back up with the girls.

Dad grilled chicken wings for Julie’s birthday party yesterday, so I met the girls over there for dinner. Their father showed up just a few minutes after we got there, so Summer sent them off and then came back in to eat with me. Infinity War was playing on the TV, so we watched the end of it before heading back to my house for the evening.

Just make the decision to be confident, and no one else will be the wiser.

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Rather Be Napping

Summer and I got up this morning and put together a big “everything” Italian loaf egg sandwich for breakfast. Autumn protested the eggs, but I convinced her to eat everything else by reminding her how many times she had gotten her way with food all week long.

As soon as we finished, I made Eaddie go outside to mow the lawn before it got any hotter. She didn’t do a great job of listening, and had to split the sweaty job with both Autumn and Summer, but I was glad to see Autumn volunteer. I got some bills paid and was going to go home to start on taxes, but just cleaned up a bit instead since I thought the girls would be staying the night.

I brought Summer’s string trimmer back with me and trimmed a little bit of the fence line before they all got back from shopping. They ended up making a pretty big supply run for her guests tomorrow. We all picked at some leftovers for dinner, and then Summer prepped some things for that while I put on Firefly.

Autumn went bowling with a girlfriend and her family, and I had to go pick her up when they finished. By the time we got back and settled in, it was too late to really go down to my house. Eaddie had already been asleep in bed for a while, but I bribed her out with an ice cream run.

We went to Sonic first, but were turned away because their ice cream machine was down. Then we went to Dairy Queen and spent even more on a couple Blizzards. Everyone was off to bed when we got back, and I spent a little time snoozing while Summer watched TV before we finally went to bed.

Nervous poops?

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Stiff Upper Lip

I got up this morning after a pretty decent night’s sleep and began another week of working from home. There wasn’t a whole lot going on, but we’re used to that by now. I took a break when Travis invited me to his Animal Crossing island, and he taught me how to bury fruit in holes to grow new trees.

Arby’s had another $1 special on roast beef sandwiches, so I left for lunch, took a shower, and took Summer some lunch. Then I made my way back to the girls so they could eat before I took Autumn to her physical therapy. While she was there, I went back home to clean up a bit more, then loaded up some of Dad’s tools from our bathroom demolition.

Autumn didn’t want to get out of the car, so I went up to return the tools and visit with my parents for just a little bit. Then we went back home to start dinner. I wanted to make refried beans and carnitas, but I had already run out of time as it was. The carnitas recipe was pretty simple, but I had Autumn help with some of the prep work.

At the end of the day, the food was really good, especially when lifted with some specialty Great Value salsa we found yesterday. Somewhere along the course of the day I got into something that had the middle of my upper lip swollen. It got worse as the evening progressed, and after a near-panic attack for seemingly no reason, I laid down in bed until everyone went to sleep.

I had started the beans after the carnitas were done, so I had to get out of bed to try and finish those. I blended them too early though, and ended up with more of a bean soup than anything else. I don’t know what was so different from last time, but I don’t recall having any liquid left after cooking. Hopefully leaving the thing on overnight won’t end horribly.

Relax. It’s fine, probably.

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Back to the Office

Today marked my first day back to the office in three weeks. I went by Casey’s to pick up a breakfast pizza, and they had made both of the pizzas I ordered for Monday and Tuesday. I wasn’t quick enough on my toes to think to just buy the second one off of them, so I just left with the one and went in to find Melinda, Zach, and Ben all in their usual spots.

It felt a little silly to be there at all since we basically were only manning the phones. Administration could have very easily just let any one of us be on-call while working from home, and have office calls forwarded to any of our phones. As usual, Zach seemed the most upset, and I couldn’t really blame him after only being out of the office for a couple of days.

I spent the first little while just kind of catching up on what all has happened in the last three weeks. Then I set up my mobile battle station in the conference room and chugged away at deleting duplicate Help Desk accounts. It was boring but kind of nice to be out somewhere else for a change.

We were only working half a day but still got a lunch break, so Zach took me through the Wendy’s drive-through, and we dropped some food off for Summer. We had only just gotten back to the shop to eat when Gary popped in for a bit. He shaved most of his beard off, and it was a pretty big shock for me. It kind of reinforced my own not wanting to do anything with any of my hair.

The afternoon went by pretty quickly as well, as we tuned in to the governor’s press conference. They officially closed brick and mortar schools for the remainder of the year. There’s no telling what kind of work we’ll have ahead of us now, but I’m sure it won’t be good. Only time could tell.

Autumn texted that she had a therapy appointment today, so I ran to get and deliver her. On the way, we saw that someone had hit the lifting gate at the railroad crossing. I ran home to clean up after the cat, then made it back in time to get Autumn back home.

