After the intensity yesterday, I knew I’d have to medicate today to keep the shakes down. I was early, so I just let the car do its thing to get me to the office, and from there I was actually pretty focused. I continued working in SCCM to fix some issues with Jim’s laptop deployment, but was still delayed by the network latency. At this point it would be much faster to just go to the high school and test my task sequences there.
I offered to take Maggie out to lunch for her birthday, but she said she had plans to meet a friend. She ended up disappearing for much of the day, so it was just the two old men and me, sipping my sweet tea all day. I didn’t eat my banana, and I wasn’t hungry for lunch, so I just plowed right through. I tried to stay hydrated, but somehow the lid to my cup popped off and I spilled 32 ounces of ice water all over the floor right outside our office. All I could do was shrug. I broke my cup and lid in the process, and to add insult to injury, they don’t seem to keep a mop in the closet with the other cleaning supplies. I had to use a rag to wipe it all up after wringing it out repeatedly.
The afternoon dragged by slowly, but quitting time eventually rolled around. I was exhausted and a bit dazed, but the car was a champ again. Eaddie called and wanted to know if we were going to go to Nebo with her, Eli, and my dad to take some more senior photos, so that was our new plan. I got home and tried to lay on the couch with Summer for a bit since she had gotten home fairly early. We started talking, and that continued off and on all night long.
The kids got there, followed by my dad, and we loaded Muad’Dib into the Pathfinder to drive up the mountain. Summer had to use the restroom, so we found the bathhouse first, then took some pictures at the overlook there. We still had quite a bit of daylight left, so we went around to the waterfall and took some pictures there. Our last stop was sunset point to get a few more shots as the sun set behind the clouds. I spotted a lone lady sitting on a rock staring into the distance, so I made a point to walk down by her with a smile and wish her well. I shared with her that I had spent many evenings there alone, and hoped that she was doing okay.
We stopped one last time at an overlook on the way down the mountain, and then headed home. My chat with Summer had kind of gone back and forth all day, but really took a defeating turn on the drive home. The way she digs into me and refuses any help unless somebody is forcing her makes me worry that I’m doing more harm than good just by being around at this point.
I didn’t find out until later, but Summer robbed my liquor cabinet on the way to take a bath. I warmed up some spaghetti for Eaddie and sat in the kitchen with her for another really great talk about how she basically wished we would split up. Coming from either of the other kids might have been an insult, but I knew what she meant. She just wants us both to be happy, and has a logical enough mindset that she sees a path forward for all of us. She recognized the decline of our relationship, especially after moving in together, and identified the core differences in our values and priorities. She especially didn’t want us sticking together on account of her, and hated that we’ve both been so unhappy in spite of how Summer says she feels. We discussed sitting down as a family to share our feelings, which is something I’ve struggled to get Summer to do even one-on-one, but Eaddie has proven time and time again that she has insight that both of us could use. She really is the daughter I always wanted.
I started to wind down, but heard Summer whimpering in the bedroom. By the time I got there, she was absolutely hammered and sobbing into her pillow from finishing my bottle of cocoa cayenne Bird Dog. In nearly eight years, I had never really seen her cry, and I’d definitely never seen her that drunk before. We “fought” for over two hours, mostly about me trying to get her to drink some water. I needed her to be able to open up emotionally, but in a more constructive way. We both called in to work, and I guess we’ll see if we can actually have an adult conversation tomorrow, but I’m betting on at least one hangover eating into that productivity. She is such an incredible woman, and we both learned and grew from one another a great deal in our time. I would still be broken in a big way without her. I never expected this to come to a head in this way. I’ve tried so hard, but I just don’t know if we can truly be good for one another in this kind of relationship.
Older than the ocean. Older than the night sky, I am.