Summer got there shortly after we did, and almost immediately got called back in to work to fix a broken bay door. She wanted me to drive, so I tagged along and actually proved myself useful by prying the motor pulley away from the housing that kept the motor bound and unable to move the door. Just as we got back, Summer received some more bad news that someone else is being quarantined, which brings the virus that much closer to home.

We grilled some pork chops for dinner along with some quick mashed potatoes and green beans that all turned out really great. Then Summer tried to relax in front of the TV for a bit before bed.

Eaddie and I finished the first season of Iron Fist, which went by much faster than Luke Cage did for me. I couldn’t really say I liked one over the other though, because they both felt hokey to me in their own ways.

Is that a ruttin’ rooster crowing at midnight?!?

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Visiting Home

I slept in today after a full night of anxious dreams about running for my life. When I finally got up, I spent some time working from home to make some remotely-accessible voicemail boxes for the ATCC. It’s been nice having cereal for breakfast occasionally, but today ended up being a bad day for dairy. I played a little Overwatch for a break and then continued working some more on duplicated clients in Web Help Desk.

Eventually I headed home to take care of things there. Zach called briefly for some help with his new AT&T bill after switching from Fi. I got the fish juggled around a bit more, paid some attention to the cat, and nearly suffocated my shrimp with carbonated water. Then I had a super long bath while playing Plague Inc. My COVID-19 virus wiped out humanity with ease. After all of that, I played some Overwatch with Jack, Johnny, and Clint.

The drive back up to Summer’s in the dead of night was a little eerie with so many businesses closed. The air was quiet, and there were hardly any cars on the road at all. Walmart, who has been open around the clock for the majority of my life at this point, was closed as well for restocking. It was quiet and peaceful, and made me nostalgic for my boring, early-to-bed youth. I almost wished the virus would stay a while.

When I got to Summer’s, I picked at some food while the kids watched The Simpsons, looked for some deals and resisted some retail therapy, and finally went to bed. The time really flew by today, and spring break hardly feels like a break at all.

USA’s government has fallen.

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Work Away From Home

I slept in a little bit today, but continued on working from home. The kids were up just minding their own business for the most part, so I had a little sandwich for lunch while I manually trudged through duplicate accounts in Web Help Desk. The day went by pretty quickly, but slowed down quite a bit in the evening. We finally got a bit of an official statement on what’s expected of us during the pandemic, and it looks like I’ll be out again all next week working from home. Summer’s still going to work herself, which only makes me angrier when she goes on about not feeling well. Keeping the kids cooped up seems at least half pointless if she’s going to keep going out in it. Part of me wonders if I should just truly self-quarantine at home.

She went straight to bed when she got home, so I brought out some leftovers for us to pick at. Then we watched Hitch until she was ready to go to sleep. I watched a couple episodes of Patriot Act, then played some Overwatch, and finally went to bed myself.

Maybe I’ll die from it.

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Coronavirus

We got up this morning and Autumn tried scrambling some eggs because she suddenly has an interest in a culinary class at votech. She basically protested the entire time Summer was telling her to cook breakfast, and she hates every food, but I’m trying to be positive and supportive. I took Noah to work and then went home for a while. Evidently I was exhausted, because I laid down and napped for a few hours before waking up pretty disoriented. I got progressively more phlegmy as the day went on, but hoped it was my usual allergy/CPAP combo.

I played a little Overwatch to wake up, cleaned up after the cat, and took a shower before heading back up to Summer’s. She made some chicken spaghetti since Walmart was completely out of ground beef, and it turned out really great. I helped by making some garlic bread, and all the kids seemed to really like the meal. After we ate, Autumn wanted to play some Monopoly, so we went a few rounds until Summer had to go to bed.

I stayed up and played a little Overwatch to earn some loot boxes while Noah and Eaddie stayed up watching scary movies. By the time I was ready for bed, I had quite a bit of junk in the top of my chest making me constantly clear my throat. Hopefully this isn’t the end of us all.

It’s funny how the “essential” employees that have to work all week during the pandemic closure are paid the least.

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Well Isn’t That Novel (Coronavirus 2019)

It was cooler and rainy today. Without any projects, I spent all day installing VPN plugins in case the high school staff needed to work from home due to the impending pandemic. I don’t know if this disease is any worse than usual, but I certainly don’t remember anything like this happening in the past. It could just seem worse because we’re so connected with the rest of the world these days.

Zach really wanted Brangus for lunch, so he, Gary, Greg, and I met Josh there to eat. I didn’t think it was anything special today, but it was nice eating a bit more food again.  Afterward, I ran around the high school some more, waiting to hear if they would shut down next week. So many other things have. The entire district has been printing packets of schoolwork in case the kids have to do some learning from home. We normally print around 50,000 pages a day in the district, but today we were up over 250,000 by the time I left.

I got home and waited for Summer to get off work so I could meet her at Planet Fitness. I thought maybe going to the gym together would make up for some of the time we lose in the evenings now that she works so late. She put me on a bike next to an arc machine for her, and we did about 30 minutes of that. I was really hoping to be able to talk more, but she was so focused on her workout that I felt like a distraction. Nobody in the place really spoke at all, so I just felt awkward for that on top of already feeling awkward just existing there. The bike was doable with some pain in my right knee, but when she took me to the weights I absolutely hated everything about it. She skipped that after a couple reps and took me back to look at the stretch station, but we ended up doing just a few minutes on a couple treadmills instead. She ended up having to cut it short, and I just decided to split.

On the way out, an immense feeling of sadness washed over me for some reason. I didn’t really understand why, but I suspected it was some combination of the weather, the emotionally trying week, and being exhausted from the roughly eight hours of sleep I’d had since Monday. I went home and laid down for a while before having a long bath and then heading to bed late again.

Maybe I’m only introverted here.

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Finding Value

I laid in bed for a couple hours but didn’t sleep a wink. The sound of thunderstorms echoed from my Google Home speakers just as the storm raged behind my eyelids; synapses firing constantly with every burning question and emotion. I could feel my eyes darting back and forth, jittering at lightning speed. Frustrated, I eventually just got up and played more Overwatch to try and occupy my mind. I figured there was no sense in burning cycles trying to understand a truth that wasn’t my own. The only thing I could possibly do was make assumptions, which would only serve to bounce around in my head forever, wasting even more time. I could never really know Summer’s truth, because she would say one thing and feel another.

Eventually I got out with the sun and went to retrieve those things – those bigger things that I had brought over for my family. Being financially-minded, I tried to provide nice things so that Summer could focus on paying down her debts instead. I never did get to actually witness that looming mountain of debt. I only heard stories, as though it was a fictional giant in some kind of fairytale. I just wanted to make sure my family had more than we needed. I thought that actually providing for the family was speaking louder than any words I could possibly muster, but Summer found no value at all in what I provided. If words were all she really wanted, then I accepted the trade and wrote letters to take the place of things I took back. It was over a couple grand worth of just stuff around the house, not to mention the thousands of more dollars invested in things for our family to do, like season passes to Magic Springs, a family set of bicycles, a kayak, a motorcycle, or my own family’s reservation for another hotel room on our planned trip to Eureka Springs in two weeks. Neither one of our houses could even contain it all, so it remained split.

Wanting to know the truth is what drove me mad in the past. I could never understand what motivated Sarah to treat me the way she did. I could only assume it was for her own benefit, either as emotional support, or some kind of backup plan in case something else went sideways. Summer never seemed particularly motivated. She expressed that she only wanted to do things to please me, constantly. She wanted to tell me nice things and do things for me, but she would never accept that I simply loved her the way she was. She projected how she wanted to be treated onto me, and could never see past that singular vision. Conversely, she seemingly wanted to change who I was from the start. Surely, she helped me regain some of what I had lost, but she would never accept me for who I was. She said that she did, but then acted differently, or got upset when I didn’t change enough for her liking.

In the end of it all, it certainly feels as though she was just looking for a reason to leave, or at least looking to see where else she could go. Fussing over who texted who first in the day felt petty. Saying she had to force herself not to text me first just to see if I would text her was passive-aggressive at best. Saying that by not giving holiday gifts I made her feel guilty was completely contrived after tabulating how much money I had spent on her and the kids over the course of our relationship. I always told her that if she didn’t want to be with me, she didn’t have to make an excuse. She could just not be. It wasn’t that I didn’t want her, but rather that I knew I couldn’t really make her feel any kind of way about me. We had to meet in the middle, and all this time I thought we had been.

Even before we dated, I told her that girls tend to jump from relationship to relationship with relative ease, and that guys tend to fall harder than girls. We both fell into stereotypes, and couldn’t communicate effectively enough to break that barrier. Communication is a two-way street though, and she refused any suggestions of counseling to work through her own grief from the past. I would have done anything to help us communicate better, but she outright refused at every single turn. In the end, I have to accept that there are things I can do, and things that I cannot.

I ended the day with a walk to Allen’s house where we did a lot of man-hugging. He gets a little too woman-hatey to be honest, but he’s always there for me as a pillar of support. I certainly did not rebound to some mystery woman that wanted to help me grow stronger, and after two days of spilling my guts, I kind of feel like I’m just screaming at a wall expecting it to budge.

Maybe the only way to move on is to just forget.

And maybe we’ll try sobriety again tomorrow.

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Dear Summer,

I envy that in all of your own troubles and pain and suffering, you managed to hold on to what I had lost so long ago in my own years-long wars. You seemed to earnestly believe that you could fall in love with prince charming and have everything fall into place so perfectly, and you fawned over me more than any person ever should. In that fantasy, you sometimes had trouble making things work in a practical sense, but your struggles appeared to be my strengths. For years upon years when all I wanted to do was die, focusing on practicality and making the day-to-day work was what kept me alive. Ultimately I felt like your emotional strength and devotion met with my practicality and wit, allowing us to grow stronger together, into a proper, functional family. What you felt was weakness in our differences, I perceived as strength in the breadth of our combined skillset.

It’s no secret that cynicism and sarcasm are my strongest and most prevalent defense mechanisms. I’m not so bad, after all, if everything else is awful too. I seldom speak those things as true and honest feelings, though I understand how someone could take them to heart. I doth joke too hard and too negatively, but it keeps me sane, I think. There are three truths to every situation: your truth, my truth, and the actual truth. Neither of us can ever truly know the truth apart from our own without some trust in the other, so I’m afraid I’ll never really understand the causality. Did my cynicism truly drive you away from me? Or were we never meant to last, and my darkened heart proved itself yet again in protecting me from further harm? After years of struggling with a very real addiction to Sarah and her emotional manipulation, I was left broken in so many ways. Not all of those wounds healed completely, and even if they did heal, you might not recognize them for all the calluses. I knew that I would never survive another trip through that level of darkness, and so in order to protect myself and my own family from what I understood as my own ultimate demise, I found strength where I could. I survived tonight because of how jaded my relationship with Sarah made me. And just like that, somehow I’ve credited that wretch for saving my life.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, unless you’re just left paralyzed, in which case everything pretty much just sucks. I would rather the end of our relationship be an inevitability, and credit my dark humor for saving me, than accept the thought that I drove you away with my own misgivings. I couldn’t let you into my heart quickly enough because I was terrified of exactly what happened tonight. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I wholly trusted a “completely innocent” interaction and later learned it to be the complete opposite. It’s literally my greatest fear in a relationship, and you knew this. Finding you having dinner at Umami with that guy brought me right back to ground zero, and I have to say I handled it like a goddamn champ. I didn’t want to revert back to that suspicious, jealous me that I had given up eight years ago, but there we were. Even if it was completely innocent to you, and you just needed a friend, it should absolutely NEVER have been some random guy you know through work that I’ve never even heard of. If it had been a male friend like Alex that you had known for years, I would have 1,000% understood. As it was, I knew that you had already made up your mind that I was old news, and it was obvious because that motherfucker ghosted you AS SOON AS HE SAW MY FACE. Even if you play naive again, he knew exactly what he was getting into, and for that, shame on him.

I never thought I’d be saying, “goodbye,” forever, but I think that is because I am an idiot. They told me actions speak louder than words, so I physically put myself into your home to make it our home, and my own house became a very strange place for me. Regardless of what idiocies came from my mouth, I continually tried to put myself where it really counted. It was hard and overwhelming a lot of the time, but I kept coming back because I thought it was worth the steep learning curve. Ultimately I guess you had bigger fish to fry. At least I was honest from the beginning when I asked if you were looking for Mr. Third-Time’s-a-Charm. I don’t need superficial symbols because I show my devotion with actual honesty, presence, and inclusion in family, and I expect my partner to respect me and mine well enough to verbally decline unwanted advances. It’s a pity you didn’t really want to be a part of mine, because they’re a pretty great family most of the time.

You can’t expect your boiled-over, emotional diatribes to function as productive adult conversations. I was very honest in that I knew I had a lot of growing to do. I knew it was going to be an uphill battle for me, and I thought that I had adequately expressed that to you as well. I suppose I could have done more to initiate the conversations, but who has the time when you’re busy parenting teenagers. Blame whatever you want, but at the end of the day you have to learn how to express what you’re feeling in some kind of meaningful way. You can’t outwardly express that everything is perfect and expect your partner to accept that with eager arms, then get upset over all of the combined little things. You literally went from “I would marry you tomorrow” to “dinner with schmuck” in a week’s time, and so for that reason, I’m out.

I just want someone to scratch my head for a while and tell me I’m not so irrevocably broken that I can’t maintain a real, adult relationship ever again.